WASHINGTON — America’s first-born males made a stunning about-face to decades of tradition yesterday by announcing they will no longer buy alcohol for siblings younger than 16 years of age, sources within the emergency session of elder brothers confirm.
“It is a question of maturity. We’ve found that you little dinks are still too annoying and bratty for us to give you any of our hard-earned beer,” said spokesbrother Timothy Adkins. “We feel that 16 is the proper age for the next time Mom and Dad are out of town and you want to have friends over. I’m only 19 myself, so I’m not going to risk my contact at the liquor store for some child who can’t even appreciate the taste of Natural Light.”
The nation’s little brothers, however, were not happy with the news.
“This is such bullshit,” said 15-year-old Chester Hanson after asking his brother to get him some Mike’s Hard Lemonade. “He got beer from our cousin when he was my age, but all of a sudden I’m too young? I promised Whitney Cross I could get some for her birthday party next week, and if I don’t come through, I might never get to make out with her. I’d just steal some beer from the fridge in the garage, but my old man started counting them.”
Political Science Professor Dr. Heidi Edwards, Ph.D explained that this is more about economics than about younger family members’ wellbeing.
“Back in the 80s, teens would give their younger siblings booze and then make them do goofy dances or impressions of celebrities that would provide hours of entertainment,” Dr. Edwards explained. “But with a higher cost of living and a stagnant minimum wage, older brothers across the country are hoarding their booze and leaving siblings to fend for themselves. We might have a generation of kids who never have that one friend who got so drunk they had to get rushed to the emergency room to have their stomach pumped.”
Earlier today, the Younger Siblings of America tabled a counter offer of cash plus doing the dishes for the next month in the hopes of continuing negotiations.