Not Aging Well: 5 Episodes of “Friends” Where Ross Decided Osama bin Laden Didn’t Pose a Serious Threat to America

Posted on by Dan Rice

NBC’s “Friends” remains one of the most successful sitcoms in television history, breaking ratings records throughout its run and maintaining a “hot commodity” status on streaming services to this day. Unfortunately, fans rewatching the once-beloved show are finding that certain elements just don’t hold up to today’s standards of acceptable humor.

There’s no denying that the show seems dated now, and that is due in large part to Ross Gellar’s incessant dismissal of Osama bin Laden and the Taliban as a serious threat to American security. Here are five classic episodes of “Friends,” the legacy of which is now in question due to this needless blunder.

“The One Where Chandler Crosses The Line” (Season 4, Episode 7 – 11/13/97)
Don’t let the episode’s title fool you — it’s Ross who truly crosses the line in this one, and in a major way. In the episode’s B story Ross rediscovers his love of electronic music, alienating most of the friends with his bizarre compositions but intimidating Phoebe. The music is objectively terrible and played for laughs, but there’s nothing funny about Ross’s lyrics. Here’s a particularly damning snippet:

“Electro-fying, dare-defying, the Taliban is of no concern to American interests.”

Wow, Geller. Good thing you still have your day job as a paleontologist, because you’re for shit at music and worse at predicting global events.

“The One with the List” (Season 2, Episode 8 – 11/16/95)
One of the more emotional and tragic episodes of “Friends,” this one has Rachel discovering a list Ross made (at the behest of Chandler and Joey) comparing her to another love interest. It is clear to the audience that Ross’s heart lies with Rachel, but the discovery of the list proves to be too damning in her eyes. In a desperate attempt to convince her of his feelings, Ross says the following:

ROSS: Rachel, I love you! I’ve always loved you! And I’ll tell you another thing: Osama bin Laden can spew all the rhetoric he wants to his cave-dwelling acolytes, it doesn’t matter. At the end of the day, they’re up against the strongest military force in the history of the world and they don’t stand a chance, so don’t worry about that!

This could have been the show’s most pivotal emotional moment if not for Ross’s know-it-all attitude and compulsion to demystify Osama bin Laden.

“The One with the Football” (Season 3, Episode 9 – 11/21/96)
Thanksgiving episodes were an annual tradition on “Friends,” and this particular one grew to be a fan favorite. After watching the NFL’s Thanksgiving game, the gang decides to have their own friendly football match, which quickly escalates to animosity as Ross and Monica’s sibling rivalry flares up. Unfortunately, the episode is marred by one errant line of dialog:

MONICA: Are we playing football or what? Come on you hairy-backed Marys!

ROSS: Oh please, Monica. Your taunting is as ineffective as Osama bin Laden’s “holy war” against the United States is going to be. That’s the last we’ll be hearing from him, and you’re going down!

Not to be a Chandler but god Ross, could you BE any more wrong?

“The One After The Superbowl: Part 2” (Season 2, Episode 13 – 1/28/96)
This episode had everything going for it: celebrity cameos, a touching reunion and a special event time slot. Unfortunately it also had a needless and ultimately incorrect prediction from Dr. Ross Geller. After reuniting with his beloved pet monkey Marcel on the set of “Outbreak 2,” Ross has the following exchange with the film’s star, Jean Claude Van Damme:

JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME: Mr. Ross, I have never seen the Marcel so happy. The two of you must have an incredible bond!

ROSS: Yeah yeah listen, this isn’t one of those movies where the bad guys are middle-eastern terrorists, is it? Because I just do not buy that at all. They got lucky with the World Trade Center bombing once, but there’s no way something like that would ever happen again, okay Kickboxer?”

Yikes. Somebody should have kickboxed a foot into Ross’s mouth if they wanted this episode to stand the test of time.

“The Last One: Part 2” (Season 10, Episode 17 – 4/6/04)
Wow Ross, you just couldn’t let the show end on a high note, could you? At this point we’ve heard Ross say some pretty boneheaded things about bin Laden’s inability to ever hurt America, but this one stands apart, as it is said almost three years after 9/11 happened! It also marks the only time “Friends” acknowledges the tragedy within the show, and they handle it less than gracefully:

CHANDLER: Crazy about what happened to the Twin Towers like three years ago right?

ROSS: Freak accident. What can you do?

CHANDLER: Wow Ross, I don’t think it was an accident! Osama bin Laden was pretty adamant that his terrorist organization was responsible, and that it was a deliberate…

ROSS: Nope, it was a mistake. What can you do?

CHANDLER: Huh.

JOEY: Hey, I had sex again.

CHANDLER and ROSS in unison: Check please!

One of the most disappointing finales in television history, and proof positive that when it comes to accepting America’s vulnerability to terrorist attacks, Ross will always be stuck in 2nd gear.

Marty Mcfly Stuck in 1982 Checks Bad Brains Liner Notes to See Exactly When Lightning Supposed to Strike Capitol Building

Posted on by Bobby Korec

HILL VALLEY, Calif. — Marty McFly checked the liner notes of Bad Brains’ self-titled album hoping to see precisely when lightning was scheduled to strike the Capitol Building after finding himself in a bit of a time traveling bind while stuck in 1982, sources confirmed.

“This is heavy. But I have a good feeling that this idea will help get me out of yet another space-time continuum jam. The cover art clearly shows lightning striking the top of the Capitol, and that’s exactly what I need to get out of this mess,” said McFly while trying to avoid encountering his younger self and further complicating matters. “In fact, I’m such a huge Bad Brains fan that I even considered playing ‘Pay to Cum’ at the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance when I was stranded in 1955, but I didn’t think the audience would be ready for that just yet. Instead, I insinuated that a white dude from California invented the sound and style of Chuck Berry. Probably not cool, now that I think about it.”

Those familiar with the situation didn’t believe this plan had legs.

“There’s no way that the bolt of lightning as depicted could generate the 1.21 gigawatts needed to power the DeLorean,” said Dr. Emmett Brown while frantically asking a photo of Thomas Edison for guidance. “Plus, climbing to the top of the Capitol Building would be a logistical nightmare. I mean, are we supposed to just waltz right into the building and climb the structure just to get what we want? That’s one of the most heavily guarded buildings in America. They would stop us before we even got close to the front door.”

Others seemed to have a difficult time recalling the details of the incident.

“As a senator who worked a grueling 10 hours a week at the Capitol Building for years, I don’t ever remember lightning striking the top of it,” said Republican representative Tim Cranshen. “Could it be that the album cover was just a metaphorical representation of the resentment for the government? That can’t be it. Everyone adores Ronald Reagan, right? I know I do, thanks to his trickle-down economic policies that made me and my buddies filthy rich. What a guy.”

At press time, McFly put the Bad Brains scheme on hold to see if Metallica’s “Ride the Lightning” album had come out yet as a Plan B.

/**/

Man Just Spelled “Chlamydia” With Too Much Ease

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

CHICAGO — Friends of local man Jesse Miller were disconcerted by the ease with which he spelled the sexually transmitted disease, chlamydia, without even looking it up or anything.

“That motherfucker did not hesitate for even a moment. We were fucking off at work, just playing Words with Friends,” explained Nell Fowles, Miller’s coworker of two years. “He was going slow, then came across a clue for ‘9-letter word for an embarrassing medical condition,’ and it was like he had spelled it a thousand times. God, I hope not. He didn’t have most of it spelled, all he had was C, from ‘variety of miniature wild fruit.’”

Friends close to Miller recall similar instances in which the man spelled the non-phonetic word, with unnerving ease.

“We were at a bar once when Jesse grabs a newspaper and starts doing the crossword puzzle. It’s just kind of weird to see someone be that confident in spelling such a…specific…word,” said Miller’s roommate of 13 months, Luis Flores. “Like, there’s probably any number of things that it could have been. Like, cataracts? Uh, not celiac. But there’s probably a lot of other things. And he wasn’t even using a pencil. He straight up wrote it in pen. It’s like highly contagious venereal diseases were right up front in his mind. It was very uncomfortable.”

“No shade, by the way,” Flores added. “Hopefully, Miller just knows how to wrap it up.”

Dr. Martha Carter, a behavioral therapist specializing in friendship stress, was not surprised by the unease that Miller caused.

“Very often a discovery like this will really underline how little we actually know about the people we choose to spend time around,” Carter explained. “We like to imagine that we know our friends, their personal lives, whether or not they’ve Googled ‘chlamydia treatment how fast works.’ But the truth is, we often only discover these surprising and kind of weird things about a close friend by seeing it in action.”

When asked about this surprising skill, Miller asked what the big deal was, stating that “I read that like one in three people have chlamydia.”

Woman Ghosted Seven Days After Watching Cursed Skate Video

Posted on by James Webster

LOS ANGELES — Local barista Ashley Campos was dismayed to realize that she was ghosted by a skater exactly seven days after watching a jinxed skate video, according to her coworkers at the coffee shop.

“It’s been a weird couple of days,” said Campos. “This guy I’d been talking to texted me a link to a skate video called ‘DON’T ENJOI’ and it was just a bunch of weird black and white footage of staircases all over the east side. Exactly one week later, my apartment started to smell like a strawberry banana Puff Bar, and then I saw he had unmatched me on Bumble and hadn’t responded to my last five texts. Man, this bullshit again. I’ll never get those four minutes of my life back.”

Campos’ coworker at Clean Bean Coffee House, Nella Wilson, said she “couldn’t be happier” to see less of the potential love interest, local skater Xander Reyes.

“Yo fuck that guy,” said Wilson, while waiting for a pourover to finish dripping. “I’ve seen way too many of his type in my time. They’ve all got long, dirty hair and think that being too broke to do anything is attractive. Plus they’re almost always weirdly wet for some reason, and the last one I hooked up with kicked a hole in my TV while he was shitfaced. It’s been all squiggly ever since.”

“If you want something to take care of, get a cat, not a skater,” she added. “At least cats clean themselves. Also, a cat is never gonna tell you that it ‘just has a lot going on right now and can’t hang out.’”

Marina Campos, Ashley’s mother, expressed sympathy for her daughter in the rough dating world of today.

“Guys today seem just terrible. Not like back when I was dating. Men were men back then,” she explained. “Ashley’s father used to wear a Stetson every time we would go out, and now they all wear tiny beanies and never call you back. Maybe the quality of men is proportional to their hat sizes?”

At press time, Campos could not be reached for comment, as she was getting ready to go camping in the woods alone.

5 Careers More Stressful Than Being a Cop and How Many Murders per Year the Government Will Allow For Each One

Posted on by Dan Rice

In America, police officers kill about 1,100 citizens per year — roughly 30 times that of the next leading nation. Every time the cops kill someone, even when all evidence suggests the killing was an outright murder, they clap back against public outrage with the same ironclad argument: being a cop is very stressful. This simple truth is PR Teflon, immediately rendering any argument to the contrary untenable, and no amount of reform or de-funding is going to change that.

We all know that stress is toxic and cancerous to the human body, and can only be quelled by the taking of another life. America is finally coming to the realization that, if we want true equality, we need to stop trying to change the police, and start changing everything else. That is why the government will now allow a certain amount of murders every year from almost every sector of the workforce relative to the stress level of that particular job.

After the new system these five jobs will be the new highest earners, murder-wise:

5. IT Manager
These people are overworked, underappreciated, and face arguably the largest amount of communication breakdown with their immediate superiors of any American job. That is why IT managers will now collectively be allowed to murder 1,300 people per year, provided the murder occurs while on duty. Not only will this help balance the scales, experts predict that password retention will increase 5,000% within the first year.

4. Airline Industry
Whether you’re an air-traffic controller, a pilot or flight attendant, your job is demanding, full of risks and extremely high stakes. Flying for free is a decent perk, but the government is sweetening the deal by awarding the entire industry a 1,700 per-year murder allowance.

3. Doctors/Nurses
Being a medical professional was a stressful job before the days of COVID-19, so it’s more important than ever that we keep these people happy. Not only will Doctors and Nurses collectively be allowed to murder 2,200 people per year, individual workers will gain an extra murder for every 10 lives they save!

2. Marriage/family Therapist
Being in a failing relationship or dysfunctional family is hard, but being a family therapist is like being in 12 of those at the same time. Mental health professionals specializing in marriage or family dynamics will now be able to murder a collective 3,000 people per year. They cannot, however, kill their patients, unless they are of the professional opinion that murder is within the patient’s best interest.

1. Literally any food service job
These people have been overworked, underpaid and low-status since the dawn of time. The Law will no longer apply to them in any way.

All-Female Punk Band Clearly Just In It for the Death Threats

Posted on by John Danek

MORGANTOWN, W.Va. — Local punk band Butcher Paper ostensibly only formed to garner attention by way of constant death threats and doxxing, music fans and professionals concluded.

“Butcher Paper clearly doesn’t care about songwriting or punk values, otherwise they’d have at least one dude in the band. I’m not sure how they’re pulling off writing songs, but the whole thing is super suspicious,” stated punk label head Thomas Weinstadt, founder of Meatless/Heartless Records. “I’m always looking for new acts to sign, but when I read the first few lines of their bio I realized what I’m dealing with here: just a bunch of fake musicians co-opting punk in order to receive credible and frightening threats on their bodies, lives, and loved ones. It makes me sick when I really think about how evil some women can be.”

The men who sent believable and frightening messages said they were tired of being taken advantage of.

“Obviously, Butcher Paper is just kinda begging for it, which makes sending hateful messages a little less fun than usual,” explained Skyler Johansson, more commonly known as xIncelUprisingx online. “Here’s the fucked up thing — I personally don’t have much interest in the band at all, but you do what you gotta do. Every few days, I send them a Twitter DM about how if they don’t shut the fuck up, I’ll set their van on fire if they ever tour near Phoenix. I don’t even live near Phoenix. But they don’t know that.”

Members of Butcher Paper contended that they started the band solely to play music and express themselves.

“We had a feeling that we would encounter some misogyny, but Butcher Paper has only been around for nine months and we already receive way more intimidating messages and promises of harm than I expected,” admitted Butcher Paper bassist Ina Scott. “We’re not even signed to a label yet, and here we are with inboxes and DMs overflowing. I’m really starting to get imposter syndrome about the sheer number of threats. Did I really earn this? Am I really representing women well enough to deserve possible break-ins or attacks at shows? I just don’t know.”

Music critics reacted similarly to the band’s debut single “Woman Seeking Woman” as a blatant and desperate attempt to score some dick.

Report: Breakup Still Counts if You Weren’t Dating in the First Place

Posted on by Lana Schwartz

WASHINGTON — A new commission on Socializing, Relationships & Dating released a 105-page report determining that a breakup still counts between two romantically involved parties, whether or not the pair were officially “dating.”

“The nation is in a period of flux, and we thought it was really important to release guidance on the matter once and for all,” said sociologist Dr. Leah Suzuki. “It’s been an honor to lead this commission, and I hope that the impacts of this report are consequential and far reaching. Hookup culture has sparked endless confusion amongst Millennials and Gen Z as to what is or isn’t considered a breakup, and honestly it reached the point where the government had no choice but to intervene. We say that you absolutely are entitled to as many self care days as you need after things end with that match who told you they weren’t looking for anything serious from the start. It still counts.”

Many celebrated the report’s release and the opportunity to deem the endings of even their smallest, least consequential romantic encounters — from months-long on-again, off-again hookup situations to someone immediately ghosting after doing hand stuff in the bathroom — as breakups.

“The pain caused by someone telling you they ‘think you’re great’ but they’re ‘not in a place for anything right now’ after two really intense dates always gets brushed aside just because your other friend broke up with her boyfriend of five years, even though what I’m experiencing is basically the same thing,” said person currently between therapists, Melanie Green. “Plus, then if someone is interested and I’m not, I can say ‘This really isn’t a good time for me, I’m going through a breakup,’ and no one can question it, so this will also make avoiding someone I’ve lost interest in much easier.”

While many were happy with the news, some saw the report as yet another chance for the government to cozy up to big business, and were concerned that the impact it could have on the average American wasn’t considered.

“Basically what the government is doing here is just lining the pockets of the ice cream, tissue, and alcohol industries by encouraging singles to indulge in their basest consumerist desires,” said local best friend, Julia Sevilla. “But also, do you know how annoying it will be to have to listen to my friend spend two weeks crying about a guy she kissed, like, one time? There are only so many sad karaoke nights one person can withstand.”

At press time, “Fast Car” by Tracy Chapman was reportedly the number one streamed song across the country.

Student Loan Debt Paid off Just in Time to Acquire Medical Debt

Posted on by Bobby Korec

COMMACK, N.Y. — Local man who can’t seem to catch a break Josh Crabtree had a brief moment of celebration after paying off his student loan debt before immediately acquiring a staggering amount of medical debt, sources who saw but did not donate to his GoFundMe confirmed.

“I was just so pumped to be out from under student loan misery that I went to celebrate at the skatepark, and immediately hurt my back trying to ollie the four stair. I was laying on the ground in excruciating pain while scooter kids kept calling me a cry baby. The only thing that hurt more was the invoice they handed my wife when she picked me up,” said the 34-year-old Crabtree while Googling what happens if you just don’t pay medical bills. “Honestly, how can medical debt be so rampant in the ‘greatest country in the world’? I wonder how citizens of other countries handle their medical debt. Like Canadians. They never seem to complain about this kind of thing. They must be super rich up there.”

Those close to Crabtree were heartbroken to hear of his Sisyphus-like situation.

“It’s like we’re living in a ‘1984’ edition of ‘Monopoly,’” said Crabtree’s spouse Jaylen Spencer. “We were finally able to plan for our future and just about to start saving up to acquire mortgage debt. That is, before unexpectedly getting slammed with these medical expenses after the insurance company inexplicably blocked our number. I guess we’ll just have to wait another 10 years before we can nail down our dream debt.”

Experts provided a history of the United States credit system for context.

“The American dream has essentially been whittled down to paying off various types of debts throughout your life and celebrating each one as a faux milestone,” said financial advisor Chet Clayborne. “That’s why credit companies have gamified debt by creating credit scores. Your debt is literally a game to corporations. Sure, it makes no sense that your credit score actually goes down after you pay off a significant loan, but that’s because they made the rules and didn’t tell you any of them. The only way to avoid falling prey to massive debt is to have rich parents. Otherwise, eat shit, peasant.”

At press time, Crabtree decided to become a Lyft driver as a side gig in order to pay off the car loan debt he had to acquire in order to drive to his other jobs to pay off his medical and subsequent credit card debts.

We Interviewed David Byrne, the Last Thing on Our Bucket List. Welp, Time To Die

Posted on by Dan Rice

Writing for a music blog like The Hard Times has opened up a lot of opportunities over the years, leading to experiences I’ll never forget. In short, it’s been a dream, and just two weeks ago that dream bloomed into full fruition as I was given the chance to interview my favorite living artist: Talking Heads founder David Byrne. I had been wanting to pick this man’s brain for my entire life, and in fact, doing so was the last remaining item on my personal bucket list.

Now that I’m complete, there’s nothing left to do but welcome death as an old friend and shuffle off this mortal coil. Yes, it’s time to die.

David was delightful. We had this instant connection. I’ve seen just about every interview he’s given, and I can say he had never been this candid before. What started as a paint by numbers interview about the history of The Talking Heads quickly expanded into one of the most interesting conversations I’ve ever had about life, the universe, and everything, a conversation that made “My Dinner with Andre” look like “Freddy Got Fingered” by comparison. It’s a shame I didn’t write or record a word of it.

If you did have a way to access my talk with David Byrne, you would know that nothing is more important than being present in the moment. Nowadays with cell phones and social media everyone is so obsessed with chronicling their lives, they never truly live them. David and I touched on this and many other societal woes in our talk, and not in the stale way they’ve been discussed for decades. Byrnsy (as I now call him) really got to the heart of these issues in a way no one has done before, and we reached important insights together. Hopefully David writes a song about it all or something, because I’m gleefully taking every word to my grave as soon as I turn in this draft.

Understand that I am not depressed — there is simply no need to continue. I’ve traveled the world, I’ve gotten a Cheez-It that was actually four Cheez-Its stuck together, and now I’ve interviewed the greatest artist of our age. Do not mourn me, celebrate me. It is my time to go.

Tomorrow morning I will put on my finest suit, find a nice shady tree in the park, and just sit there until my essence returns to the source. Do not attempt to give me food or water should I ask for them, as these will merely be the knee jerk reactions of the flesh and not the desires of my soul. If you do see David Byrne, please tell him that our time together was the most important 5-minute phone call of my entire life.

‘90s Doctors Announce Vaccinated People Can Flip Through Each Other’s CD Binders

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

SEATTLE — A coalition of ‘90s doctors announced this morning that fully vaccinated individuals are safe to peruse each other’s overstuffed CD binders in a promising development for the future of the COVID-19 crisis.

“We know this has been a pressing issue on many Americans’ minds throughout the pandemic,” said Dr. Todd Perry, a leading doctor of ‘90s medicine. “One of the most intimate acts that you can share with a friend is to exhaustively flip through each other’s cheap, peeling CD binders and discover their taste in music. Many ‘90s Americans define their entire personality via careful curation of Korn, Smashing Pumpkins and even that Oasis CD. To be allowed to go through them is an expression of trust as bonding as, say, spitting in someone else’s mouth, which vaccinated persons are also safe to do.”

“As long as the CD binder hasn’t been left in a car in the sun and gotten scorchingly hot, of course,” Dr. Perry added, rearranging two copies of “Automatic for the People” in a binder.

‘90s music fan Michael Hewson was grateful for the announcement.

“One of the most difficult things in this entire quarantined year was not knowing what my friends had in their enormous zippered binders of CDs from Sam Goody,” Hewson said. “All throughout quarantine, all I could think of was actually spending time with other people, having fun, laying on a ratty couch and going through the CD binder of a girl I’ve been kind of, sort of seeing for a few weeks, as ‘Jagged Little Pill’ plays in the background while we watch ‘The Real World: San Francisco.’”

Jake Pelles, a friend of Hewson’s, had somewhat different feelings.

“I just think these vaccines haven’t been fully tested yet,” explained Pelles. “We don’t really know what the long-term effects of vaccines on CD binders will be. Sometimes it feels like the information from ‘90s doctors changes every week with COVID-19. I just know I’m going to play it safe. The only way I’ll look through a friend’s music for the foreseeable future is checking out their Winamp skins.”

At press time, Napster doctors joined their ‘90s peers, announcing that absolutely everything is okay to share and there is no chance of any kind of infection transmitting to anyone ever.

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