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Government Positions Ranked By How Good of a Fit They Would Be for Jello Biafra

20. White House Tour Guide

Jello knows a lot about American history, there’s no issue with knowledge here. However, the amount of swearing and the high, screeching tone in which he delivers the information is gonna cause many children and pregnant mothers to cry, which most Presidents (ie. not Madison or Ford) would take issue with.

19. OSHA Inspector

The punk scene has never been widely known for its safety standards (not even in Canada) so that’s gonna cost him some points here. But being able to go around and tell various company higher-ups that they need to improve working conditions is something Jello already has frequent wet dreams about.

18. National Forest Ranger

Trees aren’t much for conversation, but they do love to listen. Lots of trees in the forest. Go get ‘em, Jello.

17. Economist for the Bureau of Economic Analysis

Remember that time Mr. Biafra got sued by the rest of Dead Kennedys for withholding royalties? That’s basically how our economy works anyway, so he might have a real shot at this job. It’s worth a try anyway.

16. “The House Cleaner”

[Entry redacted by CIA order]

15. Guard at the Air and Space Museum

Though not a great soldier guard, if you surround him with enough sci-fi adjacent stuff then he’d actually be pretty good at it. That is assuming he could stop himself from spending most of the time playing lightsabers with the big guard flashlight.

14. Alderman

We actually looked this one up and the definition is just “an elected member of a municipal council.” That’s the vaguest, most wildly interpretable job description we’ve ever heard. Forget about Jello, anybody could kill it at this gig, even East Bay Ray.

13. Small Claims Court Stenographer

Jello is no stranger to the inside of a courtroom. Once he familiarizes himself with the prosecutorial side of that apparatus he’ll be all set to stenography it.

12. Guinea Pig for the FDA

Someone gotta test all those experimental products to make sure they’re safe for market. Jello seems like a pretty open-minded dude – he’ll be great at trying out all those groundbreaking food and drug inventions to matter how many superfluous toxic nipples they make him grow.

11. Unemployment Claim Approver

You’d be the luckiest fucker alive if you showed up at the unemployment office and saw Jello behind the counter because you could be sure that no matter what you were gonna get a payout. Sure, his supervisors aren’t gonna be happy about it, but he’s used to being chewed out by middling authority figures and Civil Service jobs are almost impossible to get fired from, so we’re guessing he’s got this one locked down.

10. The Guy Who Hides the Easter Eggs Before the White House Easter Egg Hunt

Jello might almost be too good at this job. Like we can picture him hiding them in rusty gutters and in holes near unexploded 1812 ordnance left on the White House lawn and he’d figure “hey, kids gotta grow up sometime.” Still, it would make for a hell of an Easter egg hunt. The children’s hospital might be a bit overwhelmed after though.

9. Member of the Original Boston Tea Party

Just the act itself of tossing crates of posh luxuries into what is today one of the most polluted and corpse filled bodies of water in the country has Jello Biafra written all over it.

8. Local School Board Chairman

Jello believes the children are our future. What kind of future that looks like exactly is dependent on how he decides to direct that Federal grant money, but we’re anticipating some new H.R. Giger prints being hung up in the art room.

7. Fire Lookout at Trinity National Forest

For some reason, Jello alone, on a mountaintop, seems like the place for him to really find his best self. A time to reflect… and look for fires. Faraway, quiet, dignified fires.

6. Smithsonian Archivist

He can read and he loves to obsess over pointless shit from a forgotten era. Jello would be great at this.

5. Press Secretary

If ever you needed someone to take political flak from a scrutinous media and spin a colorful narrative of your own devising then Jello is your man. Talking to the media is the one thing he has no problem doing at length. With any luck, they’ll just give up and leave at a certain point.

4. Peace Corps Coordinator

Jello will spend all goddamn month digging that well if he has to. The people of this commune need clean water and they need it now! Also, sunhats! These people need lots and lots of sunhats!

3. Director of the National Endowment for the Arts

Maybe this one is more wishful thinking on our part, but can you imagine all the cool, weird art we could get government funding for if Jello was running the show? Of course, we can’t guarantee he wouldn’t just take the whole annual budget and just start a $160 million record label instead – but even the resultant chaos from that would probably keep us entertained until Congress passes the next budget.

2. Bill Clinton’s Assassin

Towards the end of the Bush administration (both of them) there was a government plot hatched to assassinate the most indescribably fuckable President since Taft. Neither plot got past the planning stages as all meetings to discuss said assassination quickly devolved into full-on, Republican, all-man fuckfests. But had they not, Jello would’ve been their frontrunner sleeper agent… and maybe still is?

1. Director of FEMA

The words “go overboard” have never mattered more to the Federal Emergency Management Agency – you know, the agency that fumbles nearly every major natural disaster this country faces out of indecision and incompetence. Well that’s not gonna be an issue with Jello in the director’s chair. The phrase “hesitate to act” isn’t even in his vocabulary. And he’s spent more than enough time in the punk scene to know exactly what a devastated community needs in times of crisis. So Biden, if you’re reading this (and we all know you are), maybe consider a new cabinet appointment before the next election.

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