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Help! I’m at My Grandpa’s Funeral and My Psychobilly Cousin Is Trying To Play His Coffin Like It’s a Bass

Someone has got to stop him. He keeps doing it and it’s not funny. It wasn’t funny the first time and it’s not funny now, after the fifth time.

We’re here to pay our respects to Grandpa Mac who died tragically last Saturday after getting hit by a loose shopping cart in a Vons parking lot. He was a great man and my psychobilly cousin, Mike, is being obscenely disrespectful by going up to his open casket and pretending to play it like it’s a bass. It’s especially fucked up since it was Grandpa Mac who first paid for his bass lessons in middle school.

Honestly, if he does it again, someone has to stop him. I can’t do it because the last time he and I got in a physical altercation, he poked me with a switchblade. It was one of those switchblade combs but still…it really, really hurt.

This family has done so much for him. We all supported Mike when he changed his name to “V. Carnal II.” We all told him his pompadour “looked great” even though we all thought it looked dumb. And the whole family went to go see his band, the Lonesome Cemetery Maniacs, when they played their first show. All that love and still he’s still behaving like a fucking shithead.

I seriously wish I could say this was the first time he’s done this. He’s pretended the casket is a bass at every single family funeral for the last five years. He did it at Grandma Edna’s, at cousin Mark’s, and he even did it at his own twin brother’s. My Aunt Deb says Mike does it because he doesn’t know how to process his grief and that he’s been working on dealing with his pain productively in therapy. Personally? I think that’s bullshit. I think he’s doing it because it fits his stupid psychobilly “brand” and he thinks it’s funny.

If he won’t listen to his family members, maybe he’ll listen to his girlfriend, Rita D. Ghoul. Someone should talk to her! I can’t do it because the last time she and I had a disagreement she tried to choke me with the red kerchief she was wearing around her neck. She’s really strong!

Welp…there he goes again, for the sixth time. Someone. Please. Help!