In America, police officers kill about 1,100 citizens per year — roughly 30 times that of the next leading nation. Every time the cops kill someone, even when all evidence suggests the killing was an outright murder, they clap back against public outrage with the same ironclad argument: being a cop is very stressful. This simple truth is PR Teflon, immediately rendering any argument to the contrary untenable, and no amount of reform or de-funding is going to change that.
We all know that stress is toxic and cancerous to the human body, and can only be quelled by the taking of another life. America is finally coming to the realization that, if we want true equality, we need to stop trying to change the police, and start changing everything else. That is why the government will now allow a certain amount of murders every year from almost every sector of the workforce relative to the stress level of that particular job.
After the new system these five jobs will be the new highest earners, murder-wise:
5. IT Manager
These people are overworked, underappreciated, and face arguably the largest amount of communication breakdown with their immediate superiors of any American job. That is why IT managers will now collectively be allowed to murder 1,300 people per year, provided the murder occurs while on duty. Not only will this help balance the scales, experts predict that password retention will increase 5,000% within the first year.
4. Airline Industry
Whether you’re an air-traffic controller, a pilot or flight attendant, your job is demanding, full of risks and extremely high stakes. Flying for free is a decent perk, but the government is sweetening the deal by awarding the entire industry a 1,700 per-year murder allowance.
Being a medical professional was a stressful job before the days of COVID-19, so it’s more important than ever that we keep these people happy. Not only will Doctors and Nurses collectively be allowed to murder 2,200 people per year, individual workers will gain an extra murder for every 10 lives they save!
2. Marriage/family Therapist
Being in a failing relationship or dysfunctional family is hard, but being a family therapist is like being in 12 of those at the same time. Mental health professionals specializing in marriage or family dynamics will now be able to murder a collective 3,000 people per year. They cannot, however, kill their patients, unless they are of the professional opinion that murder is within the patient’s best interest.
1. Literally any food service job
These people have been overworked, underpaid and low-status since the dawn of time. The Law will no longer apply to them in any way.