How Changing Their Slogan From “Piss-Shittin Bad” To “Finger Lickin Good” Helped Save KFC

Between 1952 and 1964 KFC went from being a roadside stand to a thriving chain of sit-down restaurants. Today it’s the second-largest fast-food chain in the world but in the 1970s they nearly went bankrupt.

By changing the long-time, objectively true slogan “Piss-shittin bad” KFC altered the way America perceived its product and paved the way for an empire. The Hard Times has tracked down the people who ran the company at that time and assembled a sort of oral history of how the companies current, less volatile slogan “Finger lickin good” came to be.

Anthony Carmichael, KFC President 1967-1982

At first, I was pretty hesitant to changing our slogan at all. The Colonel believed in honesty, and that slogan had honesty in spades. But, as someone pointed out to me, the Colonel believed a lot of things that we as a company had walked away from. The original slogan was “White meat for white elites,” so, I guess change is good.

Roger Hainsman, KFC Sales Director 1969-1978

At the time we figured a warning label would make our product more enticing. It worked wonders for the cigarette industry. We considered frying the chicken in nicotine but everyone in the test market died so we didn’t do that. There’s a reason for the saying “Dead men buy no chicken.”

Daniel Moore, KFC Marketing Chief 1968-1997

The ‘70s brought competition. Popeyes and Bojangles were kicking our ass, and they were doing it without a single allusion to liquid diarrhea. It was time to face the fact that the game had changed.

Bob Heartly, KFC Operations Manager 1962-1976
They brought in some slick Madison Avenue ad man who told us “If you don’t like what’s being said, change the conversation” I told him I liked what was being said and he goes “Oh, you like poop?” and I was like “Yeah.” That guy was an asshole.

Daniel Moore

I was just sitting at home watching a television program where a character was eating a candy bar and I thought “What if we focused on the part where our chicken goes into the body?” When you really think about it, that’s the part people really seem to enjoy.

Bob Heartly

To this day it’s sort of insane to me that getting people to focus on the part where you eat the chicken ever worked at all. That’s like saying the best part of doing cocaine is the smell. It’s putting the cart before the piss-shit horse in my opinion, I don’t care for it.

Roger Hainsman

After months of brainstorming, workshopping, and focus grouping we finally had our new slogan: “This is good tasting chicken.”

Bob Heartly
They said “we’re going to film a television commercial” and I said, “You can’t show someone having painful diarrhea on television!” They fire back with “No no, we’re just going to show the part where he eats the food.” Apparently, that was fine by the FCC but in my opinion, it leaves very little to the imagination.

Enrique Mascarpone, Commercial Director

During the commercial shoot, our actor’s hand got so greasy that he resorted to licking the grease off of his fingers. I fired him immediately. It was a professional shoot, and he was behaving like an animal.

Daniel Moore
After that actor was rightfully terminated I started thinking it was pretty cool that our food was so tasty it caused a man to lose his sanity and publicly lick his own fingers. Maybe there was something there.

Roger Hainsman

We had to go back to the drawing board, and after 4 more months of brainstorming, workshopping, and focus grouping we finally had our new, new slogan: “This chicken made a man lick himself and he is insane now.”

Anthony Carmichael

We were insanely over budget and only had enough money left for a three-word slogan, hence “finger lickin good.” Lucky for us the average American is smart enough to read between the lines. They read those words and they think “That chicken is so good that it made a man lose his mind and lick himself. He is a bad man who is in jail now and I deserve to eat all of that man’s chicken.” How else do you explain our success?

Axl Rose Removed from Jungle Welcoming Committee

BORNEO — Controversial Guns N’ Roses frontman Axl Rose will be officially removed from the Jungle Welcoming Committee today following multiple complaints regarding his unfavorable behavior.

“The truth is, Axl just hasn’t been pulling his weight for years, and this has been a long time coming,” said Keith Wilson, President of the Los Angeles chapter of the JWC. “When someone first visits the jungle, we like to show them around, introduce them to all our many amenities — the fun, the games, etc. But Mr. Rose spends most of his time just aggressively skipping back and forth and threatening visitors with death. Plus, he never remembers to bring snacks when it’s his turn on the schedule. The one time he did bring snacks, it was just a half-eaten can of BBQ Pringles, and it was wet for some reason. We’ve had it.”

Other committee members agreed, noting that Rose frequently arrives tardy to meetings, sometimes up to four hours late.

“He’ll waltz into a meeting after we’ve been waiting on him for hours, and for some reason he’s pissed at us. By the time he actually gets there, we’ve already worked through most of our agenda,” said Van Yue, Committee Secretary. “Bottom line, he just isn’t respectful of the rest of the members. Last week he got into a feud with the treasurer; before that, he got into one with the program manager… then the volunteer coordinator, then the health and safety officer. He also has a lot of very bad blood with a local troop of spider monkeys. Everyone is absolutely exhausted.”

Aside from issues with committee members, Rose has a history of disturbing visitors of the jungle as well.

“I wouldn’t say he was welcoming, so much as abruptly hostile,” said jungle visitor Alice Cromley, who was confronted by Rose immediately upon entering the jungle. “After accosting me and my husband, he started berating my nine-year-old daughter about how ‘Chinese Democracy’ was ‘actually a really innovative album and completely worth the wait.’ And I never want to hear the word ‘knees’ again as long as I live.”

Compounding his frustration, Rose is also reportedly fighting to keep his spot within his local Civil War reenactment group.

Photo credit: Wikimedia.

Taco Bell Announces Just a Big Plastic Cup of Orange Goop

NEW YORK — A flustered public relations representative from Taco Bell called a televised press conference this morning to discuss recent menu changes, including the surprising addition of literally just a giant cup of orange goop.

“Yeah, we’re calling it the Grab-N-Gulp,” said Nancy Cole, 34, pausing to rub her eyes wearily. “It’s just… it’s a big cup of the orange stuff. You know, the cheesy orange goop sauce we put on everything, in between the actual ingredients. It’s just that, in a cup, with a… with a straw in it. No tortilla. No meat. That’s it.”

This is not the only controversial move that Taco Bell has made lately—the fast food chain recently removed and then re-added potato items to its menu, much to the outcry of fans. This, the representative explained, was why the fast food giant doubled down on the market research that led to the new product.

“We did interviews. We did questionnaires,” said Angus Carslyle, 48, a senior marketing executive. “God, we did a lot of questionnaires, believe me. And people just kept asking for more goop. Frankly, we’re happy to oblige—we axed half our R&D staff last week and switched our production over to more horrible orange bullshit. It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to us.”

Cole spoke with a thousand-yard stare at the press conference as she made it clear that this was a decision the company had come to after months of careful research. Ignoring questions from reporters, she continued to speak in a trance-like state.

“We asked the people what they wanted,” she said, droning on in a monotone, her eyes wide with something akin to horror. “We asked America what they wanted from Taco Bell and the people have spoken in one loud, unified voice to say: give us more chemically cultured orange sludge. We don’t know why you want this. We don’t know why anyone would want this. But you keep buying it. God help us.”

With the release of the Grab-N-Gulp and the firing of the entire Quality Assurance department, Taco Bell’s financial analysts were pleased to announce they are looking forward to their most profitable year yet.

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We Remember the Time Tom Delonge Rhymed ‘Think’ With ‘Eat’

We remember it like it was just yesterday plus 20 years. It was the Summer of 2001 and Blink 182 had just released Take Off Your Pants and Jacket. It was a more emotional departure from their previous works. Fun, happy tracks about jerking off a dog were replaced with more somber, wistful tunes about jerking off a grandpa. Oh, and one about fucking a dog in the ass. That one was acoustic. Anyway, by the time they released their second single, “First Date,” that October, nothing would ever be the same again. But because of that and nothing else.

We at The Hard Times look back on the time when Tom Delonge rhymed the word “think” with the word “eat.”

Tom Delonge is no stranger to bending words to make them rhyme. The English language has 42 distinct phonemes but grammar scientists have since added an additional 13 after recently discovering the linguistic enigma on a classic rock station. However, the “think” and “eat” rhyme remains an anomaly.

Let’s look at the line itself:
“I’m too scared of what you think
You make me nervous so I really can’t eat.”

Okay, so, logically this lyric checks out. A recent study by anxious nutritionists even proposed dating as a form of intermittent fasting. But the airtight lyricism of Blink 182 is not on trial here.

How did we become so used to Tom Delonge’s bastardized English that he rhymed two words that didn’t have a single similar sound between them AND NO ONE NOTICED? To put it simply: How did we get to this point and is this Hell?

Honestly, we just wish we could go back to simpler times like when Eminem rhymed “first place” with “birth day.” At least that was before Bush did 9/11.

Capitol Rioter Can’t Believe Nobody’s Noticed He Kidnapped Tiffany Trump

FREDERICK, Md. — 48-year-old insurrectionist Mark Fleming is still struggling to understand how nobody noticed that he kidnapped Tiffany Trump during the chaos that took place in the U.S. Capitol on January 6th, stunned sources not exactly sure what to do at this point confirmed.

“It’s been almost a month, and I haven’t gotten a knock on my door from anyone, whether it be a travelling salesman or an FBI agent. She’s a Trump, for fuck’s sake — I just assumed this would be a national story by now,” said Fleming, a passionate Trump supporter who nonetheless tried to capitalize on the mayhem by kidnapping the former President’s daughter. “I’ve tried sending ransom letters to intelligence agencies, the White House, even the Trump Organization… but the only agent who reached out to me was trying to find a photo of a fish Chuck Schumer caught. Holding someone captive is a lot more work than I thought. I might just have to cut her loose.”

To her credit, Tiffany Trump remains confident that a rescue operation is already underway.

“I’m sure the FBI is just keeping the story under wraps so that the public doesn’t panic, just like they’re doing with the Democrats’ election rigging and cannibalism. Still, it’s a little weird that none of my friends or family have filed a missing person report or anything,” said the youngest Trump daughter. “I managed to sneak on my captor’s computer and send out a few SOS tweets, but nobody even acknowledged them. Maybe I was banned from Twitter, too?”

Meanwhile, the Trump Organization doesn’t appear too concerned that Tiffany is in any danger.

“We haven’t heard anything about a kidnapping, but even if we had, what are we supposed to do about it?” said Eric Trump, Executive Vice President of the Trump Organization and Tiffany’s older brother. “Our financial situation is a bit precarious at the moment. We’re not exactly bursting at the seams with ransom money to throw at every so-called Trump who claims to have been kidnapped during a patriotic attempt to install the correct president. If this were Ivanka we were talking about, that might be different. But Tiffany? Come on, be serious.”

However, former President Trump has offered a $1 million reward to anyone who has information surrounding a box of Dunkaroos that went missing during his move out of the White House.

So Far Biden Has Done Zero To Defend Pop Punk

There’s no denying Biden has many challenges to overcome in order to heal our divided nation. He certainly has his work cut out for him. Between ramping up COVID measures and associating the suburbs with street cred, Biden has already taken some positive steps in my opinion. But don’t invite your hometown friends over for a pizza party just yet. What exactly has Joe Biden done so far to defend pop-punk?

Is Joe Biden already dragging his feet on promises he made on the campaign trail? Well, that’s the story so far anyway. This is a slap in the face to our scene/voting block. How can he do this to so many single-issue voters like me, you, and everyone we know?

Look, We just want to be respected as adults who like songs from the point of view of a high school stalker. Yes, I know we’re already free to do that but we don’t want people to call us out on it. We’re not looking for special treatment. Wait, yes we are. Now give it to us.

Pop-punk in America has been under attack since day one, people! We are a collective victim of a global scene-shaming. Did you know that simply announcing you’re a Knucklepuck fan will still make you a target in the pit at a Biden rally? Trust me, I’ve started tons of pits at Biden rallies. Any rally, really. Yet so far, Man-Joeverboard Biden has personally done nothing to stop me.

I can’t believe we even still have to defend pop-punk. In 2012, I wasn’t as pop-politically active about this issue because I thought someone would have handled it by now. Maybe some sort of pop-punk preserve situation? Hillary would have done it.

Mr. President, take heed to these words. Lest you allow our great nation to fall into the cavernous abyss that is our differences. Let us come together, heal, and protect and—dare I say defend—each other. Thank you and may God bless pop-punk.

Mysterious, Stoic Bassist Revealed to be Cardboard Cut Out of The Crow

DALLAS — Local band Black Hole Generator finally admitted yesterday that their legendarily enigmatic bassist Eric Coughlin was actually just a cardboard cutout of cult hero and fictional character, The Crow.

“At first we did it to save some money… you know, one less person to split a cut with. But at this point we’re tired of loading in a bass and amps for someone who doesn’t exist,” said frontwoman Gabriela Alvarez. “And it’s getting harder to hide that one of our members was stolen from a Blockbuster in 1995. Years of touring haven’t exactly been kind to a glorified paper cutout, and a combination of duct tape and clever lighting can only do so much.”

Fans were shocked to learn that a founding member of the local legends was made of heavy duty paper.

“Black Hole Generator have been part of this town’s scene for years; it’s absolutely insane that none of us noticed one member of this three-member band was a promotional image from ‘The Crow,’” said local bartender and self-proclaimed superfan Bart James. “But now that it’s out in the open, I did always think Eric was sorta stiff and looked pretty familiar. Plus, it was weird how he had this super goth aesthetic, when the rest of the band was in Chucks and old Vans hats.”

Some, like Black Hole Generator’s merch guy Paul Chang, see the revelation as an opportunity.

“I’ve actually been a bassist for years, but I never mentioned it to the band since they were married to this weird cardboard cutout idea… and to be honest, the cutout was kind of weirdly intimidating, so I just laid back,” Chang said, pretending to tune a bass. “Now, after seven long years paying my dues behind the table, I’m finally gonna get my shot up on that stage to show my stuff. I know I have some big shoes to fill, but I think the fact that I’m a three dimensional human being will really show everyone that I mean business.”

Sadly for Chang, however, Black Hole Generator has already hired a cardboard cutout of Matthew Lillard as Stevo Levy from the 1998 film “SLC Punk!” as their new bassist.

Sony Accidentally Vaporizes Demonstrator in Showcase of PS5’s Technical Power

NEW YORK — CEO of Sony Interactive Entertainment Jim Ryan accidentally vaporized intern Kris Smythe in a livestream demonstration of the PlayStation 5 this morning, according to horrified witnesses.

“We are incredibly sorry to the Smythe family for electrocuting their son Kris after hooking him up to the console’s incredibly powerful CPU with jumper cables. This is a tragedy that brings a tear to my eye, as if witnessing a scene from the upcoming Ratchet & Clank: Rift Apart, available quarter two, 2021,” said Ryan in a press conference following the demonstration. “We will be following up with the Smythe family to make sure they are taken care of, giving them several PlayStation 5s, as well as one free year of PS Plus.”

“No one can replace Kris,” Ryan added. “Not even the PS5 — although, I admit it comes close. Really close. But just not quite there. The PS6 will probably be able to replace him, but we’re just not there yet.”

According to those familiar with the situation, Kris’ mother Marissa Smythe is reportedly suing Sony for workplace safety ignorance as result of her son’s death.

“It’s just completely ridiculous. Kris didn’t need to die… he was a perfectly healthy, beautiful boy. They should have known better. No one could possibly withstand the power of the PlayStation 5. Not even Kris,” Smythe said outside a local courthouse. “I find myself up at night, staring at the ceiling, wondering what I could have done better. What if Kris had worked for Microsoft instead of Sony, like he wanted? I pressured him to take the Sony job… he would still be alive, I know it. The Xbox Series X couldn’t kill anyone at all, oh God!”

At press time, Ryan announced that Sony would be releasing an exclusive PS5 dedicated to Kris and his sacrifice to their company available for a short time to fans who put on notification alerts for Wario64’s Twitter account for a month and get really lucky.

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Man Retires From Proud Boys after Single Hug From Father

VANCOUVER, Wash. — Local neo-fascist Greg Pough retired as an active member of the Proud Boys today following a three-second embrace with his father that ended with a pat on the back, stunned sources confirmed.

“I still firmly believe that Western culture is under attack, but when my old man wrapped me in his strong arms and whispered, ‘Bring it in, son,’ I just didn’t have the will to fight anymore,” said Pough, while loading an Ikea bag full of gold-trimmed Fred Perry polos for donation. “The Proud Boys validated me as a man. I loved going down to Portland and making friends with all the cops before pummeling some leftist protester. But, I think I’m ready to go back to harassing people on Facebook — no more fighting in the streets. That’s the power of a father’s love.”

Al Pough, the father responsible for his son’s sudden softening, believes the hug was long overdue.

“Listen, I know I’ve been a hardass, but he’s always been such a meatball. The kid can’t throw a football to save his life, and one time at the batting cages, he cried before he even stepped up to the plate because ‘the balls were too fast,’” said the elder Pough. “I didn’t raise him to be a bigot; I just tried to raise him to be tough. I guess I never realized my approval was something he craved — I mean, this kid rollerbladed well into high school. He really put me in a tough position, but I’m glad we’re in a good place now.”

Researchers who specialize in far-right terrorist organizations found that a father’s love is often the first step in preventing white men from becoming radicalized.

“Our data shows that saying something as simple as, ‘You aren’t so bad’ can reduce the likelihood of their child joining a militia by 30%,” said lead researcher Kira Powell. “If a father said the magic words, ‘I love you,’ then that percentage jumped up to 90%. But oftentimes straight men are so afraid to say those words to a member of the same sex, even if it’s their child, that they will go to extremes to avoid it. Affectionate nicknames like ‘champ’ and ‘buddy,’ however, measured off the chart.”

Proud Boy leadership has reportedly noticed the decline in new members, promising to teach all new members how to shave, high-five, and unclasp a bra with one hand.