MIAMI — Local holiday and generally despised time of the year, Valentine’s Day, is determined to absolutely destroy one of the few relationships that’s somehow managed to survive the Coronavirus pandemic, sources following along anxiously report.
“Aside from maybe four people in high school and one-half of recently partnered pairs everywhere, I’m pretty much the only one who gets excited about February 14, and I think people are a little relieved to skip it this year,” the holiday said, while emailing 85% off dine-in coupons to couples who haven’t left their block in a year. “With basically no chance of anyone forgetting to make a dinner reservation and virtually zero disposable income to spend on flower deliveries or stuffed bears, the chances of me driving a wedge between two people is low. But if anyone can turn a day dedicated to displays of appreciation into an absolute shitshow, it’s me, fuckers. Coronavirus can blow me.”
The holiday set its sights on one couple in particular, Devon Shah and Omar Wright, who make up the only couple in their friend group whose relationship has not dissolved under the weight of the pandemic.
“Rather than go big, I’m narrowing my focus — quality, not quantity this year,” Valentine’s Day explained. “First, I’m gonna make sure the guy’s gift is just cleaning the kitchen. That’s it. Then I’ll time one emotionally exhausting phone call with a parent, before we cap things off with a nice Instagram post of their dog sneezing a bunch rather than one dedicated to the other. If things are still going well by then, I may try to arrange to have the WiFi go out so they have no choice but to talk to each other, but I don’t wanna push it too far. We don’t need anyone getting hurt out there.”
Mutual friend of the pair Kelsey Briceño is nervous about the couple’s fate.
“Literally every other couple I know has split this last year, and with a day that’s pretty much guaranteed to make couples fight after a year of basically being locked down… I don’t know. It doesn’t look good,” Briceño stated. “I’ll probably have some food delivered to them just to be safe, and will definitely do everything in my power to make sure any and all shitty exes stay far the fuck away from them both.”
At press time, Valentine’s Day was eagerly anticipating February 15 and the fallout from millions of Tinder users who matched the evening before.