Spring Is Sprung! Here’s the Top 20 Excuses To Avoid Self Care Now That You No Longer Have Depression

Posted on by Dan Rice

For many the winter months can be absolutely devastating on mental health. Even if you’re lucky enough to live in a part of the country that doesn’t experience snow and extreme cold, the lack of sunlight can still trigger severe depression. Luckily, spring is here, with sunny days and flowers all around to flood your brain with dopamine! Unfortunately, there’s this unwritten expectation that you’re supposed to actually go out and do stuff now, which frankly, you didn’t sign up for!

Sure, you spent all winter mindlessly staying in, eating junk food, and binge-watching television, but now that you have healthier brain chemistry, you can actually enjoy doing that stuff! Your “loved ones” however may encourage you to ride this wave into the oceans of self-care, activity, and overall life improvement. Vampires!

Here are 20 convenient excuses to keep on keepin’ on and deter chattery interlopers who “want what’s best for you.”

20. Consider a minor but somewhat debilitating injury

A medium amount of damage to either knee or ankle can take most exercise off the board for another 6-8 weeks. Why not give planters fasciitis a try? You’ll be surprised how many other people have been suffering through it.

19. Just, the election and everything, and UGH!

You know? You know what I mean? You know.

18. I just got out of a major depressive episode

We don’t wanna do too much too fast! A month ago I was doing nothing but binging television shows stoned and sad, now I’m binging shows stoned with a sense of mindfulness. Let’s see how this plays out for a few months.

17. My cat is sick

I can’t just leave him like this, he needs someone to ignore!

16. Eating healthy right away would be a shock to my system

I feel like my body needs to relearn how to process vegetables slowly and gradually. This is going to take 6-8 months, and by that time it will be dark at 4 p.m. again and I’ll resume my Flamin’ Hot Cheeto diet.

15. The origins of Spring cleaning are problematic

Colonizers would always start just tidying up and organizing, then, next thing you know, genocide.

14. I’m still like not even halfway through Buffy

I think a great way to tackle my depression is by actually finishing something for a change, and I’m going to start with this 4th rewatch!

13. I keep getting Ubereats promos

At 40% off, if I don’t keep getting McDonald’s dropped off at my door I’m practically throwing money away!

12. I’m doing positive rumination now

Sure a month ago I was spending all my downtime just sitting alone with a glazed-over look thinking about all of the scary things I can’t control, but now I’m doing the same thing thinking about what I would do if I win the lottery!

11. ADHD

I’m not sure how it prevents self-care, but I keep saying it and so far no one has questioned it.

10. A more active lifestyle is a slippery slope that leads to unwanted pregnancy

I really don’t feel like I need to show my math here.

9. The staff at Chipotle is like family to me at this point

It’s not the healthiest lunch option but we’ve definitely established a relationship, and while I can’t recall any of their names at the moment I can’t just ghost them.

8. The sun makes me want a gin & tonic

I know I said I would cool it on the booze once the weather got nice, but that was just the beer and whiskey talking. Besides, gin & tonic has a whole slice of lime in it, and I’m pretty sure that’s a vegetable.

7. The gym is too crowded this time of year

Sure I’m feeling a renewed sense of motivation and energy with all of the sunlight, but so is every other sucker in town! I don’t wanna have to fight for a spot on every machine. Better to wait for winter to roll around when things cool down.

6. 4/20 day is right around the corner!

What’s the point of getting sober now when I’m just going to be obligated to get blazed out of my mind in a few weeks? You can’t fault me for being a holiday person.

5. I refuse to participate in spring until everyone can participate in spring

The Rockies experience more snowfall in April than any other month and that is WRONG!

4. Allergies

Now that I’m no longer miserable I would love to join you for a hike! Unfortunately, it’s pollen season, and my allergies make me an indoor kid for the rest of spring. Don’t push allergy medicine on me, I don’t want pills to change who I am.

3. I’m actually pulling off the dirtbag look!

The tattered clothes, overgrown hair, and shaggy beard all started as manifestations of my deep depression, but now that I have energy and motivation again they’re all choices.

2. I’m just gonna get depressed again anyway

Just because I’m happy and my brain is swimming with dopamine right now doesn’t mean it’s not all BULLSHIT, man.

1. Sobriety and exercise would actually send me into mania

This is a dangerous, transitional time for me and I’m one push-up endorphin release away from streaking through town hall and calling myself Jesus Christ.

That’s Really All It Took?! We Got This Guy To Stop Supporting Trump by Mocking Him With a Fake Whip Noise

Posted on by Stephen Bell

Trump supporters are notorious for their undying loyalty to their creamsicle god. The idea that Trump could shoot someone on 5th avenue and not lose any votes seems so real. That’s why it was so shocking to us when we got this guy to stop supporting Trump just by making that fake whip noise you use when you make fun of your buddy for being whipped. Like how the hell did this work?

We got into a conversation with this guy we’ll refer to as ‘Jeff’ on account of that being his name. He was ranting about some inane border conspiracy and how Trump was the only one who could save us from trans-hamas-socialist-fascist-satanic illegals crossing the border. I told him his devotion to Trump showed how whipped he really was and started going “fwi-tch” while snapping my wrist. Every time he tried to speak I would call him whipped and do it again. To my shock, he finally said he’s going to prove me wrong and not vote for Trump anymore!

Like when I first started doing it he got mad and said he was going to beat my ass. I told him he could try but he couldn’t beat me any harder than Trump already whips his ass before snapping my wrist a few more times and this caused Jeff to turn redder than his hat.

He went into this long diatribe about how much Biden sucks and tried to say that Biden had my ass whipped. The problem was that all I did was agree with him every time he said Biden sucks. That certainly made some wires come loose because he couldn’t understand that I don’t have the same undying devotion to Biden that he does to his non-safe word word-respecting dominatrix daddy T.

I finally told him he wasn’t his own man anymore and that his ass should get branded with the Trump logo already because it’s clearly Donald’s property. Like if someone wanted Trump steaks they don’t have to go to the Sharper Image anymore because they could just get some of Jeff’s ass because it’s clearly Trump’s property. That was the final straw apparently.

Anyway I don’t know who Jeff is going to vote for now but he swears he’s not going to vote for Trump anymore. I don’t know maybe I can get him to not vote for Ted Cruz next by saying I can’t hear him because his mouth is too full of Ted’s cock. The possibilities are endless!

​Study Finds More Americans Taking on Second or Third Mid-Life Crises

Posted on by Ben Friedman

WASHINGTON — A recent study conducted by the Census Bureau revealed that the majority of Millennial Americans are forced to take on a second or third midlife crisis just by existing in the United States, multiple sources have confirmed.

“After extensive research, our data has shown the number of citizens experiencing existential crises has not only doubled in the last 20 years, but that many are juggling two or three of them at once. It’s approximately one crisis for every job worked or child reared,” said Bureau researcher Morgan Chase. “Thirty years ago one could suffer suburban malaise and wonder if they did anything meaningful with their lives on a single dead-end job. Now Millennials are quickly becoming the new ‘olds’ with little to show for it, so millions of people are on the verge of dying their hair and moving to a different country within a week.”

Those who participated in the research were well aware they were disassociating much more than previous generations.

“I was barely holding it together after this 19-year-old barista referred to me as ma’am, but then I got my student loan bill and 20-year high school graduation invite on the same day. I cannot handle having so much time behind me while I’m still yet to find a rewarding career, which means if I’m going to recapture the feeling of being young and carefree I’m going to have to take up even more hobbies to distract myself,” said Taylor Clemmons, age 36. “I can’t physically take one more video of a Gen Z kid confused by how landline phones work. I’m already training for a triathlon and wall climbing to feel young again. I don’t think my knees can handle having to face my own mortality much longer.”

Psychologists helping patients through the multitude of crises expressed worry that the issue may compound over time.

“Handling a patient’s midlife crisis used to be easy, like they went out and bought a muscle car without consulting their wives or whatever. But let’s face it, after 2020, everyone’s anxieties started running wild once it appeared civilization was in the endgame,’ said Dr. Richard Brown. “I’ve had at least several guys in here blow their kids’ college funds buying Stratocasters and converting their garages into bars, just to realize they can’t play or handle their booze anymore. It’s a vicious downward spiral.”

The study also warned that a substantial number of Americans are just one soul-searching dilemma away from asking their spouses for an open marriage.

Help! Bragging About Landing This Job Has Run Its Course and Now I Have To Work This Fucking Job!

Posted on by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

Well, I did it! After weeks of updating my resume, blasting job sites, and interviewing for several positions, I landed the most impressive-sounding job I’ve ever had! But oh, no! The last few likes on my “dream job” post trickled in days ago, and now there’s nothing left to do but work this fucking job! Help!

I used the “dream job” label pretty loosely. It just sounds so perfect for the post. The “fucking told you so” call to my dad was liberating. Texting former coworkers that I’m better than them now was gratifying. But blasting my achievement on social media was just pure bliss! The number of likes on my “new job” post rivaled all my dumb friends’ weddings and firstborn child posts. Those life events don’t even get the added bragging avenue of LinkedIn! With all those likes and comments rolling in, I felt like an influencer.

Welp! The honeymoon’s over, I guess. I milked it for all it’s worth, and now I’m buried in work at my dumb new desk. It’s not even work-from-home! I even tried a follow-up post of me on my first day, but it only got 6 likes cus everyone was probably like, “Yeah man, you fucking told us already.” Unless I just subtly drop it in conversations with strangers, there’s no other way to eke more immediate gratification out of this!

Here’s the thing about finding good work—it’s still work! The worst thing there is! Your job could be eating ice cream all day, it doesn’t matter. The second someone says “Eat this ice cream when we say to or you will be homeless” you won’t want to do it!

Man, getting a new job is like all of my sexual encounters. I climax before the job even starts, and now someone is mad at me because I lied about my past experience. Except, in this case, I really hope they don’t throw me out. My mom would be so pissed. Even as I write this, my boss is just staring daggers at me, expecting something that I have no idea how to do. Like, who can conjure up 3 Disney memes in one day?! No one. I had one about the sexual tension between that human woman and a bee, but “Bee Movie” was Dreamworks!

I gotta get out of here. It’s for the best. I’ll get to live at my mom’s a bit longer (which will delay her new boyfriend from moving in), and I can really focus on drafting a new “new job” post!

Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll: I Just Jerked Off, Took My Prozac, and Listened to the Glee Cover of “Dream On”

Posted on by Malia Simon

The ‘70s are back, baby, and they’re right here in my 250-square-foot apartment. I’m reliving the debauchery of the decade by masturbating to completion, taking my doctor-prescribed dosage of antidepressants, and listening to the “Glee” cover of “Dream On,” arguably the best track on the perfectly good “Glee Collection” vinyl that my upstairs neighbor was throwing away for some reason.

I’ve always said I was born in the wrong generation, and everything about this Tuesday night takes me back to the golden age of the sexual revolution when being sweaty and horny was in and it was badass to have zero control over your sexual impulses. Now picture this: if you think having orgies and threesomes in a club are rock ‘n roll, imagine having a one-some in your own home with your hand and an improvised Fleshlight made of out a Nalgene bottle and old sponges. It’s really the ultimate act of rebellion for the modern individualist if you think about it. Don’t believe me? Then why do I feel a nearly insurmountable wave of guilt and shame after finishing? And why do I immediately reach for my drugs on the nightstand?

And yes, by drugs I mean the antidepressants I have been medically prescribed in order to be baseline functional—the ‘Zac, or as some have called it, “the feeling man’s cocaine.” Call me a product of my time, but there is no drug that makes me rock out more than one that keeps me from walking into traffic every morning. LSD and molly are nice for the young buck, but these days I get down to feeling bare-minimum okay inside. As I’ve always said, what better way to party like you don’t give a fuck than actually chemically stabilizing your mood?

Finally, for the music. Tonight I have once again chosen to relive the iconic moment in rock ‘n roll history of the Neil Patrick Harris and Matthew Morrison “Dream On” duet from Season 1 Episode 19 of “Glee.” Sure, I could put on The Stones or Hendrix like a normie, but personally I can relate to music more when there is a backstory about the highs and lows of high school drama club. Being rock ‘n roll is all about being yourself, which also happens to be the exact takeaway message of “Glee.” See, while some are chasing down the sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll era, others of us have never stopped living it. As Matthew Morrison beautifully belts in his verse: “You got to lose to know how to win.”

Goth Woman Uses Incognito Mode to Shop for Sensible Shoes

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

SEATTLE – An integral member of the local goth scene caused an uproar when it was discovered she was using the Incognito Mode on her browser to shop for sensible shoes, concerned friends report.

“I went on her computer to check a ticket presale and I saw it: she was on private but she hadn’t logged out of the Clarks page. What I saw will be burned into my brain forever,” said former friend Amethyst Willow Sanderson. “I remember because it was a white, chunky sandal with arch support and a memory foam footbed. It looked like pillows for your feet. There were no buckles, no giant heels, they weren’t even leather. I just hope that she was shopping for one of her aunts or something, because this is unforgivable.”

Sarah Mathis, the goth in question, reports that there is immense pressure in the community to dress a certain way, despite one’s feet aging along with the rest of them.

“I’ve realized a change in myself lately. I want to be, I don’t know, comfortable? I didn’t want to admit it to my friends. I really didn’t want to admit it to myself. And I would sooner die than admit it to whoever is responsible for the next Google data breach,” said the 35-year-old. “I mean I’m not 20 anymore. I have plantar fasciitis so bad that my doctor actually told me amputation could be a good option. My lack of proper footwear has led to imbalances in my hips, back, and knees. Plus, I have like 3 different kinds of fungus. One of them they’d never even seen before. It’s named after me now.”

Doctor Katie Soppet, the top Podiatrist in Washington State, shed some light on issues affecting goths with feet.

“Yeah, all the goths I deal with have Trench Foot. We haven’t seen an epidemic this bad since World War I, but what do you expect when you wear combat boots all day every day in a place that never stops raining? Sometimes I feel like I haven’t seen a dry foot since the ‘70s,” said Dr. Soppet. “I don’t expect them to go cold turkey, no. But it might be a good idea to go barefoot at home on Sundays when no one is there. Or even experiment with a loafer. I’m sure they make them in black.”

At press time, Mathis reported she was shopping for a blonde wig, facial prosthetics, and a sundress in order to walk barefoot on the beach for the first time since she was a teenager.

Help! I’m at My Grandpa’s Funeral and My Psychobilly Cousin Is Trying To Play His Coffin Like It’s a Bass

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

Someone has got to stop him. He keeps doing it and it’s not funny. It wasn’t funny the first time and it’s not funny now, after the fifth time.

We’re here to pay our respects to Grandpa Mac who died tragically last Saturday after getting hit by a loose shopping cart in a Vons parking lot. He was a great man and my psychobilly cousin, Mike, is being obscenely disrespectful by going up to his open casket and pretending to play it like it’s a bass. It’s especially fucked up since it was Grandpa Mac who first paid for his bass lessons in middle school.

Honestly, if he does it again, someone has to stop him. I can’t do it because the last time he and I got in a physical altercation, he poked me with a switchblade. It was one of those switchblade combs but still…it really, really hurt.

This family has done so much for him. We all supported Mike when he changed his name to “V. Carnal II.” We all told him his pompadour “looked great” even though we all thought it looked dumb. And the whole family went to go see his band, the Lonesome Cemetery Maniacs, when they played their first show. All that love and still he’s still behaving like a fucking shithead.

I seriously wish I could say this was the first time he’s done this. He’s pretended the casket is a bass at every single family funeral for the last five years. He did it at Grandma Edna’s, at cousin Mark’s, and he even did it at his own twin brother’s. My Aunt Deb says Mike does it because he doesn’t know how to process his grief and that he’s been working on dealing with his pain productively in therapy. Personally? I think that’s bullshit. I think he’s doing it because it fits his stupid psychobilly “brand” and he thinks it’s funny.

If he won’t listen to his family members, maybe he’ll listen to his girlfriend, Rita D. Ghoul. Someone should talk to her! I can’t do it because the last time she and I had a disagreement she tried to choke me with the red kerchief she was wearing around her neck. She’s really strong!

Welp…there he goes again, for the sixth time. Someone. Please. Help!

Ben Shapiro Claims Palestinian Children Keep Dying on Purpose to Get out of Debating Him About Definition of Genocide

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Right-wing media pundit Ben Shapiro continued his attacks against the people of Palestine by claiming children in Gaza are dying on purpose to avoid debating him in public about what constitutes genocide, sources confirmed.

“I’ve extended an open invitation to anyone between the ages of four and twelve, who can actually speak English, to debate me on the topic. But so far not a single one of them is brave enough to step up to the microphone to condemn Hamas, admit Israel is just defending itself, and admit once and for all that this is not a genocide,” said Shapiro as Palestine creeps closer to famine. “I see these numbers that 100 kids a day are dying and I’m left to think they are doing it to themselves so I don’t embarrass them in front of millions of viewers. It’s sad, I’m giving these kids a chance to tell their side of the story but they choose to starve themselves and run underneath Israeli peace-keeping missiles.”

Nine-year-old Fatima Mousa is one of the many children forced to leave their homes due to Israel’s aggression.

“They told us to move South, and when we did they bombed our camp. My father went to try to get us food and never returned. I used to cry myself to sleep, but now I feel nothing. All I see is suffering,” said Mousa from a makeshift tent. “I was made aware of Mr. Shapiro’s invitation, I tried accepting it but his producers said I would need to immigrate to America legally before they would talk to me. I would be an adult by the time that process was finished, but I know I’ll be dead before then anyway. We are all going to die, and nobody seems to care.”

Multiple activists remain outraged by Shapiro’s claims about Palestinian children.

“I’ve tried many times to get Ben to have an open discourse about Israel’s extermination of Palestinians, but every time I reach out his people send me the YouTube link to that terrible rap song he did. When I try to follow up they call me a ‘Woke Libtard,’” said community organizer Teisha Linscomb. “ It’s clear Ben doesn’t actually want to debate anyone, he just wants to use his pseudo-intellectual schtick to convince the dumbest people you went to high school with to believe the crap he talks about.”

At press time, Shapiro announced he would be watching the 2023 film “Barbie” for the 40th time to look for clues tying the movie to Hamas.

We Revisit The Bloodhound Gang Because Our Best Friend From 7th Grade is in Town and We Have Literally Nothing in Common Anymore

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

We all remember The Bloodhound Gang, right? I mean, maybe not all of us. But if you’re like, between the ages of 30 and 40 there’s a good chance that “The Bad Touch” means more to you than “The Star-Spangled Banner” ever could. Well, we recently revisited these comedy rap rock mischief makers, mainly due to the fact that we had gotten back in touch with our best friend from 7th grade, Tanner, and it seems we don’t have much else in common anymore.

We hadn’t seen Tanner since 2001, when his family had to move after he got expelled for pissing into a hand dryer that the Principal used like two minutes later. The guy was covered in piss. But yeah, it’s been a while since we’ve talked with Tanner. We think we might’ve been MySpace friends? But he said he was visiting for something called “SchlongCon.” We didn’t ask but we figured it’d be good to catch up and reminisce.

Well, it took about 10 minutes of catching up and reminiscing to realize that arguably the only thing Tanner and us have in common anymore is the music of the Bloodhound Gang!

Tanner told us about his job and pretty soon it became apparent that he got roped into a pyramid scheme involving herbal enhancement supplements. We did our best to change the subject by bringing up other friends we had back in the day. But there wasn’t much to say because most of them OD’d and talking about them made us both really sad. Right then he tried to bring up a YouTube of this guy he described as “Jordan Peterson but even better,” we mentioned all the hours we spent listening to the Bloodhound Gang. And before we knew it, we were in Tanner’s ‘01 Camry, listening to “Hooray for Boobies” on his seven-disc changer.

Originally, we thought we’d just listen to “The Bad Touch,” but Tanner said there were so many other “hilarious” songs. Well, there are like, 20 songs on that album. And some of them are kinda funny, yeah. Or like, more accurately, there are a few scattered lines that made us chuckle from pure immature nostalgia. Then there’s a whole lot that just lands as shock humor that feels like it wasn’t supposed to be heard past 1999.

But Tanner not only finds every lyric of every song laugh-out-loud funny, from “I hope your cellmate thinks he’s God. But C.N.N. refer to him as ‘Bowling Ball Bag Bob’” to “Got shot down like Larry Flynt. Felt like shit like a bowel movement.” There were also a whole lot of times when he just shook his head and said “You couldn’t get away with that nowadays.”

We got out of there before he had the chance to show us a song from their last album, apparently entitled “American Bitches.” But we did learn an important lesson: both Tanner and the Bloodhound Gang are things better left to our middle school memories.

“The Bad Touch” still slaps, though.

Neil Young Returns to Spotify After Realizing He Needs a Few Quarters to Feed Parking Meter

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

LOS ANGELES — Legendary musician Neil Young begrudgingly returned to Spotify after two years when he was short on loose change to feed a parking meter, sources close to the situation confirmed.

“My accountants told me that removing my catalog from the platform for the past two years deprived me of about $38 and I felt that hit earlier today when I tore my SUV apart looking for change to pay for parking so I could run into a coffee shop,” said Young. “I always opted to have my royalties paid in cash. So at the end of every quarter I would get a baggie from Spotify with a crumpled-up dollar bill and an assortment of change that I always kept in my cupholder. It will be nice to have that revenue stream back so I don’t have to worry about this again.”

Young’s financial advisor was instrumental in convincing the Canadian-born musician to put his music back on Spotify.

“Neil has gotten two $60 parking tickets over the past 30 days that could have been avoided if he had his Spotify money. My calculations show that he’s going to have to keep his music on the platform for another 140 years to make up the cost of those tickets,” said Robert Mendez CPA. “This doesn’t even take into account all the times Neil has been stuck at a red light and a homeless person asks for change. Neil is typically a generous man so he would normally toss some money their way, but now he has nothing to give. He’s forced to awkwardly roll up his window and avoid eye contact.”

Spotify CEO Daniel Ek says Young is just one example of the millions of artists Spotify supports.

“I get messages all the time from musicians thanking me for providing them with a platform to spread their music and get paid. I got an email from Calvin Harris thanking me because his Spotify payments allowed him to do nearly all his laundry at a coin-operated laundromat,” said Ek. “And Billie Eilish posted a video of herself using one of those coin funnels at the mall and she was having the time of her life. Without Spotify she would never have had loose change just sitting around. Seeing her smile as the coin was spinning really fast towards the bottom of the funnel makes all of this worth it.”

At press time, Young announced he would be spending a portion of his first royalty payment on a temporary skull tattoo from a vending machine near the entrance of his local supermarket.