Press "Enter" to skip to content

Man Sues Hospital After Cutting off 2016 Festival Wristband

COLUMBUS, Ohio — Self-proclaimed “producer” and OSU alum Noah Steele is suing Riverside Methodist Hospital today following the unauthorized removal of a festival wristband that’s been on his wrist since 2016.

“I always knew it would happen someday… just not like this,” Steele said from his hospital bed, of the $75, three-day festival pass. “Do you even know how many festivals I’ve snuck into with that thing? It’s not just about the memories, my dude — I want people to know I’ve actually spent money on shows before. Now all I’ve got is this dumb cast and a three-day Vicodin prescription, and we all know those won’t get you into nearly as many venues these days.”

Witnesses claim that the nurse on duty was first-year resident Marsha Keys, who severed the wristband soon after Steele’s arrival.

“I don’t understand what the problem is,” Keys said between calls. “Usually patients are relieved to find they’re going to be alright, especially after a car crash like that. Instead, Mr. Steele keeps going on about some paper wristband… and between you and me, it doesn’t even sound like he remembers where the thing was from. And please, suing a hospital? The man could barely write his own name. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a code orange to attend to.”

Steele’s long-term girlfriend and collaborator Summer Garcia supports her partner’s decision to pursue financial compensation for his loss and countless minutes of “emotional distress.”

“Cutting Noah out of his shirt and jeans and underwear to save his life is one thing, but that wristband was a very personal effect that could have been saved, and it still had a lot of stickiness in the tape part,” Garcia stated from the food court two floors down. “The other day he woke up from a nap and reached for the wristband, but it wasn’t there, which is beyond heartbreaking to watch. I think settling for $700,000 is literally the least the hospital could do.”

The trial is set to take place two weeks from today at the Franklinton County Municipal Courthouse. Steele is requesting that any prosecutors willing to work in exchange for “a few days supply of Vicodin” contact him as soon as possible.