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Opinion: It’s Been 5 Years and No One Else Called It: I’m Prince Now

As I write this proclamation, it’s been seven hours, 15 days and 5 years since the passing of The Purple One. While the legacy of his reign will no doubt echo across the cultural landscape for decades to come, the fact remains that in all that time not one person has made a claim to the Raspberry Beret, and I say enough is enough. No one else is going to step up and fill his surprisingly small shoes? Fine. Everybody, I’m Prince now.

Prince was more than a musician. He was a walking sovereign entity, a one-man monarchy ruling over all things sexual and funky with a velvet fist. People die, but thrones do not. Prince is dead, long live Prince!

Let’s address the elephant in the room right away. I don’t want to hear any stink about “cultural appropriation.” Prince transcends race, and if there were even a whisper of a person of color making a move for the throne, I would have backed down immediately. I’m pretty surprised it’s come to this. To be honest, I’m just as weirded out by the idea of white Prince as you are, but it’s been half a decade, and the borders of freakiness remain unguarded.

My qualifications speak for themselves:
– In high school my intramural Ultimate Frisbee team was called Sign o’ the Times.
– I think the Batman soundtrack is criminally underrated, and after months of lobbying convinced my friends to give me the nickname “Party Man.”
– I’m good at heavily implying but never quite confirming I’ve done guy/guy stuff.

My purple reign will officially begin after I ride my motorcycle to Minnesota, where I will purify myself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka. Then, after a tasteful love scene with Appollonia Kotero, I’ll make a cameo on an episode of “The New Girl” for some reason. After that, I will put my estate in order, pulling all of my music from Spotify and locking my unreleased recordings back into the vault. From there I will mostly just experiment with chem-sex in my mansion.

Transitions of power are difficult, and I ask for your patience in this trying time. To be fair, I am inheriting a plethora of problems the original Prince never had to deal with: Covid-19, economic chaos, an endless war with Morris Day. While I do not blame my predecessor for these issues, it cannot be denied that five years without a Prince has made the world considerably harder to manage. Also, the Morris Day thing was sort of his fault. Regardless, I don’t want to cause you any sorrow. I don’t want to cause you any pain. I promise that with your love, your support, your extra time and your Kiss, I will become the Prince you deserve.

Oh, and someone needs to teach me how to do music.