The Top 10 Comments on Hard Drive Articles This Week

Posted on by Owen Crowlie

You know what they say about gaming news: if you’re tired of the current controversy, just wait five minutes. Time when you’re a gamer becomes confusing, because it seems like every week when I get to writing this roundup, nerd culture has gone through 100 years of warring and fighting over just about anything. While this is usually a drawback, it all becomes worth it the day that everyone is up in arms about a 3D modeled ass:

If you think Miranda’s ass is burned into your memory, imagine the person who animated her. They must see her ass every time they blink,in their dreams when they sleep, and over their own face in the mirror. The look at their own wife’s ass and all they can see is that same 2010 era render of those glutes. When they die, instead of black, empty void they’ll have an eternity of her plump rump enveloping their whole view. Sidenote, if any Black Mirror writers read this column, please hit me up because I have an idea for an episode called “Not So FantAssTic.”

If you’re playing on Veteran Mode, you also unlock the ability to get a free Applebee’s meal, but all it does is give you a slight health debuff. Plus, you can play on a lower difficulty and do the same thing with a costume and the ‘Stolen Valor’ skill.

The six stages of grief are Denial, Anger, Depression, Bargaining and Acceptance. If Mario collects all the power stars in each one, he gets to leave purgatory! 

I have searched Wookiepedia multiple times in order to get this joke, but there is not a single entry for whatever an “Italian” is, just something for some guy named “Watto.”

Whether or not Hard Drive delivers real news can be subjective because at the end of the day, Spider-Dasik isn’t wrong, they just don’t know how right they are. They’ve earned that #facepalm.

From the producers of “Nice Guy” and “Suspiciously Friendly Old Man” comes a new horror film so bloodcurdling that the mere idea of it will keep you up at night… Featuring a monster that could be in your very own community college. If you have any kind of artistic talent, watch out, or you’ll be hunted by… THE IDEAS GUY!

Now this next part used to be a run-killer: how much you need to clean up is all RNG, so you could need anything between a tissue to a full towel. Thankfully, with this skip, you can avoid all that by having sex in a Jacuzzi and strategically placing her in front of a jet.

“Please, stop screaming! It makes her anxious! Oh this is just great, I was going to do some food-oriented obedience training, but now she’s full from whoever that was.”

This is why all of those advertisements about “real ingredients” are a waste. We don’t care about real ingredients, we want every fast food item to be a flavor mystery that’s never explained. I’ll eat anything if it terrifies my friends when I send them pictures of it. People still eat McRibs after attaining the knowledge that it’s partially made from yoga mats, so give us the Orange Goop, Taco Bell. We’ve been ready for a long time.

It’d be easier to bring gamers down to ape level. Just have them play League of Legends.

Thank you so much for your comments, everybody. Everyone who was featured will receive one free cup of Orange Goop, given you sign the liability waivers. Remember, if you want a chance to be in next week’s column, be sure to leave a funny comment on any of our posts on social media!

 

We Revisit Sleater-Kinney’s Dig Me Out Because My Tinder Match Has an Undercut

Posted on by John Danek

No band associated with the riot grrrl movement found more popularity in the mainstream than Sleater-Kinney. And no haircut says “Sleater-Kinney is a Top 3 all-time band for me” more than the undercut, which this girl I matched with on Tinder has.

So let’s look back at their breakthrough 1997 album “Dig Me Out” so I have something to talk about with Leonora on Saturday at our COVID-safe park date.

“Dig Me Out” opens with the absolute banger of the title track. The aggressive guitar tones are a perfect soundtrack to telling the barber to just use #3 clippers around the sides and back.

Leonora’s Tinder bio just says “We are the granddaughters of the witches you couldn’t burn,” so I’m going to guess “The Drama You’ve Been Craving” is her favorite song. Because… come on, of course it is. But also the song is catchy as hell.

Oh, by the way- it’s pronounced “SLAY-ter”, as in A.C. Slater. I searched for interviews where Corin Tucker says the band name so I don’t mispronounce it and sound like an idiot. Glad I did, because I would have said “SLEE-ter” Kinney like a total beta.

It’s impossible to listen to the album and not feel the passion in Janet Weiss’s drumming like in “It’s Enough.” Each hit of the crash cymbal symbolically crashes the patriarchy right in its stupid face. Hell, the album makes me want to buy an “ALL MEN ARE SCUM” mug from Etsy. Wait, should I buy one to take to the park? With 2-day shipping, it will get here before the date. Though maybe Leonora would be more impressed if I got the “PROUD MISANDRIST” mug instead?

What should I wear? I need an outfit that says “I too knew about Sleater-Kinney way before Carrie was on Portlandia, and I also enjoy reading Virginia Woolf for fun” but doesn’t say “I’m a pretentious asshole who thinks they sold out after The Woods and let St. Vincent kick Janet out, thus ruining the band.”

While listening to “Words and Guitar”, I had an idea- what if I brought my acoustic and played this song to Leonora? I might have to tune down a few steps because my voice doesn’t go that high. No, that’s a lame move, right? Right?

Lying Sack of Shit “Horse Girl” Tinder Match Shows Up to Date With 2 Legs

Posted on by John Danek

BETHESDA, Md. — “Duplicitous catfisher” and clearly regular homo sapien Colleen Jansen disappointed prospective love match Dominic Sabatino yesterday after proclaiming to be a “horse girl” in her Tinder bio, the centaur fetishist reported.

“This is classic kinkshaming at its worst. I thought that in 2021 we understood that some people are only interested in dating mythical centaurs, but apparently not!” said an infuriated Sabatino after the socially-distanced, double-masked park date. “So I’m sitting in the park, and this otherwise cute girl walks up to my blanket, bale of hay, and brand fucking new salt lick. As soon as she asked, ‘Dom?’ I felt like that stunned meme of Spongebob. I knew I’d been bamboozled. Sometimes I feel there are no limits to the evils of humanity.”

Jansen attempted to apologize for the misunderstanding.

“Well, Dom seemed really sweet on Tinder. He had a mutual affinity for equestrianism, and didn’t try to make some ‘bareback’ pun to me as an opener, so I was down to meet,” explained Jansen, who has ridden horses, worn flannel almost every day, and hasn’t cut her hair since the age of four. “But greeting him in the park, he immediately started muttering about centaurs and angrily shoving his four golden horseshoes back into his bag. I would’ve loved to give them to my favorite horse, Poodles! I just don’t know where it went wrong.”

Dating experts offer lots of reasons why and how dating apps can lead to miscommunication.

“At the end of the day, straight men are still idiots. And in the age of free, unlimited porn, some of them are into some purely fictional fantasy stuff,” explained Daniella Yonkers, dating editor for Cosmopolitan. “But you can’t just tell someone that centaurs aren’t real — that’s like waking up a sleepwalker mid-dream. We can only hope that a person like Dominic comes to the realization on his own, or VR technology accelerates fast enough that he can get his kicks with a headset.”

In an effort to avoid embarrassing situations in the future, Sabatino is allegedly developing a dating app titled OnlyCentaursAndPeopleWhoAreIntoCentaursAndMaybeMinotaurs.

I Gave My Kid a Bunch of LSD and He Still Can’t Find the Strike Zone

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

I’m a simple man. Too simple, arguably. My life is all about family, church, and baseball. Gosh, I love baseball. It’s been my dream to have my son play in the majors ever since my dad told me he was disappointed that I never did. I just know that, through hard work and beratement, my boy will be the best pitcher since Dock Ellis. There’s only one problem: I gave him a quadruple dose of LSD but he still can’t find the goddamn strike zone.

I mean, he’s got a hell of an arm on him! It’s just that his aim is off. His coach said he needs to open both eyes but I say he needs to open his third eye. That should help him visualize the strike zone which will, in turn, help me visualize my dreams of cheering on my professional baseball player son while I spit Skoal into a cup of my father’s ashes.

But none of these dreams will come to fruition if my damn kid can’t unlock the secrets of the cosmos. Or get the ball through the swinging tire thing. Whichever comes first. We tried the tire for an hour but that got boring so I had to spice it up by dropping a little “Field of Dreams” if you catch my drift. If I slipped a tab or four into his Powerade, that’s nobody’s business but me, my boy, God, and the shadow people.

Before you judge me, we already tried steroids. It didn’t take though. My kid may not be afraid of the ball but he’s a real baby about needles.

I just want to be the best dad I can be to give him the best life possible. I only take such drastic measures because I fear we’re running out of training time. Hopefully, he’ll come into his own by the time they get rid of those damn batting tees.

$15 Minimum Wage Brings Punk’s Dream of Four-Hour Workweek Closer

Posted on by Issa Diao

HENDERSON, Nev. — Local punk Vince Cannon applauded the proposed raising of the minimum wage to $15 an hour, as it will help him achieve his dream of finally being able to work a four-hour workweek, sources close to the perpetually broke punk confirmed.

“I’ve done the math and found that all I need to live comfortably is $240 a month: I live rent-free in a squat that has electricity most of the time, I get my cigarettes from strangers, and I make my own alcohol in a giant bucket in the bathroom,” said Cannon. “With minimum wage where it is now, I’m busting my ass working nearly eight hours a week — it’s no way to live, and it’s just not sustainable. I have three cats and one meme account to take care of. I can’t be away from home that much.”

Cannon’s gainfully employed friends were hoping the minimum wage increase would have a different result.

“Vince has owed me $40 for the last six years, and I figured he might finally have some disposable income, but that doesn’t seem to be in the cards. He’s told me he plans on taking more time for himself because ‘capitalism is grinding him down,’” said long-time friend Marvin Reyes. “I mean, I get it — I work 55 hours a week and I can barely keep my head above water. But I guess Vince and I have different priorities. I hope to work my way up and get paid what I deserve, and he’s had a piece of glass stuck in his arm for two years because he’s completely unwilling to go to the hospital. I think the whole system just kind of sucks.”

Punk economists have long argued the benefits of raising the minimum wage.

“There are two schools of thought here: if the minimum wage is raised, then punks will have more money to spend on beer, body modifications, and zine materials, which supports a lot of local businesses,” said punk financial advisor Heath Powers. “Conversely, punk employers would have to incur the cost of paying their workers more — this means that illegal stick-and-poke tattoo studios may not be able to pay anyone to clean the needles, crust punk record labels won’t have the manpower to produce as many albums, and it will wreak havoc on the DIY screen printing industry.”

At press time, Cannon was one step closer to retirement after finding a scratch ticket worth $10 in the WinCo parking lot.

Photo by Bret McCabe. 

Mass Effect Devs Compromise With Angry Gamers by Giving Commander Shepard Gigantic, Juicy Balls

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

EDMONTON — BioWare has announced a compromise for Mass Effect fans upset about the removal of various butt shots in the Legendary Editions, giving Commander Shepard incredibly large and “juicy” testicles. 

“We really felt like we dropped the ball on the whole butt thing and we knew that our fans were angry, but we didn’t want to just give in and make a game that we couldn’t stand by. That’s why we decided to give them the eye candy they wanted, without caving to their butt-based demands,” explained BioWare in a blog post. “We think that, while big bouncy balls often look and feel very butt-like, they represent a new frontier for gaming that few video games have explored. It’s the perfect compromise and we expect no one to be upset about it.”

Although fans have been supportive of the decision, there have been some road bumps in the development of the gigantic balls.

“As a result of the butts controversy taking place late in the development cycle for Mass Effects Legendary, we were unfortunately unable to make these big ole balls optional. They will appear on Commander Shepard no matter what players do to customize their characters, even across genders,” BioWare continued. “That being said, we have found that this has only made fans happier with the new direction. It seems that everyone is pleased with the large ballsack we have given Commander Shepard.”

At press time, BioWare quelled fears about potential crunch culture surrounding the enormous balls, explaining that every developer at the company is “desperate” to work on them and that the company will have to enact a lottery system to make sure everyone has an equal chance to develop the sack.

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Innovative Star Wars Actress Becomes Hated for Something Other Than Being a Woman

Posted on by Jimmy Beliakoff

LOS ANGELES — The Mandalorian’s Gina Carano has broken new ground for Star Wars by becoming the first actress in the franchise to be hated for something other than existing while being a woman.

“I was really inspired by the work of those who came before me: Carrie Fisher, Daisy Ridley, Felicity Jones, Kelly Marie Tran, and so many, but actually just a handful, of others,” Carano explained on various podcasts for victims of cancel culture. “So many great actors in this franchise generated fan backlash just for being women and it just didn’t sit right with me. That’s why I decided to be hated for comparing conservative celebrities to Jews in the Holocaust.”

“It feels good to have the Star Wars fanbase hate me for something I actually did, as opposed to just my existence,” Carano continued. “It really feels like I’m taking a step forward for women everywhere, as well as a few simultaneous steps back for social issues in general.”

Despite receiving near universal disgust for her comments on trans people and the treatment of Jews, Carano has also gained some praise for her statements.

“The fact that Gina got fired proves exactly what she was saying in the first place,” said Twitter user @KillTheLeft666. “Conservatives in America are being rounded up, put into concentration camps, and systematically murdered. You know, through being told that their posts online are bad. The persecution of the Jews is almost literally the exact same thing as when all of your coworkers are uncomfortable around you constantly. And I would know, I post about the Jews constantly.”

As of press time. Disney+ had announced a lucrative spin off series for The Mandalorian characters portrayed by Ming-Na Wen, Katee Sackhoff, and Mercedes Varnado.

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Opinion: Whether I’m Right or Not, You Have To Admit I Am Very Mean

Posted on by Doug Francisco

Hey dude, how’s it going? Just wanted to say no hard feelings about the other day. That comment thread got pretty heated, aha. You said some stuff, I said some stuff. I think we both made pretty good points. I don’t think we can say one way or the other that I’m right about COVID being a biological attack perpetrated by the New World Order. BUT we can certainly agree that I was very mean the whole time.

Like when I said that the virus started in China because the shadow masters wanted to fuel conflict between the Chinese government and the West, and you said there wasn’t “any evidence of that”, and I said that there’s no evidence that you’ve ever gotten laid and I posted a picture of me flipping you off. I got you good, and you have to give me that.

Or when you said that you didn’t want to get into name-calling and I said that your mom’s been calling out my name every night since quarantine started, and now I’m your dad and you have to start calling me Papa now or else you’re grounded? That was totally uncalled for and totally ruled. No argument there.

And when you said that regardless of whatever weird insults I was throwing out you still thought my ideas were misinformed? And then I told you that your dad was misinformed when he drove drunk and died in a car accident when you were 8? I stand by that, and I hope it made you cry.

I may not have been able to intelligently counter every point you made but I for-sure made you feel bad, which I believe gives credence in its own right. Am I using that word right, credence? You know what nerd, I don’t give a fuck.

Anyway, I hope we can let bygones be bygones, lol. You really said a bunch of smart stuff about how viruses work. Gave me a lot to think about. I’m totally going to stop believing all this stuff about the satanic pedophile cabal that controls the world because you posted a link from the CDC.

PSYCH. Schoolboy bitch.

Trans Woman Desperate for Someone to Just Feel Neutral About Her

Posted on by Ramona Apthorp

LOS ANGELES — Local trans woman Ruby Aldorff posted a picture of herself eating a hotdog on Instagram yesterday, desperate for anyone to not have an opinion about it, sources report.

“It’s not that I don’t want people to comment on my pictures; I could just really use something in between a suburban woman scream-typing ‘yas queen’ and a man calling me the ‘T’ slur,” explained a tired Aldorff. “I would just love for someone to comment on the content of the picture for once, and not what they decide to believe I represent. Like, it was literally just a picture of me eating a hot dog. There’s nothing repulsive or remarkable about that. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely appreciate the positive comments… but when another white woman appropriates AAVE to unsuccessfully signal that she’s down with the queers on a picture of me eating a hot dog, it feels pretty dishonest.”

“Like, at least I know where the ‘T’ slur guy stands,” she added, “and to block him on all platforms.”

Aldorff’s friend’s mom and frequent Instagram commenter Brenda Mills was overcome with emotion by the photo.

“I just love seeing Ruby’s pictures online because, um hello, gorgeous! But it’s also inspiring to see him come into his own as a woman,” stated an absolutely oblivious Mills. “I’m just so proud to know a trans woman. It truly makes me feel like I’m doing something right. It’s really true what they say — if you’re gonna call yourself a liberal, you have to do the work, and I really feel I’ve put in the work by tangentially knowing one trans person.”

Dan Stevens, a man who found Aldorff’s photo under #hotdog, had a different experience.

“She’s not a real woman. No matter how hard she tries, she’s never going to be a real woman,” coughed a sweating Stevens. “Not a single thing about her eating that hotdog was hot to me. I can’t sexually objectify someone who’s a man; that’d make me gay. Instead, I have to secretly objectify her in a way that is closer to fetishization — I’ll put her in a category that is neither male nor female, but also not in a nonbinary way. I will see her as a sexual object as I do with all women, but out of fear of being called gay, I will tell no one and let it transform into a sexually fueled hatred that will eventually get someone killed. Obviously.”

Aldorff will now be reading all comments in a Kermit the Frog voice to take some of the edge off.

Photo by Ramona Apthorp.

5 Endangered Species That Seriously Need To Get Their Shit Together

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Have you seen the list of endangered species lately? My god, it’s like a zoo. Some of these animals clearly need to straighten up if they want to live to see how this climate change thing works out for everyone.

Top environmental scientists agree that these knuckleheads need to get with the freakin program! Overlooking the fact that humans are clearly the number one threat to any animal that isn’t incredibly cute, these are the top five endangered species that need to shape up or ship out.


Chimpanzees

Deforestation is a major reason chimps are dying out. If they all go extinct before figuring out how to live without their natural habitats then movies like Ed (1996) starring Joey from Friends and a chimpanzee who plays baseball just won’t make any sense to future generations.


Blue Whales

I’m pretty sure SeaWorld is behind this one. I saw that “Blackfish” documentary and they are just way too into kidnapping whales and fucking up nature for the sake of capitalism. Whales as a whole need to start adapting to the nefarious intentions of corporations just like us humans have had to.


Sea Turtles

Evidently, sea turtles will straight up eat plastic we throw in the ocean and die. These little guys really need to accept that trash and seaweed are not the same thing, so we can go back to drinking from plastic straws and throwing them into the ocean after we’re finished with our Red Bull cans, which will also be tossed directly into the sea.


Bumblebees

Turns out, bees are the reason we have guacamole. Not sure how that works, but I guess they make it in their tiny hives of theirs. Anyway, pesticides are a huge reason bees are dying, so it’s time they figure out a way to breathe in the good air without accidentally inhaling the toxic shit that’s meant to kill other things. Humans do it all the time. Why can’t they?


Black Rhinos

Rhinoceroses as a whole are terrible at not getting poached for their massive horns. Rich people will literally buy a sawed-off rhino spike for a ton of money as a status symbol to show off their incredible wealth to their other horn-bearing friends. That being the case, the best way to save rhinos is to kill all the rich people. Actually, that appears to be the most effective way to save animals in general.