KANSAS CITY — Missouri native Glenn Lawson, who was found guilty of reckless handling of a firearm last March, is nearing completion of his court-mandated firearm safety course, confirmed law enforcement officials
“There are bad people everywhere, and if they get their hands on a gun, the only thing standing between them and you are a few, brave patriots who compulsively carry deadly weapons everywhere they go,” said Lawson after leaving the ninth of twelve mandatory classes. “Now the problem is we have a bunch of government eggheads who think heroically firing your handgun in a crowded diner is ‘reckless endangerment.’ What they don’t realize is the attacker I was facing down could have been armed with an assault weapon, nerve agents, or even a vest strapped with explosives. I was the last line of defense.”
Lauren Cruz, an eyewitness to the incident that landed Lawson in legal trouble, gave valuable testimony during the trial.
“I was waiting in line at the Arby’s on Clingman Road. I guess a small bird had flown in when someone opened the door, and it knocked over a stack of cups behind where Mr. Lawson was sitting. Suddenly he makes this really high-pitched scream, dives under his table, and pulls out a pistol. The thing is still flapping around and he just starts firing blindly into the air,” said Cruz. “He was covering his head with his other hand and his eyes were shut the whole time while he screamed ‘Die mother fucker!’ The poor guy seemed terrified. Thankfully nobody was hurt, and an employee gently removed the bird using a piece of cardboard.”
Safety instructor Flynn Becker is no stranger to this type of behavior and admitted Lawson’s lack of knowledge regarding proper firearm safety is worrisome.
“The guy has no idea what he’s doing. Every attendee of my class has to take a multiple choice test on the first day to gauge where they’re at. He answered the question, ‘When holding a handgun, which direction should the barrel be pointing?’ by writing in, ‘Whatever direction the terrorists are,’” said Becker. “Then he used the back of each page to write a short story about how he can’t wait to bring his guns to heaven to show Jesus how easy it would be to kill the Romans. It was unhinged.”
At press time, Lawson was getting compliments from other members of his class because of his t-shirt that read, “If I charge, follow me. If I retreat, kill me. If I die, avenge me.”
GRAND CAYMAN, Cayman Islands — Disgraced actor Armie Hammer reportedly walked out of a Cannibal Corpse performance moments before the death metal icons introduced their last two songs, horrified witnesses confirmed.
“I thought something was off when I saw some preppy, muscular trust fund type standing at the barricade, especially when he kept licking his lips and staring intently at Corpsegrinder’s neck while the rest of us were headbanging,” said concert attendee Liam Campbell. “But then I recognized him as the Lone Ranger from ‘The Lone Ranger’ and the creepy actor with the cannibal fetish from a bunch of articles I saw online, so I kept my distance until he gave up and left.”
Concierge Mark McFields, who worked a shift with Hammer hours before the event, described Hammer’s behavior that evening as disturbingly excited.
“Death metal bands rarely come to the Cayman Islands on tour, so when Armie told me about his plans to see a ‘delicious’ show after work, I figured he was just really enthusiastic about the whole thing,” said McFields while grimacing. “I didn’t have the heart to tell him that they’re just normal guys, and I didn’t have the guts to tell some privileged oil fortune heir that he was wrong about something. Hell, even if I had the guts, he’d probably want to eat them.”
Upon learning of Hammer’s attendance at the show, Cannibal Corpse bassist Alex Webster issued a statement regarding the situation.
“Myself and the rest of Cannibal Corpse are disgusted by Armie Hammer’s presence at last night’s performance. Contrary to his misguided beliefs, we only condone cannibalism when the perpetrators are actual undead corpses, not living people, maligned celebrities, or anyone involved in the production of ‘Call Me By Your Name.’ Timothée Chalamet can hit us up for guest list whenever he wants, though.”
Hammer could not be reached for comment, but he was spotted near the concert venue asking where to find the juiciest ribs in the area.
No way. I’m not going to watch that stupid-ass movie. Have you seen the way people are roasting it on Twitter? I don’t know why I’d give up two hours of my life to what seems like an absolute piece of shit. Wait, hold up. What’s that up there in the corner? What does that Rotten Tomatoes score say?
It’s small but does that say thirty percent? That’s pretty rough. But, like, “it’s so bad it’s good” rough. Actually, let me look closer. Oh, holy shit! Is that a three percent? I don’t think I’ve ever seen a three percent before! Hot damn, I’m back in! Let’s watch that trailer!
Yikes, I didn’t realize that guy’s in it. I didn’t know he was even allowed to be in movies anymore. Wait. I’m already lost. What’s going on? They were in international waters doing some top-secret experiment but suddenly there are bats everywhere. Is this a Batman movie? And why is he suddenly killing everyone? I thought he was supposed to be the good guy.
I’ve seen enough. This trailer makes no sense. I can’t believe some studio sunk millions of dollars into this. That trailer was a complete nightmare, so I’m totally in! Let’s give this shitshow a spin!
There’s just one problem. I can’t find the rent button anywhere. Why can’t we rent it? Oh no. They know anyone who made it this far can’t turn back so they’re going to be forced to buy it. Whatever, I’m sure it’s just like $3.99 or something. Twenty dollars?! Jesus Christ, twenty bucks for a shitty fucking garbage movie like this! Eh, who am I kidding? I’m gonna go ahead and buy it.
NEW YORK – Local punk Chris Lanning was recently caught in the embarrassing act of cutting both an all-beef frank and blow with the same razor blade, disgusted girlfriends confirm.
“I guess sharing food and some hellride toot-toot is gross to some people. Sure, the hot dogs were ice-cold in the middle and my lines were brown and chunky, but I’m not complaining about a free meal and a bump,” Lanning cried while blinking uncontrollably and playing Scrabble against himself. “No way it was as good as ballpark blow, but those dogs gave our mouths something to do while we blasted off into–well, it wasn’t space, but it was at least Staten Island. If my girlfriend thinks this is weird, well, she shouldn’t be dating someone who’s nickname is Grease Rat.”
Despite the cross-contamination, Lanning’s girlfriend Lexi Green waited until she had done the free drugs to pretend to receive an urgent text from a friend.
“When I went back to Chris’s place, I thought we would order pizza, do some drugs, and screw, but it got fuckin’ whack when Chris started cutting hot dogs into thin little circles like they were for a 4-year-old,” Green complained. “I don’t understand why he A) cut the hot dog with a razor blade in the first place, and B) used the same implement for the blow instead of a credit card like a normal person. I don’t think he even wiped it off because the rail was super greasy. I think he snorted some mustard, too, which is when I knew I needed to pretend to be there for a friend.”
Former D.A.R.E. officer David Cunningham sees this story that’s reminiscent of a Limp Bizkit album as a cautionary tale.
“You should never go to someone’s house if they give a ‘cheap hot dogs’ vibe. If you can tell they’re going to give you white bread and ketchup like a babysitter from the 80s, you should bail,” Cunningham scoffed while distributing free brochures to children. “I never ride the white horse unless I see the product first and also have a direct line to the good Hebrew National franks. Otherwise, you’re in for a killer stomach ache on both accounts.”
As of press time, Lanning was spotted using the very same razor blade to shave his face, neck, and pubes.
The Monkees were NBC’s biggest posers besides so-called “cop killer” turned pig, Ice T. But they were far from the only bullshit artists to slither from the entertainment crypt to the recording crib. Here are 10 more bands that also started their careers as complete works of fiction.
Tool
What started as a top-secret experiment to see if humans and frogs could create a viable interspecies life form turned into a Grammy-winning prog rock band. As polliwogs, the four specimens displayed a great deal of rhythmic acumen—likely due to their bulbous throats and frog DNA–and were encouraged to make music to keep them docile. The band released “Opiate,” “Undertow,” and “Ænima” under the direction of government scientists, but the band escaped after eating everyone in the lab sometime in November of 1998.
Beastie Boys
Initially, the idea of three speech therapists getting together to rap after work was a perfect pitch for a family-friendly Friday night sitcom, but it turned out that the weirdos cast in the show could organically finish each other’s sentences. Unsurprisingly, the television show was scrapped after five episodes due to the rampant antisemitism of America in the 80s, but Rick Rubin and Russell Simmons knew they could turn these young men into their personal rap puppets. Eventually, Madonna set MCA, Ad-Rock, and Mike D free creatively by showing them her supernatural third nipple and releasing them from Def Jam’s stranglehold.
Deftones
The first Deftones sessions began as squad cars pulled up to a house that was filled with a bunch of ne’er-do-well pot dealers. When it was clear the cops were coming in, Chino and the fellas began playing the instruments lying around the home so poorly it repelled the drug task force. The band started playing shows in the hopes that the music would allow them to sell large quantities of brick weed in peace. Going legitimate was a surprise to even the band, but being able to play music without doing drug deals after the success of “White Pony” negatively impacted the quality of their music.
Weezer
The Southport Middle School science department went to a lab equipment conference in the mid-90s to perform some pop-punk versions of songs about microscopes. At first, Weezer only performed their geeky songs about phylum and electrons to teach kids in a fun way, but they got their first taste of success in Cincinnati and never looked back. Legend has it that all the lyrics for the blue album came from a notebook Rivers Cuomo confiscated from a skinny kid in the back of the class when he was drawing instead of watching his teachers shred riffs about the water cycle.
The Clash
Long before The Clash was combat rocking, they were rocking the fall 1975 line of combat boots for Silvermans Mile End Military Surplus Store. The group met at the photo shoot for the store’s catalog and only ever picked up instruments on the photographer’s insistence that they take a silly one. Once Joe Strummer started reading the store’s progressive anti-government catalog copy, this group of footwear models became a band.
White Zombie
In the beginning, the assignment was easy: be the band playing in the middle of a haunted house. The group of drug-addled vagrants that came to be known as White Zombie covered themselves in blacklight paint and got to work noodling Satanic versions of 50s seasonal classics for horny teenagers. What no one accounted for was that the band just fucking lived in that haunted house and kept playing louder and greasier even though Halloween was over and there was already six inches of snow on the ground.
The Grateful Dead
Before they were your step-uncle’s personality, this bunch of narcs were CIA field operatives looking for a covert way to infiltrate groovy San Francisco. Once inside, they used the band to complete government psyops and experiments until they got a little lost in their undercover personalities. To this day, former agent Jerry Garcia is the only band member to return to his former post and rejoin civilian life. The rest of the band marches on despite being led by some sort of middle-aged deviant sexual shaman.
Coldplay
Getting these bad motherfuckers all into one room at the same time was a dumb fucking idea because Chris Martin, Jonny Buckland, Guy Berryman, and Will Champion were tough sonsabitches that cut down men just for looking at them wrong. These street toughs were initially posing as a sad college indie rock band to get a gig inside a hotel they were going to rob. They successfully cracked the safe and walked away with enough loot to never have to work the streets again, so they decided to lay low and do the only thing that brought them any measure of joy: playing mediocre pop rock for people that could afford an iPod.
My Chemical Romance
Let’s get it straight: this band still doesn’t actually exist. Turns out the band is actually just a sentient mist created during a psychology experiment that’s haphazardly floated over New Jersey enough times to write a few songs about the cursed hellscape it is forced to forever drift above but never touch.
Radiohead
Radiohead began as a support group for young men chronically addicted to huffing air duster. Unable to do everyday tasks without the comfort of a hit of keyboard cleaner, their therapist suggested that each member play an instrument every time they thought of getting high. They started playing but never stopped hitting the canned air which is exactly why their music sounds like that.
Former NFL player and University of Georgia football darling Herschel Walker is currently running to be a United States senator representing the state of Georgia. We sat down with him to ask some questions about his campaign when he unexpectedly offered us $450 for an abortion.
Hard Times: Thanks for meeting with us today Herschel. Herschel: OK how would you like me to transfer you the money? Cash, check, or do you have Zelle or something?
What are you talking about? Don’t play dumb with me. Being dumb is my thing. Now you said $450 is what you need, correct? Because that’s less than I paid last time.
$450 for what? I’ve already got six unacknowledged kids running around, I don’t need a 7th.
Wait a minute, six? Up to this point, we had only heard about the four secret children. You’re telling me there’s more? Well, there certainly won’t be so long as you get the abortion and keep quiet. I’ll give you an extra $450 to stay quiet.
Umm Herschel, I don’t know who you think I am, but I never had sex with you and I am not pregnant. I’m a reporter from The Hard Times. Also, I’m a man? Yeah yeah, times are hard whatever. They’re going to be a lot harder for you if you do anything to sink my senate campaign.
Okay you sound like a very dangerous individual but I have to ask, didn’t you say that abortion is murder and anyone who gets one is a murderer? I say lots of things all the time. I’ve lived a long life and I’ve done lots of things. I was an FBI agent, I went to the moon in 1971, I graduated valedictorian from UG, I’m responsible for the dinosaurs dying, and I traveled around the world in 80 days in a hot air balloon. And that’s why you should vote for me for senate.
Herschel, do you have any idea where you are right now? Yeah, I’ll take the combo meal with a side of onion rings.
Oh wow. Sorry, I think my CTE is acting up.
And that’s the most coherent thing you’ve said all day. We’re going to leave before you say anything else that’s scary. I’m going to be a senator.
Ever since I discovered BDSM Tumblr as a youth, I have dreamt of dying at the hands of horned-up sadistic hellspawn. I dedicated my life to arcane studies, entrenched myself in the deepest darkest corners of the antiques black market and now, at long last, the Lament Configuration is in my hands. There’s just one problem — I have no fucking idea how this thing works.
Seriously there are no instructions with this thing, no apparent starting point, and really no clear objective of any kind! I’ve just been on my knees in a circle of candles touching it a whole bunch like I know what the hell I’m doing but I totally don’t.
I would like to embark on a fatal odyssey of the flesh in which pain and pleasure become one. I don’t see why I need to be good at Rubix cube/escape room bullshit to do it.
The ambiguously middle eastern street merchant I procured the box from was no help at all. The second I turned around to ask “hey how do you open this doo-hickey anyway?’ he and his tent of wares had vanished into thin air. Nice customer service, asshole.
If I press down on the big circle it clicks into place, and if I press it again it comes back up. That’s as far as I’ve got.
I don’t mean to question my lords and masters the Cenobites, but like what is the logic here? “Oh hey, before we start fuck/murdering you with hook chains and such, you’re good at puzzles, right?” Who the fuck cares, just torment me already! I am bored with every conceivable earthly pleasure, just take me on a voyage of suffering please, and thank you!
Please, if anyone has any tips or tricks for solving the Lament Configuration and exposing me to horrors and pain previously unimaginable, get at my dms, but only if you’re going to be helpful. Yes, I am a “noob,” I admit that freely. Yes, I’m “cheating.” I don’t care. I just want to open the box so that they can come. And so that I can come too if you get my drift.
COLD SPRING, N.Y. — The local corn maze at Humble Seeds Orchard reportedly caused a record 57 relationships to end in a single season, sources who never wanted to see each other again reported.
“Mark is such a fucking asshole,” said Hayley Hart after a recent breakup at the maze. “Today was a perfect example of how he never listens to me and has to be in control of everything. And then he blames me when we get stuck in a corn corner. I’m so done, I just wanted to have a cute fall day but as usual he has to ruin everything. The guy couldn’t even solve a single one of the cornundrums littered throughout the maze, and most of them were so easy. Now I have to ride the train all the way back to the city with him and it’s going to be so awkward.”
Humble Seeds Orchard proprietor Bill Bakeman started to grow concerned with the reputation the corn maze was bringing to his farm.
“Look, this is supposed to be fun time for everyone,” said Bakeman. “My family has been running this orchard for generations, and I’ll be damned if our legacy turns into a place where relationships go to die. I’ve got families with young kids coming by the dozens every weekend. I can’t have these couples who clearly are no good for each other swearing, crying, and Googling divorce lawyers in the middle of the maze. It’s bad for business, heartbroken people don’t buy pumpkins and they certainly don’t buy my famous apple cider.”
Relationship expert Julie Stout had little sympathy for all of the ex-couples leaving the corn maze in complete silence.
“There are plenty of other basic autumn activities couples can do together, although if you’re worried a simple corn maze could put your relationship to the test, maybe that’s a sign it’s time to break up,” said Stout. “I did the maze, it’s not that hard, so if you and your partner can’t work together to get through it you’re clearly not compatible. That’s why I did the maze alone just to be on the safe side. I get that everyone wants a partner to do fall things with and we’re approaching cuffing season, but I promise you’d probably have more fun doing these things alone or with a group of friends instead of your significant other.”
At press time, Humble Seeds Orchard had no choice but to deal with a young woman who seated herself in the middle of the corn maze and refused to move until her now ex-boyfriend apologized.
GRAND ISLAND, Neb. — Local doctor Harvin Smill found himself visibly sweaty this morning responding with a mumbled sequence of “uhhh yeah me too, totally, love the stuff” right after confirming his patient is sexually active, uncomfortable sources confirmed.
“I really don’t know what came over me. I was going through my normal checklist, and when I asked if the patient was sexually active I got a little flustered,” said Dr. Smill. “I could tell from just looking at him that this guy definitely gets laid, and I guess I felt a little pressure to let him know that I too love sex. Everything about it. In fact, I’ve had sex at least twice today. Just try to stop me from having sex, you can’t. It would be like telling the sun not to shine, that is how much I do it. And and and I’m really good at it, I should mention that as well, not only do I have a lot of sex, but I’m also quite the lover.”
The patient, Henry Pomen, easily saw through the doctor’s charade.
“I came in because I think I sprained my ankle and I just wanted the thing checked out and wrapped. But within minutes he was stammering and saying things like ‘You’re a sex pro, I’m a sex pro, everyone’s all good sex-wise,’” said Pomen. “I really have no idea why it even came up, but he told me things like ‘90% of the female vagina nerve endings are in one area’ and ‘condoms are available to purchase at pharmacies.’ He eventually told me he couldn’t wrap my ankle cause he had ‘orgasm hands.’ Pretty sure he made that one up.”
Smill’s colleague Dr. Olivia Harris admits she is sick of answering his sex-related inquiries.
“Every time a patient has a sex question, he sneaks over to ask me what he should say. For a guy that claims to get laid every night of the week he seems to be pretty in the dark about most things sex-related,” noted Dr. Harris, circling the lips on a human diagram for Smill to reference in the future. “One time a patient mentioned STIs and Dr. Smill just keep gagging and saying ‘fucking gross.’ I thought he was gonna resign.”
At press time, Dr. Smill was preparing for a three-week vacation visiting his “very horny” girlfriend in Canada, but claimed “you wouldn’t know her,” and her exact location is slipping his mind.
DUXBURY, Mass. — Local affluent teen Cody Milligan was confused by President Biden’s recent pardon of people arrested for Marijuana possession since he never knew it was illegal in the first place, confirmed dozens of local white teens who were just as confused.
“I don’t understand who these people are getting arrested for having weed. My friends and I blaze all the time and the worst thing that happened to us is when Officer O’Malley said he might tell my dad,” said Milligan. “It just seems weird that people would be arrested for something that literally everyone I know does on a daily basis. My buddy Skyler was selling a bunch of pills and when the cops caught him they just laughed and confiscated everything. It would have been weird if they arrested him since his dad is the chief of police.”
Cannabis decriminalization advocates were quick to acknowledge that punishment is not equally spread out across racial lines.
“Of course little rich white kids don’t have to worry about going to prison for simple possession. The only time someone like them goes to jail is if they rip off other rich white kids. They can hoard drugs and assault women all they want and the worst thing that happens is they get probation and maybe have to switch to a different Ivy League school,” said local attorney Thomas Stringer. “Meanwhile there are entire neighborhoods in the city where kids as young as 15 were being locked up for 25 years just for having a single joint on them. Just guess what the difference between the kids is, go ahead guess.”
President Biden made a brief statement shortly after the pardon.
“Listen up Jack, puffing on a little weed isn’t a crime. Hell, I smoke a big ass spliff before bed each night because it’s the only way I can sleep. Everyone needs to just chill out for a second, man,” said Biden while pulling up a “Pickle Rick” meme compilation on Youtube. “I’d like to personally invite everyone I pardoned to a little get together in the Rose Garden. Bring a drum or some bongos and we will have a rockin’ good time feeling the good vibes.”
Following President Biden’s announcement, former President Clinton lobbied the White House to endorse a firm “Eatin’ Ain’t Cheatin’” policy regarding adultery.
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