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We Look Back on INXS Because the Belt Is Stuck Around My Neck and This Might Be It!

It’s been 24 years since the life of Michael Hutchence, lead singer of Australian pop phenomenon INXS, was tragically cut short, allegedly by an incident of auto-erotic asphyxiation gone wrong. Today, we look back on the music of INXS because son of a bitch I think I’m about to do the same fucking thing!

Like many Americans, I become intensely aroused by depriving my brain of oxygen. To facilitate this, I use a heavy duty leather belt with the word “DADDY” written across it in rhinestones. I like to fasten the belt around my neck just enough to significantly cut off my air supply while masturbating, but not quite tight enough to make me pass out, provided of course that I remove the belt within about 10 minutes or so, wherein lies the issue.

To make a long story short, the buckle is jammed, my door is locked from the inside because my landlord gives fuck-all about fire codes, and I don’t know if this is my brain dying or what but I cannot stop jamming out to INXS tunes! Let’s count down the top five, because I for sure do not have time for more!

5. New Sensation
The third single off 1987’s “Kick,” this hit cemented INXS as a presence on the American billboards, eventually reaching the no.3 spot. I’m experiencing quite a new sensation myself, as the knowledge that I will likely die soon has done little to quell my sexual arousal. I just wish I could take this song’s advice and “Live baby live!”

4. Need You Tonight
Hands down one of the sexiest pop hits of all time, and who among us can’t relate to the song’s theme of intense lustful fixation? I know exactly who I need tonight: Mistress Heather! She’s a sex worker friend of mine who acts as a sort of spotter in case exactly this sort of thing were to happen during one of my choke-play sessions. Unfortunately, she had to cancel at the last minute when her cat got sick, and I went ahead anyway.

What I would more than settle for tonight are my phone and/or keys, both of which are in my pants which, in my haste, I left in the other room before locking myself in here, so enjoy my last article!

3. Suicide Blonde
This one’s pretty on the nose — I have blonde hair, and my family is likely to have my death ruled as a suicide to avoid public embarrassment.

2. Don’t Change
I don’t really have a choke-sex tie-in for this one, it’s just a dope song. Seriously, ever heard it? Stop what you’re doing and listen to “Don’t Change” by INXS.

1. Never tear us apart
I’m not sure who wrote this INXS classic but I am sure they didn’t write it about a belt. I would give anything to tear this thing apart from my rapidly swelling neck.