Hardcore Frontman Unrecognizable After Not Hitting Gym For Entire Pandemic

Posted on by Gary Doyle

CHICAGO — PUSHback frontman Chris Sheppard is now completely unrecognizable to his close friends and peers after not having gone to the gym throughout the entirety of the COVID-19 pandemic, judgemental sources confirmed.

“It seems like forever since we all last saw each other, so we didn’t know how small he’d gotten. It looks like his hair is too big for his head or something,” said Sheppard’s bandmate and guitarist Jesse Hopkins. “When he showed up to that first practice, I thought we’d gotten a new merch guy to push around… which would have been useful since we accidentally left the last one at a roadside bathroom during the last tour and just never went back for him.”

“He’s definitely a lot more nimble, and I’ve never seen him jump so high,” Hopkins added, “but we’re still considering whether he should stay as frontman because no one wants to be told to ‘fuck shit up’ by a dude who looks like a light breeze would knock him over.”

Sheppard’s fans were equally shocked.

“He looked so small, I thought the store had gotten bigger since the last time I was here,” recalled scene member and long-time PUSHback supporter Joel Rivera, who ran into the shrunken frontman at a local grocery store. “He reminded me of a kid trying on his dad’s suit… if the suit was a sleeveless XL Bane T-shirt, and the kid was 6’4 and 32-years-old and covered in shitty tattoos and working in a gas station.”

For his part, Sheppard is accepting and embracing the changes.

“My local gym has been open the entire time, but I couldn’t go since I’m back home living with my mom, who’s at high risk,” explained Sheppard. “I did everything I could think of to try to keep my muscle mass, but my basketball shorts just kept getting looser and looser. Dropping all that mass I’d worked to gain over the years was definitely hard at first, but I can rotate my shoulders again, and I’m saving a ton of money by not eating 6,500 calories a day. Honestly, if it wasn’t for my girl Yoga With Adrienne, I don’t know where I’d be.”

At press time, Sheppard was seen drying his tank tops on high heat for two hours in an effort to shrink them to an appropriate size.

Hades Player Horny for Every Character Might Just Be Horny

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — A new study released by researchers at St. Joseph’s College has revealed that Hades players who are horny for all of the indie game’s various Gods may just be “regular horny.”

“Is it just me or is everyone in Hades kinda hot?” said player Robin Celestino, one of hundreds of similarly affected players who participated in the groundbreaking study. “I don’t know, maybe it’s just the fact that I haven’t so much as hugged another human being in a full year, but I would definitely hook up with Zagreus. Or Ares. Or really anyone at this point.”

Celestino was part of a group of 500 Hades players that were studied by researchers as part of the groundbreaking study. Subjects were shown different photos of Hades characters and asked whether or not they experienced sexual feelings for them. The majority of participants answered “yes” to each character, including Dusa, Skelly and Sisyphus’ boulder.

“We actually slipped in some pictures of other characters as a variable,” said lead researcher Dr. Jermaine Holland. “Every three or four images we’d just drop a picture of Halo’s Cortana or the Doomguy and subjects wouldn’t even flinch before saying yes. It’s like they weren’t even registering any of the pictures we showed them. They were just there to confirm that they would like to have sex at all.”

Dr. Holland also noted that the participants had positive reactions whether the pictures being shown were official graphics or fanart portrayals. In some cases, fanart had an even stronger effect. Some participants in an experiment group were exclusively shown DeviantArt uploads of Resident Evil Village’s Lady Dimitrescu, which caused some to pass out immediately. 

“I would fuck Sly Cooper,” said test subject Jules Meza, completely unprompted.

Despite being universally horny for just about every video game character shown to them, 100% of participants said they would not have sex with Lesuire Suit Larry. Test subjects agreed that the character was too desperate for sex, which they largely considered a real turn off.

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Desperate Man Settles for Girl in Short Skirt, Appropriately Sized Jacket

Posted on by Neel Bhakta

LAS VEGAS — Desperate 40-year-old man Duke Durado miserably settled last week for a girl in a short skirt and appropriately sized jacket after years of saving himself for another, relieved sources confirmed.

“Yeah… Kerry’s alright, I guess, but she’s not really checking all the boxes for me. Sure, she always has on a short skirt, but she only wears this one jacket and it fits her properly. It’s driving me insane — the thing is practically tailor-made!” said Durado. “But it’s not all that bad. When she looks at me, I can feel her eyes lightly singe me… kinda like a dying cigarette abandoned in a puddle.”

Friends of the new couple are concerned, however, that the relationship is based upon unreasonable expectations and will most likely fail.

“I’ve known Duke since the early 2000s, and this guy can’t figure out what the fuck he wants. At one point, he came to me and said he wanted a girl with a machete and a voice that ‘shines like justice’ or some shit,” said exhausted friend Rahim Baker. “I heard that he forces her to stay up late and get up early to fulfill some sick fantasy of his. I feel sorry for her, but Duke keeps insisting that this is a necessary step to reach ‘uninterrupted prosperity.’ He even went behind her back and traded in her car for some shitty Chrysler from the 90s.”

For her part, Duke’s mother Lorelai Durado is happy her son finally found the right girl, even if it took some compromise.

“I’m glad he’s finally settled down, especially at his age. I remember how he spent his more youthful days at Citibank, looking for girls,” said Mrs. Durado. “When our branch closed down, Duke became extremely depressed — I sent him to Wells Fargo to set up a new account and that’s where he found Kerry. And now they’re so happy! It reminds me a lot of my marriage. Sure, I had to change everything about my personality and oddly specific details regarding my appearance to make my husband happy, but look at me now.”

At press time, Durado was overheard insisting that his girlfriend remove the seating and safety features from her vehicle.

Why Does the Shirtless College Kid I Pay To Eat Yogurt in Front of My Wife Deserve $15 an Hour?

Posted on by Mark Maira

I’m not against people making a living wage in this country, but to make it $15 an hour for a menial job is downright un-American! Eating yogurt shirtless in front of my wife is not a job, it’s a gig, and Mathew better learn that he can take it or leave it!

There’s no “free erotic lunch” in this country. Those charges are going to get passed down to whoever needs a college kid eating a thick dairy product in front of them to feel sexually gratified.

Let’s look at it this way, $15 an hour is equivalent to an annual salary of $31,200. On average a teacher makes $34,500 when they start off. Are you telling me the young man that helps my wife shake with satisfaction by simply eating in her presence is at the same level as the men and women that teach our youth? It’s an unskilled position. Literally, anyone can learn to eat yogurt while purposefully dripping it down their rippling abs for my wife’s perverse pleasure.

If we pay Mathew that much an hour where is the incentive for him to do better? I fear he’ll become complacent in his work and have no initiative to try to reach harder and tougher positions in his field. His 6 pack is already starting to soften and last week he outright refused to eat the yogurt out of a dog bowl even though it was brand new. There is serious room for improvement where my wife’s college sex puppet is concerned and increasing his wage would send the wrong message.

The fact is that Mathew is already compensated for his low wage by the experience he’s getting. He has a customer-facing entry-level position in the sex-work industry, one of the world’s most thriving enterprises. The skills he could be learning seducing my insatiable wife could prove to be invaluable if he only applied himself.

Did I mention that I’m already footing the bill for the yogurt? It has to be the expensive Greek stuff too because if the yogurt is the wrong viscosity my wife says it doesn’t “do it” for her.

Paying Mathew more would have a ripple effect on the rest of the economy. What about the guy I pay to contort his body into a pretzel under a glass table during my football parties? He already earns $15 and he earns it by having a skill. But if he gets wind about Mathew getting the same money for eating a goddamn snack, you can bet your bottom dollar that guy is going to demand more, and where does it end?

Man Sues Hospital After Cutting off 2016 Festival Wristband

Posted on by Haylee Maude

COLUMBUS, Ohio — Self-proclaimed “producer” and OSU alum Noah Steele is suing Riverside Methodist Hospital today following the unauthorized removal of a festival wristband that’s been on his wrist since 2016.

“I always knew it would happen someday… just not like this,” Steele said from his hospital bed, of the $75, three-day festival pass. “Do you even know how many festivals I’ve snuck into with that thing? It’s not just about the memories, my dude — I want people to know I’ve actually spent money on shows before. Now all I’ve got is this dumb cast and a three-day Vicodin prescription, and we all know those won’t get you into nearly as many venues these days.”

Witnesses claim that the nurse on duty was first-year resident Marsha Keys, who severed the wristband soon after Steele’s arrival.

“I don’t understand what the problem is,” Keys said between calls. “Usually patients are relieved to find they’re going to be alright, especially after a car crash like that. Instead, Mr. Steele keeps going on about some paper wristband… and between you and me, it doesn’t even sound like he remembers where the thing was from. And please, suing a hospital? The man could barely write his own name. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a code orange to attend to.”

Steele’s long-term girlfriend and collaborator Summer Garcia supports her partner’s decision to pursue financial compensation for his loss and countless minutes of “emotional distress.”

“Cutting Noah out of his shirt and jeans and underwear to save his life is one thing, but that wristband was a very personal effect that could have been saved, and it still had a lot of stickiness in the tape part,” Garcia stated from the food court two floors down. “The other day he woke up from a nap and reached for the wristband, but it wasn’t there, which is beyond heartbreaking to watch. I think settling for $700,000 is literally the least the hospital could do.”

The trial is set to take place two weeks from today at the Franklinton County Municipal Courthouse. Steele is requesting that any prosecutors willing to work in exchange for “a few days supply of Vicodin” contact him as soon as possible.

Mass Effect: Legendary Edition Adds Advisory for Outdated, Offensive Portrayal of Ass

Posted on by Owen Crowlie

EDMONTON — Following negative responses to their initial statement, a Bioware press release has revealed their new decision to imprint a disclaimer on Miranda’s butt in Mass Effect: Legendary Edition as a compromise. 

“People expressed concerns that we were not holding to the originally intended artistic vision,” said director Mac Walters. “Those have come chiefly through death threats, sure, but we want to listen to feedback from our fans — and it has become apparent that to them that Miranda’s thick ass is an integral part of the beloved Mass Effect story.”

The disclaimer superimposed over Miranda’s posterior will express that it is ‘a culturally outdated depiction of a woman’s butt’ and a ‘product of its time’ in an effort to preserve the multiple cutscenes angled directly up at her ass while emphasizing its sexist and objectifying nature.

“We didn’t plan to put it on her butt, but there wasn’t any room on screen,” Walters said. “However, by putting it into focus, maybe we could reach across to the other side, and have them really consider what they are looking at critically. While they are looking at Miranda’s thick, lucious, vacuum sealed ass, it’s also an opportunity to educate them and possibly change some hearts and minds.”

At press time, gaming activists energized by this decision have founded the ‘Video Game Ass Preservation Task Force’ which will meet weekly in an Arby’s nearby Blizzard headquarters.

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Blade Plumber

Posted on by Hard Drive Staff

In the newest episode of The Hard Drive Podcast, Mark and Jeremy write an entire episode of The Super Mario Bros. Super Show from scratch! Mario and the gang heads to the futuristic and rainy city of BLADE PLUMBER. Is Toad secretly a robot? Will Dr. Eldon Reptyrell take over the world? And who is the mysterious Dick Record??

America’s Older Brothers Raise Drinking Age To 16

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

WASHINGTON — America’s first-born males made a stunning about-face to decades of tradition yesterday by announcing they will no longer buy alcohol for siblings younger than 16 years of age, sources within the emergency session of elder brothers confirm.

“It is a question of maturity. We’ve found that you little dinks are still too annoying and bratty for us to give you any of our hard-earned beer,” said spokesbrother Timothy Adkins. “We feel that 16 is the proper age for the next time Mom and Dad are out of town and you want to have friends over. I’m only 19 myself, so I’m not going to risk my contact at the liquor store for some child who can’t even appreciate the taste of Natural Light.”

The nation’s little brothers, however, were not happy with the news.

“This is such bullshit,” said 15-year-old Chester Hanson after asking his brother to get him some Mike’s Hard Lemonade. “He got beer from our cousin when he was my age, but all of a sudden I’m too young? I promised Whitney Cross I could get some for her birthday party next week, and if I don’t come through, I might never get to make out with her. I’d just steal some beer from the fridge in the garage, but my old man started counting them.”

Political Science Professor Dr. Heidi Edwards, Ph.D explained that this is more about economics than about younger family members’ wellbeing.

“Back in the 80s, teens would give their younger siblings booze and then make them do goofy dances or impressions of celebrities that would provide hours of entertainment,” Dr. Edwards explained. “But with a higher cost of living and a stagnant minimum wage, older brothers across the country are hoarding their booze and leaving siblings to fend for themselves. We might have a generation of kids who never have that one friend who got so drunk they had to get rushed to the emergency room to have their stomach pumped.”

Earlier today, the Younger Siblings of America tabled a counter offer of cash plus doing the dishes for the next month in the hopes of continuing negotiations.

Opinion: I Just Want Things To Go Back To Normal and Stuff a Chicken and a Duck Inside a Turkey’s Asshole

Posted on by Kyle Sekaquaptewa

It’s safe to say that COVID changed everything. Life as we used to know it feels like a distant memory and it’s hard not to be nostalgic for the way things were, especially at a time when the entire world gathers to pick a side based on where they grew up and cheer on the utter destruction and degradation of the other. And much like the election, the Super Bowl will look a lot different this year. But personally, all I care about is when I can finally go back to my yearly tradition of stuffing a chicken inside of a duck and then shoving that unholy duck-chicken combo inside a turkey’s asshole.

Just think, last year at this time we were all gathered around the TV drinking beer, while I’m in the kitchen, carving into a deep-fried poultry abomination and performing crude act-outs at guests. Now we’re too scared to go outside without a mask on let alone recreate The Human Centipede but with three different birds. Can we really even call this living? This whole situation is giving me serious “The Road” vibes.

I understand things are serious right now with COVID still raging, but I can’t be the only one who still wants to hang on to some semblance of American normalcy. We’ve already lost movies, concerts, and being shitty to waiters, and now I can’t even use a sport I kind of understand as an excuse to get drunk and assemble a horrifying monster that embodies all the sins of man?! This is not the America I remember. In that America, we could watch two football teams compete (WITH FANS IN THE STANDS) while eating both their mascots in one delicious hy-bird.

It’s time to get back to the way things were when we weren’t living in lockdown and afraid to exert our grotesque dominance over poultry. We need to stand up as God-fearing, bird-hating Americans and say “NO MORE!” No more fear. No more restrictions. And most of all, no more birds that aren’t cooked inside other birds!

If we’re ever going to get back to normal, we’ve got to move forward, not backward. And the only way to do that is to gut a dead chicken, jam that fucker inside a duck’s corpse, then grease it up and slide the whole thing up a turkey’s hollowed-out asshole. It’s time to cook up a hot, juicy batch of freedom, and buddy, I’ll see you in line for seconds.

Marjorie Taylor Greene Breaks Ground on Holocaust Denial Museum

Posted on by Ben Friedman

WASHINGTON — GOP official and QAnon superstar Marjorie Taylor Greene announced she will be breaking ground on a museum dedicated to the denial of the Holocaust, horrified onlookers reported.

“It is high time we speak the truth about what didn’t happen in Europe during the Nazi’s phenomenal ten-year run. It’s simple really — we know the Jews control all media so naturally they’re going to hire millions of crisis actors to tell the world that they’ve been victimized,” said Green, digging alone in an abandoned lot. “We’ve been working closely with 8chan and Parler’s best researchers to bring these exhibits to life. Soon, the world will know that a then 13-year-old George Soros was masterminding the scam of the century.”

QAnon supporters across the country were thrilled with Greene’s initiative to uncover the Jewish conspiracy to make Hitler look bad.

“I’ve never been to a museum that didn’t involve NASCAR, but damn if I’m not gonna make the trip to see this one. I knew something was fishy, like how can the Nazis find time to disappear six million Jews when they were busy revitalizing the economy and killing ANTIFA members?” said Ohio resident, Jessup Brown. “I heard they already got some pro-Holocaust existence museum in Washington but that’s just the command center for that Jewish space laser Ms. Greene warned us about. Don’t believe what those tour guides tell you.”

Despite near-universal support from the GOP, many residents of the District of Columbia were not thrilled with Rep. Greene’s endeavor.

“This is a joke, right? My actual fucking Grandmother spent two years in Auschwitz. I don’t remember her telling me stories about being a paid actor or tattooing serial numbers on her own arm,” said local business owner Nadia Hein. “It’s just crazy to see her dedication to this thing like she’s out there pouring the leveling concrete herself in the middle of February. If she freezes to death I’m sure her supporters will say she was killed by the Jew-controlled weather machine.”

At press time, Rep. Greene was seen submitting a permit to build a second story onto the museum for a children’s exhibit about the non-existence of school shootings.