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Spring Is Sprung! Here’s the Top 20 Excuses To Avoid Self Care Now That You No Longer Have Depression

For many the winter months can be absolutely devastating on mental health. Even if you’re lucky enough to live in a part of the country that doesn’t experience snow and extreme cold, the lack of sunlight can still trigger severe depression. Luckily, spring is here, with sunny days and flowers all around to flood your brain with dopamine! Unfortunately, there’s this unwritten expectation that you’re supposed to actually go out and do stuff now, which frankly, you didn’t sign up for!

Sure, you spent all winter mindlessly staying in, eating junk food, and binge-watching television, but now that you have healthier brain chemistry, you can actually enjoy doing that stuff! Your “loved ones” however may encourage you to ride this wave into the oceans of self-care, activity, and overall life improvement. Vampires!

Here are 20 convenient excuses to keep on keepin’ on and deter chattery interlopers who “want what’s best for you.”

20. Consider a minor but somewhat debilitating injury

A medium amount of damage to either knee or ankle can take most exercise off the board for another 6-8 weeks. Why not give planters fasciitis a try? You’ll be surprised how many other people have been suffering through it.

19. Just, the election and everything, and UGH!

You know? You know what I mean? You know.

18. I just got out of a major depressive episode

We don’t wanna do too much too fast! A month ago I was doing nothing but binging television shows stoned and sad, now I’m binging shows stoned with a sense of mindfulness. Let’s see how this plays out for a few months.

17. My cat is sick

I can’t just leave him like this, he needs someone to ignore!

16. Eating healthy right away would be a shock to my system

I feel like my body needs to relearn how to process vegetables slowly and gradually. This is going to take 6-8 months, and by that time it will be dark at 4 p.m. again and I’ll resume my Flamin’ Hot Cheeto diet.

15. The origins of Spring cleaning are problematic

Colonizers would always start just tidying up and organizing, then, next thing you know, genocide.

14. I’m still like not even halfway through Buffy

I think a great way to tackle my depression is by actually finishing something for a change, and I’m going to start with this 4th rewatch!

13. I keep getting Ubereats promos

At 40% off, if I don’t keep getting McDonald’s dropped off at my door I’m practically throwing money away!

12. I’m doing positive rumination now

Sure a month ago I was spending all my downtime just sitting alone with a glazed-over look thinking about all of the scary things I can’t control, but now I’m doing the same thing thinking about what I would do if I win the lottery!

11. ADHD

I’m not sure how it prevents self-care, but I keep saying it and so far no one has questioned it.

10. A more active lifestyle is a slippery slope that leads to unwanted pregnancy

I really don’t feel like I need to show my math here.

9. The staff at Chipotle is like family to me at this point

It’s not the healthiest lunch option but we’ve definitely established a relationship, and while I can’t recall any of their names at the moment I can’t just ghost them.

8. The sun makes me want a gin & tonic

I know I said I would cool it on the booze once the weather got nice, but that was just the beer and whiskey talking. Besides, gin & tonic has a whole slice of lime in it, and I’m pretty sure that’s a vegetable.

7. The gym is too crowded this time of year

Sure I’m feeling a renewed sense of motivation and energy with all of the sunlight, but so is every other sucker in town! I don’t wanna have to fight for a spot on every machine. Better to wait for winter to roll around when things cool down.

6. 4/20 day is right around the corner!

What’s the point of getting sober now when I’m just going to be obligated to get blazed out of my mind in a few weeks? You can’t fault me for being a holiday person.

5. I refuse to participate in spring until everyone can participate in spring

The Rockies experience more snowfall in April than any other month and that is WRONG!

4. Allergies

Now that I’m no longer miserable I would love to join you for a hike! Unfortunately, it’s pollen season, and my allergies make me an indoor kid for the rest of spring. Don’t push allergy medicine on me, I don’t want pills to change who I am.

3. I’m actually pulling off the dirtbag look!

The tattered clothes, overgrown hair, and shaggy beard all started as manifestations of my deep depression, but now that I have energy and motivation again they’re all choices.

2. I’m just gonna get depressed again anyway

Just because I’m happy and my brain is swimming with dopamine right now doesn’t mean it’s not all BULLSHIT, man.

1. Sobriety and exercise would actually send me into mania

This is a dangerous, transitional time for me and I’m one push-up endorphin release away from streaking through town hall and calling myself Jesus Christ.