LOS ANGELES — Reports have come in of a new hero with the superhuman ability to tell how many cars would have fit on along a curb if not for the fact that everybody parked like absolute fucking assholes, confirmed sources.
“I don’t know how it happened, I just woke up today and I could tell something was different. I was unable to park on the curb outside my favorite coffee shop and something within me just knew that seven cars should be able to fit on this curb, but there were only six. At that moment I knew I had to use this power for good,” the hero explained, who said his true identity was a secret, but that he’d like to be known as Auto-Otto. “To be honest, the answer is usually one or, at the absolute most, two more cars than are currently parked on any given curb. This new ability is a blessing and a curse.”
Auto-Otto kicked up quite the fuss, letting everybody around him know about his incredible discovery.
“I had just parked and heard him roll his window down before shouting that one more car could fit along the curb, and my mind was blown,” said Kevin Alonso, a witness to the incredible event. “I said to myself, that guy is a super genius, and he’s doing the public a great service with his ability. Honestly, I just feel lucky to have been there for such a historic event. He’s not the hero we need, but he’s the hero we deserve.”
The surfacing of this hero has already brought many figures of Auto-Otto’s past out of the woodwork, the most relevant one being Courtney Miller, an ex-girlfriend.
“I don’t know where he got Otto from, his name is Josh,” said Miller. “Part of why I broke up with him was that he had such terrible road rage. He would always roll his window down and scream at people. Seeing this change in him has been eye-opening, I mean he must have learned a lot to choose such a selfless path.”
At press time, Auto-Otto was seen spending some time greeting his new fans before speeding off into the sunset in his Toyota Corolla to continue saving lives.
