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Alarming New Study Finds I’m The Only One in This House That Knows How to Refill the Goddamn Brita Filter

BALLARD RESIDENCE — A disturbing and highly scientific new study has found that I, Gary Ballard, the extremely parched breadwinner that works too damn hard to put up with this bullshit, is apparently the only one in this entire house capable of refilling the goddamn Brita filter.

“Oh…yeah. Sorry, Dad. Were you, like, thirsty or something?” said my good for nothing daughter strolling into the house two hours past curfew. “I was in a hurry because I was going to meet [her loser, crumb bum boyfriend] Issac at the movies and needed to fill up my thermos. I’m trying to drink my eight cups of water a day. By the way, the car needs gas.”

Goldbricking son and young man that doesn’t know the value of a dollar Chase Ballard seemed entirely perplexed as to how the water in the Brita filter is even replenished in the first place.

“The water’s just always full, you know? I guess I never really thought about who does it. Not sure why Dad’s got a stick up his butt about no one else ever refilling it. I mean, how hard can it be? Seriously, I’m asking, as I’ve never done it before,” said my son, who needs to get his act together and turn down that god awful music before I have a conniption. “Either way, it’s always nice to have a big glass of water after a long run, or if I’m high and got some killer cottonmouth.”

Fellow dad and scientist Dr. Herbert Washington confirmed that this phenomenon of chore blindness among ungrateful kids is not limited to water filters.

“As a father and medical professional who has studied the subject for over three decades, it is my highly scientific opinion that 100 percent of kids these days are a bunch of useless turds,” explained the astute and knowledgeable Dr. Washington over a beer in my garage. “Is it really so much for them to get out of bed before 9 a.m. on a Saturday and drive their mother to the bank? Hell in a handbasket, this whole freaking country.”

In a related study, research has confirmed that I am flesh and blood and not made out of money, so stop trying to heat the whole neighborhood and shut that goddamn door already.