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Report: Breakup Still Counts if You Weren’t Dating in the First Place

WASHINGTON — A new commission on Socializing, Relationships & Dating released a 105-page report determining that a breakup still counts between two romantically involved parties, whether or not the pair were officially “dating.”

“The nation is in a period of flux, and we thought it was really important to release guidance on the matter once and for all,” said sociologist Dr. Leah Suzuki. “It’s been an honor to lead this commission, and I hope that the impacts of this report are consequential and far reaching. Hookup culture has sparked endless confusion amongst Millennials and Gen Z as to what is or isn’t considered a breakup, and honestly it reached the point where the government had no choice but to intervene. We say that you absolutely are entitled to as many self care days as you need after things end with that match who told you they weren’t looking for anything serious from the start. It still counts.”

Many celebrated the report’s release and the opportunity to deem the endings of even their smallest, least consequential romantic encounters — from months-long on-again, off-again hookup situations to someone immediately ghosting after doing hand stuff in the bathroom — as breakups.

“The pain caused by someone telling you they ‘think you’re great’ but they’re ‘not in a place for anything right now’ after two really intense dates always gets brushed aside just because your other friend broke up with her boyfriend of five years, even though what I’m experiencing is basically the same thing,” said person currently between therapists, Melanie Green. “Plus, then if someone is interested and I’m not, I can say ‘This really isn’t a good time for me, I’m going through a breakup,’ and no one can question it, so this will also make avoiding someone I’ve lost interest in much easier.”

While many were happy with the news, some saw the report as yet another chance for the government to cozy up to big business, and were concerned that the impact it could have on the average American wasn’t considered.

“Basically what the government is doing here is just lining the pockets of the ice cream, tissue, and alcohol industries by encouraging singles to indulge in their basest consumerist desires,” said local best friend, Julia Sevilla. “But also, do you know how annoying it will be to have to listen to my friend spend two weeks crying about a guy she kissed, like, one time? There are only so many sad karaoke nights one person can withstand.”

At press time, “Fast Car” by Tracy Chapman was reportedly the number one streamed song across the country.