SEATTLE – An integral member of the local goth scene caused an uproar when it was discovered she was using the Incognito Mode on her browser to shop for sensible shoes, concerned friends report.
“I went on her computer to check a ticket presale and I saw it: she was on private but she hadn’t logged out of the Clarks page. What I saw will be burned into my brain forever,” said former friend Amethyst Willow Sanderson. “I remember because it was a white, chunky sandal with arch support and a memory foam footbed. It looked like pillows for your feet. There were no buckles, no giant heels, they weren’t even leather. I just hope that she was shopping for one of her aunts or something, because this is unforgivable.”
Sarah Mathis, the goth in question, reports that there is immense pressure in the community to dress a certain way, despite one’s feet aging along with the rest of them.
“I’ve realized a change in myself lately. I want to be, I don’t know, comfortable? I didn’t want to admit it to my friends. I really didn’t want to admit it to myself. And I would sooner die than admit it to whoever is responsible for the next Google data breach,” said the 35-year-old. “I mean I’m not 20 anymore. I have plantar fasciitis so bad that my doctor actually told me amputation could be a good option. My lack of proper footwear has led to imbalances in my hips, back, and knees. Plus, I have like 3 different kinds of fungus. One of them they’d never even seen before. It’s named after me now.”
Doctor Katie Soppet, the top Podiatrist in Washington State, shed some light on issues affecting goths with feet.
“Yeah, all the goths I deal with have Trench Foot. We haven’t seen an epidemic this bad since World War I, but what do you expect when you wear combat boots all day every day in a place that never stops raining? Sometimes I feel like I haven’t seen a dry foot since the ‘70s,” said Dr. Soppet. “I don’t expect them to go cold turkey, no. But it might be a good idea to go barefoot at home on Sundays when no one is there. Or even experiment with a loafer. I’m sure they make them in black.”
At press time, Mathis reported she was shopping for a blonde wig, facial prosthetics, and a sundress in order to walk barefoot on the beach for the first time since she was a teenager.