Opinion: I Just Want Things To Go Back To Normal and Stuff a Chicken and a Duck Inside a Turkey’s Asshole

It’s safe to say that COVID changed everything. Life as we used to know it feels like a distant memory and it’s hard not to be nostalgic for the way things were, especially at a time when the entire world gathers to pick a side based on where they grew up and cheer on the utter destruction and degradation of the other. And much like the election, the Super Bowl will look a lot different this year. But personally, all I care about is when I can finally go back to my yearly tradition of stuffing a chicken inside of a duck and then shoving that unholy duck-chicken combo inside a turkey’s asshole.

Just think, last year at this time we were all gathered around the TV drinking beer, while I’m in the kitchen, carving into a deep-fried poultry abomination and performing crude act-outs at guests. Now we’re too scared to go outside without a mask on let alone recreate The Human Centipede but with three different birds. Can we really even call this living? This whole situation is giving me serious “The Road” vibes.

I understand things are serious right now with COVID still raging, but I can’t be the only one who still wants to hang on to some semblance of American normalcy. We’ve already lost movies, concerts, and being shitty to waiters, and now I can’t even use a sport I kind of understand as an excuse to get drunk and assemble a horrifying monster that embodies all the sins of man?! This is not the America I remember. In that America, we could watch two football teams compete (WITH FANS IN THE STANDS) while eating both their mascots in one delicious hy-bird.

It’s time to get back to the way things were when we weren’t living in lockdown and afraid to exert our grotesque dominance over poultry. We need to stand up as God-fearing, bird-hating Americans and say “NO MORE!” No more fear. No more restrictions. And most of all, no more birds that aren’t cooked inside other birds!

If we’re ever going to get back to normal, we’ve got to move forward, not backward. And the only way to do that is to gut a dead chicken, jam that fucker inside a duck’s corpse, then grease it up and slide the whole thing up a turkey’s hollowed-out asshole. It’s time to cook up a hot, juicy batch of freedom, and buddy, I’ll see you in line for seconds.

Marjorie Taylor Greene Breaks Ground on Holocaust Denial Museum

WASHINGTON — GOP official and QAnon superstar Marjorie Taylor Greene announced she will be breaking ground on a museum dedicated to the denial of the Holocaust, horrified onlookers reported.

“It is high time we speak the truth about what didn’t happen in Europe during the Nazi’s phenomenal ten-year run. It’s simple really — we know the Jews control all media so naturally they’re going to hire millions of crisis actors to tell the world that they’ve been victimized,” said Green, digging alone in an abandoned lot. “We’ve been working closely with 8chan and Parler’s best researchers to bring these exhibits to life. Soon, the world will know that a then 13-year-old George Soros was masterminding the scam of the century.”

QAnon supporters across the country were thrilled with Greene’s initiative to uncover the Jewish conspiracy to make Hitler look bad.

“I’ve never been to a museum that didn’t involve NASCAR, but damn if I’m not gonna make the trip to see this one. I knew something was fishy, like how can the Nazis find time to disappear six million Jews when they were busy revitalizing the economy and killing ANTIFA members?” said Ohio resident, Jessup Brown. “I heard they already got some pro-Holocaust existence museum in Washington but that’s just the command center for that Jewish space laser Ms. Greene warned us about. Don’t believe what those tour guides tell you.”

Despite near-universal support from the GOP, many residents of the District of Columbia were not thrilled with Rep. Greene’s endeavor.

“This is a joke, right? My actual fucking Grandmother spent two years in Auschwitz. I don’t remember her telling me stories about being a paid actor or tattooing serial numbers on her own arm,” said local business owner Nadia Hein. “It’s just crazy to see her dedication to this thing like she’s out there pouring the leveling concrete herself in the middle of February. If she freezes to death I’m sure her supporters will say she was killed by the Jew-controlled weather machine.”

At press time, Rep. Greene was seen submitting a permit to build a second story onto the museum for a children’s exhibit about the non-existence of school shootings.

Why We’re Replacing Review Scores With a Photo of Either an Approving or Disapproving Parent

As any self-respecting video game review reader knows, reviewing video games is really hard work and nothing hurts more than when someone loads up the article for a new review, scrolls all the way to the bottom, and reads just the score out of ten. Even now, despite this not being a review for a video game, I can sense most readers will see the word “review” in the headline, scroll to the bottom, and find themselves confused to discover there’s no score at the bottom. 

To say the least, it’s demoralizing and belittles the work we do to analyze a game for its artistic merit, which is why many websites have been removing scores entirely from their websites and replacing them with a “recommend” or “don’t recommend.”

Here at Hard Drive, we like to take things a little bit further and more seriously than other video game websites. As such, we are also removing scores from our video game reviews, but instead of a simple “thumbs up” or “thumbs down,” we are going to be rating all video games with either an Approving Parent or a Disapproving Parent.

Here are some reasons why we think this will be a superior system over review scores:

  • They encourage you to make your own assumptions about the game we reviewed, instead of simply taking our score and assuming that’s how good or bad the game is. 

 

  • Gamers are less likely to write death threats to our writers who gave a GOTY a 7/10, having seen a photo of the mother or father of the person who wrote the review.

 

  • People on Reddit can’t say we ripped off Polygon.

 

  • It motivates our writers to think more about the work they put into their reviews, like placing a mirror in front of a candy bowl on Halloween so that would-be thefts have to contemplate their own reflections before taking a number of tootsie rolls, because (even if their own parents won’t read their reviews), now a photo of their mother will.

 

  • It reminds readers of their youth, like video games themselves, which are tools to bring us back to the days of our species past, when our job was simply to learn how to solve puzzles (which, in turn, makes readers stay on our website for a crucial 15-20 seconds longer, which absolutely rules for our ad numbers). 

 

  • It’s funny to force our parents — who said we would never get a job one day if we spent our youth playing video games — to now become a part of the job we got from playing video games our whole lives.

 

  • We don’t have to pay some freelance artist to make us a “thumbs up” and a “thumbs down” graphic.

So there you have it. We hope you now read to the bottom of our articles, instead of just scrolling there immediately. You know, that is the 5% of you who actually click the link from Twitter in the first place. We give this website 3 more months.

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REPORT: Man Has No Idea How Quickly He’ll Be Dumped After COVID

DALY CITY, Calif. — Local man Kevin Aguilar is completely unaware that his seemingly happy, long-term relationship will come to a swift and decisive end as soon as COVID-19 is under control, sources within the relationship confirmed.

“Things with Sarah [Duncan] and I have never been better. We’d been pretty casual before corona, but we moved in with each other to save some money and it’s been heaven on Earth,” said Aguilar while browsing for engagement rings. “I know a lot of people around the globe are suffering, but selfishly, this has been a blessing for me — I’ve often had trouble maintaining relationships because I’m told I’m argumentative, stubborn, and that my personal hygiene needs a complete overhaul. But none of that matters to Sarah. She’s a blessing, and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with her.”

Conversely, Duncan is counting down the days until she is vaccinated and society returns to a somewhat normal state.

“I thought I could manage it, but then he started working from home, and he’s worn the same basketball shorts each day and they’re basically see-through now. It looks like he’s wearing mesh wax paper,” said Duncan, while sitting in a nearby park in order to avoid going home. “He refuses to clip his toenails because he made a bet with his friend to see who can grow theirs the longest, and these things shred our bed sheets — once they cut my leg so bad I thought I needed stitches. I’ve been saving money to get a studio apartment, and I can’t wait to look him right in the eyes and say, ‘I fucking hate you so fucking much. Delete my number.’ What a waste of a fucking year.”

Relationship experts across the country say this is a very common occurrence.

“There is a fallacy people fall into where they mistake proximity for intimacy: they believe that living with a person is the ultimate expression of love,” said psychologist Don Higgins. “We expect to see a record number of single people once the country is vaccinated, and the fuck fest the country will enter into will be nothing like we’ve ever seen. Condoms will be hoarded like toilet paper, bed frame durability will be tested like never before, and we will see such a spike in STDs that people will likely be on hold with Planned Parenthood for months.”

At press time, Duncan was seen sending envelopes full of cash to Pfizer, Moderna, and AstraZeneca in hopes the money will help them ramp up production of the vaccinations.

Jesus Helped Me Quit Alcohol and Now It’s Time for Me To Help Him Do the Same

When I was deep in the throes of my alcohol addiction it felt like there was no hope for me. It felt like the whole world rested on my chest and the only thing that could lift the weight was the contents of a bottle. That’s when I found a friend in Jesus who helped me to kick the habit and shed that weight. Now I see that my friend is having some trouble and it’s my time to return the favor.

I knew things were getting bad when I last took communion and the wine transformed into blood, as we all know happens. Except the blood I was drinking actually contained more alcohol than the wine which was just transubstantiated. When I prayed to ask him about it he got all cagey and insisted he didn’t have a problem. He then made some statement about how only God could judge him. I then pointed out that I talked to his Father as well and he shared my concerns.

Honestly, I can’t blame him for taking up the habit. He comes down to Earth and tells everyone that they should love each other and practice pacifism. Instead, they crucify him and then spend the next 2000 years killing in his name. I wonder if there’s some survivor’s guilt because he got resurrected but all of those others didn’t. I can only imagine what those other people are praying for as well. How many people ask to win the lottery despite Jesus saying people shouldn’t love money? I doubt they plan to give it all away.

We tried having an intervention and I even got all of the archangels involved. Of course, when we asked him to sit down he threw a fit. He put the archangel Michael in a headlock, turned Rafael into a goat, and for good measure again rained fire down on the place where Sodom was located. Did you know that Pittsburgh used to be Sodom? Crazy.

Now lots of people like to blame the devil for their problems when they’re struggling. Good Lord Jesus knows that I did. However, I think it’s important we leave Lucifer out of this. He tried to tempt Jesus before and we know he has the ability to say no to the temptations of the devil. This is a problem that Jesus has to be willing to take on without blaming others. Except he doesn’t have to do it alone because I’m here for you Jesus. Let’s beat this together.

Aging Hardcore Kid Afraid if They Crouch Down for Crew Photo They Won’t Be Able to Stand Back Up

BILLERICA, Mass. — Local Brick Fist Boys crew member Sean Webster stood with his arms crossed in a recent photo for fear that he wouldn’t be able to return to an upright position after crouching, intimidating and tattooed sources confirmed.

“I’ve always been one of the smaller guys, so I usually crouch right down in front with Little Tim. But years of moshing have taken a toll on my joints, and once I take a knee, I’m down there for a while,” said Webster, while using a foam roller on his lower back. “I want to try to get some strength back in my knees by riding a bike or something, but if any of the guys saw me riding around like some townie with too many DUIs I’d be laughed out of the crew. So I’m just gonna keep taking my dog’s glucosamine and see if that helps things.”

Long-time crew member Danny “Chubbs” Franklin noticed Webster’s sudden reluctance to take his place in the front of the photo.

“Traditionally, we’ve all assumed the same position in each photo we’ve ever taken together. When someone suddenly goes rogue and takes a new pose and position, it throws off our whole chemistry,” said Franklin. “I get the desire to mix things up — I get a little sick of being the guy wearing the blue Red Sox hat in each photo — but Frankie is the scally cap guy, and I’m not stepping on his toes. Whatever [Webster] is going through, he needs to work that shit out ASAP.”

Lowell General Hospital’s lead rheumatologist Dr. Vivian Wise has treated hundreds of aging hardcore kids for joint pain.

“The people I treat have done some serious damage to their bodies thanks to botched stage dives and countless hours in the pit for their friend’s bands,” said Dr. Wise. “To ensure the best chances of living a pain-free life, I suggest that my patients bring a folding chair to shows so they can give their legs a break, and to ask for assistance when crouching in photos if it absolutely cannot be avoided.”

Webster still holds out hope that the rest of the crew will accept his new position, and is preparing to ask if he can be the one guy giving the camera the finger from now on.

Nintendo: Mario Will No Longer Come Back to Life Starting Next Week

KYOTO, Japan — A Nintendo press release has revealed that after decades of work as video games’ most iconic mascot, Mario will soon be dead forever.

“We have been delighted in sharing the adventures of this smiling, super-powered Italian plumber with you,” the release read. “With this in mind, we must announce that we will end our year-long celebration of Mario with his eternal exit from this mortal realm. Starting next Monday, Mario will no longer come back to life.”

“You will get one Mario. That’s it,” the announcement elaborated. “Once you make a mistake, the game is over. Mario will leave this world at 35, the same age as Christ.”

The initial backlash on social media was swift and negative. Longtime fans bemoaned the situation felt like “losing a family member” and frantically asked what the news would mean “for the Smash community.”

To assuage the angry online crowds, Mario creator and game director Shigeru Miyamoto offered clarifications. Said Miyamoto, “This decision is not a metaphor or some artistic message about the preciousness of life. This is what Mario himself wants.”

“Mario has been eager to die for many years,” explained the legendary game designer. “But he cannot die, because he did something very bad many years ago. I cannot tell you what he did. But I am happy to say Mario has recently repaid his karmic debt and may now pass on.”

“Please play as much as you can this weekend. After that, Mario will rest,” finished Miyamoto.

Nintendo has advised that Mario’s respawning will end at 12:15 a.m. Japan Standard Time. Luigi, dead or alive, will be buried alive with his brother, in accordance with Miyamoto’s wishes.

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Our Recovering Addict Friend Started Wearing a Tuxedo Everywhere and We Can’t Tell if This Means He’s Doing Better or Worse

Sometimes in the punk scene, a friend will take the partying too far and all you can do is be supportive when they get clean. Here’s the problem, our buddy is acting super different, but we can’t tell if this is just him reaching his full sober potential or a direct result of doing tons of cocaine. What I’m trying to say is he has begun inexplicably wearing a tuxedo everywhere.

I first noticed it during a bonfire in the woods. I hear a voice say “hey,” so I turn around and freak out because all I see is 6 feet of tuxedo and I thought it was Slenderman. It’s actually my newly sober friend Justin, who after that initial shock, seemed like he was doing well. I was like “hey man, you doin ok?” He then gets this big grin on his face and goes “oh I’m BETTER than ok. I am LIV-ING-THE-DREAM.”

Now nobody who isn’t on a shit ton of cocaine says things like that, but this guy did supposedly just kick a severe addiction so a little bit of mania is probably normal, right? Perhaps there is a point in sobriety where you feel so good you look indistinguishable from someone tweaked out of your goddamn mind.

A few days later Justin invited me to check out one of his new sober activities, helping out at Habitat for Humanity. Justin was incredible! But like, maybe a little too incredible? Everyone kept saying things like “We can’t keep up with this guy” and “Where does he get the energy?!” and I started to wonder where was he getting the energy? I tried bringing it up to him and all he said was “Helping others just gives me this huge rush you know? GOD, do you smell that sawdust? Makes me feel alive! Makes me HORNY!” Keep in mind, during this entire scenario, the dude was still wearing his tuxedo.

It’s been about 3 weeks and you would think the tuxedo would be worse for wear at this point but it isn’t. I don’t know if he owns multiple tuxedos or he’s just really good at home dry cleaning. What I do know is that according to his roommates, on the rare occasion that he sleeps he sleeps in a tuxedo and when he wakes up he goes straight to the gym, in said tuxedo.

The kicker of it all is that his rock bottom was showing up to his sister’s wedding in ripped jeans and a dirty t-shirt. Maybe this is his way of atoning for that?

I’m probably not going to say anything. Even if he is on drugs again, he’s really helping people and looks fabulous doing it. If he isn’t on drugs, well watching him move that fast makes me feel like I am. At the end of the day he seems happy, productive, and I’m thankful he hasn’t become one of those straight edge assholes who judge me while I do whippets in the middle of Barnes and Noble.

Paul McCartney Wishes People Would Ask Him A Question About Wings Every Once in Awhile

RYE, UNITED KINGDOM — Legendary musician and founding member of the Beatles Paul McCartney admitted today that he wished someone would occasionally ask him about his time playing and performing with Wings, confirmed multiple sources close to the knighted artist.

“I get it that people want to ask questions about the Beatles — we did change the bloody world, after all. But it’s always the same questions: ‘Who really broke up the Beatles?’ ‘Is the original Paul dead?’ ‘Did you actually sleep with Soviet Premier Nikikita Khruschev’s wife?’ I’m sick of it,” said a slightly annoyed McCartney. “Besides, I performed with Wings for just as long as I performed with the Beatles… during which time, we had five number-one albums, 14 top-10 singles, and 11 grammy nominations. Look, if the Beatles were as big as Jesus, then I’d say Wings was basically Muhammad or Buddha by comparison.”

Former Wings and Moody Blues guitarist Denny Laine understands Paul’s frustration, but feels like McCartney needs to let this go.

“Do you know how many people ask me about Wings? Not a single goddamned one. All they ask me about is the Moody Blues… or at least, I imagine they would if anyone recognized me,” said Laine while strolling down a crowded street without a single person giving him a second look. “Seriously, when I tried to get interviewed by Howard Stern, they thought I was senile when I claimed to know Paul McCartney, and they kicked me out of the studio. Meanwhile, everyone knows who you are, Mr. ‘The cute one of the Beatles.’ Count your blessings, man, and be happy you were never reduced to a Vegas act.”

Self-identified Beatles aficionado and superfan Elliot Roper was confused to learn that McCartney made music outside of the Beatles.

“I’m sorry… you said it was called Wings? Like the sitcom from the 90s?” said a confused Roper. “They had how many hits? Look, I’m sorry, I just don’t know what you’re referring to. Live and Let what? Huh. Well, I’m willing to give this Wings a try if it has Paul’s backing, but only after I listen to the ‘White Album’ for the 100th time for secret messages. Call me crazy, but I think John Lennon was talking directly to me.”

Conversely, handlers for Ringo Starr say he is desperate to be asked a question in general, regardless of the topic.

How Changing Their Slogan From “Piss-Shittin Bad” To “Finger Lickin Good” Helped Save KFC

Between 1952 and 1964 KFC went from being a roadside stand to a thriving chain of sit-down restaurants. Today it’s the second-largest fast-food chain in the world but in the 1970s they nearly went bankrupt.

By changing the long-time, objectively true slogan “Piss-shittin bad” KFC altered the way America perceived its product and paved the way for an empire. The Hard Times has tracked down the people who ran the company at that time and assembled a sort of oral history of how the companies current, less volatile slogan “Finger lickin good” came to be.

Anthony Carmichael, KFC President 1967-1982

At first, I was pretty hesitant to changing our slogan at all. The Colonel believed in honesty, and that slogan had honesty in spades. But, as someone pointed out to me, the Colonel believed a lot of things that we as a company had walked away from. The original slogan was “White meat for white elites,” so, I guess change is good.

Roger Hainsman, KFC Sales Director 1969-1978

At the time we figured a warning label would make our product more enticing. It worked wonders for the cigarette industry. We considered frying the chicken in nicotine but everyone in the test market died so we didn’t do that. There’s a reason for the saying “Dead men buy no chicken.”

Daniel Moore, KFC Marketing Chief 1968-1997

The ‘70s brought competition. Popeyes and Bojangles were kicking our ass, and they were doing it without a single allusion to liquid diarrhea. It was time to face the fact that the game had changed.

Bob Heartly, KFC Operations Manager 1962-1976
They brought in some slick Madison Avenue ad man who told us “If you don’t like what’s being said, change the conversation” I told him I liked what was being said and he goes “Oh, you like poop?” and I was like “Yeah.” That guy was an asshole.

Daniel Moore

I was just sitting at home watching a television program where a character was eating a candy bar and I thought “What if we focused on the part where our chicken goes into the body?” When you really think about it, that’s the part people really seem to enjoy.

Bob Heartly

To this day it’s sort of insane to me that getting people to focus on the part where you eat the chicken ever worked at all. That’s like saying the best part of doing cocaine is the smell. It’s putting the cart before the piss-shit horse in my opinion, I don’t care for it.

Roger Hainsman

After months of brainstorming, workshopping, and focus grouping we finally had our new slogan: “This is good tasting chicken.”

Bob Heartly
They said “we’re going to film a television commercial” and I said, “You can’t show someone having painful diarrhea on television!” They fire back with “No no, we’re just going to show the part where he eats the food.” Apparently, that was fine by the FCC but in my opinion, it leaves very little to the imagination.

Enrique Mascarpone, Commercial Director

During the commercial shoot, our actor’s hand got so greasy that he resorted to licking the grease off of his fingers. I fired him immediately. It was a professional shoot, and he was behaving like an animal.

Daniel Moore
After that actor was rightfully terminated I started thinking it was pretty cool that our food was so tasty it caused a man to lose his sanity and publicly lick his own fingers. Maybe there was something there.

Roger Hainsman

We had to go back to the drawing board, and after 4 more months of brainstorming, workshopping, and focus grouping we finally had our new, new slogan: “This chicken made a man lick himself and he is insane now.”

Anthony Carmichael

We were insanely over budget and only had enough money left for a three-word slogan, hence “finger lickin good.” Lucky for us the average American is smart enough to read between the lines. They read those words and they think “That chicken is so good that it made a man lose his mind and lick himself. He is a bad man who is in jail now and I deserve to eat all of that man’s chicken.” How else do you explain our success?