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Student Loan Debt Paid off Just in Time to Acquire Medical Debt

COMMACK, N.Y. — Local man who can’t seem to catch a break Josh Crabtree had a brief moment of celebration after paying off his student loan debt before immediately acquiring a staggering amount of medical debt, sources who saw but did not donate to his GoFundMe confirmed.

“I was just so pumped to be out from under student loan misery that I went to celebrate at the skatepark, and immediately hurt my back trying to ollie the four stair. I was laying on the ground in excruciating pain while scooter kids kept calling me a cry baby. The only thing that hurt more was the invoice they handed my wife when she picked me up,” said the 34-year-old Crabtree while Googling what happens if you just don’t pay medical bills. “Honestly, how can medical debt be so rampant in the ‘greatest country in the world’? I wonder how citizens of other countries handle their medical debt. Like Canadians. They never seem to complain about this kind of thing. They must be super rich up there.”

Those close to Crabtree were heartbroken to hear of his Sisyphus-like situation.

“It’s like we’re living in a ‘1984’ edition of ‘Monopoly,’” said Crabtree’s spouse Jaylen Spencer. “We were finally able to plan for our future and just about to start saving up to acquire mortgage debt. That is, before unexpectedly getting slammed with these medical expenses after the insurance company inexplicably blocked our number. I guess we’ll just have to wait another 10 years before we can nail down our dream debt.”

Experts provided a history of the United States credit system for context.

“The American dream has essentially been whittled down to paying off various types of debts throughout your life and celebrating each one as a faux milestone,” said financial advisor Chet Clayborne. “That’s why credit companies have gamified debt by creating credit scores. Your debt is literally a game to corporations. Sure, it makes no sense that your credit score actually goes down after you pay off a significant loan, but that’s because they made the rules and didn’t tell you any of them. The only way to avoid falling prey to massive debt is to have rich parents. Otherwise, eat shit, peasant.”

At press time, Crabtree decided to become a Lyft driver as a side gig in order to pay off the car loan debt he had to acquire in order to drive to his other jobs to pay off his medical and subsequent credit card debts.