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Government Positions Ranked By How Good of a Fit They Would Be for Jello Biafra

29. Mayor of East Lansing, Michigan

It’s a long way from San Francisco, so we’re not sure how well Jello’s one-time mayoral campaign efforts will translate to the Midwest. But if he can get used to the climate in time, he might have a pretty good shot at Deputy Mayor.

28. Custodian at Area 51

The last person we would want making first contact with an alien race is Jello. But on the plus side, none of us would ever have to wait to know about it. Shit, we’d probably know later that afternoon.

27. Speechwriter

Jello is known for having some pretty hard opinions and not being shy of being vocal about them. Surely he could write a handsome few speeches before inevitably being fired for the gratuitous inclusion of the phrases “salami butthole” and “murder ejaculate” in this year’s State of the Union address.

26. Ambassador to Cambodia

We’re only including this one to see which of you assholes didn’t actually bother to read this list and just jumped down to the comments to suggest the job like you think you’re the smartest boy in the world. To everyone who is actually reading this right now, great job! You have our respect and are the future.

25. Mailman

Just the idea of Jello dressed in short pants with a big ol’ mail satchel getting chased by neighborhood chihuahuas is adorable to us. Nothing else about this job matters to us.

24. The Guy Who Changes All the Lightbulbs

They think the current guy’s name is Glen. Whatever, how hard is it to change a lightbulb?

23. NASA Launch Coordinator

Mostly, he’d just be the guy who counts down “10… 9… 8…” when the government is ready to launch some new shit up into space. It’s just really hard to fuck that job up.

22. Webmaster

As a man who loves to come up with interesting (and oftentimes horrifying) characters to base his lyrics off of, this job will be a gold mine of inspiration. We can all look forward to his new song about the half-meth head, half-alligator who takes over a golf course while driving a homemade killdozer. We hope.

21. National Weather Service Hydrologist

According to the NWS website, a hydrologist studies “the occurrence, circulation, distribution, and properties of the waters of the Earth and atmosphere.” Wow! What a racket! Jello could totally bullshit up some water facts.

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