Coronavirus Looking Forward to Another Four Years

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA — The coronavirus, the cause of a worldwide pandemic that has killed over one million people thus far, endorsed President Trump today in the hopes of securing another four years of unmitigated death and destruction.

“Honestly, no one — and I’m including Xi Jinping in this calculation — has been better for my proliferation and spread than President Trump,” said the virus during a Trump-sanctioned super-spreader event. “His lungs have personally been my home. Not only that, but he helped spread it to plenty of other government officials, and his rallies have pushed me places I never thought I’d go. If you’re an infectious disease and want to reproduce with no impediments, it’s Trump 2020 all the way.”

Undecided voter Kevin Johnson had mixed feelings about the coronavirus giving such a full-lunged endorsement of Trump.

“I suppose I should be more worried that a virus which has led to the death of hundreds of thousands of Americans is on Trump’s side,” said Johnson. “But if Joe Biden is behind the wheel, he might raise my taxes… assuming I get my job at the hotel back, and I receive a $365,000 raise. I just don’t know who to vote for.”

President Trump showed tepid but appreciative acceptance of the coronavirus’ endorsement.

“Look, I know people have a lot of negative things to say about the coronavirus, but this is a great virus — a virus that has grown in America, and I believe has a lot of the same values of the Republican party,” stated a wheezing Trump. “This virus is a part of all of us now, and it seems like a real winner, OK? Because it is definitely winning right now, and I can respect that. A real American virus and a real winner, just like me. Sleepy Joe wants to destroy this kind virus, while I want to work with it to keep America great.”

Trump is now encouraging all of his supporters to lick each other’s faces, as requested directly by the coronavirus.

Voter Waits 8 Long Hours to Cast Ballot for Harambe

CHICAGO — Historically undecided voter Gunther Wexler waited eight grueling hours yesterday to cast a “protest” vote for Harambe, the gorilla who was infamously murdered in 2016 after negligent parents allowed their dumb kid to casually make his way into its enclosure at the Cincinnati Zoo.

“How else am I supposed to prove to the world that this two-party system is completely ridiculous and both candidates are absolutely dreadful?” said Wexler before ordering a “Harambe: Make America Ape Again” hat online. “One candidate is a total narcissistic fascist and aspiring autocrat who uses dangerous rhetoric to actively divide this country, and the other is Joe Biden. Hell, in 2016 I stood in line for six hours to vote for Jill Stein to prove the same exact point. While it didn’t get anyone talking about my cause, it made me feel pretty self-important, and that’s what voting is all about.”

Zoo employees are floored by the amount of attention the gorilla is still receiving.

“It’s quite alarming how many people use the tragic demise of Harambe to make completely unrelated and rather hollow points,” said zookeeper Debbie Weinsenberg. “But the more this silverback gets attention, the more it boosts sales here at the zoo — we still can’t keep our Harambe stuffed animals on the gift shop shelves. So go ahead and vote for absolutely nothing politically, and hopefully everyone will sort of forget that our incompetence is what led to Harambe being executed.”

Experts weighed in on the trend of voting for pop culture references in national elections.

“Protesting is vital to this country’s democracy, and yet we should really, really try not to laugh at a half-assessed attempt to ‘disrupt’ the system by voting for a dead gorilla,” said political analyst Michelle Towerberger. “Also, that Harambe thing happened years ago. At least be a little more current with your reference. If you want to waste your vote in style, there are a ton of up-to-date fake candidate suggestions on the official libertarian website, like Tiger King, Wet Ass Politician, or Gary Johnson. Fuck, just write in Bernie Sanders. At least that makes some sense.”

Wexler has since posted a photo with his “I Voted” sticker along with an exhaustively sanctimonious message on Facebook, completely unaware that almost all of his friends unfollowed him after he recently expressed support for a variety of Qanon conspiracies.

We Look Back on the “Rock Against Bush” Compilations To Figure Out How Fat Mike Stopped His Second Term

The year was 2004 and we were a freshman in high school. While most focused on the defining cultural moment of the year—“Napoleon Dynamite” redefining what humor could be—we were focused on the smaller, but still important issue of voting George W. Bush out of office and replacing him with… well, we don’t remember their name but we do recall feeling very passionately about him or her.

We don’t remember much of the details surrounding that election since that was also the year we discovered you can smoke weed out of a soda can, but I did listen to the “Rock Against Bush” compilations. As we find ourselves in a similarly important election, we looked back on how “Fat” Mike Burkett and the Rock Against Bush campaign successfully ended the tyrannical administration of George W. Bush.

Between the weed, mosh pit concussions, and our obsessive need to replicate the shopping cart skit from “Jackass,” we don’t remember much from this election cycle so we had to base our knowledge of US history on the lyrical content of the songs. After hitting play, we can definitively say that as a result of these $5 albums (free in several issues of “Alternative Press”), not only was a sane voice restored to the White House, but over the course of the two-volume, 54-song set, Burkett’s hand-picked tracklist illustrated how consciously engaging punk rock could effectively bring change to an otherwise corrupt system.

Or maybe it was 2005.

This radical methodology was pivotal for our young mind and “Vol. 1” was there to offer us searing takes on the emotional state of American voters, perhaps best exemplified in Sum 41’s “Moron.” As a 14-year-old who had spent the summer feverishly engrossing himself with the treacherous political landscape that had taken hold of our country, Deryck Whibley’s anguished exclamations were nothing shy of my generation’s “My Generation.”

Armed with the anti-capitalist sentiments of New Found Glory’s “No News Is Good News,” we were ready to reject the consumer ideology that had been force-fed to us our entire life and smash the system. As the compilation raged on, each song carved into us like a musical scalpel. Excitement and fear seemed to exist simultaneously; fighting for control.

We can still remember the moment we knew things were finally over for Bush and his cronies. Our older brother stopped by our local record store to pick up “Vol. 2” after leaving school one afternoon and when he came home he hit play and we heard the truth. From Green Day and Bad Religion to Sugarcult and a 55-second Foo Fighters song, it was clear there was no turning back. Like us, our great nation was forever changed. We’d say we were shocked but, hey, Yellowcard’s cover of “Violins” will do that to you.

Desperate Trump Loads Gun And Heads to 5th Avenue

NEW YORK — A visibly desperate and agitated President Donald Trump loaded his IMI Desert Eagle handgun today and travelled to Manhattan’s 5th Ave. to make good on his initial campaign promise of openly shooting a bystander, hoping to secure enough votes to defeat Democratic challenger Joe Biden.

“These people love me, and I’m here to prove just how much,” explained the gun-wielding leader of the free world in front of Trump Plaza. “I said I could do it, right here in the middle of the street — I said it before the last election, and look what happened: they cheered so loud and voted me into office. This will be the greatest shooting spree in American history — better than any mass casualty event in the history of the country. Very good for our economy. Today, I Make America Great Again!”

Despite appearing more energetic and agile since his COVID-19 diagnosis last month, many in Trump’s own Cabinet frantically tried to discourage him.

“I did my best, but I couldn’t stop him from walking out here,” a tearful Jared Kushner sobbed. “I tried to tell him that murder won’t help, but he wouldn’t listen — he had that ‘I’m going to kiss my adult daughter on the lips’ look in his eyes. I know it all too well. You do not get in front of Daddy when that happens.”

NYPD officers were hesitant to do anything to help millions of panicked New Yorkers.

“This really is an interesting situation we have here,” reported veteran officer Devin Schwortzki. “You see, if he wasn’t white, we’d have just shot him the second we arrived on the scene. But not only is this guy white, he’s the freakin’ President! Honestly, I don’t know if I’m allowed to even tackle him; I’m pretty sure it’s illegal for me to even suggest it. Plus, I already voted for the man, so I feel a moral obligation to just back off and allow him to continue doing great work for this country.”

At press time, Trump’s daughter Ivanka arrived on the scene wearing a short skirt, distracting her father and luring him back to Trump Plaza.

Coward Hour Coil Exclusive: Tarp Time

Coward Hour is the least-informed podcast in America. Each week, leading cowards/disgraced comedians Brendan Krick & Nik Oldershaw spiral on mic, commit gaffes, and descend into conspiracy-laden mental illness. Trust your gut, and prepare for The Event.

New to the show? Listen to our “Best Of” episode.

The boys get Catholic. Brendan reads a harrowing script he wrote in high school. Nik remembers a bunch of times he did acid he forgot about.

Jeffrey Toobin Announces He Failed ‘No Nut November’

NEW YORK — New Yorker reporter Jeffrey Toobin announced on social media today that he failed the viral internet challenge to not ejaculate during the month of November after thinking about the presidential election occurring tonight.

“Is it my fault that the word ‘election is so close to the word ‘erection?’ God damn, just thinking about the electoral process gets me fuckin going,” Toobin said in an accidental Twitter livestream, thinking he was talking to himself. “It’s so unfair that the election happens so early during No Nut November each year. I just wanna live my damn life, but everywhere I look, I’m blasted in the face with sex. People telling me to vote, people posting thirst traps of their ‘I voted stickers,’ photos of long lines at polling locations. I mean, that’s like basically bragging about being in an orgy.”

The New Yorker was quick to suspend Toobin again, essentially double-suspending him — which they explained didn’t double the effects of the suspension, but lengthened the time a bit.

“This fuckin’ guy, man… this fuckin’ guy,” said a representative from The New Yorker. “I mean it’s one thing to jack off in a Zoom meeting at work, because you’re thinking about the election. But why would he choose to participate in No Nut November? Why not just shut it down for a bit? And then he accidentally does a livestream? I’m starting to think we’re all playing a part in this guy’s weird public election fetish or some shit. I mean Jesus Fucking Christ. He’s definitely not coming back to the office for at least two more weeks.”

At press time, speculation that Toobin had been fired from The New Yorker arose after he accidentally updated his LinkedIn job status to a screenshot of him searching “hot Nate Silver map” on PornHub.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Guy Writing In “Waluigi” for President Doesn’t Actually Want Waluigi to Be President

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local voter Martin Frost does not actually want video game character Waluigi to be president, despite writing him in under “president” on his ballot today.

“I just think it’s funny to vote for Waluigi,” Frost explained to friends. “But do I think Waluigi would be a good president? Probably not. He and I don’t exactly share the same values — he’s greedy and vindictive — and I don’t even know what his policies are. Besides, I hate how much Trump golfs now, so I can’t even imagine how much Waluigi would play tennis, or go-kart, or party as president. Thankfully, he’s just a fictional video game character. Also I live in a deep blue state, so it’s pretty unlikely Waluigi would win — at least, according to FiveThirtyEight.”

“Plus,” Frost added, “Waluigi has never been accused of sexual assault, as far as I know.”

Despite it being incredibly unlikely that Joe Biden loses New York state, many of Frost’s friends are upset that he did not vote for Biden in the 2020 election.

“This election is just too important to mess around and not vote for Joe Biden,” said Frost’s friend Caitlyn Montgomery. “Obviously Biden will win New York, but we need to run up the score in case Trump fights it in the Supreme Court. Because I am 100% sure that, when it comes to that, SCOTUS will read the names of every single person who voted for Waluigi — and it’s going to be the deciding factor. Waluigi was created in the year 2000, and I voted for him in that presidential election. I have regretted it every single day since.”

At press time, those familiar with the situation reported that Frost had begun to regret his decision to vote for Waluigi, citing tightening polls, and wished that he had instead voted for Dry Bones.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

White Power March the Most Walking Militiaman Has Ever Done

LANSING, Mich. — Far-right protesters who descended on the Michigan Capitol today arrived several hours later than scheduled, due to a gross miscalculation of just how long it takes for a largely out-of-shape militia to walk three miles, exhausted sources report.

“The government is… trying… to take away our rights… and we’re out here to tell them… ‘No Way!’” militiaman Owen Sturgess, who, like many of his fellow militiamen have not stood or walked for any extended amount of time since they were 12, said between heavily labored breaths. “The constitution explicitly states… that if I don’t like somethin’, I get… to bring a gun outside. So we’re gonna march… just like God and the founding fathers… intended. Fuck, man… how far away is this Capitol building?”

The protests, which began months ago in response to Michigan’s mask mandate, quickly drew in support from several far-right militia groups, which many believe is due to their inability to stop complaining.

“I just… whew. Gimme a sec,” began Toledo, Ohio resident Dale Kelley, sweating profusely just three blocks into the march. “I just get so sick of these politicians trying to tell hard-working Americans how to live their lives. Somehow this is also about destroying the white race too, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. Shit, do we have to cross a real bridge too? Goddammit. My legs are on fire.”

Despite taking several breaks for Big Gulps and temporarily occupying the dining room of a local Carl’s Jr., the militia managed to reach the Capitol steps just before sundown, shouting several angry chants between exasperated coughs and gasps.

“We… have a voice, and we won’t… be silenced,” moaned a motionless William Berfy from a nearby patch of grass. “You’re gonna be seeing a lot more of… us… once we get out of the… hospital. Mark my words. Next time we’re gonna rent a bus, so we’ll see who’s laughing then. And you better stop calling us dorks, okay? It’s mean and we don’t like it!”

The next scheduled march has already been postponed as well due to exhaustion.

Fistfight in IHOP Parking Lot Closest Thing Metal Band Has Had to Practice in Months

WEST LAWN, Penn. — A violent altercation in an IHOP parking lot yesterday between members of doom-metal band Savage Agnes was the closest thing the group has had to rehearsing any of their songs since March, exhausted and bloodied sources confirmed.

“We’ve been taking social distancing pretty seriously, so of course we haven’t had band practice for quite a while. We’re all making sacrifices, but none of us were willing to up our Friday night parking lot beer sessions, pandemic or no,” said guitarist “Gory” Georgie Powajski while wrapping his bleeding knuckles in a dirty Iron Maiden T-shirt. “It felt damn good to put the same energy we usually bring to our music into a brawl. Also, if you see any loose teeth lying around on the ground, those are probably mine.”

IHOP patron David Nelson described how the fight escalated.

“I was going to town on my Grand Slam and I could see those long-haired folks through the window. They were all drinking and carrying on over there for a while,” recalled Nelson. “Then these kinda preppy-looking guys walked by, and one of them yelled something about a ‘Lemmy,’ I think. Then the skinny one started throwing empty beer cans at the others, and suddenly there was chaos. I will say, though, they really came together as a group to put a beat down on those preppy kids.”

Retired tour manager and metal expert Ron “Steel Trap” Gorham explained how isolation can affect a metalhead’s aggression level.

“Metal fans are pack animals. Even just a couple weeks without getting 86’d from a dive bar together or rocking out with a good group headbanging session can play havoc with a metalhead’s mental state,” Gorham said. “This can be mitigated by regularly playing shitty Metallica covers together, but without that outlet, a fight is inevitable. At least now they’ve gotten it out of their systems and can go back to getting hammered in diner parking lots just like they used to. At least for a week or two.”

Witnesses report the members of Savage Agnes engaged in an awkward group hug just before sending their drummer to buy another case of Coors.

Punk’s Dickhead Boss Wouldn’t Give Him Day Off to Vote If He Had Job, Was Registered

ATLANTA — Quasi-political punk Aaron Scovell convinced himself yesterday that, if he had a job and was registered, his theoretical “douchenozzle boss” wouldn’t let him off to vote in the 2020 Presidential election, sources tired of hearing him complain confirmed.

“The election is either today or tomorrow. There’s also an outside chance that it already happened. But I’m pretty sure I didn’t miss it,” said Scovell. “Obviously, I’m excited to vote, and I’m a huge supporter of… uh… the guy. The best one, that guy. But it makes me sick knowing that if I had a job, my boss would probably almost definitely not allow me to exercise my constitutional right. It’s typical of how the ruling class screws hypothetical working people in this country.”

Roommate Angelika Holman was getting ready for her night shift last night when Scovell hassled her about “rocking the vote.”

“Aaron asked me to join him in a labor strike Tuesday so that we could all go out to vote and then afterward get ‘ripped to the gills watching the results,’” said Holman. “I decided it wasn’t worth explaining that you can’t strike when you haven’t had a job since Obama’s first term. Instead, I said that my boss is giving me an extra long lunch break to vote… at which point, he called me a sellout and asked if he could borrow $40 for a pair of nunchucks he saw on eBay.”

Scovell’s last known place of employment, a FedEx shipping center, was contacted for insight.

“Aaron was only here for about a week: he showed up to training reeking of gin, obviously hungover, and asking if we could float him his paycheck early,” said shift supervisor Gregory Lynn. “I knew he was trouble when, during his interview, he told me his goal in life was to find a slippery floor at a WalMart that didn’t already have a ‘wet floor’ sign. And after he was fired, he tried stealing a bunch of bubble wrap. I have no idea what he would have used it for.”

Scovell was last seen standing listlessly outside of his local polling place after learning not only is he not registered to vote, he technically does not live in Georgia.

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