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How Many Unarmed People Do I Have To Kill To Get Some Paid Time Off?

I’ve been with the department for eight years now, and every request I’ve put in for leave has been denied. People don’t understand how exhausting this job can be, week after week. It can really take a toll. Well, I’m in desperate need of a vacation and after all these years of loyal service I just have to ask: How many more unarmed people do I need to kill before I get some gosh darn time off?!

It’s getting ridiculous. After the first one, I was sure I was finally getting my vacation. Mentally, I was already on the beach. But when that didn’t happen, I knew I’d have to take it up a notch. So last week I was called out to a private residence to do a wellness check. I thought “This is perfect! Cops kill people during wellness checks all the time! It’s basically part of a wellness check at this point.” And sure enough, when I got there I was met by a probably hostile 16-year-old waving either a knife or a white flag. Shot ’em dead in their doorway without announcing myself. Classic. I was so sure this was going to be my one-way ticket to a relaxing Florida vacation. Turns out, the shooting was ruled as a justified act of self-defense. If I had known this would happen, I’d have just used my taser.

Fast forward a few weeks to when I was part of a task force executing a search warrant for a suspected drug dealer. I saw someone asleep on the couch and thought, “No way this is legal,” and shot them dead right then and there. Against all odds, that blatant execution was ruled justified by the department. No consequences. I’m right back on patrol as if nothing ever happened! This damn liberal justice system. Thanks, Biden.

What a thankless job I have. I just keep terrorizing people hoping it’ll give me the long-overdue break I need, yet I get nothing. I don’t want any more free haircuts. I don’t want any more praise. I just want some fucking paid time off, and I will literally kill for it. Or for any other reason.