Boyfriend Surprises Girlfriend with Gift of Letting Her Plan Everything

Posted on by Aviva Siegel

MADISON, Wisc. — Derek Carlson surprised his girlfriend Jessica Kravtsova today with the gift of allowing her to make all of the couple’s Valentine’s Day plans for the second year in a row, according to sources.

“Things have been pretty stressful at work for my special lady, and I know nothing relaxes her more than planning something and diving right into a new project,” said Carlson while balancing a plate of corn dogs on his lap. “I wanted to show Jess I appreciate her, and I realized the best possible gift was to let her do something that makes me feel appreciative.”

While Carlson is usually “down for whatever,” he was quick to point out that whatever Kravtsova wanted to do is “totally chill” and “good by me.”

“I think she enjoys how flexible I am when it comes to plans. Like, if she wants to reserve the Airbnb, pack my bags, find someone to feed our cats, rent the car, buy groceries, plan recipes, and figure out fun events to do in the area, that’s cool,” Carlson stated. “She’s so much better at this stuff than I am. I’m terrible with booking websites and things like that. My vibe is more just like a super laid-back guy who goes with the flow.”

For her part, Kravtsova, a hospice nurse and world’s most patient person, isn’t terribly disappointed by the news as she’s become adept at keeping expectations as low as humanly possible.

“Derek isn’t a bad boyfriend. He’ll go out of his way to do nice stuff for me all the time: just yesterday he took out the trash & recycling. And the week before that, he also took out the trash & recycling,” Kravtsova explained, clearly struggling to think of other examples. “Sure, it would be great if he took some initiative in planning things, but know if he did we’d just be eating Jimmy John’s while rewatching ‘Sons of Anarchy.’”

For his beloved’s birthday, Carlson is allegedly planning on paying back his share of the rent and filling up the kitchen sink so that the last week’s worth of dishes can soak for a few days.

Opinion: Bullet for My Valentine Is a Made up Hallmark Band

Posted on by Steve Esparra

Listen, you all can celebrate Bullet for My Valentine until your hearts melt, but just know that you’re being manipulated by the greeting card industry. The way I see it, Bullet for My Valentine is nothing more than a made-up Hallmark band created to sell love letters disguised as album booklets.

BFMV is the amalgamation of focus groups telling a big corporation what they think people want to hear, nothing more. It’s all a scam! That feeling you call love is just a chemical reaction that occurs in your brain when you hear “Radioactive.”

Their musical career has followed the same old myth to the letter. Start off heavy to draw in some purists, perform marriages of young men against the decree of emperor Claudius and then change your sound, alienating your original fans but gaining you a wider audience.

Read your history books, we don’t even know that there was a St. Bullet.

On top of all that, take a look at the lyrical content. It’s all heartache and heartbreak! Sure there’s an occasional war/death/fighting song thrown in there, but that’s just to keep the brainwashed masses off their scent. It’s emo wrapped in riffs and I refuse to be a part of it.

If you really love bullets, and metal in general, you don’t need a manufactured band to prove it. You can show it in many ways, every day of the year, with any other band that wasn’t formulated in a lab to sell records. I’ll be spending the holiday eating chocolates and listening to Avenged Sevenfold.

Valentine’s Day Determined to Destroy Only Relationship in Friend Group That’s Lasted Entire Pandemic

Posted on by Krissy Howard

MIAMI — Local holiday and generally despised time of the year, Valentine’s Day, is determined to absolutely destroy one of the few relationships that’s somehow managed to survive the Coronavirus pandemic, sources following along anxiously report.

“Aside from maybe four people in high school and one-half of recently partnered pairs everywhere, I’m pretty much the only one who gets excited about February 14, and I think people are a little relieved to skip it this year,” the holiday said, while emailing 85% off dine-in coupons to couples who haven’t left their block in a year. “With basically no chance of anyone forgetting to make a dinner reservation and virtually zero disposable income to spend on flower deliveries or stuffed bears, the chances of me driving a wedge between two people is low. But if anyone can turn a day dedicated to displays of appreciation into an absolute shitshow, it’s me, fuckers. Coronavirus can blow me.”

The holiday set its sights on one couple in particular, Devon Shah and Omar Wright, who make up the only couple in their friend group whose relationship has not dissolved under the weight of the pandemic.

“Rather than go big, I’m narrowing my focus — quality, not quantity this year,” Valentine’s Day explained. “First, I’m gonna make sure the guy’s gift is just cleaning the kitchen. That’s it. Then I’ll time one emotionally exhausting phone call with a parent, before we cap things off with a nice Instagram post of their dog sneezing a bunch rather than one dedicated to the other. If things are still going well by then, I may try to arrange to have the WiFi go out so they have no choice but to talk to each other, but I don’t wanna push it too far. We don’t need anyone getting hurt out there.”

Mutual friend of the pair Kelsey Briceño is nervous about the couple’s fate.

“Literally every other couple I know has split this last year, and with a day that’s pretty much guaranteed to make couples fight after a year of basically being locked down… I don’t know. It doesn’t look good,” Briceño stated. “I’ll probably have some food delivered to them just to be safe, and will definitely do everything in my power to make sure any and all shitty exes stay far the fuck away from them both.”

At press time, Valentine’s Day was eagerly anticipating February 15 and the fallout from millions of Tinder users who matched the evening before.

Man Convinced He’s Living ‘The Truman Show’ Gonna Masturbate Anyway

Posted on by Jake Menez

BAKERSFIELD, Calif. — Recently divorced movie buff Darren Thorndike has not let his increasingly paranoid suspicion that his life is being secretly recorded and broadcast on television like the plot of The Truman Show stop him from masturbating like he would anyway. 

“Darren had been pretty down since his wife left him,” next door neighbor Melissa Perkins explained. “My husband thought loaning him some Jim Carrey movies would cheer him up, but ever since he returned our copy of The Truman Show he’s been very theatrical, as if he thinks there’s cameras on him like in the movie. Honestly, I preferred his Yes Man phase. I guess it’s a good thing we don’t own Bruce Almighty.” 

Others on the block confirm that Thorndike has been overheard announcing his thoughts out loud to nobody in particular as he goes about his daily routine. Attempts to sit down with Thorndike were declined under the pretense that “interview segments have been played out since Modern Family ended.”

Despite the feeling that his every waking move was being shown to viewers the world over, Thorndike was recently seen reading an issue of Playboy magazine that he’d crudely attempted to hide behind a Pottery Barn catalog, despite being alone in his house.

“So many choices for ottomans,” he loudly announced to the empty room as he opened the centerfold. He appeared to pause as if expecting a laugh after musing how relaxed the Ottoman Empire must have been before standing up and grabbing a tissue box from a nearby table.

“Oh man, these allergies are killing me,” Thorndike continued in a stage whisper as he made his way down the hall with the tissues and now-uncovered Playboy. “Maybe I should lay down under the covers in case I have a cold coming on or something. And my hands are so dry lately! Where’s that lotion?”

At press time, network executives for The Thorndike Chronicles were so impressed by ratings following the incident, they announced the late night companion program Darren After Dark in hopes of recapturing that moment’s virality.

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Opinion: It’s Fine To Drunk Text Your Ex on Valentine’s Day Because It’s Too Late I Already Did It

Posted on by Rebecca Acevedo

It’s fine. I am telling you it’s fine. If it will make you feel better I will already do it first. I mean I haven’t texted my ex yet, but if I did, I sent it ten minutes ago. You’re not wishing your ex a Happy Valentine’s day that would be weird because you’re not dating anymore. You’re just texting “hey lol” because your best friend can tell you not text your ex but no one is going to tell you do it. And sometimes it’s too fucking late and you need to justify actions you’ve already taken.

It’s love day and whether you’re in a relationship or listening to music that’s making you think about stuff there are plenty of ways to celebrate. I’m two Valentine’s day cocktails in and working on 12. The recipe is simple: take a couple of sips of your seltzer, next pour vodka in the mouth part, then selectively remember only the good things about your past relationship, and then pick up my phone. Look it’s already open to a text convo because what’s done is done.

Whawouldhappen if you did text and I texted already? Spiraling emotions of excitement, embarrassment, anxiety, and the thrill of making a mistake. Yes, I am. I love this song turn it up! Wait… I’m gonna throw… no… okay. I’mokay.

I’m single annnnd they are not in a rrrreeeelationship. I know because I muted them on Instagram so I only check their stories enough to not be at the top of the list. I’m superstulfpp, excuse me…
I’m super self controlled. I created this boundary, it wouldn’t exist without me so it’s okay to break it.

Ohmygod we should cut eachothers hair! Okay maybe not it’s kinda dizzy in here…

Remember, texting is communicationing and communicationin… comunication is healthy. It’s Valentine’s day, I would be weird text on a different day. All of the hearts, flowers, and candy reminds me I haven’t had sex in a while.

You can’t change the past…five minutes, because I just asked them “How is everything?” That’s just polite.

Mercury Retrograde says not text your ex but I want attention from someone who is emotionally unavailable today. Tomorrow is tomorrow’s problem. Who else am I going to text, my crush? Texting my crush on Valentine’s Day would be psychotic.

Boyfriend Preps for Valentine’s Day by Building “Die Hard is a Rom Com” Case

Posted on by Ted Pillow

ST. LOUIS — Local man Brian Dorney’s Valentine’s Day preparations allegedly revolve exclusively around convincing his girlfriend that 1988 classic action movie “Die Hard” is a romantic comedy, sources already debating whose side they’ll take after the break-up confirmed.

“‘Die Hard’ is such a chick flick,” Dorney said, flipping another chart page with multiple pie graphs. “It has all the classic elements of a rom com: over-the-top romantic gestures, a climactic kiss, and even a goofy best friend played by Carl Winslow. John McClane will do anything to win Holly back. It’s just like ‘The Notebook,’ except instead of writing 365 love letters and building the house of her dreams, this guy walks on broken glass and executes a German terrorist ring. I’m tearing up just thinking about it.”

Despite Dorney’s several arguments, including a PowerPoint presentation titled “Hans Gruber’s Top 3 Meet-Cutes,” girlfriend Nia Hughes is unconvinced.

“If his only plan for the most romantic day of the year is for us to sit on his broken-ass futon and watch some vigilante cop fantasy bullshit from the ‘80s, I’m officially redownloading Bumble,” warned Hughes. “He already tried to make me watch the movie on Christmas, and for some damn reason, Washington’s birthday. Last year I told him I wanted to watch something kinky like ’50 Shades of Gray.’ Well, needless to say, there wasn’t a lot of excitement in the bedroom after our Valentine’s Day ‘Hellraiser’ marathon.”

Relationship experts agree, and warn against any Valentine’s Day plans that involve the “Die Hard” franchise.

“Unfortunately, Valentine’s Day is the source of a lot of strife and can even lead to break-ups and divorce,” noted renowned couples therapist Dr. Annette St. Claire. “And, more often than not, Bruce Willis is directly involved. Around this time of year, I always remind my patients that only consenting adults with an agreed-upon safe word should even consider watching a Bruce Willis movie on Valentine’s Day. And no one, under any circumstances, should attempt to watch ‘A Good Day to Die Hard.’ Ever.”

As of press time, Dorney was hard at work strengthening his argument that eating Bagel Bites on a futon “technically qualifies as breakfast in bed.”

Plane Crash Survivors Impressed by Vegan’s Commitment

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

UNKNOWN — Survivors of Icelandair Flight 198, which crashed somewhere deep in the Arctic tundra last week, lauded vegan survivor Michael Hagen’s unwillingness to sacrifice his principles, even in the face of certain death.

“Once we ran out of food from the plane, we crafted makeshift hunting and fishing tools, but unfortunately for Michael, there’s not much in the way of edible vegetation here and none of us have any real farming experience. We’ve subsisted mostly on native fish and rabbits we’ve managed to catch,” reported survivor Christine Conway, fishing with a handmade spear. “There’s almost no vegetation here, but he insists that he’s ‘fine’ with the little bit of grass he found under the snow. I keep begging him to make an exception until we’re rescued, and he just keeps telling us that eating meat is the number one cause of heart disease. I respect his conviction, but it’s just a matter of time before he succumbs to starvation.”

Despite pleas from other vegan and vegetarian survivors, who briefly suspended their own beliefs, Hagen dismissed their concerns and questioned their commitment to animal rights.

“Hypocrites, the whole lot of them,” a severely emaciated Hagen said, struggling to summon the strength to speak. “They’re probably just ‘fitness vegans’ anyway and don’t actually care about animals. Sure, the pains and frequent diarrhea are bothersome, but thanks to the hallucinations, I’m usually able to tune those out. In fact, one of the pigs those savages murdered just told me the other day to stay the course, and nature will eventually provide for me.”

While medical and survival experts questioned Hagen’s logic, he did receive praise from animal right’s organizations, including People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals [PETA].

“By allowing himself to slowly waste away, Mr. Hagen is admirably helping sustain the native animal population and reduce the ecological damage done by the plane crash,” stated PETA Head, Ingrid Newkirk. “Even in a situation where there is no way to survive by sustaining a vegan lifestyle, it is despicable that the other survivors have chosen to put their own needs ahead of those of our animal brethren. PETA is working to ensure that survivors receive vegan-friendly meals as soon as humanly possible.”

Thankfully, Hagen reportedly found a stash of long-forgotten vegan meal options in a storage compartment, which the other survivors reportedly said they’d rather die than eat.

Opinion: No, I Actually Am Trying To Say I Think Primus Sucks

Posted on by Charles Bill

Well, this is frustrating. I’m trying to leave a comment indicating that I think this Primus video sucks, but these idiots replying are taking it as tacit approval of the band. Apparently, fans of this band—where the bassist is the star—use the term “Primus sucks” as a codeword for liking the band. So, no, I am actually trying to say Primus sucks and I am deeply disturbed that an entire fanbase lives in a permanent state of “opposite day.”

How could this have happened? Perhaps it’s because the phrase “Primus sucks” is the only thought one can produce when listening to their music. One could not possibly listen to Les Claypool punch a plank of wood for four minutes and say “Yes, I enjoyed that.” The only human reaction would be to say it sucks. Because it does. But apparently, I can’t say that because people will think I approve of someone noodling on a pretend instrument while mumbling quirky lyrics. Granted, I do approve of that but only if you’ve played a Manic Pixie Dream Girl opposite Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Ugh. Of course the rallying cry for Primus fans is a clumsily veiled ironic statement. I hope you Primus fans are happy playing your twisted little game. It is disgusting. It is violating. It’s entrapment for implicit condoning instead of explicit condemnation.

To combat this, I’m selling shirts that say “Primus sucks, but unironically.” Please buy them to support the message of Primus being terrible, but for real this time. I’d like to see the Primus fanbase find a way to stop me now! The whole world will know that I, like so many others before me whose voices were silenced by irony, think Primus sucks!

Ween sucks too but no one’s debating that.

Aging Punk in Misfits Shirt Afraid of Teenage Punk Wearing Misfits Shirt

Posted on by Zac Lux

FAYETTEVILLE, Ark. — Aging punk and generally anxious person in a Misfits T-shirt Hollie Wallace parked super far away from teenagers hanging out at a local strip mall yesterday in an effort to avoid walking anywhere near them, as one of them was wearing the same shirt, bewildered witnesses confirm.

“I know there’s plenty of parking over near the front of the plaza,” the 36-year-old stated. “But there’s no way I’m getting out of this piece-of-garbage ‘91 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme to willingly walk into Big Lots looking for wholesale weaved baskets in front of that crew of kids. They’d rip me to shreds, I’m sure of it. They’re even all wearing sick, torn-up band tees and they’re definitely gonna say something about my shirt. Can I still pull these things off?”

“Fuck, they’re fuckin’ cool,” she added. “How the hell is it possible to look that badass in the suburbs when you can’t even legally drive a car yet?”

Wallace’s friends claim her fears have been growing as far back as a decade ago.

“Once she started turning down free Evan Williams shot luges and homemade pepper pony poppers in the back alley of the Bug Jar, we knew it was the beginning of the end for her,” said Wallace’s longtime friend Gina Garcia. “And she always has a convenient excuse to skip shows: work went overtime, had to take the dog on a walk, a fractured tibia… She’s allegedly had appendicitis twice now. We all know she’s avoiding going out because she’s terrified of some literal child at a show challenging her credibility as a member of the scene she in fact actually helped create.”

Local high school sophomore and “cool teen” Caitlyn Mason was also confused by Wallace’s fears.

“You mean that lady wearing the Misfits shirt?” said Mason. “Yeah, she kind of reminded me of my older sister. She looked cool, so we tried flagging her over to see if she’d buy us some cigarettes and beer. We started yelling and waving to get her attention, but she just kept looking at her phone and eventually ran into the store. She must’ve been to a lot of loud-ass shows in her day, because she’s deaf as shit!”

When reached for further comment at 5 p.m., Wallace was too busy getting ready for bed to reply.

Hayao Miyazaki Hospitalized After Son Announces New 4D Smell-O-Vision Film

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

TOKYO — Legendary filmmaker Hayao Miyazaki has been hospitalized as a result of his son Gorō Miyazaki announcing that his next film will be created with CGI and require theaters with access to smell-o-vision technology.

“A film that forces its audience to smell is a dire act against the laws of humanity. As soon as Gorō told me about his new project, a feature film titled The Stinky Fish Girl, I became overwhelmed with dread,” explained Hayao Miyazaki from a hospital bed, who is expected to make a full recovery so long as his son does not announce any new details about his upcoming film. “To know that this film exists, feels like a knife through my stomach… but the fact that it is my own flesh and blood who dares to curse the name of animation by making people smell it… there are no words to accurately describe the pain I feel, and there certainly aren’t any smells.”

The matter became further complicated when many Studio Ghibli fans online confused Gorō Miyazaki for his father Hayao Miyazaki in their discussions of The Stinky Fish Girl.

“I’ve loved everything that Miyazaki has made so far; I’ve thought that they were all incredibly charming and sweet… but this new smelly film sounds really gross. I can’t believe Miyazaki is taking such a hard turn,” said 45-year-old Ohio mother Margaret Jenkins in a comment on Facebook that Hayao Miyazaki reportedly had his staff print out for him to read. “I guess I’ll watch it on an airplane one day or something.”

When reached for comment, Gorō Miyazaki explained that he just wanted to make movies that he wanted to see.

“It’s tough being the son of a great filmmaker and I definitely find myself trying to emulate him in my own films. That’s why I chose to work on The Stinky Fish Girl — which I think is a pretty clear homage to Ponyo,” Gorō Miyazaki said. “But it has also been really cool to advance the form that my father has pushed so far with his own career. It’s like taking the baton and running with animation to make it a little bit cooler. Where my father was able to innovate on setting and theme, I’m able to take what he did and introduce a little bit of awesome and heck-yea. I think ultimately, if he sticks around for the whole movie this time around, he’s gonna really dig it.”

At press time, animators at Studio Ghibli were reportedly terrified to tell Hayao Miyazaki that The Stinky Fish Girl is to be about the idea that “hard work is for suckers” out of fear that they may lose him.

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