Man Has Spine Removed To Bend Over Backward Defending Marilyn Manson

Posted on February 3, 2021 by Collin Canning

HUNTINGTON, N.Y — Part-time barista and avid Marilyn Manson fan, Scuff Leeway underwent an invasive spine removal surgery in an effort to reach batshit arguments in defense of the aging shock rocker against recent claims of abuse, exasperated sources report.

“This was an incredible feat of medical science,” said Dr. Jay Dixon-Chiu, who specializes in such rare procedures as total laminectomies. “With the patient’s spine totally removed he should be able to bend over completely backwards to defend a man who has openly bragged about abusing women for years. I feel like the success of this procedure should open the door for even more men to augment their ability to dismiss atrocities carried out by their junior high idols.”

Leeway, who has no health insurance or shame, has gone to extraordinary lengths over the years to defend and emulate Brian Warner, better known by stage name Marilyn Manson.

“I’ve been a Manson fan for years, he’s inspired me to experiment with body modification and gaslighting,” stated Leeway from his hospital bed following the surgery to remove the pesky backbone which had been preventing him from rationalizing away the various claims of abuse against the 90’s icon. “I have always dyed my hair, pierced my flesh and worn corpse paint like Manson. I even gained 35 pounds on a diet of nothing but red wine. Removing a bone, that’s the big one, but it’s tough being a man these days and someone’s gotta stick up for those super rich and famous little guys who have the ability to abuse their power unchallenged for years.”

Leeway’s former coworker and Facebook friend, Trina Banerjee, is not at all surprised to learn of the lengths he went through.

“Anyone with a brain and basic decency would struggle to reach the talking points this idiot insists on shouting out into the internet void if they had any semblance of a backbone, so I guess he did what he had to do,” Banerjee stated. “Hopefully all of his ribs are still intact and he accidentally cracks one reaching for his podcast equipment tomorrow or something. One can hope.”

At press time, Leeway was said to be making a full recovery and according to Dr. Dixon will be “berating women on Twitter again in a matter of days.”

Guy Afraid to Tell Coworkers His Salary Because He’s Paid in Trident Layers Gum

Posted on February 2, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

BUFFALO, N.Y. — Local accountant Owen Yates is reportedly afraid to reveal his salary to his coworkers because of the fact that he is paid in Trident Layers gum, according to close sources from within the company.

“I know that everyone is sharing their salaries in an effort to make sure that everyone is paid equitably, but fuck, man, I don’t want everyone to be jealous of me once they realize I’m not paid in money, but am paid in Trident Layers gum,” explained Yates in whispers to a co-worker who wished to remain anonymous. “Our system is so fucked up, man. I just wish everyone could be paid in gum. This shit chews you up and spits you right back out.”

Despite Yates having not revealed to many employees his gum-based salary, rumors have circulated around the office.

“Nobody ever pays me in gum,” said senior ad executive Marsha Shah in a viral Medium.com essay about unfair practices at their workplace. “We have a culture in this country where we’re taught to be silent about our salaries, because it encourages people to not ask their bosses for more. When I started at this job, I had an entry level salary of $39,000. That’s barely enough to cover rent and living expenses. So it’s absolutely absurd to discover that other employees who started at the same time as me, in equivalent positions, were paid in Trident Layers gum. My landlord loves gum. It could have been the difference between making and not making rent for me, some months.”

According to a new study by Columbia University, Americans are 75% more likely to be paid in various forms of Trident gums if they were raised in a household where their parents were paid in gum.

“The issue of wage disparity is systemic,” explained researcher Dr. Terrence Drake. “If you live in a household filled with gum, you’re more likely to chew it in high school, have great breath all through class, have teachers like you more, get better grades, be given access to higher tier universities, and be granted the highest paying jobs once you exit into the workforce. Also because you’ll be richer. That’s like, actually, maybe even a bigger deal, now that I think of it.”

At press time, in a desperate effort to conceal his wealth from his co-workers, Yates anxiously chewed up seven months of his pay while sitting in a bathroom stall.

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The Top 5 Comments on Hard Drive Articles This Week

Posted on February 2, 2021 by Owen Crowlie

After all that talk about ‘rising up,’ gamers finally did it. Eschewing hero shooters and fighters, we’re finally playing the ultimate competitive game: the stock market. And despite years of GameStop giving us five dollars maximum for used games, we’ve come to save them in theirWith the news out of the way, let’s focus on what I truly know inside and out: good comments. darkest hour. Of course, hedge funds and investment apps are trying to work together in order to save their hides, but if anyone is better at finding systemic exploits than the wealthy, it’s gamers with nothing but time on their hands. With the news out of the way, let’s focus on what I truly know inside and out: good comments.

If you ever find yourself in this situation, take it from me: drinking all of the alcohol in your inventory will not increase your charisma enough to get through the encounter. If you are going for speed, though, it is the quickest way to get the bad ending.

HEARTWARMING: These Gamers Set Up A Plastic “Hang Out Curtain” So That People Could Safely Watch Sonic Porn With Their Friends This Holiday Season

Christina, your comment is a lot of fun, but it is irresponsible of you to potentially inspire a sequel to Click in which Adam Sandler is a gamer. This is a public call for you to delete this before everyone opens up Netflix to see Sandler doing a Fornite dance and yelling “POGGERS.” I am begging you.

Hard Drive does not endorse attacking the elderly for healing items: you do not want to risk the last of your health and get a hard candy drop instead. The safest strategy is to sneak into the back of the Taco Bell and steal bandages that you can wrap around your arm every time you’re about to succumb.

Yes, it’s real.

Thank you so much for your comments, everybody. Remember, if you want a chance to be in next week’s column, be sure to leave a funny comment on any of our posts on social media!

I Can’t Wait to Start Whackin’ Off All Day

Posted on February 2, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

Hello gamers! By now you’ve probably read from a dozen different outlets that I have decided to step down as CEO of Amazon. All of these tweets and articles have mentioned that I am going to be focusing on things like the Amazon Day One 1 and Blue Origin, and while that isn’t necessarily false, what I am revealing here exclusively today is that I am most exciting about finally getting to beat off like four of five times a fucking day, dude.

I’ll address the obvious question first: yes, I totally jerked off a lot while I was CEO. Probably too much, frankly, but it’s not at all what it sounds like. It’s not like I get off on being the richest guy in the world, it’s just that every time I see some headline that says “Jeff Bezos made 70 billion dollars during the pandemic” or something, I think about how I should be doing a lot cooler shit with this unspeakable wealth, and it’s that feeling of shame that would lead me to spend most business days these last few years feverishly fucking my hand while most of my staff figured I was in here taking calls or something. Not the way I want to be jacking it a half dozen times a day, I assure you!

In addition to costing me my marriage, my destructive love affair with myself ultimately caused me to lose focus on the company I started in my garage (guess why haha). Thus, I am appointing a new CEO and transitioning to chairman of the Amazon board, where I’ll sit around cranking it all day for sure, but this will almost certainly be done in a much more innocent, bored sort of way. I’ll pop into the Bezos Earth Fund slack once in a while I guess, but mostly I bet I’m gonna just be checking my bank apps and whacking off for the foreseeable future. I am looking forward to seeing the direction this company takes with us in these new roles, and I am really excited about probably having people pop into my office less often, if you know what I’m saying.

Additionally, I have left my old desk behind in my office, to send a message to incoming CEO Andy Jassy that anybody can do what I did, and that it all starts with sitting down and doing the work. Don’t look under there though, Andy, it’s an awful fuckin’ mess.

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Now That Systemic Racism Is Over, Can I Get Out of Jail for Having Weed 3 Years Ago?

Posted on February 2, 2021 by Yancy Lee Crawford

In November of 2020, science, love, and decency conquered all that stood in the way of justice, and America got on the right side of history now and forever! A nation united by one common goal toppled the Trump presidency, thus solving, curing, and making amends for about half a millennium’s worth of systemic racism in the United States. Congrats everyone. We did it.

So now that America has cemented its status as the most firmly anti-racist nation in the world, I can get out of jail for this bullshit weed charge, right?

Don’t get me wrong, I had some weed. That much was true. However, I was pulled over and searched without probable cause and that roach has kept me in jail every day since the night of my senior homecoming. Since then, the state that arrested, charged, tried, and incarcerated me has decriminalized possession of marijuana. If I was free, I could buy specialty strains at CVS to cure my hemorrhoids or help me forget the time I was stripped of my freedom, so I have no idea why I’m still in jail. It’s probably safe to assume the executive orders signed on January 26 will cut me and every other person indefinitely detained for a bowl’s worth of trashy mids loose as soon as our COs get done processing the paperwork. Thanks, Joe!

Looking back, my arrest happened during a barbaric chapter in our nation’s history. Can you believe people were still threatening to violently overthrow the government in 2018? That feels so long ago. In Biden’s America, Republican lawmakers are acknowledging and dismantling institutionalized white supremacy. Democrats are refusing to support policies just to placate voters that would lock their car if they saw LeBron James in street clothes or a Celtics jersey. In fact, my buddy Tanner—who was in the car with me and only got probation—told me Whole Foods is selling clones and I am here for it. “Here” meaning prison, of course. For possession of a legal substance.

I can’t wait to get out and experience everything our freshly non-racist nation has to offer. Did you know there are new movies starring Taye Diggs? Seeing representation in media almost makes up for spending the last few years not having access to media.

And they won’t stop here! After the most progressive Oval Office in U.S. history pardons millions of American civilians being unfairly punished for hot-boxing a Jetta, I know they’ll handle the detainees at Guantanamo Bay and the ICE detention facilities with the same compassion and speed.

Recently Divorced Man Solemnly Lowers Toilet Seat to Half Mast

Posted on February 2, 2021 by James Knapp

DENVER — Newly single man Chris Fangerburg held a moment of silence for his former relationship today, lowering the toilet seat in his recently rented studio apartment halfway down following the conclusion of his divorce hearing, inconsolably somber sources confirmed.

“She’s gone! Oh God, she’s gone!” cried Fangerburg while attempting to prepare a 21-gun salute using several empty toilet paper rolls and a can of Axe body spray. “She always hated when I left the toilet seat up. This ceremony is to remind myself of all the times that I didn’t take her bathroom experience into consideration, and how it tragically brought an end to our love. What else could her attorney have meant when he cited ‘irreconcilable differences’ in the divorce papers?”

Fangerburg’s ex-wife Kara Jakowski, however, disputed the notion that toilet seat protocol was the main reason for the couple’s separation.

“He thinks the toilet thing is what this is about? That asshole fucked our marriage counselor!” explained Jakowski while burning a cardboard box containing Fangerburg’s remaining shirts and pants. “And that was just the last straw: we only had to go to counseling in the first place because that idiot spent our life savings on a speedboat that he crashed into a lighthouse. And before that, he traded my grandmother’s diamond earrings for an old VW van so he could follow Phish around on tour for nine months. He missed the birth of our daughter because of that.”

Behavioral psychologist Carl Crane explained how underlying issues in a marriage can manifest unintended ways.

“In a relationship, seemingly innocuous actions, such as leaving the toilet seat up or ceaseless, spiteful masturbation, can often be a subconscious expression of deep dissatisfaction. It’s important to reconcile these behaviors with the internal problems causing them in order to form a strong emotional bond with one’s partner,” Crane explained. “Otherwise, you’re gonna run a real big risk of crashing on a twin-size mattress in your buddy’s unfinished attic while you ‘figure things out’ for a bit. I’ve seen it a hundred times.”

Fangerburg was last seen researching “pneumatic toilet seat schematics” while also considering how much it would cost to start his own record label.

Oh Shit! Negativity Not Welcome Here

Posted on February 2, 2021 by Nick Ortolani

Sometimes a political statement comes along that really forces one to rethink their whole world view. While it’s been centuries since Martin Luther nailed his 95 Theses to the church door, that hasn’t stopped countless individuals from following in his footsteps and nailing their various theses to the church doors of our minds. I had no idea my tiny, insignificant life was caught in the orbit of such a profound mind until I saw my neighbor’s “Negativity Not Welcome Here” sign on their aggressively browning lawn.

Talk about a no bullshit, take-no-prisoners attitude. If I was stupid enough to bring any negativity even close to their house, I’d be kissing my own ass like it was leaving for war. I shudder to think what cruel punishment awaits those who harsh the mellow of Good Vibes Manor.

Imagine being the cursed soul to cast a sideways glance at their next craft beer tasting soiree? Or perhaps a passive-aggressive comment towards a trinket purchased during their seventh annual international vacation? When I think of the world-o-hurt that poor fool is in for I just want to grab my children and hold them as close as I can.

What I’m most impressed by is the bravery. In a world where so many seem to insist on being such pouty-cats about everything, from racism to poverty, finally here are some people willing to say enough is enough. They saw a problem in the world and decided to fix it by erecting this sign, an arduous task that must have taken dozens of seconds.

Imagine a world where everyone had the courage to see injustice, march down to Target, and purchase a carefully curated lawn sign that vaguely summarizes a feeling they may have had. These people are heroes. And I don’t mean heroes the way we throw that term around willy-nilly when talking about firefighters or civil rights leaders. I’m talking about real, honest, salt of the earth gentrifiers. The kind of people that saw low-income housing 20 years ago and said “we will make a paradise of this,” the people who boldly erected Starbucks after Panera Bread after Pier 1 Imports until the work was done.

I don’t think we’ll find a sentiment that better captures resistance to the current zeitgeist. It’s no sermon on the mount because the sermon on the mount sucked shit and was written by a poor person.

Uh Oh: Billy Corgan Just Realized “Minimum Wage” Rhymes with “Rat in a Cage”

Posted on February 2, 2021 by Ted Pillow

CHICAGO — Smashing Pumpkins frontman Billy Corgan finally noticed yesterday that “minimum wage” rhymes with “rat in a cage,” according to horrified sources who have dreaded this moment for years.

“Buckle up, capitalist overlords, ‘cuz I’m coming for ya!” shouted a triumphant Corgan while twirling a massive scarf embroidered with the message, “This Accessory Kills Fascists.” “I always wanted to take a stance on minimum wage, but only if it was really more about me and how I’m such a brooding, tortured genius. Well, it finally dawned on me that I can just update my classic anthem ‘Bullet with Butterfly Wings’ to feature lyrics about how minimum wage workers are treated like rats in a cage. Just like I am, on account of all my rage.”

“Once this hits the airwaves,” he added, “it won’t be long before the guy who cleans my pool starts getting his $5 a day so he can afford soup or whatever the fuck.”

However, workers’ rights advocates were devastated by Corgan’s discovery.

“It was only a matter of time before some Gen X grunge assclown used our movement to make themselves seem relevant and progressive,” noted labor activist Brianna Kendrick. “We were prepared for Courtney Love or Dave Grohl, but Corgan is an absolute catastrophe. I wouldn’t be surprised if this song somehow lowers the minimum wage. This is even worse than when The Offspring tried to end racism by changing the lyrics from ‘Pretty Fly (for a White Guy)’ to ‘Pretty Fly (for a White Ally).’”

For their part, current and former Smashing Pumpkins members alike are also concerned.

“When he sets his mind on something, look out,” admitted drummer Jimmy Chamberlin. “In 2002 we released a double album based entirely on the concept of an alternate universe in which Billy had a full head of hair. Sure, I feel bad for how this might affect workers, but I’ve got my own battles to fight: this morning he told me I’m kicked out of the band unless I legally change my name to Max Imumwage.”

At press time, Corgan was frantically searching a rhyming dictionary in an attempt to change the lyrics “The world is a vampire/set to drain” into something about maternity leave.

Steam Announces Oddly Specific ‘Games You and Molly Used to Play Before You Broke Up’ Sale

Posted on February 1, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

BELLEVUE, Wash. — Online video game retailer Steam has announced an eerily particular sale, seemingly curated exclusively around games you used to play with Molly Pendergrass, your coworker that you dated for eight months.

“Damn dude, that’s fucked up,” said your buddy Cal, when he heard about the collection. “I know how you’ve gotten really into PC games since the breakup, that must really have been a gut punch to get online and see that. Let me know if you want to borrow my Switch or anything. It’s gonna be okay, man. Don’t play any of those games, okay?”

The eight game collection features games seemingly unconnected to each other, save for the fact that you used to play them with the girl you really thought you might marry before she left because she had to “figure some stuff out.” Steam representatives explained the atypical sale theme earlier today on a call with reporters.

“We’ve been doing different themed sales for years and years and we’re always looking for new ideas,” said Jules Cortez, a spokesperson for Valve. “So we just started combing through different backlogs and user profiles and things like that, and we realized that Molly and her old piece of shit boyfriend actually used to play some pretty fun stuff. So we sorta just ran with it. In hindsight, it was not a very professional decision.”

When reached for comment, Molly has reportedly moved on and isn’t interested in revisiting the past, or the sale.

“Honestly, I really didn’t like playing most of those games,” she said. “I just tried to be a good girlfriend, because he was so excited about playing them, but yeah, not really my thing. There was one where, and I am not making this up, I had a team of worms and I was trying to kill his team of worms. That was the whole thing. And then I kept accidentally blowing my worms up, so he ended up playing both sides. This was a Saturday night!”

The ‘Games You and Molly Used to Play Before You Broke Up Sale’ will continue until Monday, at which point Steam’s annual ‘Games You Have No Interest In But Your Goddamn Friends are All Playing For Some Reason’ will begin.

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Opinion: I’m Waiting ‘Til Marriage To Address the Fact That Something Is Seriously Wrong With My Relationship

Posted on February 1, 2021 by Dan Rice

I’m not a religious person or anything, but in some ways I guess I’m just old fashioned. This may not be a popular opinion and it’s certainly not something I would ever try to push on anyone else but for me, I just don’t think two people should acknowledge the fact that their relationship is irreparably damaged until after marriage.

I want the first time I sit down with a woman, look her in the eyes, and say “Is this really working?” to be with my wife, not some random hookup.

In high school, my guy-friends used to tease me because I was the only one in our circle who hadn’t had sex with a girl, fallen head over heels in love with her, and then gradually let some combination of past trauma and external elements painfully and irreversibly drive us apart. But looking back, I feel sorry for those guys. When they get married and inevitably come to terms with the fact that the relationship is no longer working, it’s just gonna be another walk in the park for them. When my bride-to-be and I finally have the big talk, it’s going to be a big deal.

I think about it all the time. We step into our hotel suite bloated and confused having just spent thousands of dollars to have the worst stage fright and anxiety either of us has ever felt. Then we both look at one another, realize that we are the exact same people we were when we woke up that morning, and think to ourselves “Jesus, all that was for… what… this?!” And with any luck, nine months later, we will divorce.

Don’t get me wrong, my fiance and I are not prudes. We have done some things. We have pleasured each other orally. We have had full-on bareback vaginal intercourse. We’ve invited total strangers into our bed for the thrill of it. I just want the moment we finally face the cold reality of the fact that what we have is toxic and unsustainable to be special.

Sure, sometimes I get tired of waiting. Sometimes at night when I’m scrolling endlessly on my phone and she’s rewatching Friends for the third time in a row, each of us silently terrified that one of us will try to talk to or god forbid touch the other, I feel a nearly uncontrollable urge to grab her and say “Dammit Lauren I want you, right here, right now, to leave.”

Hey, if you think I’m too old fashioned, you should try talking to my fiance. She’s still trying to convince me we should wait until we have kids to admit it’s over.