Avid Concertgoer Responds to Therapist’s “How Are You Feeling Today?” with “WOOOO!”

DALLAS — Frequent concertgoer Peter Logan once again was accused of not taking his therapy sessions seriously after responding with shouts and rounds of applause to basic questions, sources confirmed.

“It’s astonishing. I think Peter firmly believes life is a concert and he’s the biggest fan in the room. His behavior is made worse by the fact he always asks if he can stash his jacket behind the front desk and then asks the receptionist if we have any new merch,” explained Dr. Laura Truman, popular specialist in music-related delusions. “At the beginning of each session when I ask how he’s feeling, Peter always responds with a shrieked ‘WOOOOOO!’ while smiling and throwing up his index and pinky fingers. I try to explain to him why it isn’t acceptable behavior. Then he begins applauding me at four-minute intervals. When our session is over he usually chants ‘one more question’ until I shut the lights in the office off. Tragic but fascinating.”

Logan has been attending concerts multiple times per week ever since his tweens when older siblings would drive him.

“My therapist is going to put on such a good show today, I can feel it. The last few setlists have kinda been shit, so I’m due for a good one,” said Logan, who has begun stocking his apartment with clear plastic beer cups that fill up from a tap valve on the bottom. “Dr. Truman frequently closes with my codependent relationships, but a few weeks ago she opened with it which was a shocker. Recently, she had to go to a conference, so the concert was canceled. But I was able to get my tickets refunded.”

Peter’s behavioral shift is just the most recent evidence that frequent show attendance can lead to various personal, mental, and physical problems.

“I’ve been involved in the live music scene here in Dallas for years, and I’ve definitely seen it change people,” recalled show promoter and all-around scumbag Jeff Halls. “You got people woo’ing at funerals, in hospitals, and on the train. Then, others think it’s OK to mosh just because they can hear a jackhammer in the distance. Even worse, some people can become addicted and get really strung out, but that might be because I’m selling them smack at the shows.”

As of press time, Peter Logan is no longer a patient of Dr. Truman’s, as he attempted to follow his doctor on a West Coast tour which was actually just a family RV vacation.

Opinion: Yeah, I Support Women in STEM — Screamo, Thrash, Emo, and Mathcore

As a feminist, I believe that it is very important that women in STEM have opportunities to succeed in their fields. Whether their bands are considered screamo, thrash, emo, or mathcore, these chicks have been killing it lately, shattering the glass ceiling one breakdown at a time.

Sadly, women in STEM are commonly underpaid in comparison to their male counterparts. Sure, most dudes in these types of bands aren’t exactly raking in cash, either, but sometimes they get an extra drink ticket or two. Shouldn’t women get more drink tickets? Chicks love wine, right?

Women in STEM also have to deal with constantly being compared to other women in the music industry, even if their bands sound nothing alike. Not every woman sounds like Paramore. Some of them sound like Evanescence or Jinjer.

Okay, maybe those bands aren’t STEM either, but the singers are chicks, and sometimes they scream, right? That’s still more STEM than the pop stuff that Paramore have been doing recently — their last album didn’t even have gutturals!

It doesn’t help that Warped Tour, aka punk rock summer camp, is no longer traveling cross-country. Back then, women could see a few female-fronted bands in their prime provided the set times didn’t clash. What are we supposed to do now? Introduce girls to these subgenres ourselves? Look, I want my little sister to develop a decent musical taste, but if she scratches any of my records, I will kill her.

My point is that women in STEM need more role models to look up to. Schools should give out scholarships to girls interested in these subgenres, or at least gift them an I Hate Sex album or two on Bandcamp. If we get enough parents to rally the school board, we could even negotiate an increase in STEM funding and form some new acts for next year’s Battle of the Bands.

Right now, the average woman can’t even name three songs. That’s not a good look for our education system. Math classes in some states claim to follow a “common core” curriculum, but their outdated textbooks fail to educate kids about more recent mathcore bands like SeeYouSpaceCowboy and The Callous Daoboys. We have got to do better for our daughters.

Wait, you were asking if I support women in the sciences? What bands do they listen to?

5 Hot Takes About the MCU That Will Make the Judge Remind You This Is a Child Custody Hearing

The Marvel Cinematic Universe is the most popular movie franchise in the world, but that doesn’t mean the people in charge of it don’t have shit for brains. Kevin Feige could really turn the MCU into a success, if he would just respond to some brilliant Tweets and not send so-called “restraining orders.” Here are five hot takes on the MCU that will make the judge remind you firmly that this is a child custody hearing and not the place for pop culture observations!

Hot Take! Captain America needs to come back, but this time have the right opinions. Illegal immigration, voter fraud, judges trying to force men to share part-time custody against their will: All are un-American, and Cap should know it!

Sorry, your honor.

Hot Take! Kang should not be black, but Immortus should be. This isn’t a race thing. But everyone knows that as the descendent of either the Fantastic Four’s Reed Richards or “Doctor” Victor Von Doom, the time-traveling conqueror known as Kang should be white, otherwise Stan Lee will be spinning in his grave. But who knows what the rigors of excessive time travel could do, with the future version of Kang known as Immortus perhaps-

Oh man, what did her attorney just say? Fuck, every other weekend is my Me Time!

Hot Take! The Age of Ultron is the best MCU movie, despite what those dumbass, worthless kids say.

They don’t know fucking shit about the feature film work of the good and honorable Joss Whedon, your honor.

Hot Take! Thanos was right about his outfit choices. C’mon, your honor! Purple and gold are regal colors and appropriate for a #manking like the Mad Titan! Also, the children of Thanos weren’t even biologically his, and now that I think about it, maybe a DNA test is in order before you mandate any kind of parental support.

Hot Take! Superman needs to finally show up. Where was the Last Son of Krypton during the Snap? Or during the Sokovia Accords, which that terrible, woman-centered She-Hulk show reversed for no reason.

Your honor, I just want to say that it is clear that a man like myself has no business watching my own or any children. Just wait till you hear my opinions on the new Lord of the Rings show.

Seriously, I have some notes.

La Dispute Just Reading Ingredients Off Shampoo Bottle Now

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — Legendary post-hardcore band La Dispute confused fans with the band’s new lyrical direction by literally just reading ingredients off the shampoo bottle, troubled sources confirmed.

“I think it’s only natural to be weary and tentative when a band you’ve been following for years starts changing things up,” stated frontman Jordan Dreyer. “But I assure you that we are the same La Dispute you know and love. We’ve gotten better at our craft, and we’ve grown as people. First, I sang about relationships of my own. Then as I grew, I started writing in other people’s voices, and even making up stories about my own about my home state. 18 years in, I’m noticing the things in life that come from unassuming places, and they’re inspiring me. Today it’s a frenetic math-rock groove about Selsun Blue, but who knows what tomorrow will bring? Those Lunchables labels are off the chain, and those preservatives deserve a look too.”

Longtime fan Brian Skellack will continue to support the band but feels slightly cheated.

“La Dispute’s music got me through some tough times, but I don’t know about this one,” said Skellack. “I’ll still come out to shows and check them out, but I really hope they get back to their roots… and I’m not talking about Nanogen’s 7-in-1 Hair Thickening Treatment. Like most departure albums, I think they just need to get this out of their system, and we’ll be back to normal. If this truly is part of a personal journey, then it’s fine. But if I ever see them roll up with a V-05 decal on their van, I’m outta here.”

Lyric expert Donovan Miller believes that long-running bands need to take risks to feel creatively fulfilled.

“What we’re seeing here is nothing new,” asserted Miller. “Some bands find a new sound, some experiment with new instruments, and they kill it. Sometimes it’s more of a creative purge so they can get back on track. These La Dispute guys are still young, and they’re quite good. Let them read their labels, and be patient! This could unlock an entirely new era in their growth and fans will be singing along about sodium lauryl sulfate for years to come. And besides, there’s no way the new album could be worse than ‘Lulu.’”

At press time, Dreyer was seen shouting a poem about Liquid Glass in the automotive section of Walmart.

Photo by Chey Rawhoof.

You Go Girl! This Old Woman Is Still Driving Even Though She Probably Shouldn’t

Let’s get straight to the facts: strong, empowered women are incredible. From Kathleen Hannah to Michelle Obama to pretty much any roller derby player there is no shortage of feminist icons to inspire us. But there is an unsung hero out there who has preserved in the face of incredible odds. I’m talking about octogenarian Gertrude Tenenbaum of Levittown, Pennsylvania who after 60 years is still driving despite being a danger on the road to herself and everyone around her.

She’s paid her dues to society, so what if she drives 20 miles per hour under the speed limit? She worked two jobs and raised five kids, she can take all the damn time she wants. If anything, everyone else on the road should be getting out of her way.

Now I know you’re probably thinking, “can’t she just get around some other way” or some bullshit. In case you haven’t noticed, we live in a country that happens to hate public transportation. So unless someone can wave a magic wand and change our infrastructure overnight, you can’t blame this boss babe for driving the wrong way down a one-way road.

Gertrude’s not going to let anyone tell her what she can or can’t do: not her kids, not the assisted living orderlies, and especially not the government. Anyone who believes the state should step in and revoke this queen’s license might as well put her in a Handmaid’s dress. Think about the fact that in some countries women still can’t drive!

Think of the blinker that has been on for the past ten miles as a beacon of freedom.

Sure the insurance premium for her 2002 Toyota Corolla is $4K a month due to multiple moving violations, expired registration tags, not changing the oil for 15,000 miles, weekly fender benders, her pending vehicular manslaughter trial, and that time she crashed into a JOANN Fabric store. But that’s a small price to pay to not have to be relegated to taking the bus.

So if you see her on the road, salute this hero from a safe distance. Or at the very least, pull the stop sign out of her front bumper.

Rich Friend with Supportive Family Totally Understands What You’re Going Through

NEW HAVEN, Conn. — Your good friend of 17 years Bryce Evans once again proved that his immense wealth and family connections leave him unable to empathize with most real-world situations you face, confirmed multiple sources.

“I was trying to explain why I can’t go out every weekend. I mean, I’m a 32-year-old barista with a bachelor’s degree and $72,000 in student loan debt and no health insurance. Bryce looked me right in the eye and said ‘I know exactly how you feel’ just before he punched a hole in the wall because his family decided to go to Cozumél instead of Mallorca. We are not the same,” you commented, recalling that conversation from last week. “I had explained to him that if I kept spending money like that, I’d end up living in my car, which is a piece of shit, by the way. And then he talked about how he bought one of those Rivian trucks and how he thinks the cupholders are a weird size so he hates driving it.”

When asked to comment, Evans was confident that he could relate to your current financial issues.

“I really don’t know why they’re so upset, I mean, I get it you know, I lived in a car before; for our gap year, my boy Tucker and I rented this sprinter van and just like, hit the road. It was sick,” Evans said, reminiscing. “Me and Tucks once maxed out dad’s Amex at Mohegan Sun-–if they hadn’t already comped the room, we could have been on the street for like 32 hours—so I’ve struggled with money, too.”

Dr. Greg Aukerman, a former economics professor for the pair, provided some insight into the matter.

“I’ve been sitting at my desk for the past hour trying to convey a curated analysis of the relationship between Bryce and the less fortunate one, as I call him,” said the doctor. “But honestly there is no formal way I can put it… It’s kind of like ‘Good Will Hunting’ if Matt Damon wasn’t a genius and his best friend was that dick from the bar scene. I truly don’t understand it.”

At press time, Evans was in a blind rage trying to flip the floor-mounted table on the family yacht after spilling oyster liquor on his Ralph Lauren Khakis.

Record Number of Millennials Consider Suicide Cult From Midsommar to Be Retirement Plan

HALSINGLAND, Sweden — A new study revealed that the vast majority of individuals aged 26 to 42 consider the acid cult that kills people featured in the movie “Midsommar” as their only viable option for retirement, malaise-ridden sources confirmed.

“When I first saw ‘Midsommar’ I thought it was the scariest thing I’d seen in years. Then I saw that social security is set to dry up by 2035 and I thought, ‘you know, a suicide cult doesn’t sound all bad,’” explained Brit Snells, an unpaid intern to a part-time social media influencer. “At this point I’m gonna be paying off student loans until I’m two-hundred and forty, so taking a nosedive off the old people cliff when I’m in my seventies is way preferable. And in the meantime, I can have tons of psilocybin and colorful flower hats while I dance around a maypole like a brainwashed goon. Shit, now that I’ve said it out loud I may just retire early.”

Even millennials not burdened by crippling debt and bullshit employment appear to have committed themselves to the “Midsommar” cult.

“Both my parents are attorneys, so they paid for all my college, gave me a job immediately after graduating. Plus, they pay for my rent and all my other expenses. But the way inflation is going, I could save every cent I earn for the next forty years and I would still end up living in an abandoned subway car in New Jersey,” said Chuck Lightman. “My family actually has a summer home in Sweden already, so this is just a logical move. Plus, once my parents die, I’ll get a new family – you know, the cult.”

One cult elder, known only as Blern, shared his perspective on the cult’s growing popularity.

“We are happy so many are amenable to being burned alive in a big pyramid-like structure. Believe it or not, people used to be far less into that sort of thing,” said Blern. “We are already expanding the old lady sex room to accommodate so many and, if this trend continues, we won’t even need to abduct hapless tourists anymore. We still will, obviously – but we won’t need to.”

Snells later clarified that her employer actually charges her for the privilege of interning.

Game Show Network Cancels “Win Rammstein’s Money” After Set Burns Down Again

LOS ANGELES — The Game Show Network canceled the metal-and-pyro-themed “Win Rammstein’s Money” after the set burned to the ground for the fourth time this season, according to relieved sources.

“Here at the Game Show Network, we really wanted to be in the Rammstein business,” claimed Jeffrey Chambers, the cable network’s Head of Programming. “We were excited about this program and we put a lot of money behind it. But enough is enough. We had to draw the line after they accidentally damaged the ‘Family Feud’ set. I’d love to see you try telling Steve Harvey that taping is canceled because a bunch of BDSM freaks fired a penis cannon at his podium. Survey says, he was ready to kick their German asses.”

Rammstein responded to the news with disappointment but also a sense of wearied acceptance.

“This brings great shame to us and our German motherland,” admitted lead singer Till Lindemann whilst solemnly brandishing a ceremonial flaming sword. “Unfortunately, ‘Win Rammstein’s Money’ was an utter catastrophe from the very beginning. Apparently, in US TV studio, it is verboten to melt cameras and burn the contestants. This came as a huge shock to us, as in the motherland that is typical Saturday morning programming for kid and little baby. Also, we are very bad at trivia and lost a tremendous sum of money.”

Media analysts have begun weighing in on the ramifications of the cancellation, which could potentially start a wave of similar announcements.

“TV experts have been predicting this ever since the show’s premiere featured almost no trivia, but spent most of its run time on a fiery reimagination of the crucifixion of Christ,” noted Variety TV reporter Ashley Liu. “They got a lot of flak for that one, especially the part with all of the dildos. So you can’t really blame the network, and this could spell doom for other metal-themed game shows. For example, the writing is definitely on the wall for Gwar’s highly controversial ‘Who Wants to Behead a Millionaire?’”

As of press time, Rammstein was trying to patch things up with Steve Harvey by gifting him a set of metallic, flamethrowing angel’s wings.

Modern Day Evel Knievel? This Millennial Bike Messenger Can’t Afford Health Insurance

Picture it: The year is 1967 and legendary stunt man Evel Knievel prepares to jump his motorcycle over the fountain at Caesar’s Palace. Everything is going great. Big crowd, lots of excitement, and news crews were there to get the shot. Kneivel revs his Triumph T100 and then speeds for the ramp. He clears the fountain and is about to land when he loses his balance and begins to roll head over heels alongside his tumbling motorcycle like a scarecrow stuffed with grapefruits. He breaks a shitload of bones and spends the next few days in a coma.

Flash forward to 2022. Tyler Barry is just trying to get by in the great city of New York. Sometimes he delivers important legal documents across town. Sometimes he’s trying to get a burrito to a stoned NYU undergrad. Tyler weaves in and out of double-parked cars, moving trucks in the bike lane, and Ubers stopping suddenly to look for an address. Everything is going great until the dickhead on the E-scooter crosses the street without looking. Bam! Tyler winds up with a cracked rib after being launched over his handlebars.

So who wore it better? Evel Knievel had a team of paramedics and emergency personnel ready to descend at a moment’s notice. Tyler had to walk it off for a few blocks and try to ignore the stabbing sensation in his side for the next few weeks. Knievel had sponsors to cover his medical expenses while he recuperated. Tyler wrapped his abdomen in a thick layer of gauze and tried not to breathe too heavily. You see, Tyler only makes a little over minimum wage and to afford health insurance from the government, he’d have to fork over half his monthly pay. To be able to afford the COBRA payments offered from his last job he’d have to take out a small business loan to cover the premiums.

So who’s the real daredevil you might ask? I think we all know the answer.

Review: Cannibal Corpse “Butchered at Birth”

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we’re taking a look at Cannibal Corpse’s second album, “Butchered at Birth.”

Societal norms change over time. What was acceptable or even praised in decades past may now be considered offensive and unacceptable. I mean, have you rewatched “Sixteen Candles” recently? If Gen Z finds that movie, I think John Hughes might actually go to jail.

Which brings me to my review of “Butchered at Birth.” I hate to be the one to say it, but after revisiting this 1991 release from the iconic death metal band Cannibal Corpse, I must say it’s a tad…problematic.

I knew I was in for some questionable content when the first song’s opening lyrics declared, “Butchery, my meat hooks sharpened to penetrate/Emasculate, gouging crotches I will eat.” This was an immediate red flag, as lead singer Chris Barnes neglects to mention whether he got consent before gouging and eating the aforementioned crotch.

Upon further consideration, I noted that the song is titled “Meat Hook Sodomy” and the album’s cover depicts two ghoulish butchers performing what appears to be an abortion on a mutilated female corpse. At this point, I started to think Cannibal Corpse might be in even hotter water than Chrissy Teigen was after those cyberbullying tweets.

My worst suspicions were only confirmed by tracks such as “Covered with Sores” and “Rancid Amputation.” For a moment I was encouraged by the fact that almost every song describes a female character, but I quickly realized that none of these women were empowered. In fact, most of them were dead and yet appeared to be thought of as a potential food source.

A close read of the lyrics doesn’t do the album any favors, either. The song “Innards Decay” makes frequent mention of tearing through meat and chewing limbs without ever pausing to reflect on the cruelty of industrial livestock production. And I’m not even sure what “anal grouting” is, but you’re definitely not supposed to be doing it in 2022.

I like to think of myself as pretty sex-positive, but “Butchered at Birth” features acts of sexual gratification that are not only in poor taste, but, dare I say, insensitive. I mean, chewing on bleeding stumps? In this political climate?

Unfortunately, I just can’t recommend this album in good conscience. While this may have been considered family entertainment in the dark ages of the early ‘90s, times have changed. So scoot over Matt Damon, because I think Cannibal Corpse might be joining you on the #canceled bench.

Score: 4 out of 5 offensive old Tweets

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