Ugh. Give us a second. Just a second. Our fucking head. This fucking sucks. Why did we think it would be a good idea to chase that rum and coke with a banana daiquiri and a keg of Natty Daddy? Whatever. We can plow through this. Time to reemerge, reborn like the phoenix of functional alcoholism, and give you our definitive ranking of Gatorade flav- oh fuck, we’re gonna puke. Wait, nope. Okay, phew.
Look, we’re just gonna rank these Gatorades and call it. Good? Cool. Fuck.
Riptide Rush – It was probably a mistake to start with this one because it doesn’t even sound like a real flavor. Even by Gatorade’s standards, this sounds more like a cause of death than something that “revitalizes electrolytes to the max,” as advertised on the bottle. Wait a minute. Now that we taste it, it is pretty refreshing. It kind of reminds us of the bathtub jungle juice from last night. Oh shit. Shit. We’re definitely going to puke.
Glacier Cherry – This one isn’t so bad. Definitely cleanses the palate. It’s a soothing ice-white color, and it’s nice and cool on our inflamed esophagus. Actually, we’re just going to rub the bottle on our face for a while. Yeah, that feels good. That feels real good. It’s just as cold as the gin and tonic flight we had between shots of fireball. Oh god. Pass us a hat. We’re going to spew again.
Fruit Punch – This one is really basic, but that’s okay. It doesn’t taste all that different from literally any other fruit punch in the world, but it doesn’t have to. It just has to stay in our stomach long enough to keep us from dying of dehydration. And it’s doing that right now. Fuck. I shouldn’t have said that. Here comes the malt liquor!
Pedialyte Lemon Lime – Yeah, yeah. This is cheating. We know. But all that Gatorade is not helping the single worst hangover we’ve ever had. It’s almost like its main ingredient is something that dehydrates you. Anyway, we hear Pedialyte is really good for you. It basically tasted like thick lemon water. Must be all that potassium. You know what also has a lot of potassium? Bananas. Which reminds us of last night when we put on that episode of “Full House” where The Beach Boys show up and we all put on Hawaiian shirts and blended up so many daiquiris that we’re about to blow chunks of right this second.
Unlabelled Bottle from the Fridge – FUCK. There’s a cigarette in this one! Who put this in here? What kind of fucking prank is this? It touched our mouth a little when we drank it! …oh no. Oh no. Please no. Not again.
Okay, we’re calling it. There are like 23 more flavors of Gatorade, but we just need to lie down. We’re gonna take a long nap and then get back to you. Maybe we’ll try whatever “Gatorade Flow” is. Just never let us drink like that again. Fuck.