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Plane Crash Survivors Impressed by Vegan’s Commitment

UNKNOWN — Survivors of Icelandair Flight 198, which crashed somewhere deep in the Arctic tundra last week, lauded vegan survivor Michael Hagen’s unwillingness to sacrifice his principles, even in the face of certain death.

“Once we ran out of food from the plane, we crafted makeshift hunting and fishing tools, but unfortunately for Michael, there’s not much in the way of edible vegetation here and none of us have any real farming experience. We’ve subsisted mostly on native fish and rabbits we’ve managed to catch,” reported survivor Christine Conway, fishing with a handmade spear. “There’s almost no vegetation here, but he insists that he’s ‘fine’ with the little bit of grass he found under the snow. I keep begging him to make an exception until we’re rescued, and he just keeps telling us that eating meat is the number one cause of heart disease. I respect his conviction, but it’s just a matter of time before he succumbs to starvation.”

Despite pleas from other vegan and vegetarian survivors, who briefly suspended their own beliefs, Hagen dismissed their concerns and questioned their commitment to animal rights.

“Hypocrites, the whole lot of them,” a severely emaciated Hagen said, struggling to summon the strength to speak. “They’re probably just ‘fitness vegans’ anyway and don’t actually care about animals. Sure, the pains and frequent diarrhea are bothersome, but thanks to the hallucinations, I’m usually able to tune those out. In fact, one of the pigs those savages murdered just told me the other day to stay the course, and nature will eventually provide for me.”

While medical and survival experts questioned Hagen’s logic, he did receive praise from animal right’s organizations, including People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals [PETA].

“By allowing himself to slowly waste away, Mr. Hagen is admirably helping sustain the native animal population and reduce the ecological damage done by the plane crash,” stated PETA Head, Ingrid Newkirk. “Even in a situation where there is no way to survive by sustaining a vegan lifestyle, it is despicable that the other survivors have chosen to put their own needs ahead of those of our animal brethren. PETA is working to ensure that survivors receive vegan-friendly meals as soon as humanly possible.”

Thankfully, Hagen reportedly found a stash of long-forgotten vegan meal options in a storage compartment, which the other survivors reportedly said they’d rather die than eat.