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Why Does the Shirtless College Kid I Pay To Eat Yogurt in Front of My Wife Deserve $15 an Hour?

I’m not against people making a living wage in this country, but to make it $15 an hour for a menial job is downright un-American! Eating yogurt shirtless in front of my wife is not a job, it’s a gig, and Mathew better learn that he can take it or leave it!

There’s no “free erotic lunch” in this country. Those charges are going to get passed down to whoever needs a college kid eating a thick dairy product in front of them to feel sexually gratified.

Let’s look at it this way, $15 an hour is equivalent to an annual salary of $31,200. On average a teacher makes $34,500 when they start off. Are you telling me the young man that helps my wife shake with satisfaction by simply eating in her presence is at the same level as the men and women that teach our youth? It’s an unskilled position. Literally, anyone can learn to eat yogurt while purposefully dripping it down their rippling abs for my wife’s perverse pleasure.

If we pay Mathew that much an hour where is the incentive for him to do better? I fear he’ll become complacent in his work and have no initiative to try to reach harder and tougher positions in his field. His 6 pack is already starting to soften and last week he outright refused to eat the yogurt out of a dog bowl even though it was brand new. There is serious room for improvement where my wife’s college sex puppet is concerned and increasing his wage would send the wrong message.

The fact is that Mathew is already compensated for his low wage by the experience he’s getting. He has a customer-facing entry-level position in the sex-work industry, one of the world’s most thriving enterprises. The skills he could be learning seducing my insatiable wife could prove to be invaluable if he only applied himself.

Did I mention that I’m already footing the bill for the yogurt? It has to be the expensive Greek stuff too because if the yogurt is the wrong viscosity my wife says it doesn’t “do it” for her.

Paying Mathew more would have a ripple effect on the rest of the economy. What about the guy I pay to contort his body into a pretzel under a glass table during my football parties? He already earns $15 and he earns it by having a skill. But if he gets wind about Mathew getting the same money for eating a goddamn snack, you can bet your bottom dollar that guy is going to demand more, and where does it end?