Casinos Will Hate You for Doing This: Shitting in the Slot Machines

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

You know what they say about casinos — the house always wins. And sure, the fat cats make a hefty profit out of swindling the gullible and the unlucky, but fortunately for you, there’s a way to get back at them that they’ll never expect. It’s simple: take a shit in the slot machines!

That’s right, you can make their system work for you! And by system, we mean a row of slot machines that look relatively unguarded, and a whole ton of fiber in your diet.

It sounds crazy, but there’s no more surefire way to get back at the casino that forced you to max out your credit cards, lie to your spouse and take out a second mortgage on your home that now creeps over your guilty conscience like an oncoming storm every day than to sidle up to those tempting, intriguing machines and prepare to drop trou.

Trust us, they hate it when people do this!

And sure, casinos will tell you not to use their fancy-dancy gambling machines as a makeshift commode, but get this: there’s no official Federal or state law that says you can’t! In all likelihood, this is probably because no member of the legislature thought this would ever need to be codified in law. But just like there’s no actual laws against counting cards, gaming casinos for free buffet tickets and cashing out an IRA prematurely, taking a massive tax loss, it’s something casinos just don’t want you to know! But that’s how ingenuity gets the better of fat cats every time!

Damn those fat cats. How’s your kid going to go to college now? An entire 529 savings plan, gone, just like that. One hand of blackjack.

Fuck.

Anyway, remember: the house may always win, but only if you count winning as taking your entire life savings, causing you to alienate your spouse who couldn’t stop asking questions at the bank and tossing you out of the casino while you alternately begged and threatened them for one more round of baccarat!

If you ask us, winning actually means having a gut full of high-intensity soluble fiber supplements and getting a shred of your dignity back by dropping a hot one in a one-armed bandit. So get at it and strike a blow for the little guy!

Oh shit, here comes security. Finish up fast.

Nation’s Mom’s Agree, “I Never Said That”

Posted on by Dom Turek

HEMPSTEAD, N.Y. — A new study by Hofstra University has found that 100 percent of moms nationwide agree they’ve never said anything traumatizing to their children and everyone is just out to get them.

“I didn’t expect these results, in part because I specifically remember my own mother telling me I wasn’t worth the stretch marks she sustained during her pregnancy with me,” said Dr. Charles Gilchrist, the study’s lead researcher. “We double and triple checked our numbers because we knew they would ask us to, or at least have our cousin Danny look at the data. But the results came back the same each time, which either means millions of mothers are lying about being infallible parents or we have a nation of children who are being gaslit.”

A total of 43 million mothers polled across the United States denied having said anything their children could construe as traumatizing, hurtful, or just plain fucking evil.

“Maybe they forgot to poll my mom,” said Shelby Aaron, one of the many adult children baffled by the results. “Did you ask her about the time she convinced me the divorce was all my fault, or that one summer in high school she told me to save up money for a nose job? How could she forget saying such cruel things during my most formidable years? Unless maybe I just didn’t know how good I had it, and could have just gone and lived with some other family if I hated it there so much.”

In addition to the 100 percent of moms who agreed, “I never said that,” 96 percent of moms vowed, “that never happened” and 93 percent said, “you’re too sensitive.”

“I’m sorry I’m the worst mother in the world,” sobbed Patricia Daigle in response to her son calling her a liar after the study was made public. “Maybe if I worked those extra hours at the office instead of going to all your soccer games and track meets, you’d love me one iota the amount you love your workaholic narcissist father. Say what you want about me, but you’ll miss me when I’m dead and gone.”

At press time, the nation’s children were seen apologizing to their mothers and assuring them they were the best moms in the world.

Opinion: All Timecops Are Timebastards

Posted on by Ryan Clark

Cops fucking suck. There isn’t anything new with that statement. But at least the douchebaggery that pigs dish out is on a linear plane of existence. These fucking clockhogs though will come and give me all kinds of shit because APPARENTLY I spit in one of their faces thirty years from now.

I remember this one time I was hanging out with some friends in Austria, 1892, when this fucking clockhog came out of nowhere and was like “Hey, get out of here! You guys are trying to kill baby Hitler!” And I was like “Dude, what the fuck are you talking about?!?! We’re just standing here.” Then he made us all empty our pockets and he took my pipe even though that was given to me by an older version of myself. He gave me a ticket for causing a bootstrap paradox. My friend got caught with some Infinity Stones and she got taken away to be reset. I never saw her again.

Why do these assholes have such a boner about protecting baby Hitler anyways? Just let people kill him.

Clockhogs tell us that they are here to preserve the proper flow of the sacred timeline, and normies eat that shit up. Why wouldn’t they? Our media is full of Timecop-aganda painting them as altruistic heroes with our best future in mind. But us temporal non conformists who actually deal with these time-swine see them for what they really are: jack-booted, class traitor thugs hired to protect time-property and enforce the status quo.

Timecops exist to ensure that white males who are carbon based mammals maintain control. They don’t want to see a timeline that benefits people of color, or women, or cephalopods.

If you agree that the Timecops are the real problem, a bunch of us are going to be meeting up last week and having a protest in the Cretaceous period. If anything happens, make sure to wear a mask so you can’t be identified and to keep as still as possible, because the T-Rex’s vision is based on movement.

Dave Grohl Reveals Members of Nirvana Still Get Together to Fight About Royalties

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

LOS ANGELES — Legendary rock musician Dave Grohl revealed that the surviving members of seminal grunge band Nirvana still sometimes get together to fight about royalties, sources close to the surviving members confirmed.

“We’ve actually never stopped,” said Grohl before he started shooting a new documentary about how tropical fish influenced the Texas punk scene. “If there’s one thing that’s always bonded me, Krist [Novoselic] and Pat [Smear], it’s the dedication to arguing about who gets what percent of performing rights, publishing rights, even merchandising rights. I guess some people would leave it to personal reps at our age, but really, this is why we became musicians. Fighting about contractual monetary compensation is just part of who we are. I genuinely think we’re actually doing some of the best fighting we’ve ever done as a band.”

“Really, really hurtful stuff,” Grohl added.

Longtime Nirvana fan Colin Duncan was thrilled to hear that the band still gets into screaming matches over T-shirt sales.

“I’d love to be a fly on the wall as those legends jam out which percentages they are entitled to. When Kurt [Cobain] died, it felt like everything was going to die with him. After all, he had, like, 98% of the publishing rights, which makes it that much cooler that those guys still meet up to squabble over the scraps,” said Duncan. “A lot of bands would just phone it in after a few decades, but I know they’re just as passionate about getting paid for a glorified demo they’re calling an ‘unearthed track’ as anything they’ve ever done.”

Armin Roscoe, an entertainment lawyer for Nirvana LLC, admired the band’s passion for monetizing art.

“It’s really touching that after all these years, these guys haven’t lost touch with their roots, ” Roscoe said, reviewing a contract to license “In Bloom” for a fertilizer commercial. “They can still get together in an expensive suite at the Chateau Marmont to have terse, legally-counseled negotiations about live album percentages. Heck, sometimes they even let loose and threaten to smash the furniture in a C-suite boardroom, like the rockstars they are.”

“I mean, they don’t, but you can tell they still could, probably,” Roscoe added.

At press time, Courtney Love was three hours late to a scheduled fight about ways to minimize payments to Butch Vig.

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia. 

The Hard Times Breakdown: How to Book a Punk Show

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

Booking a show is one of the best ways to support and/or steal from your local scene. But where do you start? Can any idiot who wants to plug a mic into a bass amp and doesn’t understand what “you are responsible for incidental damages incurred during any show you promote” really book their own show? Yes, and double yes. Follow these simple steps and you will be on the fast track in the thankless world of musical promotion.

Step 1. Find a Venue

First off: Forget about securing a PA. Who cares? Finding the perfect place to hold a show is key. Most professional music venues have age restrictions so that just won’t work for a proper punk show. Real shows have 12-year-olds and 45-year-olds intermingling like there is nothing weird about that at all. So what are your options?

Basements/garages

It is essential that every punk has a friend with access to either a basement or garage. This is where having rich friends really comes in handy. Their parents can often afford more space, which means you have a spot for your show. Also, their rich parents have a higher likelihood of travelling. Once they are on vacation, it’s time to party. Plus, who cares if you break their water heater, they have the money to fix it.

Pros: Basements and garages make for the perfect DIY show because chances are nobody else is showing up besides the other bands and maybe whoever they are dating at the time. When you look back on photos of these shows they will look packed, but in reality you played to zero paid.

Cons: Before you finalize any basement shows make sure this is a full sized basement. The last thing you need is to be trying to drag a bass cab through a spider-infested crawl space. Also be wary of pesky neighbors. If you see a set of eyeballs suspiciously peering over a fence that probably means the cops are on their way. Be proactive and take the neighbors out of the picture entirely. A running van and a 50 foot garden hose can often do the trick. Make sure all their windows are closed and their carbon monoxide detector is unplugged. Then feed that hose right into their bedroom window. They will be sleeping so peacefully that they will never hear your Cro-Mags cover.

VFW/American Legion Halls

Want to try for something a little bigger? You need a venue that has fluorescent lighting which cannot be dimmed so it guarantees the bands play under bright lights with no sense of mood, or in pitch black. VFW halls are the perfect place for shows like that and often also have giant parking lots so people can just stand outside in a giant circle until their friend’s band is playing.

Pros: Other than the occasional low budget wedding or sad family reunion these venues will always have dates available. They will also have tables to set up merch, which is perfect since you will undoubtedly have black t-shirts with your bands logo printed in white ink across the front of the shirt for sale. Another added benefit is these venues always have metal folding chairs leaning against the walls, so when the second band is going on their 75th minute of setting up you can still be comfortable.

Cons: There will be old guys hanging out at the bar. Not just sort of old, really fucking old. Older than you ever thought possible. They won’t bother you much, they will occasionally turn around from the bar to watch the band and then go back to nursing their beer. Some of these walking corpses might say things like “teenage girls didn’t look good when I was their age” or “I wish I could tell my son I was sorry. But we are both so stubborn, he gets it from me. I just want to see my grandchildren before I die.” You can ignore all that. These geezers will be dead soon.

Abandoned Building in Bad Part of Town

This is the ultimate venue for any punk show. Something where the cops won’t bother you, that doesn’t actually have an address, and it won’t matter if you destroy anything because it’s already trashed.

Pros: Throwing a show in an abandoned building just makes you feel cooler, because how did you even pull this off? You can play all night, you can charge whatever you want, and it doesn’t matter if there is underage drinking. This is the wild west and you are Wyatt fucking Earp baby.

Cons: You will almost certainly get attacked by squatters who don’t want you there. They might slash you with a broken bottle or stab you with a dirty needle. If humans aren’t living there then raccoons most certainly are and that is a whole other can of worms. Electricity could be an issue so bring a generator or a friend who went to trade school who isn’t afraid to try to tap power off a nearby building. And finally, if you pull this off you will be getting laid so much you might die of dehydration. So be weary of all these things when booking that abandoned building show.

Step 2. Booking the Bands

Congratulations, you have a venue locked down and now it’s time for the fun to begin. Booking the right bands is paramount to putting on a great show. Below you will find a complete breakdown of what kinds of bands you need to make your show stand out.

Your Band

Of course your band is playing. But you aren’t playing first, that spot is for losers. Playing first is a death sentence. Everyone will either still be outside, or browning the merch table to see what they should pick up. The opening band might have a few loyal friends that will try to start a pit for them, but it will be a sad display and only serve to piss people off. Remember, you took the risk in booking this show, your band plays right before the headliner. It doesn’t matter that your set is only eight minutes long, you deserve this spot.

Your Friend’s Band

Yes, your friend’s band kind of sucks. You know it, they know it, but if you don’t book them they won’t book you. Besides, you never know if they might somehow defy the odds and get big and then you are in a primo spot to be their opening act. Everyone knows this won’t happen, and your friend’s band will break up when the singer fucks the drummer’s girlfriend and then lies about it. Then the drummer will try to be a big man and fight the singer, but the singer will beat the tar out of him and the drummer will be so demoralized he will move to New York and start a DJ night where he plays remixes of The Smiths songs. Also, your friend’s band makes for the perfect opening act. They better be grateful for this, and now they owe you a favor. It’s perfect.

The Feature

Time to book that up and coming band that everyone is hyped on. You want that band that the “cool kids” came to see. Maybe they just sent a demo to Pure Noise that is getting a little buzz, maybe they feature a former member of an actually popular band. Either way, this band could make or break the show. These bands can often be hard to book, they are starting to get opportunities all around your state. The best bet to lock them in is lie. Tell them Gorilla Biscuits is the secret headliner and when they show up just say GB canceled. No harm, no foul.

The Headliner

Great news, you just saw that your 37th favorite band is hitting the road and you noticed that in their tour announcement they have a few TBA slots. That is where you step in. Sure, your town is 90 minutes from the city they want to be playing, but beggars can’t be choosers. Now it’s time to start sliding into their DMs on Instagram and letting them know you can help them out. They might ask about a guarantee, all you need to say is “I guarantee you will have a good time” and they will be putty in your hands. If you can’t find a nationally touring band, don’t fret. Every scene has that one band of dudes pushing 45 that have opened for every good band in the world, but still have no actual following. They are your best option. Yes they might have played the same exact venue the night before, but they are willing to play again and you don’t have any other options.

Step 3. Promotion

You have made it this far, there is no turning back. Now is the time to let everyone know how stacked your lineup is.

The Flyer

If graphic design isn’t your strong suit then you will need a friend to help you out. Maybe you can entice them in doing some free labor for you by telling them they can get into the show for half price. Who wouldn’t jump at that deal. Make sure you include every band’s name. If one of the bands has opened for Terror six years ago feel free to mention Terror on the flyer. It can’t hurt. You will also need the date, time and place of the show. People are stupid. Hold their hand. Guide them to your show.

Once you have your flyer start printing. Hang them up all over town. Every telephone pole is a billboard. Go to the nearest record store and hang a flyer on their bulletin board with all the “drummer wanted” and “I will pay you to watch me jerk off” flyers. Finally, stand outside every show you can handing out a flyer to your show. People love that. Being handed a show flyer is the perfect mix of “thanks for this info” and “what the fuck am I supposed to do with this?” Don’t be afraid to forcefully stuff a flyer in someone’s pocket. People that don’t accept flyers are often too shy to admit they want one. Help them out. If they run, chase them. Don’t let any opportunities go by.

Facebook

Creating an event on Facebook is the best way for all your friends to let you know they are “interested” in attending. There is good news and bad news when promoting through Facebook. The good news is Facebook has 2.45 billion active monthly users. That is a hell of a lot of people that you can invite to your show. The bad news is that Facebook won’t show your event to a single fucking person in the world for free. Time to pay up. “Boosting” your show is a great way to potentially reach more people. For just $20 the Facebook algorithm might actually show your friends the flyer. But it probably won’t and you just gave $20 straight to Zuckerberg. Nice job.

Instagram

The photo sharing platform seems like the perfect place to promote a show. A nice flyer will really pop in anyone’s feed right? Wrong, Instagram is owned by Facebook and they want all your sweet sweet cash. Instead of paying Instagram any money just send your promotional budget to us at The Hard Times and we will scream the show info out of our window. You will probably reach more people that way than throwing your money into this black hole.

Twitter

Yeah, nobody goes to Twitter to learn about shows. You’re wasting your time even thinking about it. If you want to learn about negative engagement then post a show flyer to Twitter. The best way to get attention is to pin the flyer to the top of your feed, then accuse a prominent member of the scene of abuse. It’s organic, and it will draw eyes to your show. This may get you beat up, but you also might be considered a hero.

Step 4. Enjoy the Show

You’ve done everything right. The venue is locked down, the bands are booked, and everybody in the surrounding counties knows to come out to this blockbuster event. Nobody can take this away from you, other than the fire marshal. If you don’t make any money from your first show then try booking the next one as a charity event. People love to support a good cause and if you guilt the bands enough they won’t expect to be paid. Nobody will follow up to see if you actually donated the money, it’s the oldest trick in the book.

Song That Starts With News Clip Must Be Really Smart

Posted on by Henrik Persson

PITTSBURGH — The latest single by local punk band Dog Sniper used a sample of a “NBC Nightly News” telecast in a transparent attempt to signify the song will contain thoughtful and insightful lyrics, easily fooled sources confirmed.

“Most of Dog Sniper’s songs are about getting fucked up by drinking hand sanitizer, throwing firecrackers at birds, or puking in your parents’ bed. The kind of stuff any normal punks can relate to. But this one started off with some news clip about the Iraq war, so you know things are about to get deep,” said self-appointed superfan Mike Cheroux. “I know the United States didn’t invade Grenada for nutmeg thanks to Choking Victim, and I know that when I hear that clip they won’t transition into a song about smoking crack under a bridge. It’s a simple formula.”

Guitarist and chief composer Tim Hager said he would love for his music to have an impact on societal issues and that throwing a news clip in the intro is a great way to make people think you’re educated.

“The hard thing isn’t writing profound lyrics; I just use whatever is in my notebook and throw in some names like Damascus or Ted Cruz, and people will think I’m taking a political stand,” said Hager. “The trick is finding the right clip to set things up. Once I’ve found something that sounds enough like that boardroom scene in ‘Network,’ I just put 10 seconds of it in the intro, and the rest takes care of itself. News is cool that way; it makes anything sound smart. Using some Al Pacino dialogue or a scene from a Roger Corman movie doesn’t work, though. It’s gotta be news.”

Music ethnologist Milfred Petrovic, Ph.D. is a leading expert on punk and metal culture and said news sampling is a very efficient tool for songwriters to alert their fans to read the lyrics.

“We all know the somber acoustic intro means thrash mayhem is coming, or that 1-2-3-4 on the cymbal means it’s a chaotic uptempo banger,” said Petrovic. “Likewise, using short, out-of-context news snippets is a great way for bands to announce that they’re ‘getting deep’ and that the song might not explicitly deal with sniffing glue or eating roadkill. The song will usually boil down to something like ‘the government is bad,’ and punks eat that shit up.”

At press time, Dog Sniper were working on new lyrics about a lawsuit for unlawful use of copyrighted broadcast material in a song.

ACAB Including the Scooby Gang

Posted on by Ryan Danley

Well lookie what we have here. The Mystery Machine and its group of do-gooders. Running around, looking at clues, and chasing supposed “monsters.” It’s time we take a hard look and admit the Scooby Gang is just a bunch of fucking cops.

While they may not be badge-carrying members of law enforcement, Scooby and the gang sure like to get cozy with the local pigs in small towns. That alone makes them bastards, at least. At their absolute best they are still a coordinated group of snitches.

But it’s actually much darker. They’re operating as a private party mercenary group that isn’t beholden to the same rules as local law, making these meddling kids far more dangerous to our civil rights than even the police. Hell, we never saw how Fred actually dealt with those interrogations. These bastards have COINTELPRO written all over them.

Just take a look at Shaggy Rogers. This supposed dipshit walks and talks like some sort of beatnik, but then pals around with the cops on a first name basis. Clearly a drug informant. Oh, what? Him and the dog are rumored to be supposedly smoking pot in the back of the van? That’s exactly what they want you to think.

Before you start in with some bullshit about how they always arrest old rich white guys or whatever, remember that we never saw how sentencing was carried out. We know how this broken justice system works. Those guys probably got time served for the damn squad car ride from the haunted amusement park to the police station. There’s no justice being laid upon the feet of those assholes. Rather than sending those guys to comfy Club Fed, a real Scooby gang would have dealt with that shit on the street.

So next time you shout, type, or spraypaint “ACAB,” remember that this system won’t be truly just until we eradicate all of its enforcers. From the brutal tactics of ICE to the wolf in sheep’s clothing of the Scooby gang, oppression is the real monster in the shadows.

Counting Crows Clarify “Mr. Jones” Was Referencing Indiana Jones

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

BERKELEY, Calif. — ‘90s alt-rock band Counting Crows finally announced the subject of their hit song “Mr. Jones” is none other than Dr. Henry Walton “Indiana” Jones, Jr. of the “Indiana Jones” film franchise, after many years of public speculation.

“I personally always thought it was pretty obvious, but Counting Crows has always been heavily influenced by the character and the movie franchise based around him,” explained the band’s frontman, Adam Duritz. “‘Recovering the Satellites’ is a concept album based on fanfic I wrote about Indy being enlisted by the U.S. government to investigate ancient alien satellites, and our song ‘Rain King’ is pretty much a retelling of the young-adult novel ‘Indiana Jones and the Monsoon of the Gods.’”

“And yes, I know it should be ‘Dr. Jones,’” Duritz added. “Art requires creative choices.”

David Bryson, rhythm guitarist for Counting Crows, is familiar with Duritz’s inspirations, but remains true to the band’s creative influences.

“Adam is straight-up obsessed,” Bryson said. “He knows more about Indiana Jones than anyone I’ve ever met, and being in Counting Crows means you meet a lot of nerds. For a while, I thought it was just a running gag, but then he started showing me his fan-art of Indiana Jones teaming up with James Bond, and coming up with all these explanations of how ‘Kingdom of the Crystal Skull’ carries on the legacy. It doesn’t, by the way. Did you see those fucking CGI monkeys? Either way, that song’s still paying my rent, so who’s to complain?”

Vida Lankarani, a representative for George Lucas, affirmed the band’s superfandom.

“Mr. Lucas’ work is influential in many fields, and it’s unsurprising that bands would write music inspired by it. However, it is remarkable how Mr. Duritz managed to nail Mr. Lucas’ original vision of the character,” she stated. “While not public knowledge, the first script for ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ included an early scene in which Indiana strikes up a conversation with a black-haired flamenco dancer, and he originally was written with the catchphrase ‘I wish I was someone just a little more funky.’ Only a real Jones-head would know that, as fortunately, it didn’t make it into the final cut.”

As of press time, lawyers for Disney’s Lucasfilm division were investigating the Counting Crows back catalogue for misuse of intellectual property.

Review: GWAR “Scumdogs of the Universe”

Posted on by Dan Rice

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we cover “Scumdogs of the Universe,” the 1990 sophomore album from GWAR.

Musical appreciation is subjective and casts a wide spectrum. There are albums you love, albums you hate, and everything in between. But then there are albums so big, so woven into our cultural tapestry that judging them never even occurs to us. The White Album, Pet Sounds, Nevermind. These works are not albums, they are facts. They are undeniable. They are part of the zeitgeist forever. This is the level of relevance Gwar achieved with “Scumdogs of the Universe.”

Today alone, how many times have you said “What’s up scumdog?” to someone without even thinking about the phrase’s origin? What does it say about the impact of Gwar when children across the country who have never even heard of them gleefully flock to the playground to play “Sexecutioner” with the other kids? These are just a few of the many ways Gwar has shaped our cultural lexicon, all thanks to this classic, landmark album.

Hearing the first few notes of the opening track “Salaminizer” is like putting on a cozy sweater you’ve owned your entire life. It’s hard to even imagine that there was once a time when the lyrics “Ever since I was a scumdog, I blew a cum-wad, I need a mother-fucking suckadickalickalong!” did not exist. Think of how many movies, television shows and works of literature have referenced that one line alone, just from track one!

The next three songs on “Scumdogs of the Universe” are perhaps the most iconic triple hitter in rock history, “Maggots”, ”Sick of You” and “Slaughterama” The big three. Due to their oversaturation in bank commercials, Wes Anderson films and wedding receptions it’s easy to forget the genius behind these timeless masterpieces. In the immortal words of Oderus Urungus himself, “Putrid pus-pools vomit bubonic plague, the bowels of the beast reek of puke.”

While purists consider the group’s later output to be more “hip” and “cerebral,” There’s no denying that “Scumdogs of the Universe” cemented Gwar’s status as a cultural touchstone. Is it as complex and experimental as “This Toilet Earth?” Of course not. But for one brief moment in 1990, people from all walks of life joined hands and sang “Suck on the shitbag of what you created,” and that moment will echo into eternity.

Score: 666 Scumdogs out of 666 Scumdogs

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