Joshualevinson, Author at HARDTIMES

How Many Unarmed People Do I Have To Kill To Get Some Paid Time Off?

Posted on May 11, 2021 by Kevin Tit

I’ve been with the department for eight years now, and every request I’ve put in for leave has been denied. People don’t understand how exhausting this job can be, week after week. It can really take a toll. Well, I’m in desperate need of a vacation and after all these years of loyal service I just have to ask: How many more unarmed people do I need to kill before I get some gosh darn time off?!

It’s getting ridiculous. After the first one, I was sure I was finally getting my vacation. Mentally, I was already on the beach. But when that didn’t happen, I knew I’d have to take it up a notch. So last week I was called out to a private residence to do a wellness check. I thought “This is perfect! Cops kill people during wellness checks all the time! It’s basically part of a wellness check at this point.” And sure enough, when I got there I was met by a probably hostile 16-year-old waving either a knife or a white flag. Shot ’em dead in their doorway without announcing myself. Classic. I was so sure this was going to be my one-way ticket to a relaxing Florida vacation. Turns out, the shooting was ruled as a justified act of self-defense. If I had known this would happen, I’d have just used my taser.

Fast forward a few weeks to when I was part of a task force executing a search warrant for a suspected drug dealer. I saw someone asleep on the couch and thought, “No way this is legal,” and shot them dead right then and there. Against all odds, that blatant execution was ruled justified by the department. No consequences. I’m right back on patrol as if nothing ever happened! This damn liberal justice system. Thanks, Biden.

What a thankless job I have. I just keep terrorizing people hoping it’ll give me the long-overdue break I need, yet I get nothing. I don’t want any more free haircuts. I don’t want any more praise. I just want some fucking paid time off, and I will literally kill for it. Or for any other reason.

Punk More Merch Than Man at This Point

Posted on May 11, 2021 by John Dixon

ST. PAUL, Minn. — Local punk and avid merch buyer Ben Riley officially crossed the line from human being to sentient merch booth with the purchase of his latest tank top, according to sources.

“I’ve always loved collecting merch. The more absurd, the better,” Riley said from his veritable rat’s nest of band tees while wearing seven assorted beanies and snapbacks on his head. “When I got tired of shirts and hoodies, I branched out to stuff like watches and grinders and sunglasses. Supporting the scene is so important, especially after a year like last year, so it’s a win/win. My friend’s band knows how much I love them, so they even made Chucks with their name puffy painted on them just for me, which I feel was $250 well spent.”

Riley’s friends expressed a wide range of reactions to his gradual merchandise ascendancy, from awe to pure confusion and sometimes both at once.

“I mean obviously the sheer volume of merch is impressive on its own, but the range of items and how much shit he manages to wear at once is really impressive,” said Becca Mady. “But at the same time it’s like, how does he afford this merch? And why does he feel the need to flex nine different bands with conflicting aesthetics all at once? It doesn’t even look good — more like a ghillie suit designed to hide in my ex’s room. Also, I have yet to see him buy a single record, 7-inch, or even a tape.”

Riley’s achievements did not go unnoticed by corporate merch sellers who find him integral to their business, according to MerchNow marketing coordinator Burt Evans.

“Customers such as Mr. Riley are, to borrow a term from gaming, a whale: a huge spender you want to hook and reel in,” Evans said. “In fact, we specifically cultivate these kinds of spenders with limited merch capsules and bundles. It’s a symbiotic relationship, like those birds that clean crocodiles’ teeth. Honestly though, the type of person who’s buying a local band’s $45 hoodie will buy literally anything — a band could slap their logo on a torture device and they’d buy seven, so we don’t go overboard. We’re not trying to reinvent the wheel, here.”

At press time, Riley was seen signing for a pallet of band tees, which he intended to layer one atop the other to maximize his merch per square inch.

Photo by Seth Brooks.

Alarming New Study Finds I’m The Only One in This House That Knows How to Refill the Goddamn Brita Filter

Posted on May 10, 2021 by Patrick Coyne

BALLARD RESIDENCE — A disturbing and highly scientific new study has found that I, Gary Ballard, the extremely parched breadwinner that works too damn hard to put up with this bullshit, is apparently the only one in this entire house capable of refilling the goddamn Brita filter.

“Oh…yeah. Sorry, Dad. Were you, like, thirsty or something?” said my good for nothing daughter strolling into the house two hours past curfew. “I was in a hurry because I was going to meet [her loser, crumb bum boyfriend] Issac at the movies and needed to fill up my thermos. I’m trying to drink my eight cups of water a day. By the way, the car needs gas.”

Goldbricking son and young man that doesn’t know the value of a dollar Chase Ballard seemed entirely perplexed as to how the water in the Brita filter is even replenished in the first place.

“The water’s just always full, you know? I guess I never really thought about who does it. Not sure why Dad’s got a stick up his butt about no one else ever refilling it. I mean, how hard can it be? Seriously, I’m asking, as I’ve never done it before,” said my son, who needs to get his act together and turn down that god awful music before I have a conniption. “Either way, it’s always nice to have a big glass of water after a long run, or if I’m high and got some killer cottonmouth.”

Fellow dad and scientist Dr. Herbert Washington confirmed that this phenomenon of chore blindness among ungrateful kids is not limited to water filters.

“As a father and medical professional who has studied the subject for over three decades, it is my highly scientific opinion that 100 percent of kids these days are a bunch of useless turds,” explained the astute and knowledgeable Dr. Washington over a beer in my garage. “Is it really so much for them to get out of bed before 9 a.m. on a Saturday and drive their mother to the bank? Hell in a handbasket, this whole freaking country.”

In a related study, research has confirmed that I am flesh and blood and not made out of money, so stop trying to heat the whole neighborhood and shut that goddamn door already.

White Guy Cut Off in Traffic Destined to Have Mugshot on News

Posted on May 10, 2021 by Nick Ortolani

DALLAS — Local white man Darrell Hargrove raised alarm bells yesterday after a traffic incident led experts to believe his mugshot may soon appear on national news broadcasts, sources monitoring the situation confirmed.

“A man can only take so much injustice,” expounded Hargrove from the cab of his brand new Chevy Silverado. “This whole fucking system is rigged against guys like me. First my boss gives me a warning about using ‘racially insensitive’ language, and now this? That fucking guy didn’t even notice me when he cut me off. Well, people are gonna notice me… one day. I may not have the best self control or decision making skills, but I have something better: disposable income, the Second Amendment, and a shit load of free time.”

Those close with Hargrove believe his 15 minutes of fame may be just around the corner.

“I always knew he was going places,” admitted lifelong friend Marshall Buckman. “I just really wish that place was an anger management class. When we were kids, I watched him hang the chess club captain from the goal posts by his underwear, and you’d think he was trying to destabilize a South American nation with his gun collection. I guess I’m happy he’s my friend… though I’m a little nervous that he knows where I live. I’m just going to make sure I spend some extra time in my fallout shelter until this blows over.”

Experts noted a recent dramatic increase in incidents involving white men “forced” into unspeakable acts by mild inconveniences.

“We call it ‘Batman Syndrome,’ when a man violently lashes out at the most vulnerable members of society instead of confronting their emotions surrounding trauma — such as the death of a relative, or being cut in line at McDonalds,” explained criminal psychologist Dr. Jane Sanchez. “Many people don’t have Bruce Wayne’s money, but most have $800 and live in a state with no background checks. The condition is typically harmless for the carrier, but beware if you’re a nearby person of color, or any kind of woman.”

At press time, media outlets were scrambling to prepare after learning Hargrove had received a speeding ticket.

Opinion: It’s Been 5 Years and No One Else Called It: I’m Prince Now

Posted on May 10, 2021 by Dan Rice

As I write this proclamation, it’s been seven hours, 15 days and 5 years since the passing of The Purple One. While the legacy of his reign will no doubt echo across the cultural landscape for decades to come, the fact remains that in all that time not one person has made a claim to the Raspberry Beret, and I say enough is enough. No one else is going to step up and fill his surprisingly small shoes? Fine. Everybody, I’m Prince now.

Prince was more than a musician. He was a walking sovereign entity, a one-man monarchy ruling over all things sexual and funky with a velvet fist. People die, but thrones do not. Prince is dead, long live Prince!

Let’s address the elephant in the room right away. I don’t want to hear any stink about “cultural appropriation.” Prince transcends race, and if there were even a whisper of a person of color making a move for the throne, I would have backed down immediately. I’m pretty surprised it’s come to this. To be honest, I’m just as weirded out by the idea of white Prince as you are, but it’s been half a decade, and the borders of freakiness remain unguarded.

My qualifications speak for themselves:
– In high school my intramural Ultimate Frisbee team was called Sign o’ the Times.
– I think the Batman soundtrack is criminally underrated, and after months of lobbying convinced my friends to give me the nickname “Party Man.”
– I’m good at heavily implying but never quite confirming I’ve done guy/guy stuff.

My purple reign will officially begin after I ride my motorcycle to Minnesota, where I will purify myself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka. Then, after a tasteful love scene with Appollonia Kotero, I’ll make a cameo on an episode of “The New Girl” for some reason. After that, I will put my estate in order, pulling all of my music from Spotify and locking my unreleased recordings back into the vault. From there I will mostly just experiment with chem-sex in my mansion.

Transitions of power are difficult, and I ask for your patience in this trying time. To be fair, I am inheriting a plethora of problems the original Prince never had to deal with: Covid-19, economic chaos, an endless war with Morris Day. While I do not blame my predecessor for these issues, it cannot be denied that five years without a Prince has made the world considerably harder to manage. Also, the Morris Day thing was sort of his fault. Regardless, I don’t want to cause you any sorrow. I don’t want to cause you any pain. I promise that with your love, your support, your extra time and your Kiss, I will become the Prince you deserve.

Oh, and someone needs to teach me how to do music.

Friend’s New Band Undeniably a Group Of People Playing Instruments

Posted on May 10, 2021 by Kendra Mosenson

CHICAGO — Local electro-punk-ska band, 25/7, is undeniably a group of people using instruments on a stage, that’s for sure, tolerant showgoers reported.

“As I watched I was like, ‘OK, yeah, there are definitely six of them up there. And far be it from me to say they aren’t holding a variety of instruments,’” said frontman Rod Mulroney’s freshman year roommate, Olivia Pace. “We haven’t talked in years, but I saw him promoting the show on Instagram for two months and all of my other plans fell through, so I figured I’d give it a shot. And after seeing their performance I can confidently say that it was two hours long, and that is a fact.”

25/7’s drummer/harpist, Charlie Costa, has high hopes for the band’s future.

“We’re new, but I think we show a lot of promise. Right now our top song is ‘Hit the Bricks (But Don’t Bruise Your Hand While Doing So (Safety Is Really Important))’ and we’re all hoping that it’ll be what puts us on the map,” said Costa as she packed up the band’s sixteen amps. “After every show, friends come up to us and say things like, ‘You guys were up there!’ and, ‘They sold out of earplugs immediately!’ so I feel really good about where we are right now.”

Mulroney’s best friend, Dan Learner, explained that he wants the best for the band.

“I want them to know they have fans, so I make sure to stand up front at every show, which usually isn’t hard because there’s rarely more than three people on the floor,” said Learner. “Watching them be six people, all of whom are holding differently shaped pieces of plastic and sometimes metal or wood that a variety of sounds come out of, is pretty inspiring stuff. They were definitely here tonight, can’t argue with that.”

At press time, friends of the band were overheard describing the group as “really good people, honestly, just the nicest dudes.”

Mother of Liberal Arts Student Mentally Preparing Self For Yet Another Mother’s Day Poem

Posted on May 9, 2021 by James Knapp

FROSTBURG, Md. — Local mom Beverly Hurd, whose son graduated with a creative writing degree more than a decade ago, is repeating her annual routine of practiced enthusiasm for her adult child’s latest Mother’s Day writing project, proud but not that proud sources confirmed.

“I go through this every year. My college graduate son gives me a very heartfelt poem he wrote about how much he loves me, right before explaining how yet another job interview fell through,” said Hurd. “I know it’s very sweet that he wants to give me a present and he’s just working with what he has, but a present I’d really like is if he paid me back any of the hundred grand I spent so that he could fuck around reading Kerouac for four years. Then the ‘World’s Best Mom’ poem he wrote for me a few years ago might actually be accurate, and also completely unnecessary.”

Mrs. Hurd’s special little man, Anthony, detailed his poetic process.

“Every year I write my mom a poem, and every year she thinks it’s the best. But this year is definitely gonna be the best ever,” said the young Hurd while inexplicably rhyming “I love you, mom” with “you’re the bomb!” “I know that I really don’t have a lot to offer as a son, so I really have to keep on top of my game as a poet.”

Ronald Hurd, patriarch of the Hurd family, expressed his complete disinterest with the Mother’s Day poem tradition.

“Every year [Beverly] works herself into some kind of state over this poem that the boy writes, and I just don’t get it. I never get any poems, so what’s the big deal?” explained Mr. Hurd while studiously observing all traffic laws. “Obviously I love them both and they’re just doing their best, but until the Father’s Day comes where I don’t get gifted a tie that was clearly shoplifted, no amount of student debt could make me interested in this nonsense.”

When reached for comment, representatives from Anthony Hurd’s university requested that the name of their college not appear in this article.

Man Dreading First Mother’s Day Since Losing Mom To QAnon

Posted on May 9, 2021 by Sari Beliak

PHOENIX — Anticipating a difficult day for himself and his siblings, local man Lucas Ruddy was reportedly dreading his first Mother’s Day since losing his mother to QAnon, sources close to Ruddy confirmed.

“My siblings will probably come over and we’ll do something low-key together to get through the day, but I know it’s gonna be a struggle because it’s barely been a year since losing Mom to Q,” said Ruddy. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for everyone who’s lucky enough to spend the day with their mom without hearing long-winded rants about child sex-trafficking rings and the deep state, but it’s a tough day for so many of us.”

“I’d give anything to be able to pick up the phone and talk to her again, but I know that’s not possible because she’ll just start shouting about George Soros or nanobots or whatever the fuck. Plus, she won’t talk on the phone anymore because she’s afraid of 5G,” he added.

Ruddy’s sister Amanda Pasley said she planned to hang out with her brothers and help each other get through the holiday.

“I’m aiming to stay off social media today because I know it’s going to be too painful seeing all of Mom’s posts about Q drops and the hoax virus,” said Pasley. “I hope Mom knew how much we all loved her before she fell down the rabbit hole of QAnon ramblings. I’m just glad she’s no longer making us suffer by sharing anti-Semitic memes and YouTube videos about chemtrails. Today is a good reminder to cherish the time you have with your loved ones, because you never know when they’re gonna get sucked into some bullshit conspiracy theory message board.”

For others who may be experiencing loss this holiday, experts recommend reaching out to friends and family who can offer support.

“It may be helpful to log off for a few days, and if possible, see if you can get your mom to do the same,” said grief counselor Milana Amares. “The holidays will never be the same once you’ve lost a loved one to an extremist cult, but it will get easier over time. Remember that you’re not alone. Tons of bored idiots fell for that nonsense.”

Despite the pain surrounding the day, Ruddy hoped being with family would alleviate some of the sadness surrounding the fact that his kids will never know their grandmother, as he won’t allow her around them.

Opinion: I’m Not Mad or Disappointed. I Just Plain Don’t Like My Kid

Posted on May 9, 2021 by James Knapp

Alright, so I know I’m probably gonna get some pushback on this and, honestly, I get it. I know my kid is supposed to be the apple of my eye, perfect, unconditionally, no matter what they do. But the more I get to know him, I realize I just can’t escape it: my kid sucks.

It’s not like he’s a bad kid or anything. He doesn’t get in trouble at school or fuck with my old baseball trophies or anything. Really he’s just kind of a drag to be around.

I mean, I’ve tried to get along with the boy. A while ago I signed him up for Webelos and he took to it like a fish to water. Then I remembered that I hate camping, going to meetings, and that merit badges look pretty stupid, so I pulled him out real fast after that.

Now, I’m not some emotionless golem. I still love my kid. Well, maybe love is a strong word. Let’s just say I can see he probably has positive qualities… to other people… at a distance.

Look, the kid is a dull goon, and I’d like to see you find something in common with him.

I think if I really had to pinpoint something about him that sucks the most, it’s that he’s just kind of a know-it-all. Like the time I stole all that chemistry equipment and he kept hassling me about how the cops were already outside. They were, but I’m pretty sure he called them, or maybe they just tracked down that bookmobile I stole. Either way, he had a real attitude about it.

I don’t want to dislike my kid. I’d rather just be mad at him all the time. But at this point, there isn’t much I can do.

So next week I’m taking the boy to Vegas to see if anything out there can spark some modicum of interest in this child for me. If it doesn’t, I’ll just leave him in the desert. It’s probably best for both of us.

Mother’s Day Cameo from Bret the Hitman Hart Goes Underappreciated

Posted on May 9, 2021 by Dan Luberto

MADISON, Wis. — Local mom Helen Dupree is reportedly torn between feelings of disappointment, dejection and confusion after her son gifted her a Cameo message from wrestling legend Bret “The Hitman” Hart, sources close to the matriarch confirmed.

“I certainly appreciate that he actually remembered Mother’s Day this year, even though he said this counts for my birthday next month, too,” said Dupree. “My son’s a good boy and I love when he shares his interests with me, but I’ve never even heard of this Hitman. The guy seemed really agitated and sort of sweaty. He went on and on about how Vince McMahon is a scumbag and talked about Calgary wrestling history for about 30 minutes. I would have preferred just a card or flowers from Food Lion.”

Cameo, a service that allows fans to send messages through celebrities for a fee, has exploded in popularity in recent months, although this was son Matthew Dupree’s first time using it.

“This is the single greatest gift of all time,” said the younger Dupree. “Bret is one of the greatest technicians to ever step foot into the ring! I almost got her a message from New Jack but, come on, this is my mom we’re talking about. She deserves the best. I would have killed for something like this for my birthday but all my parents did was buy me a PS5, which is great, but didn’t exactly make history giving Stone Cold the Sharpshooter at Wrestlemania 13.”

WWE Hall of Famer Bret Hart admitted to feeling a sneaking suspicion that the gift wasn’t entirely for the benefit of the supportive mother.

“I definitely raised an eyebrow when I saw this come in as a ‘Mother’s Day Request’ but I figured maybe the kid’s mom had a crush on me in the ‘80s or something, and who am I to judge? I thought it’d be a nice change of pace from the usual marks in this app,” said the five-time WWE World Champion. “Once I saw a bunch of questions about the Montreal Screwjob and some invasive questions about my brother’s tragic death followed by ‘Can you also cut a promo on my boy Steve?’ I immediately felt bad for contributing to what I’m sure was a shitty Mother’s Day for her. I did my best to liven it up, but this isn’t really my thing.”

At press time, Mrs. Dupree’s husband Frank Dupree was hiding his intended gift: a Cameo from Roger Clemens discussing the finer details of the 2000 Subway Series broken bat incident with Mike Piazza.

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News