Joshualevinson, Author at HARDTIMES

‘90s Doctors Announce Vaccinated People Can Flip Through Each Other’s CD Binders

Posted on May 16, 2021 by Nathan Kamal

SEATTLE — A coalition of ‘90s doctors announced this morning that fully vaccinated individuals are safe to peruse each other’s overstuffed CD binders in a promising development for the future of the COVID-19 crisis.

“We know this has been a pressing issue on many Americans’ minds throughout the pandemic,” said Dr. Todd Perry, a leading doctor of ‘90s medicine. “One of the most intimate acts that you can share with a friend is to exhaustively flip through each other’s cheap, peeling CD binders and discover their taste in music. Many ‘90s Americans define their entire personality via careful curation of Korn, Smashing Pumpkins and even that Oasis CD. To be allowed to go through them is an expression of trust as bonding as, say, spitting in someone else’s mouth, which vaccinated persons are also safe to do.”

“As long as the CD binder hasn’t been left in a car in the sun and gotten scorchingly hot, of course,” Dr. Perry added, rearranging two copies of “Automatic for the People” in a binder.

‘90s music fan Michael Hewson was grateful for the announcement.

“One of the most difficult things in this entire quarantined year was not knowing what my friends had in their enormous zippered binders of CDs from Sam Goody,” Hewson said. “All throughout quarantine, all I could think of was actually spending time with other people, having fun, laying on a ratty couch and going through the CD binder of a girl I’ve been kind of, sort of seeing for a few weeks, as ‘Jagged Little Pill’ plays in the background while we watch ‘The Real World: San Francisco.’”

Jake Pelles, a friend of Hewson’s, had somewhat different feelings.

“I just think these vaccines haven’t been fully tested yet,” explained Pelles. “We don’t really know what the long-term effects of vaccines on CD binders will be. Sometimes it feels like the information from ‘90s doctors changes every week with COVID-19. I just know I’m going to play it safe. The only way I’ll look through a friend’s music for the foreseeable future is checking out their Winamp skins.”

At press time, Napster doctors joined their ‘90s peers, announcing that absolutely everything is okay to share and there is no chance of any kind of infection transmitting to anyone ever.

Steve From “Blue’s Clues” Sits in Shower After Solving Brutal Murder

Posted on May 15, 2021 by Nick Ortolani

NEW YORK — Owner and lead investigator of the Blue Prints Detective Agency, Steve, sat down and wept in his shower for several hours after solving a particularly grisly murder case, pets and sentient household objects confirmed.

“I ‘ave never seen him zis fucked up about something,” confided Mrs. Pepper. “And I thought ze times he needed to figure out Blue needed a bath, or zat upsetting incident where he had to figure out what time it was were stressful. But he became obsessed with solving zis murder. It got so bad zat ze family had to move out of ze house. It just didn’t seem like a stable environment to raise Paprika, Cinnamon, Ginger, and Sage. It wasn’t just us either; Slippery Soap, Tickety Tock, even Side Table Drawer couldn’t be around him any longer. Sacre bleu, he must be so alone. And dirty. And not know what time it is.”

Sources indicated that Steve had been spiraling for quite some time prior to solving the Snack Time Murder.

“I’m not supposed to read the letters…but I do,” admitted Mailbox. “The guy’s drowning in debt. Turns out you can’t really turn a buck just by learning how to ride a bike or going on a picnic. And that’s not even counting his personal life. Did you know the guy was married five times? With 16 kids? And four of his kids died, really sad stuff. I got so many letters asking for alimony and child support I’m surprised my wooden stake hasn’t snapped.”

The disturbing news, however, came as no surprise to longtime associates of the detective.

“It’s a chump’s game, seeeee?” said Steve’s partner Blue. “Ya get into this business trying to save the world, ya end up catchin’ a one way train to the land of broken dreams. What the guy didn’t count on was how deep this whole thing went. He couldn’t handle that Shovel and Pail helped bury the body, or that Handy Dandy Notebook leaked his case notes to the killer. This whole damn city’s a matchstick house and Steve thought he was the spark, but he’s just another wet rag. Christ, I need a walk.”

At press time, a broken Steve had accepted a case to track down international thief Carmen Sandiego.

Man Who Thinks NYC Greatest City in World Only Has Tampa as Basis for Comparison

Posted on May 15, 2021 by Bobby Korec

NEW YORK — Recent NYC transplant and lifelong Floridian Jerry Smithson announced to a group of friends that New York City is without a doubt the greatest city in the world despite only having Tampa as a benchmark, witnesses from Omaha who couldn’t agree more confirmed.

“It’s got everything you could possibly want, like restaurants, bars, and even a couple of parks. You know, stuff other cities don’t have,” said Smithson before asking a stranger for directions to the nearest Applebee’s. “Sure, I could do without the cockroaches, relentless car horn honking, and the alarming amount of men who masturbate on the subway. But I can overlook a few nuisances because the bodegas have cats! It just blows my mind that I used to live in a four-bed, four-bathroom apartment for $400 a month like a boring chump. Now I share a rundown studio with a roommate for eight times that much. Only in New York!”

Friends of Smithson commented on his enthusiasm for the place he’s called home for two of the mildest seasons of the year.

“I wouldn’t know what Florida is like because I wouldn’t dare travel to the South on purpose,” said Williamsburg resident Julie Drear before texting her parents in her home state of Indiana to see if they paid her rent this month yet. “Nonetheless, he’s right about NYC being the greatest city in the world, as long as you avoid Times Square, Midtown, Staten Island, literally any tourist attraction, anything north of Harlem, the scary parts of Brooklyn, and pretty much all of Queens because that’s where the poors live. NYC is also a melting pot of diversity and they all have the best food carts, although I stick to the hoods that I know serve bottomless mimosas with brunch. It do be like that.”

Experts weighed in on the history of New York City.

“This place had a huge PR problem in the ‘80s, so city officials actually hired a bunch of marketers to come up with brand strategies to promote and attract gentrifiers,” said public relations associate Gayle Fropp. “And it worked like a charm. They even wrote that ‘Empire State of Mind’ song for Jay-Z and Alicia Keys. Not many know this, but they actually embedded subliminal messages in the track to make you think New York City is amazing. You can kind of hear it if you listen closely — it feels like you’re there, minus the pee smell and the 45-minute train delays. There’s a reason only the Big Apple has been immortalized in music and film.”

At press time, Smithson had lost some enthusiasm for New York after realizing he had to fold his pizza in half before consuming in order to avoid public ridicule.

Opinion: If Those Videos of Bigfoot Were Real We’d Be Able to See His Dick

Posted on May 15, 2021 by Alec Stein

In the post-truth area, it is our duty as citizens and stewards of information to dispel the lies and misconceptions that have plagued the noble profession of cryptozoology. As a moderator for one of the top ten largest cryptozoological subreddits, I am viscerally offended any time I see someone sharing these obviously fake, and unfortunately famous, videos of Bigfoot. While scholars have proven beyond doubt that Bigfoot does exist, the viral videos currently making the rounds on Squatch Twitter have one glaring issue: Namely, if they are real, why can’t we see Bigfoot’s dick?

I have proven time and time again the scientific fact that, among the great apes, foot size is in direct correlation with the penis length and girth (Speaking of which, if anyone reading this works at Brookfield Zoo, please contact me. I think I left my tape measure in one of your exhibits). The foot-to-dick ratio (FTD) is such a basic and widely accepted concept that it has led to countless idioms, such as, “You know what they say about guys with big feet.”

As a species deriving its name from just how jarringly large its feet are, suffice to say that Bigfoot is packing a real monster of a hog. If that was an actual Bigfoot, you can bet your lunch there’d be one hell of a sledgehammer swinging around down there.

If these videos are indeed fake, which I have proven, that only presents more questions in need of answers. Why were these videos forged? Who would emasculate the majestic and well-endowed Squatch? Who stands to gain from depicting The Envy of The Northwest as nothing more than a dickless recluse? Sometimes the right answer is the simplest one: This propaganda of an impotent Bigfoot is an elaborate hoax; a conspiracy that runs deep through our government and culture, which was put into place by none other than my ex-wife’s new husband, Mark.

Think about it. I’ve seen the pictures he took with Sheri when they went to Cancun last year. Those boat shoes of his can’t be more than a size 8, 8 ½ at best. Logic follows that he’s strutting around the resort with the confidence of a yeti, while below his salmon shorts he is nothing more than a chupacabra.

Mark knows I have devoted my life to the sciences, with FTD being my magnum opus. He has castrated the noble Squatch in the eyes of the public, just to discredit me. Any psychologist briefed on the case will tell you that Mark has emasculated the Bigfoot in a sad Freudian attempt to symbolically castrate me, giving credence to my theory that my ex-wife still screams my name in the throes of their lovemaking. It is deplorable to me that Mark would let an innocent and noble cryptid get caught in the crossfire of his attempted character assassination, but what can you do?

Anyway, the 5G at the truck stop I’m writing this from is starting to give me a headache. Please stay tuned as I release more unbelievable truth about Mark’s role in convincing people jet fuel was used in the fire at his garage that I’m currently being investigated for.

New Electric Drum Set Comes Pre-Covered in Dust

Posted on May 15, 2021 by Kevin Tit

BOTHELL, Wash. — Audio equipment giant Behringer excited consumers by releasing a new line of electric drum sets that comes pre-covered in dust, allergy-ridden sources confirm.

“We’ve seen a dramatic increase in sales of electric drum sets since the pandemic began,” explained Behringer CEO Michael Cohen. “Millions of Americans have always wanted to learn how to drum, and being stuck at home for months on end has encouraged a lot of these folks to finally give it a shot. Like most hobbyists, that drive is usually short lived. So we thought, why wait for our product to be forgotten and covered in dust when we can just sell it with the dust already on it? Needless to say, it was the right decision because these orders are flying off the shelves.”

While the company celebrated a record number of sales, customers around the world expressed satisfaction with the new dust-covered instrument.

“I’ve wanted to be a drummer since I was six,” said 45-year-old marketing executive John Hampton. “My job kept me on the road most of the year and I knew it’d be impossible to keep a full drum set in my studio apartment. So, when quarantine started I immediately went ahead and bought my new Behringer Dusted series electric drum set. I like knowing that I can practice in the privacy of my own home without bothering my neighbors if I ever decide to use them, but I haven’t, and probably never will. Plus, the thin layer of dust that comes with it helps convince house guests that I’ve had these babies for a while and they’re not some desperate pandemic purchase I made to fill the void of being alone.”

While millions enjoy their new hobby, experts see this as nothing more than a desperate cry for help.

“Humans have always clung to anything that will help take their minds off their inevitable demise, since the beginning of time,” claimed Harvard University anthropologist Juliette Resendez. “The recent COVID-19 pandemic has caused this deeply subconscious trait all of us carry within us to reemerge to the forefront of our minds. Whether it’s learning the drums, baking bread, or teaching yourself how to roller skate for Tik Tok videos, filling the time you’d normally reserve for a social life will not stop any of us from succumbing to the cold grip of death that awaits.”

At press time, Peloton announced they will release a new line of exercise bikes that self-destruct after being inactive for six months.

Opinion: “Malibu’s Most Wanted” Saved My Life

Posted on May 14, 2021 by Eric Navarro

In dark times, we often turn to pieces of media that reflect who we are and how we’re feeling. These various songs, movies, and other forms of art help get us through our hardest times. They foster us when we lack support. They comfort us when we’re in need. In a sense, they save us. And I, for one, am so thankful that Jamie Kennedy teamed up with Warner Bros. Pictures to create the masterpiece that I’ve turned to in my darkest of times, “Malibu’s Most Wanted.”

2003 was a dark time for all of us. 9/11 was still fresh and we were about to start another war. More importantly, 50 Cent came out and I was determined to model my burgeoning teen self after him, despite being a sheltered white kid from the suburbs whose father was a California senator about to run for governor. While all of my classmates were quoting “American Pie,” I merely wished I had a film to capture my experiences. That all changed on April 18, 2003, when “Malibu’s Most Wanted” came out. Finally, I saw myself reflected. A perfect avatar dressed in light blue Tarheels gear, despite never having been to North Carolina. Just like me.

Through the years, I’ve gone back to this film many times. Through every break up, every trauma, every failed test or lost job, “Malibu’s Most Wanted” was always there for me. Hell, when I got married, my “Malibu’s Most Wanted” DVD was my best man. I’m just kidding! That would be insane. We did have it playing at the reception, though. I like it a lot.

It may seem silly to have such an affinity for a movie of which Roger Ebert said, “At least Gene didn’t have to sit through this turd.” But let me tell you, upon revisiting it, I don’t even see how bad this movie is. I don’t notice the cringey writing, the awful acting, or the hilariously hamfisted takes on race in America. All I see is the thing that saved me. But, yes, it is unfortunate that my “thing” is Jamie Kennedy doing verbal blackface for over an hour.

Man Who Has Never Seen a Cop in His Neighborhood Pretty Sure We Don’t Have an Over Policing Problem

Posted on May 14, 2021 by Stephen Bell

WESTON, Conn. — Police supporter Derek Conroy is “pretty confident” that there is no over-policing problem in the United States because he has never seen a cop in his gated neighborhood, sources confirmed.

“Never in my life have I even heard as much as a police siren go off on my street,” said Conroy. “Heck, I don’t even know what police even really look like, it’s been so long since I’ve interacted with an officer. I remember them being nice, funny guys, like in ‘Lethal Weapon,’ and that Benny Hill song is so damn catchy. In fact, the last time I did see one was when I had to pick my fuck-up sister’s kid from school. Those boys really do go above and beyond, keeping every corner of this place safe, and everyone assured.”

Conroy’s view of the police was not shared by BLM activist and resident of an over-policed neighborhood, Lucretia Thompson.

“It’s pretty clear to me that ole Derek here gets all of his impressions of police from copaganda shows,” stated Thompson. “Which I guess would be his only impression of cops if he never actually sees them operate. I once got into a spat with him on Facebook in which he argued, ‘If cops were bad, why would they work with Batman?’ I tried to explain to him that one, Batman isn’t real, and two, if the show was anything like real life the cops would be planting riddles on the Riddler. He didn’t understand the metaphor.”

When asked for comment, spokespersons for the Weston Police Department insisted that they’re only present when really needed in the Weston community.

“Mr. Conroy can be assured that the police will show up in his neighborhood if need arises,” said Police Chief Cynthia Grand. “Let’s say that, hypothetically, a person of a certain ‘persuasion’ shows up in town. You can be guaranteed that we will be there to greet any black… intentioned people. Yeah, that’s what I mean. Anyone who would want to do anything ‘black,’ as in evil, like black magic. We do things the white way around here. I mean, the right way. God, my mouth just has a mind of its own today.”

At press time, Conroy changed his mind and decided that all cops are freedom-stealing bastards after being given his first speeding ticket.

It’s Not a Relapse, It’s a Renegotiation of the Terms of My Sobriety

Posted on May 14, 2021 by Eric Navarro

No, I’m not in the middle of another relapse. I’ve simply sat down with my demons and renegotiated some terms. Upon revisiting the terms of my sobriety, I have come to an agreement that I can live with. Or die with, which I’m now realizing will be a likely outcome as I re-read this new arrangement.

Like any good contract, my sobriety should have some wiggle room. If Verizon can weasel out of every rebate I send in because the wrong box was ticked or the whole thing was soaked in Kentucky Gentleman, my sobriety should at least get a cheat day. And a cheat recovery day where we taper off. And anytime I smell cigarette smoke and start craving Yuengling for some reason.

Honestly, the shameful, headache-y way I feel as a result of breaking my sobriety has me feeling awful about myself. To be frank, the way my sobriety has reacted to my teeny tiny mistake makes me not even want to be sober. Sobriety is so fucking judgmental. Just like my drunk dad. Except my dad wasn’t as bad because eventually he’d leave me alone. I hate to say it, but I think my sobriety has codependency issues. Sad.

What even is “sobriety,” anyway? Not taking Tylenol? Caffeine? Meth? Where’s the line? Other people redefine sobriety all the time. Hell, I know cocaine addicts with longer AA chips than me! And that’s frustrating, because cocaine just makes me wanna drink more.

This isn’t fair. My sobriety holds me to such a rigidly high standard. And did you know sobriety is forever? You know who else holds unbreakable contracts for eternity? The Devil. And I bet Hitler wasn’t fond of amending things, either.

Study: Blink-182’s 2005 “Greatest Hits” Album Requires No Updating

Posted on May 14, 2021 by Stephen Bell

LOS ANGELES — A recent study conducted by music researchers at UCLA concluded that Blink-182’s “Greatest Hits” album from 2005 isn’t in need of any revisions and probably won’t be for some time, despite the several albums that have since been released.

“Pretty much everyone we interviewed for this study agreed that Blink-182 had already peaked by 2005,” said lead researcher Arthur Raynor. “That is, all the 30-something-year-olds we surveyed seemed to think that nothing could top what they remembered listening to in middle school and high school. Interestingly, anyone under 20 or over 45 had similar answers about how unaware they were of the band. The most common responses were either ‘I don’t listen to that crap’ or ‘I thought they broke up in 1999.’”

Participants in the study were quick to explain why they felt nothing from Blink-182’s post-2005 catalog could potentially be added to a greatest hits album.

“When I listen to a song, I want it to make me feel similar to the way I felt when I got my first handjob. Mainly because it was a Blink-182 song that I listened to immediately after getting my first handjob in high school,” said 33-year-old Nick Tucker. “It was also unfortunately my last. Now anytime I listen to ‘I Miss You,’ I think about Alexa and that handjob. It’s almost like they wrote that song about me! Nothing they’ve written since then reminds me of handjobs, and I don’t think they’ve written a song about shitting your pants or fucking someone’s mom in nearly two decades; therefore, not greatest hits material.”

Founding and only consistent member of Blink-182 Mark Hoppus felt sure that something they’ve produced since then warrants inclusion on a greatest hits compilation.

“You’re really going to tell me that ‘California’ doesn’t count as a hit?” said a frustrated Hoppus. “I packed so many fucking ‘na na nas’ into that song you’d think I was vociferously denying something the whole time. I know people love that repetitive shit. I mean Third Eye Blind’s biggest hit is just them saying ‘doo doo doo’ a lot. And yes, I know people think we’re just not the same since Tom left the band, but whatshisname has been a great addition. I want to call him Jeff? Whatever, the point is we still rock. Shit, cum, piss. See? Blink hasn’t changed.”

At press time, Hoppus announced the upcoming release of a Blink-182 B-sides album consisting entirely of band members farting into microphones.

/**/

How Sharing Racist Memes on Facebook Did Wonders for My Makeup Ponzi Scheme

Posted on May 13, 2021 by Alec Stein

Heyyyy #GirlBosses! As a white woman that owns several large-brimmed hats, I am an expert in entrepreneurship. This wasn’t always the case though. Not so long ago, I was just another Midwestern stepmom, struggling to get friends from high school to join my ponzi scheme, with nary a leopard spot on my phone case. What changed? How did I go from the unsuccessful life of getting Barefoot drunk at my stepson’s soccer match to living lavishly and getting Barefoot drunk at Aloha Beach (the water park in Wisconsin Dells)? The answer: sharing the most outlandishly racist memes on my Facebook page.

It all started sort of by accident. I shared what I thought was a picture about mascara. As it turns out, “thin blue line” has less to do with makeup and more to do with something called “the systematic and predatory tactics used by law enforcement against minorities and the socio-economically disadvantaged.” I have no idea what that means, but all my Facebook friends are apparently super in favor of it.

Just minutes after sharing that meme, my post was blowing up! Folks I hadn’t heard from in years were coming out of the woodwork to make sure that I knew they supported the perpetual oppression of black people in this country. The best part? These Confederate LARPers are the exact same people gullible enough to think my extremely obvious ponzi scheme is an actual business opportunity.

Just like that, business was booming. Instead of sharing over-filtered selfies, I started posting memes that these racist pigs gobbled up like slop from the trough. Once everyone was in the comments talking about why it should be harder for minorities to vote or something, I just chimed in with “Wow! You are very well-read patriots! Here is a way to make $1000 a day that definitely isn’t a ponzi scheme!”

Heck, just the other day I wanted some cash to buy a few more “Live, Laugh, Love” wall stickers, so I made up some shit about Hondurans being responsible for Trump getting banned from Facebook and slapped it on a picture of the guy from “Goodfellas” laughing. I posted it in a group called “Evangelicals for a Whiter Tomorrow.” Within an hour I had five new “employees” cashing in their 401ks and writing me checks to join, and I can’t make this clear enough, what is undeniably an overt pyramid scheme.

Anyway, thanks for reading, huns. The market seems to be getting a bit over-saturated, but you know what they say: “There’s a racist moron, that can’t tell the difference between an actual business and getting absolutely fleeced for all they’re worth, born every minute.”

XOXO

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News