Press "Enter" to skip to content

Ibuprofen Sales Up 3000% Following When We Were Young 2

LAS VEGAS — Increasing demand for Ibuprofen following When We Were Young 2, a festival targeting millennials who desperately want to relive their best years, led to massive shortages and significant financial windfalls for Vegas pharmacies, sources who thought they could rally confirmed.

“I’ve never seen or heard anything like this in my life,” stated local CVS General Manager, Jamie Johnson, while chain-smoking during a quick break. “We’ve had to pull stock from three different stores, and we still can’t keep up with the crowds of people in skin-tight pants and Vans slip-ons. The line is still several blocks long, and I can barely even hear myself think over the groans and complaints about lower back and knee pain. It’s been a nightmare.”

Festival attendee Jerod Baskins claimed that while he had a good time at When We Were Young 2, the damage done to his body was hardly worth it.

“I broke my ankle skateboarding when I was 24. I thought it had healed up pretty well, but after standing on asphalt for 12 hours straight trying to get a good spot for Blink, it’s pretty clear that things are still pretty messed up there,” said Baskins while pointing to his mildly swollen left foot. “I guess that’s just what happens when you’re 43. Maybe Blink should write a song about that. I’ve been trying to get some Advil, but after waiting in line at a Walgreens for god knows how long, a cashier ran out and screamed that all the stores in a 75 mile radius were sold out.”

A local drug dealer, who preferred to be called Blitz for anonymity purposes, explained that nostalgia events like this year’s festival are the primary driver of his sales.

“I watch the event schedules, and every time a new festival comes along that drives a lot of interest in the elder-millennial demographic, I try to stock up on basics like Aleve, Advil, and generic store-brand Ibuprofen” stated Blitz, who also said he had some Tums available if we were interested. “So many older people still think they can go to shows without stretching, wearing a knee brace, or drinking water in between the three beers that get them totally wasted now. When the stores run out, guess who has the hottest market in town? Blitz, baby. That’s who.”

At press time, FEMA was seen preparing to airdrop their emergency stock of Tylenol and Liquid IV packets over the parking lot of the Las Vegas Festival Grounds.