LOS ANGELES — Local barista Ashley Campos was dismayed to realize that she was ghosted by a skater exactly seven days after watching a jinxed skate video, according to her coworkers at the coffee shop.
“It’s been a weird couple of days,” said Campos. “This guy I’d been talking to texted me a link to a skate video called ‘DON’T ENJOI’ and it was just a bunch of weird black and white footage of staircases all over the east side. Exactly one week later, my apartment started to smell like a strawberry banana Puff Bar, and then I saw he had unmatched me on Bumble and hadn’t responded to my last five texts. Man, this bullshit again. I’ll never get those four minutes of my life back.”
Campos’ coworker at Clean Bean Coffee House, Nella Wilson, said she “couldn’t be happier” to see less of the potential love interest, local skater Xander Reyes.
“Yo fuck that guy,” said Wilson, while waiting for a pourover to finish dripping. “I’ve seen way too many of his type in my time. They’ve all got long, dirty hair and think that being too broke to do anything is attractive. Plus they’re almost always weirdly wet for some reason, and the last one I hooked up with kicked a hole in my TV while he was shitfaced. It’s been all squiggly ever since.”
“If you want something to take care of, get a cat, not a skater,” she added. “At least cats clean themselves. Also, a cat is never gonna tell you that it ‘just has a lot going on right now and can’t hang out.’”
Marina Campos, Ashley’s mother, expressed sympathy for her daughter in the rough dating world of today.
“Guys today seem just terrible. Not like back when I was dating. Men were men back then,” she explained. “Ashley’s father used to wear a Stetson every time we would go out, and now they all wear tiny beanies and never call you back. Maybe the quality of men is proportional to their hat sizes?”
At press time, Campos could not be reached for comment, as she was getting ready to go camping in the woods alone.