Joshualevinson, Author at HARDTIMES

Tinder Bot Refuses To Spam Anyone Under Six Feet

Posted on May 13, 2021 by Constantine Platanias

CHICAGO — Local Tinder bot Jennifer, 29, whose existence centers on driving lonely men to fraudulent dating sites, organically stopped spamming anyone under six feet tall, mildly insulted sources confirmed.

“I’m not really sure how this happened. She’s supposed to engage with everyone in order to gain access to the most bank accounts possible, regardless of their height or how many countries they’ve visited,” said Lloyd Fowler, Jennifer’s coder and experienced scam artist operating out of Evanston, Illinois. “Maybe she’s mimicking other profiles she sees? That would explain why she keeps adding different quotes from ‘New Girl’ to her bio. I’m not sure what to do. She’s out of control.”

The AI’s rigid new spamming standards have left some users feeling insulted and insecure.

“I rarely match with real women, so it’s nice when a bot shows genuine interest, even if she is just after my social security number,” said Tinder Platinum user Troy Dotson, who matched with Jennifer last week. “But Jennifer just asked how tall I was and then told me I was too short to enter her website. Why should that matter? Is it because tall people make more money? My credit card works just as well as any man’s, and my limit is huge.”

Others are more supportive of Jennifer’s decision to limit her dating pool based on height, arguing it merely reflects the algorithm’s high self-esteem.

“Everyone is entitled to their preferences, even computer programs designed to trick people into giving away their personal information. Personally, I love a woman who knows what she wants,” said 6’1” user Tristan Brown, another one of Jennifer’s matches. “We chatted for a couple of hours before heading back to her website. Then she showed me some private pictures that nobody else has seen. I didn’t come here looking for anything serious, but I think I’m falling for her.”

At press time, Brown had reached out to Jennifer to let her know that his computer has a virus and that she should probably get tested.

Opinion: I Back the Blue but Also Conveniently Don’t See Color

Posted on May 13, 2021 by Bobby Korec

Listen up, buttercup. In this house, we always back the blue. We support the boys in blue and we know blue lives matter. This is a blue house! Blue, blue, blue! Except when voting. But don’t let that fool you. I don’t see color whatsoever.

That’s right. Black, white, or purple. I don’t care what color you are. Unless of course, you’re blue. Then I suddenly care and conveniently acknowledge that you’re being mistreated by the mainstream media. Besides that, we’re all just humans who bleed the same color, which just so happens to be red. But I cannot stress enough that red is also one of the colors I don’t see.

I also want to clarify that when I say “blues lives matter,” I’m talking specifically about cops, and I want to be clear that I don’t mean all people who wear blue uniforms in general. Best Buy employees, mail carriers, the New York Mets — all lives which do not matter. I guess I’m saying all colors’ lives matter equally, just some colors more equally than others.

That sounds kind of racist-y now that I think about it, but let’s not unpack that. Wouldn’t want to contradict my lifelong beliefs this late in the game. Especially since every shirt in my wardrobe has an American flag on it. These colors I don’t see don’t run.

Anyway, as a white guy, I say the best way to deal with racism is to not talk about it at all. What works best for me is to just pretend racism doesn’t exist against all evidence otherwise. The way I see it, if it doesn’t affect you personally, then it’s probably nothing to worry about. Try ignoring racism and see how that goes. That’s what’s been working for people like me!

Aging Punk Ordered to Inform Neighbors He is a Registered Poser

Posted on May 13, 2021 by Ben Friedman

LOS ANGELES — Aging punk Mike Cruz was ordered by the Council of Punk Legitimacy to inform his neighbors that he is a registered poser in an effort to promote community safety and transparency, residents in Cruz’s Boyle Heights neighborhood confirmed.

“This is a massive misunderstanding. I thought I was meeting this girl who said she was GG Allin’s niece. I made the mistake of meeting her at an Applebee’s and as soon as I saw her wearing an MxPx shirt, I got the hell out of there. Unfortunately for me, a guy who plays bass in Diaper Baby was dumpster diving out back and saw me. Next thing I know I have the whole scene up my ass,” said the former credible punk. “They let me stay in town, but only if I go door to door and tell my neighbors that I call all live music ‘concerts,’ and that I like microbrews and Nancy Pelosi. This is bullshit.”

The local Council of Punk Legitimacy, which acts as a neighborhood watch for the scene, knew swift action was required to ensure the integrity and safety of their venues and hangouts.

“To think we had a poser living among us for so long makes me sick. Naturally we launched an investigation, and found he was keeping a lot of dirty secrets: an Associate’s Degree in Communications, active healthcare through the state that wasn’t part of his parents’ plan, an AC/DC shirt from Target, and a goddamn Beto O’Rourke campaign pin,” said CPL leader June Mckenzie. “But since he technically didn’t break any actual laws, it’s not like we can kick him out. We came to an agreement that he can stay, so long as he informs everyone that he’s fucking lame, and a big red dot shows up on his apartment when you search the ‘Ian’s Law’ website.”

Residents of Boyle Heights were appalled that a poser was living in their midst, and had been in close contact with their children.

“I felt sick when Mike came to my door. But when I think back there were a few things that didn’t seem right, like the time I saw him smoking Newports instead of American Spirits. I thought he was desperate and bummed them from someone,” said neighbor Frank Longelli. “I let him tattoo my kid, for god’s sake. He probably learned how to do it off of Youtube and not in a shitty bathroom at a basement show, like a normal person.”

As of press time, Cruz was informed he is no longer allowed within 500 feet of any dive bar.

Devastated Man Discovers He’s Not The Only Customer Mechanic Calls ‘Big Guy’

Posted on May 12, 2021 by Literally A Koala

NEW HAVEN, Conn. — Local man and dedicated Al’s Automotive supporter Brian Crespi was shocked and devastated to learn that the mechanic he sees regularly calls nearly everyone else he sees “big guy,” sources report.

“I was in for my usual oil change and everything seemed totally normal,” Crespi explained of a routine maintenance appointment earlier this week. “When I was heading out, I heard my main man Al yell out to ‘take care, big guy,’ but when I turned around he was smiling and waving to some other asshole. I’ve been coming here every six months or 3,000 miles, whichever comes first, for the last five years. I thought we’d built something special, but apparently he’ll call anyone with a credit card and a set of car keys that. I feel so foolish.”

Fellow Al’s Automotive patrons report finding out that Al just talks like that to everyone in a similar manner.

“Al and I had a great afternoon together, where he did some work on my front end suspension and I read a Sports Illustrated from 2013 while I was in the waiting area. After, he said, ‘All set, big guy.’ But then some doof asked Al where the bathroom is, and Al said, ‘Down the hall and hook a left, big guy,’ right in front of me and everything,” recalled former Al’s Automotive customer who hasn’t been back since, Dennis Sturm. “Looking back, the signs were all there — I wear khakis six days a week, and physically, I’m actually quite small. I’m not ‘big guy’ material. Rejection always hurts, but I guess it’s better to learn where you stand with someone sooner rather than later.”

Al Gagliardo, the shop owner in question, defended his affectionate verbal style.

“I do my best to give each and every one of my clients the same time and attention they deserve,” Gagliardo stated. “But the fact of the matter is, I see a lot of champs, buddys, and amigos in my line of work, and if someone can’t accept that, that’s on them. Because Al’s got a lot of generic niceties to share, and he ain’t letting no one’s insecurities get in the way of that.”

At press time, a local woman was crushed after hearing her hairstylist refer to another client as a “boss bitch.”

Conservatives Ask if They Can Stop Listening to Ariel Pink Now

Posted on May 12, 2021 by Patrick Crooks

WASHINGTON — Prominent conservatives nationwide are beginning to inquire if they are still morally obligated to listen to Ariel Pink after the artist was spotted at the Capitol riot, confirmed multiple sources who believe the election was stolen.

“After learning that he stood up to stop the steal and was cancelled by the left, I went out and bought every Ariel Pink album. But, like my constituents, I’m wondering when we can turn this crap off,” remarked Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO.). “I’m not sure what exactly it is I’m listening to. It’s out-of-tune keyboards and some really wussy singing. I guess I can see why the libtards used to like this soy-boy shit. I wish this guy sounded a bit more like The Nuge, that’s for sure, but we have to show those SJW sheep what it’s like to be a free thinker by automatically liking anything they don’t, no matter how lame, confusing, or really fucking shitty it might be.”

The novelty of Pink’s prominence in the conservative world was explored by prominent libertarian and ephebophilia advocate Glenn Greenwald, who offered his unsolicited opinion.

“As anyone who has ever read my Twitter knows, under normal circumstances I would insult anyone who liked Ariel Pink,” an exasperated Greenwald stated. “But unfortunately for me and my legion of fans, we have to support him for as long as we can handle. We need to suffer through the worst, pandering, saccharine dreck so long as liberals hate it. We will only allow ourselves to stop listening to his ‘music’ once the PC police move on to someone new. And honestly, I hope that happens soon. This is garbage. I’m not sure who this crap is for.”

Ariel Pink, the trust funder and alleged domestic abuser, spoke out in support of his fans and music.

“After the Stop the Steal rally, I was in a very dark place. I was being unfairly canceled by my ‘fans’ and I had women making up extremely specific lies about sexual assault. I didn’t know what I was going to do,” said Pink while nodding off periodically. “Thankfully I found a legion of new fans that supported my art. I know I might not sound exactly like their other favorite bands, so it means a lot to me that they would still proudly play ‘Ku Klux Glam’ from their pickup trucks. I look forward to creating new music that they will be proud to call their own.”

Pink also announced he would be joining the conservative late-night talk show “Gutfield!” as band leader.

We Look Back on INXS Because the Belt Is Stuck Around My Neck and This Might Be It!

Posted on May 12, 2021 by Dan Rice

It’s been 24 years since the life of Michael Hutchence, lead singer of Australian pop phenomenon INXS, was tragically cut short, allegedly by an incident of auto-erotic asphyxiation gone wrong. Today, we look back on the music of INXS because son of a bitch I think I’m about to do the same fucking thing!

Like many Americans, I become intensely aroused by depriving my brain of oxygen. To facilitate this, I use a heavy duty leather belt with the word “DADDY” written across it in rhinestones. I like to fasten the belt around my neck just enough to significantly cut off my air supply while masturbating, but not quite tight enough to make me pass out, provided of course that I remove the belt within about 10 minutes or so, wherein lies the issue.

To make a long story short, the buckle is jammed, my door is locked from the inside because my landlord gives fuck-all about fire codes, and I don’t know if this is my brain dying or what but I cannot stop jamming out to INXS tunes! Let’s count down the top five, because I for sure do not have time for more!

5. New Sensation
The third single off 1987’s “Kick,” this hit cemented INXS as a presence on the American billboards, eventually reaching the no.3 spot. I’m experiencing quite a new sensation myself, as the knowledge that I will likely die soon has done little to quell my sexual arousal. I just wish I could take this song’s advice and “Live baby live!”

4. Need You Tonight
Hands down one of the sexiest pop hits of all time, and who among us can’t relate to the song’s theme of intense lustful fixation? I know exactly who I need tonight: Mistress Heather! She’s a sex worker friend of mine who acts as a sort of spotter in case exactly this sort of thing were to happen during one of my choke-play sessions. Unfortunately, she had to cancel at the last minute when her cat got sick, and I went ahead anyway.

What I would more than settle for tonight are my phone and/or keys, both of which are in my pants which, in my haste, I left in the other room before locking myself in here, so enjoy my last article!

3. Suicide Blonde
This one’s pretty on the nose — I have blonde hair, and my family is likely to have my death ruled as a suicide to avoid public embarrassment.

2. Don’t Change
I don’t really have a choke-sex tie-in for this one, it’s just a dope song. Seriously, ever heard it? Stop what you’re doing and listen to “Don’t Change” by INXS.

1. Never tear us apart
I’m not sure who wrote this INXS classic but I am sure they didn’t write it about a belt. I would give anything to tear this thing apart from my rapidly swelling neck.

Tearfully Screaming Chorus of Bright Eyes Song Interrupted by GPS

Posted on May 12, 2021 by Heather Cook

LAUREL, Md. — Local emotional person Cara Lucas was interrupted while crying and shouting along to the chorus of Bright Eyes song “Poison Oak” by her GPS’s instructions to turn left in three hundred feet, concerned sources confirmed.

“All I wanted was to beat my fist to my chest while I poured my heart out to my favorite sad boy anthem, but Google Maps left me high and dry,” said Lucas while struggling to talk over her GPS giving directions to take the first turn off an upcoming roundabout. “I backtracked the song four times, and every damn time the most cathartic moment was wrecked by my phone’s disruptions. I mean, should I even bother playing ‘Mariana Trench’ knowing my exit is coming up?”

Lucas’s best friend, Eva Smith, has been a passenger-side witness to the emotionally unsatisfying disruptions of the navigation app in the past.

“Look, I understand the need to sob along to satisfyingly depressing songs as much as the next emo kid, but what I don’t understand is why she needs to use the GPS to get to a 7-Eleven that’s six minutes from her house,” said Smith. “She would totally reduce the amount of annoying interruptions during her panic attacks if she just memorized the way; it’s literally two turns. Her sad midnight drives to get taquitos would be way more cinematic if the GPS wasn’t offering a faster route every ten seconds.”

According to Dr. Maria Marino, a professional researcher in transit technology at Google, this kind of pattern in Google Maps is intentional.

“Our app uses advanced AI technology to sense when the driver is deeply invested in whatever they’re listening to,” said Marino. “We keep the roads safe by not letting drivers get too carried away. Our GPS will interrupt influencers singing along to The Lumineers on road trips, the most intense moments of true crime podcasts, and the deepest lyrics of any early 2000’s emo song. You want to weep along to ‘Land Locked Blues’? Well, good luck making it to that sick trumpet interlude without a road work warning from us.”

When asked if she had any plans to decrease her usage of Google Maps, Lucas was continuously interrupted by her phone’s Instagram notifications each time she attempted to reply.

We Rank These Gatorades Because We Are so Fucking Hungover

Posted on May 11, 2021 by Nathan Kamal

Ugh. Give us a second. Just a second. Our fucking head. This fucking sucks. Why did we think it would be a good idea to chase that rum and coke with a banana daiquiri and a keg of Natty Daddy? Whatever. We can plow through this. Time to reemerge, reborn like the phoenix of functional alcoholism, and give you our definitive ranking of Gatorade flav- oh fuck, we’re gonna puke. Wait, nope. Okay, phew.

Look, we’re just gonna rank these Gatorades and call it. Good? Cool. Fuck.

Riptide Rush – It was probably a mistake to start with this one because it doesn’t even sound like a real flavor. Even by Gatorade’s standards, this sounds more like a cause of death than something that “revitalizes electrolytes to the max,” as advertised on the bottle. Wait a minute. Now that we taste it, it is pretty refreshing. It kind of reminds us of the bathtub jungle juice from last night. Oh shit. Shit. We’re definitely going to puke.

Glacier Cherry – This one isn’t so bad. Definitely cleanses the palate. It’s a soothing ice-white color, and it’s nice and cool on our inflamed esophagus. Actually, we’re just going to rub the bottle on our face for a while. Yeah, that feels good. That feels real good. It’s just as cold as the gin and tonic flight we had between shots of fireball. Oh god. Pass us a hat. We’re going to spew again.

Fruit Punch – This one is really basic, but that’s okay. It doesn’t taste all that different from literally any other fruit punch in the world, but it doesn’t have to. It just has to stay in our stomach long enough to keep us from dying of dehydration. And it’s doing that right now. Fuck. I shouldn’t have said that. Here comes the malt liquor!

Pedialyte Lemon Lime – Yeah, yeah. This is cheating. We know. But all that Gatorade is not helping the single worst hangover we’ve ever had. It’s almost like its main ingredient is something that dehydrates you. Anyway, we hear Pedialyte is really good for you. It basically tasted like thick lemon water. Must be all that potassium. You know what also has a lot of potassium? Bananas. Which reminds us of last night when we put on that episode of “Full House” where The Beach Boys show up and we all put on Hawaiian shirts and blended up so many daiquiris that we’re about to blow chunks of right this second.

Unlabelled Bottle from the Fridge – FUCK. There’s a cigarette in this one! Who put this in here? What kind of fucking prank is this? It touched our mouth a little when we drank it! …oh no. Oh no. Please no. Not again.

Okay, we’re calling it. There are like 23 more flavors of Gatorade, but we just need to lie down. We’re gonna take a long nap and then get back to you. Maybe we’ll try whatever “Gatorade Flow” is. Just never let us drink like that again. Fuck.

Jaw Unhinged Like Fucking Python in Order to Take Bite of Freakishly Tall, Expensive Gourmet Burger

Posted on May 11, 2021 by Zac Lux

CHICAGO — Local man and self-proclaimed foodie Harry Blanks unhinged his jaw like a Burmese Python in order to take a bite of the coveted “Cuddledeth Burger” at Burger Bizarre, grossed out witnesses confirm.

“Totally worth it,” Blanks stated, struggling to harness his mouth’s ability to pronounce the words. “I’ve heard about the Cuddledeth Burger for a while. I knew it was going to be a feat, so I started doing two-a-days of jaw flexor exercises a few months ago to prepare. I also took on another job in order to afford it. Thankfully, by the time my spot on the waitlist opened up, I had a few hundred in the bank and was able to flex my jaw up to a foot and a half. I was finally ready.”

Blanks’ friends have grown concerned with his continued determination to conquer the menu of burgers.

“It’s kind of a nice conversation starter when I tell people I know someone who literally dislocated their jaw eating a sandwich, but this is too much,” said close friend, Hallie Corbett. “He couldn’t even chew that thing. His body just turned into one giant muscle and like, squeezed the nutrients out of it over the course of nine hours. He’s been to the E.R. no less than six times to pop his jawbone back in place, and he has exactly zero shirts that aren’t covered in grease, caramelized onion stains, aioli, and blood. Not to mention the effects on his body after ingesting so much meat and brioche.”

Burger Bizarre chef and owner Ben Anderson has yielded nothing but a positive gain over obsession with the burgers.

“People seem to love taking pictures with these damn things, so I just plan to keep making them bigger and more expensive,” said Anderson. “I really just want to see how far we can go by stacking leftover ingredients over and over. You toss a handful of fried onions and some moldy goat cheese on top of a wholesale meat-patty from Costco, slather it with honey and name it after a band that’s touring through town, and these suckers can’t get enough of it. They’ll lap it up for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.”

At press time, Blanks’ body had exploded after attempting to eat one french fry.

Zac Lux

How Many Unarmed People Do I Have To Kill To Get Some Paid Time Off?

Posted on May 11, 2021 by Kevin Tit

I’ve been with the department for eight years now, and every request I’ve put in for leave has been denied. People don’t understand how exhausting this job can be, week after week. It can really take a toll. Well, I’m in desperate need of a vacation and after all these years of loyal service I just have to ask: How many more unarmed people do I need to kill before I get some gosh darn time off?!

It’s getting ridiculous. After the first one, I was sure I was finally getting my vacation. Mentally, I was already on the beach. But when that didn’t happen, I knew I’d have to take it up a notch. So last week I was called out to a private residence to do a wellness check. I thought “This is perfect! Cops kill people during wellness checks all the time! It’s basically part of a wellness check at this point.” And sure enough, when I got there I was met by a probably hostile 16-year-old waving either a knife or a white flag. Shot ’em dead in their doorway without announcing myself. Classic. I was so sure this was going to be my one-way ticket to a relaxing Florida vacation. Turns out, the shooting was ruled as a justified act of self-defense. If I had known this would happen, I’d have just used my taser.

Fast forward a few weeks to when I was part of a task force executing a search warrant for a suspected drug dealer. I saw someone asleep on the couch and thought, “No way this is legal,” and shot them dead right then and there. Against all odds, that blatant execution was ruled justified by the department. No consequences. I’m right back on patrol as if nothing ever happened! This damn liberal justice system. Thanks, Biden.

What a thankless job I have. I just keep terrorizing people hoping it’ll give me the long-overdue break I need, yet I get nothing. I don’t want any more free haircuts. I don’t want any more praise. I just want some fucking paid time off, and I will literally kill for it. Or for any other reason.

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