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Commander Biden Bites All 221 House Republicans, Seizes Speakership

WASHINGTON — Commander Biden, President Joe Biden’s two-year-old German Shepard, reportedly bit every single Republican in the House of Representatives before seizing the body’s speakership, wounded GOP sources confirmed.

“Poor Commander has had a rough couple of months…you know, with all the biting. I just wanted to take him out for one last walk around the Capitol grounds before we sent him to live at home in Wilmington,” said First Lady Jill Biden as she tried to keep Commander’s attention with a peanut butter filled Kong toy. “As we started our walk down Independence Avenue, he got loose and started running into the House office buildings. Before I could get a hold of him again, he had apparently bitten every member of the Republican conference and had begun conducting House business.”

Acting Speaker of the House, Representative Patrick McHenry of North Carolina, recalled his lengthy interaction with Commander as the German Shepherd entered his office in the Rayburn House Building.

“That son-of-a-bitch burst through the door into my office like a bat out of hell. He immediately set his teeth to my left calf and would not let go for what felt like an eternity,” said the outraged McHenry. “As I howled in pain, that damn dog leapt onto my desk and seized the House gavel. ‘No you don’t! Drop it! Drop it!’ I yelled as I turned quickly to grab the other end. We then began to engage in a rancorous tug-of-war; one that continued for nearly 10 minutes. Ultimately, he bested me and took off, gavel in mouth, down the hallway where I shortly heard the shrieking, childish cries of our conference’s most detested member, Representative Matt Gaetz of Florida.”

Marshall Wilson, a historian of the presidency at Georgetown University, says Commander is just one of several “First Pets” to exercise some form of power within the United States Government.

“John Adams’ three dogs, Juno, Mark, and Satan, briefly ran day-to-day presidential affairs while Adams dealt with the political fallout of the Alien and Sedition Acts. President Clinton’s cat, Socks, was deeply involved in the negotiations surrounding his failed healthcare reform package. And Obama’s dog, Bo, was directly responsible for ordering at least two dozen drone strikes,” said Wilson. “All of that being said, it is very unusual for a presidential pet to seize control of one of the houses of Congress.”

At press time, Commander had gotten away from the First Lady again and was marking every Republican seat in the House chamber.

Photo by Adam Schultz