We all remember The Bloodhound Gang, right? I mean, maybe not all of us. But if you’re like, between the ages of 30 and 40 there’s a good chance that “The Bad Touch” means more to you than “The Star-Spangled Banner” ever could. Well, we recently revisited these comedy rap rock mischief makers, mainly due to the fact that we had gotten back in touch with our best friend from 7th grade, Tanner, and it seems we don’t have much else in common anymore.
We hadn’t seen Tanner since 2001, when his family had to move after he got expelled for pissing into a hand dryer that the Principal used like two minutes later. The guy was covered in piss. But yeah, it’s been a while since we’ve talked with Tanner. We think we might’ve been MySpace friends? But he said he was visiting for something called “SchlongCon.” We didn’t ask but we figured it’d be good to catch up and reminisce.
Well, it took about 10 minutes of catching up and reminiscing to realize that arguably the only thing Tanner and us have in common anymore is the music of the Bloodhound Gang!
Tanner told us about his job and pretty soon it became apparent that he got roped into a pyramid scheme involving herbal enhancement supplements. We did our best to change the subject by bringing up other friends we had back in the day. But there wasn’t much to say because most of them OD’d and talking about them made us both really sad. Right then he tried to bring up a YouTube of this guy he described as “Jordan Peterson but even better,” we mentioned all the hours we spent listening to the Bloodhound Gang. And before we knew it, we were in Tanner’s ‘01 Camry, listening to “Hooray for Boobies” on his seven-disc changer.
Originally, we thought we’d just listen to “The Bad Touch,” but Tanner said there were so many other “hilarious” songs. Well, there are like, 20 songs on that album. And some of them are kinda funny, yeah. Or like, more accurately, there are a few scattered lines that made us chuckle from pure immature nostalgia. Then there’s a whole lot that just lands as shock humor that feels like it wasn’t supposed to be heard past 1999.
But Tanner not only finds every lyric of every song laugh-out-loud funny, from “I hope your cellmate thinks he’s God. But C.N.N. refer to him as ‘Bowling Ball Bag Bob’” to “Got shot down like Larry Flynt. Felt like shit like a bowel movement.” There were also a whole lot of times when he just shook his head and said “You couldn’t get away with that nowadays.”
We got out of there before he had the chance to show us a song from their last album, apparently entitled “American Bitches.” But we did learn an important lesson: both Tanner and the Bloodhound Gang are things better left to our middle school memories.
“The Bad Touch” still slaps, though.