BOTHELL, Wash. — Audio equipment giant Behringer excited consumers by releasing a new line of electric drum sets that comes pre-covered in dust, allergy-ridden sources confirm.
“We’ve seen a dramatic increase in sales of electric drum sets since the pandemic began,” explained Behringer CEO Michael Cohen. “Millions of Americans have always wanted to learn how to drum, and being stuck at home for months on end has encouraged a lot of these folks to finally give it a shot. Like most hobbyists, that drive is usually short lived. So we thought, why wait for our product to be forgotten and covered in dust when we can just sell it with the dust already on it? Needless to say, it was the right decision because these orders are flying off the shelves.”
While the company celebrated a record number of sales, customers around the world expressed satisfaction with the new dust-covered instrument.
“I’ve wanted to be a drummer since I was six,” said 45-year-old marketing executive John Hampton. “My job kept me on the road most of the year and I knew it’d be impossible to keep a full drum set in my studio apartment. So, when quarantine started I immediately went ahead and bought my new Behringer Dusted series electric drum set. I like knowing that I can practice in the privacy of my own home without bothering my neighbors if I ever decide to use them, but I haven’t, and probably never will. Plus, the thin layer of dust that comes with it helps convince house guests that I’ve had these babies for a while and they’re not some desperate pandemic purchase I made to fill the void of being alone.”
While millions enjoy their new hobby, experts see this as nothing more than a desperate cry for help.
“Humans have always clung to anything that will help take their minds off their inevitable demise, since the beginning of time,” claimed Harvard University anthropologist Juliette Resendez. “The recent COVID-19 pandemic has caused this deeply subconscious trait all of us carry within us to reemerge to the forefront of our minds. Whether it’s learning the drums, baking bread, or teaching yourself how to roller skate for Tik Tok videos, filling the time you’d normally reserve for a social life will not stop any of us from succumbing to the cold grip of death that awaits.”
At press time, Peloton announced they will release a new line of exercise bikes that self-destruct after being inactive for six months.