ST. LOUIS — Local man Brian Dorney’s Valentine’s Day preparations allegedly revolve exclusively around convincing his girlfriend that 1988 classic action movie “Die Hard” is a romantic comedy, sources already debating whose side they’ll take after the break-up confirmed.
“‘Die Hard’ is such a chick flick,” Dorney said, flipping another chart page with multiple pie graphs. “It has all the classic elements of a rom com: over-the-top romantic gestures, a climactic kiss, and even a goofy best friend played by Carl Winslow. John McClane will do anything to win Holly back. It’s just like ‘The Notebook,’ except instead of writing 365 love letters and building the house of her dreams, this guy walks on broken glass and executes a German terrorist ring. I’m tearing up just thinking about it.”
Despite Dorney’s several arguments, including a PowerPoint presentation titled “Hans Gruber’s Top 3 Meet-Cutes,” girlfriend Nia Hughes is unconvinced.
“If his only plan for the most romantic day of the year is for us to sit on his broken-ass futon and watch some vigilante cop fantasy bullshit from the ‘80s, I’m officially redownloading Bumble,” warned Hughes. “He already tried to make me watch the movie on Christmas, and for some damn reason, Washington’s birthday. Last year I told him I wanted to watch something kinky like ’50 Shades of Gray.’ Well, needless to say, there wasn’t a lot of excitement in the bedroom after our Valentine’s Day ‘Hellraiser’ marathon.”
Relationship experts agree, and warn against any Valentine’s Day plans that involve the “Die Hard” franchise.
“Unfortunately, Valentine’s Day is the source of a lot of strife and can even lead to break-ups and divorce,” noted renowned couples therapist Dr. Annette St. Claire. “And, more often than not, Bruce Willis is directly involved. Around this time of year, I always remind my patients that only consenting adults with an agreed-upon safe word should even consider watching a Bruce Willis movie on Valentine’s Day. And no one, under any circumstances, should attempt to watch ‘A Good Day to Die Hard.’ Ever.”
As of press time, Dorney was hard at work strengthening his argument that eating Bagel Bites on a futon “technically qualifies as breakfast in bed.”