Woman Enters “Favorite Bands Played at Target” Stage of Life

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

WARREN, Mich. — Millennial Jamie Thorpe suffered a retail-induced panic attack yesterday after hearing several beloved bands from her youth as background music at a Target department store, according to her medical team.

“I needed to get the hell away from my family for 45 minutes and it turned into the worst decision of my life — I was thumbing through the book section when suddenly I heard Spoon through the store’s speakers. I thought it was fluke, but later I heard Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, Fiest, and Tapes ‘n Tapes. This music was the sound of hipster culture 20 years ago; now, it’s the soundtrack to me picking out a paisley duvet cover,” said Thorpe while recovering in her home. “Is this my life now? I mean, my college boyfriend and I used to get stoned and fuck to this music — now I’m humming along to it while picking out school supplies for my kids. It’s just not right.”

Target’s music licensing director Ellice MacLeod explained the store’s music picks were no accident.

“Our key demographic more or less came of age in the late ‘90s and early 2000s, so we basically used the Wayback Machine to browse Pitchfork reviews from 2005 and loaded up the Muzak station with old, indie blog rock,” said MacLeod. “Any songs that remind shoppers of being young, as well as help them momentarily forget about their bodies slowly decaying, is really good for our bottom line. Research shows people suffering existential crises buy very few home goods.”

Although sympathetic, Gen X-er T.J. Rich stated Millennials should “get used to it.”

“It took some time, but I’ve become OK with seeing grunge and alt-rock co-opted by corporate America. Do you think I love hearing Pearl Jam songs in commercials for ED medications? Hell no,” said Rich while touching up the paint job on his boat. “I’m at the point now where I see a kid in a Nirvana shirt and I think to myself, ‘Kurt Cobain probably made the right choice.’”

Her caregivers say Thorpe has now accepted her fate, and is looking forward to entering the “posting ‘they don’t make music like this anymore’ comments on YouTube videos” phase of her life.

Mobile Gamer Discovers 16-Digit Cheat Code

Posted on by John Dixon

HARTFORD, Conn. — Local mobile gamer Jeremy Jackson has drastically improved his performance in gacha game Legend of the Bravest Heroes by discovering a very powerful 16-digit cheat code.

“I can’t sit around on my phone all day and rack up experience points, so I kept falling behind all the other players. That’s when I stumbled on this menu screen I’d never seen before,” Jackson said. “Then all I had to do to get some of these sweet rainbow diamonds was punch in a 16-digit cheat code I found on a plastic card in my wallet. Just like Metal Gear Solid’s codec frequency hidden on the back of the jewel case! So innovative!”

One of Jackson’s friends and fellow mobile gamer Jess Greer recalled her reaction upon receiving a flurry of excited messages from Jackson regarding the code.

“I tried to explain to him the card was his credit card, which he’s always had, but he was just so excited that he wouldn’t listen,” Greer said. “I tried to point out to him that premium currency isn’t free and that he’s getting charged for literally every transaction he makes in that app, but he just kept saying that I was jealous of all of his LR characters. So I gave up.”

An executive from the app’s developer, CryoGames, attempted to dispel any notion that the game is at all pay-to-win, backing up Jackson’s assertions.

“Success in our game is not at all predicated on how much money our players spend, but rather on pure skill when it comes to pulling ten random characters with tall odds. The diamond system is there to help level the playing field between players with varying levels of blind luck,” said CryoGames chief financial officer Brad Stewart. “Any resemblance between diamond balances in our app and individual players’ credit card statements is purely coincidental.”  

At press time, Jackson was heard praising the new augmented reality aspect to the game as he fought creditors who had come to repossess all of his worldly goods.

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Sapiosexual Man Only Attracted to Women Who Agree With Him

Posted on by Rachel Steele

ASHEVILLE, N.C. — Self-proclaimed sapiosexual man Chad Manning reportedly finds himself attracted to or aroused by intelligent and well-informed women, but only if their opinions and interests match his own, annoyed sources confirm.

“Nothing turns me on more than an intelligent woman who knows random facts about my own personal interests,” Manning explained. “A woman must prove her intelligence before claiming my heart, soul, and most importantly, my dick. And when I say prove her intelligence, I mean she must agree that fact-checking is a form of censorship, she must pronounce GIF with a soft ‘g,’ and she must idolize Elon Musk as the self-starter billionaire genius that he is. Last year I broke up with a girl because she called me an idiot for voting third party in 2020.”

“If she was paying attention, she’d know it wasn’t a third party — it was a write-in candidate, and it was Rick Sanchez,” he added. “Some women just aren’t intelligent enough to see his genius, and therefore can never get with me.”

Manning’s ex-girlfriend Jenna Hastings confirmed Manning’s sapiosexuality is really just an exhausting lack of communication skills.

“When we dated, I first thought Chad liked me for my mind,” said Hastings. “We enjoyed talking about our favorite artists and authors of philosophy, but it started getting weird when foreplay became more like a round of ‘Jeopardy.’ Actually, it was literally a round of ‘Jeopardy’ — he even bought a suit for it. Then one day he called me crazy and ended the whole relationship when I told him he was loading the dishwasher wrong. He insisted that we can never be intellectually compatible because I don’t watch ‘Rick and Morty.’”

Dating expert Rebecca Finch explained that men like Manning are all too common.

“Instead of enjoying another person’s company and having a normal conversation, men like Chad feel it necessary to quiz their dates on trivia and current events,” said Finch. “One of my clients was set up with a sapiosexual man last week: she told me he was weirdly turned on while watching her name every member of Slipknot, but when she revealed she actually preferred Metallica, the man just started sobbing and ended the date. Fortunately for single women out there, many sapiosexual men can be identified by their goatee-ponytail combo, and are easily spotted and avoided.”

Manning was last seen playing a track from Weezer’s “Pinkerton” over a bullhorn, loudly announcing that anyone should “just swipe left now if you don’t think this is the best one, you’re all the same anyway.”

How This Guitarist Turned His in Between Song Banter Into an Hour Long Podcast

Posted on by Aviva Siegel

We need to save our stages, people! More importantly, we need to save our stage banter. With live music practically nonexistent, some musicians have found themselves in search of new places to express their non-rhyming thoughts. While some have turned to social media, we spoke to one guitarist who is revolutionizing the concept of “making surface-level jokes and rambling about nothing” by turning his stage banter into a podcast. Let’s hear what he had to say!

“I’ve been an aspiring touring musician for years. My on-stage banter is so funny that my friends frequently ask me if I’ve tried stand up, which I haven’t, but totally should. Having so much to say yet so little to talk about got me thinking, ‘why limit myself to the 5 minutes in between each song when people can listen to me for a whole hour in an unedited monologue?’ Naturally, this has to be the logical progression for someone like me whose every word is enthralling.”

So inspiring. And talk about having the gift of gab! But how does the podcast differ from the onstage banter?

“Sometimes during a set, I like to let people know when the next song is a new one. I do the same thing with my podcast. I start every episode by explaining that, while they probably prefer the old stuff, this is a new one. Then I tell racist jokes for an hour. With my band, of course. I’d never do that on a podcast.”

What an innovator! In addition to modifying the content, the medium of podcasting causes a need to get creative as well.

“It’s not that big of a change. For instance, instead of thanking my devoted fans, now I thank Dollar Shave Club. Ya know, Dollar Shave Club has everything to make you look, feel, & smell your best. Use promo code “HOWSEVERYBODYDOINGTONIGHT” to get 10% off at checkout.”

Local Band Excited to Get Back to Rigorous Schedule of Performing Once Every Seven Months

Posted on by Literally A Koala

SAN FRANCISCO — Members of local punk band Loogie Howser are eager to return to their bustling itinerary of playing nearly three shows a year, sources close to the virtually unbookable band confirm.

“When the pandemic hit, we’d just finished our busiest year of gigs — both of which were house parties,” said the band’s drummer Jeff Seigle. “We can’t wait to hit the stage again and see the phone-lit faces of the people we guilted into coming. I just look back at the four or five photos we have of us playing live and keep thinking, ‘Man, I miss this.’ We haven’t written anything new in the past year, but we’ve practiced 2 ½ times, so we’re ready to give the people a show.”

Those close to the band have found some silver linings to the band’s hiatus.

“It’s been tough on them — I know how much they want to get back out there and cash in on those drink tickets,” said Siegle’s roommate Kelly Vincent. “But on the bright side, I’ve had a lot of time to prepare excuses as to why I can’t come to their show. I have a list ready to go, with things like, ‘I think the vaccine I received is finally showing negative side effects because I keep walking backwards,’ or, ‘My mom’s cat just exploded and I need to clean up the guts.’ Don’t get me wrong, I’ll definitely be going to shows when things get back to normal. Just not theirs.”

Dusty Parker, owner of the local metal bar the Thrash Pit, hopes to resume booking regional bands that are required to sell tickets to play.

“Shitty local bands are the lifeblood of the scene. Before the pandemic I had a good stable of 25-30 acts that would do anything I say for stage time; I had one band steal my ex-girlfriends car and drive it to a chop shop in Oakland in exchange for a 10-minute spot,” said Parker. “I’m just hoping we can return to normal soon so I can get some income generated to keep the lights on. I know I’m not the only promoter hurting — I have one friend up in Sac who had to start dipping into his drug dealing money to keep his club open. It’s a sad state of affairs.

According to a Facebook post, Loogie Howser did book a show last week, but was removed from the socially distant outdoor event after asking to borrow masks from the headlining band.

Roguelike Genre Purist Hopes Someone Will Develop a Roguelike Someday

Posted on by Hunter R. Thompson

SPOKANE, Wash. — Gamer and self-proclaimed roguelike genre purist Noreen Ramirez, hot off the heels of her tenth no-hit run of the acclaimed roguelite Hades, has reportedly grown despondent over the fact that no roguelike games have actually been made yet.

“Listen, I don’t care what genre tags are on these games, but non-grid-based movement and a lack of a standard inventory system is clearly in violation of High-Value Factors IV and VII of the Berlin Interpretation,” Ramirez wrote, in the first tweet of a several-hundred tweet thread explaining the history of roguelike design principles. “As someone who truly cares about the future of this genre, I can only sit here, bide my time, and hope a true roguelike will eventually get made. Until then, I wallow.”

Ramirez went on to deride Spelunky 2’s lack of traditional RPG elements, SYNTHETIK’s inclusion of friendly units, and Enter the Gungeon’s multiple playable characters, after apparently having enough free time to play and 100% all three games in one afternoon.

“What’s all this extravagance, anyway?” Ramirez tweeted, along with a screenshot of the particle physics of the acclaimed game Noita. “When you use the term ‘roguelike’ I start expecting authentic ASCII art. But no one cares about true fans like me. There’s probably three or four hundred colors on screen right now, it’s obscene.”

In an inexplicable drive to satisfy fans like Ramirez, several roguelike developers have shifted the direction of their game design to account for the impossibly high bar of genre purity that no game in history has yet cleared.

“The shopkeeper’s interface was probably five months of work, but roguelikes apparently don’t have multiple modes of interacting, so that had to go,” said Kenta Yamada, the sole indie developer of the upcoming roguelike and/or roguelite Atomic Seat on Steam Early Access. “I had to cut the entire volunteer art team loose because they couldn’t hard-code an ASCII grid into Unreal 4. Oh, and she said the tribute to my childhood dog was against design principle, for reasons I still don’t really understand. B-but at least I’ll get the sale, right? And that means I’ll make the first true roguelike, right?”

At press time, Ramirez had published another hundred-tweet thread reasoning that a consistent story and the predictable pre-generated rooms in the second half technically make Rogue a roguelite.

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CD Projekt Red Pleads With Hackers for Three More Weeks to Meet Demands

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

WARSAW — Following a data breach that reportedly involved internal documents and sensitive personal information, game developers CD Projekt Red have released a public statement begging the hackers for a three week extension on their original 48-hour deadline.

“We know that earlier today we said we were ready to meet your demands,” said Marcin Iwiński, founder and CEO of CD Projekt Red, “but at this time we are imploring you to give us a three week extension on the demands you have imposed on us. We’re aware it might seem unrealistic when someone says that 21 days can make any difference in such a massive and complex blackmail scheme, but they really do. Also, can you please ignore when we hit you up six hours ago and said we’d be ready to roll?”

While many gamers claimed to not feel bad for the situation CD Projekt Red finds themselves in, with some even worried that their personal information might have been compromised by way of CDPR owning the GoG gaming retail platform, others found themselves sympathetic to the company’s dilemma. 

“Oh man, that’s really rough,” said avid gamer William Mooney. “They just can’t catch a break this year, huh? I read that this hacker is threatening to put out some unreleased version of The Witcher 3. That’s fucked up, man. There’s really no telling how much damage an unfinished game getting out in the world could do to Projekt Red’s credibility. I hope they get the three weeks they need.” 

As of press time, CD Projekt Red had dispatched Keanu Reeves to meet the hackers and try to woo them.

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California Exodus Gone Too Far? Red Hot Chili Peppers Just Wrote an Album About Texas

Posted on by Bobby Korec

California’s reign as the greatest state on Earth is fading fast with podcast hosts and business magnates alike abandoning ship for drier pastures. Apparently, Texas has a really sick up-and-coming tax-dodging scene. Naturally, high-profile rock stars are soon to follow suit. How do we know? The Red Hot Chili Peppers just wrote a fucking album about the Lone Star State.

No one saw this one coming except for a team of managers and record label execs. The Chili Peppers are mostly known for composing mega-hits like “Californication,” “Dani California,” and “California is the Greatest Place in the Whole Wide World and I Am Never Ever Going to Leave It.” However, the band recently changed their tune with the release of their latest album, “Texual Intercourse.”

The new material explores various themes such as a more affordable standard of living, states with no income taxes, and places that aren’t currently on fire. This is highly uncharted territory for a band that has barely evolved their look or sound for decades. Consider this the nail in the coffin for the Golden State.

Anthony Kiedis lyrically touted his admiration for the freedoms Texas has to offer. On the album’s opening track, “Dicks Out for Dallas,” the band seems to speak directly to California governor Gavin Newsom and his recent slew of unpopular regulations, especially the one where residents are no longer allowed to wear nothing but a sock on their dick in public.

The Red Hot CP’s also appear to have jumped music genres entirely. The band’s sound went from a mixture of funk-rock/alt-funk/cultural appropriation to the more straightforward genre of country-funk. Flea also dropped his “Seinfeld” style of slap bass in favor of the more conservative “Dennis Miller” style.

As much as I love them, it’s simply too hard to get used to seeing Anthony Kiedis, Flea, Will Ferrell, and the other guy wear bolo ties with no shirts on. Fortunately, Tupac Shakur’s hologram just released “Idaho Love” so I guess it’s not all bad.

Proposed Trump Presidential Library to Feature Extensive Porno Collection Behind Velvet Curtain

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. — A proposed presidential library for disgraced former President Trump is expected to feature the world’s largest vintage VHS pornography collection, organizers on the project confirmed.

“We worked closely with the former President to determine what his library should contain. There will be an entire wing dedicated to ‘The Art of the Deal,’ in addition to a room for viewing episodes of ‘The Apprentice,’ and it will all be topped off with his private collection of pornography from the late 80s to late 90s,” said lead developer Gerard Ingram. “The cassettes will be stored in a climate-controlled room protected by a velvet curtain in order to provide the authentic experience of renting pornography from the industry’s best years. I’ve seen this collection in-person, and it is truly magnificent — it has all of your homegrown favorites, as well as some of the weirdest shit Germany and Japan ever produced.”

Die-hard Trump supporters are already preparing to make a trip to Florida on opening day.

“This will be the first library I go into since my local library banned me for stealing a bunch of printer paper,” said Dover, Del. resident Clay Hale. “I’m not big on books, so I was happy to see the plans for the library included a section for back issues of Guns and Ammo and Soldier of Fortune. I also heard that Trump will be donating all the admissions fees to one of the many charities he loves; no other president would do that. I can’t wait to bring my kids there someday to show them the porno section so they can see important history.”

Former President Trump is excited to get the project off the ground.

“Listen, this library will be better than any other library. And believe me, I know libraries. I’ve read every book in the world, twice. Nobody else can say that,” said Trump from his Mar-a-Lago resort. “And this porno, the women in these movies — some of them have breasts the size of beach balls. Huge beach balls, not the small ones that always get shipped from China. Don’t forget that each visitor will have the option of taking a guided tour of the library that shows how the Democrats stole the election from me and that I’m the most persecuted man on the planet.”

The Trump Library board of executives is also planning on creating a gold-lined book that contains every single one of Trump’s tweets in chronological order as a tribute to the 45th President.

The Doctor Told Me I Would Never Walk Again. 5 Years Later, I Slept With His Wife

Posted on by Dan Rice

“I’m afraid you will never walk again.” Those words refused to take meaning for me. As Dr. Albert Green leafed through his papers explaining which vertebrae had been fused to what, as if that made a difference, I just kept repeating them to myself, trying to let the message set in. It wouldn’t, and after a while, I decided it didn’t have to. I made a vow to myself then and there that no matter what this quack said to me I would one day make sweet love to his wife.

I knew the odds were against me. Mrs. Green seemed perfectly happy with her husband, I had lost the use of my legs in a motorcycle accident, and we were not remotely each other’s type. But I don’t care how many degrees someone has. No one tells me what I can and can’t do. Not without paying for it.

The insurance wouldn’t cover physical therapy. I burned through my life savings so that twice a week strangers could watch me fail to move my legs. It was humiliating and excruciating but I just kept at it because I knew that my therapist and Dr. Green were close friends. Over time, I got her to spill the beans about all of the holes in the Green’s seemingly perfect relationship and knew exactly which weak points to exploit.

On the nights I wasn’t feigning interest in walking again at therapy I was studying the art of pick-up. Under Sensei Mystery’s tutelage, I gained the confidence I needed to out-score any biped.

I wasn’t about to let the fact that I can’t walk stop me from learning what gym Mrs. Green went to and what the best times to “run into her” were. I didn’t need to walk to compliment her style changes and ask about her day, things her hotshot doctor husband was far too busy to do.

One day I hit a major roadblock. For just a minute, I could feel my legs again. But in the end, when I set my mind to doing something, I don’t let anything stop me, not even a miracle. I knew I needed the sympathy card if I was going to seal the deal with Dr. Green’s wife, so I threw myself down some stairs and stopped going to physical therapy.

Almost five years to the day of my accident, tensions between Dr. Green and his wife came to a head, with a little help from yours truly of course. They had a screaming match, we had lunch, lunch became drinks, drinks became a room at the Ramada Inn. I had done the impossible; ruined the marriage of the man who told me I can’t walk anymore.

I go to schools sometimes to talk to kids about perseverance and I will tell you the same thing I tell them. If someone says you can’t do something, find what they love and destroy it.