Porn Parody ‘Girls Done Quick’ Not Particularly Popular

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — Girls Done Quick, a new livestreamed porn parody of the hit video game convention Games Done Quick in which pornstars “speedrun” having sex with their partners, has bombed with its prospective audience of horny gamers.

“As with most of our parodies, we thought of the title first and just rolled with it. Turns out, that was a pretty big mistake — people are not looking for porn in which we have the quickest orgasms possible,” explained Minecraft-based speedrunning pornstar, Cream. “Even though market research shows that there’s a huge crossover between video game speedrun fans and jerking off fans, you can’t combine em! “

“Overwatch? You’re good to go. Fortnite? You bet people will jerk off to that. League of Legends? Some of the most popular porn on the entire internet,” he added. “Cum on Tits Any% WR – 0:00:02… not particularly liked! Lesson learned.”

According to those familiar with the situation, the speedrunning premise was not the only issue with the event.

“Today I learned! Porn doesn’t need commentators!” said Super Mario Odyssey-based speedrunning pornstar BigAssAnt. “I definitely think it weirded people out to have someone commentating over the fucking, explaining the specific strats that the pornstars were using in order to orgasm as quickly as possible. We thought for sure that people would be interested. The general public doesn’t know things like step-sister-skip, which lets you bypass the need for background information intimacy, and glitch immediately into fu— oh shit, I’m doing it again. Sorry. What we learned was that pretty much every second of the event was, uh, ‘a good time to go through some donations.’”

At press time, fans became furious after discovering that the money they begrudgingly donated to the event was not even sent to Doctors Without Borders, like Games Done Quick, but was instead sent to the porn event’s parent company, Doctors With Boners: Sex Doctors.

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Business Owner Agrees to Pay Employees $15 An Hour if They Agree to Let Him Hunt Them Once A Year

Posted on by Kevin Tit

BILOXI, Miss. — Local fast food chain CEO Shannon Smith reluctantly agreed to pay his employees $15 an hour last week, on the condition that he can transport them to a private compound and hunt them as prey once a year, startled sources confirm.

“I think it’s a good deal, and I don’t understand the pushback,” Smith complained. “Despite what people might say, I’m actually a really nice guy. These ingrates don’t even consider the fact that I have to sacrifice buying a new boat big enough to house my smaller boat for their ludicrous pay raise. I don’t think having my staff gather at my house of torture once a year to be hunted for sport is any more unreasonable than them asking me to double their hourly rate so they can make ‘a living wage’ or whatever.”

While Smith is adamant that his proposition is fair, not a single member of his staff is thrilled about the deal.

“We’re requesting more money so we can live without the crippling stress of falling behind on bills,” said shift supervisor Stacy Martin. “Now this psycho is arguing that a 72-hour long Hunger Games-type of ‘team building’ exercise with his staff in the swamps of Biloxi would not only ensure there’s more money to go around, but it would also bring us closer together as a company? I hate this whole thing, but the price of my daughter’s insulin isn’t making it easy to say no. Plus, I feel like I might be able to outrun him, since he’s gotta be close to 200 years old.”

With the recent push in Congress to increase the federal minimum wage to $15 an hour, labor unions across the country have been helping to organize employees against deals similar to this.

“For far too long, employers have directly exploited their employees,” says UFWC 400 union representative Atticus Fidel. “We’re seeing a rise in cases where business owners are offering these heinous deals to their staff in exchange for wages they already deserve. Some even report uncovering the heads of minimum wage employees mounted on the walls of vacation homes, and mock ‘Fear Factor’ challenges in exchange for sick days.”

At press time, Smith was consulting with contractors on an estimate for “Indiana Jones-Style Booby Traps” and tranquilizer darts.

Biden Worried Netflix Won’t Know Where to Mail His DVDs Now

Posted on by Ted Pillow

WASHINGTON — Newly-inaugurated President Joe Biden is extremely concerned that “The Netflix” won’t know to send his rental DVDs to his new address at the White House, frustrated sources within the administration confirmed.

“I tried logging on to their internet page to make sure they don’t send those tapes to my place in Delaware, but it just kept showing episodes of ‘House of Cards’ season three. I haven’t even watched season two yet,” explained a beleaguered Biden while checking his mailbox for the sixth time that day. “I don’t want TV shows on my computer, buddy — I want them on my television, where they belong. What’s next, reading the news on my phone? Give me a break, man.”

White House staff attempted to calm Biden, explaining that they could easily procure any movie, TV show, or documentary the president desires, but to no avail.

“Even after four years of working for Trump, this has been the worst week of my life,” confided White House IT technician Gavin Roberts. “I knew I was in trouble when he told me his Netflix password was ‘Joebidenspassword.’ But his obsession with getting his ‘videos’ in the mail really takes the cake. I tried to explain streaming to him, but he wouldn’t calm down until I lied and said we sent ‘Mr. Netflix’ a special letter about it. It was like reassuring a six-year-old who just moved that Santa will still bring presents.”

Netflix revealed that they have spent considerable resources trying to soothe President Biden’s irrational concerns.

“As we have informed President Biden, literally everyone in the country is aware of his address change, and he will receive the DVDs in his queue,” noted Netflix customer service manager Vanessa Nguyen. “Unfortunately, it’s pretty obvious that we’re now in for at least another four years of nightly calls from Biden asking questions like if we’re going to charge him because he forgot to rewind that ‘Barbarella’ DVD. Well, at least he can give us a hand by looking around the West Wing for some of the ‘Toddlers & Tiaras’ DVDs Trump neglected to return.”

As of press time, a fed-up Biden decided he’d just borrow the “House of Cards” DVDs directly from his close personal friend, Kevin Spacey.

You’re a Phoebe Bridgers Fan? Name Three Antidepressants You’ve Been Prescribed

Posted on by Janelle Becraft

Sick Phoebe Bridgers tat ya got there. Is that her whole face covering your entire torso? Cool, cool. You must be a real fan then, huh? A real “Bridgers Burner” like me? Mhm. I bet. Well if you’re such a big fan then I guess you’ll have no problem naming three antidepressants you’ve been prescribed.

Well of course you’re gonna say “Lexapro, Zoloft, and Prozac.” Those are like the most popular ones! You couldn’t even name a deep cut like Celexa or an old classic people forgot about like Paxil. Hell, I bet you can’t even name one of their side projects like Marplan (or anything from the MAOI collective). Pleeb.

I’m starting to doubt your undying love for the least corny thing associated with Conor Oberst. Seriously, do you even mope? How often do you even stare out the window longingly during a thunderstorm? I bet you live in a dry climate. Poser. For me, it’s always raining because I never stop crying. That’s how you know I’m a real Pheobe Bridgers fan. I’ve got depression and a severe case of the “Phoebe-Jeebies.”

Look, I don’t mean to be a snob. This is just a sensitive topic for me and I take it very seriously. I’ve been through a lot and, now that I’m thinking about the mentality it takes to get a full torso tattoo, you probably have too. Maybe we have more in common than I realized.

So to circle back to your original question, no I cannot name three Phoebe Bridgers songs.

New Pantera Box Set Just a Coors Light 24-Pack

Posted on by John Dixon

GOLDEN, Colo. — Legendary metal band Pantera announced today a collaboration with Coors Brewing Company to bring their fans a new box set in the form of a 24-pack of Coors Light, slightly tipsy sources confirmed.

“This crossover is going to be an absolute slam dunk from a marketing standpoint,” said Barry Shelton, marketing manager at Coors Brewing Company. “There’s no better pairing for fighting your dad in the front yard than a beer brand that sponsors a NASCAR driver and a sludgy, southern-tinged metal band. And the alcohol and caloric content of Coors Light is so low it’s virtually guaranteed to sell multiples, because even 24 light beers won’t be enough to get your average Pantera fan buzzed.”

Pantera fan and chapter president of the unofficial Pantera “Power Groove” fan club Willie Parks is excited for the unconventional box set.

“I mean, yeah, it’s been 20 years since the band put out any new music, and this isn’t even their first box set, but there are still plenty of reasons to get hyped for this release — chief among them being, this gives me an excuse to shotgun a bunch of beers while listening to ‘Vulgar Display of Power’ for the millionth time,” Parks said. “You haven’t lived until you’ve listened to ‘Walk’ at full blast on a half-dead lawn coated in spilled beer and your own sweat while your neighbors call the cops on you again. This box set gives you the perfect opportunity to do just that.”

Pantera bassist Rex Brown is reportedly pleased with the new release, believing it had “something to offer everyone.”

“This release is going to be great for Pantera fans of all stripes,” said Brown while unloading a dozen copies of the box set into his pickup truck. “New fans who are too young to know that Coors is literal pisswater will get a thrill just from the low calorie alcohol and hearing ‘Cowboys From Hell’ for the first time, while longtime fans too old to give a fuck that Coors blows wet ass will love hearing rarities.”

A special edition of the box set will include a pool float shaped like the buff cat man from the cover of “Metal Magic,” perfect for use in a cracked kiddie pool on a hot summer’s day.

“One More Run” Says Gamer Getting Married a Fourth Time

Posted on by Owen Crowlie

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local gamer Marcus Fuller has reportedly begun his fourth marriage, saying “just one more run” at the altar to his bride, Theresa Sparks.

“I love roguelikes so much, I’ve started to adapt the ideology into my real life,” explained Fuller. “I guess it’s only a roguelite because I lose exactly half of my items after each run, but I always feel energized to jump right back into the next partner. The cool thing about getting married is that your skills carry over to each one, but there’s so many strategies and personality types that no one run feels exactly the same. I think this is the one, though. I really think I’m going to make it to the end and not part until death.”

According to those familiar with the situation, Fuller’s bride Theresa does not mind his willingness to keep beginning new relationships.

“I guess you could say I knew what I was getting into when I decided to date a gamer in the first place. Most people wouldn’t do that at all,” explained Sparks at a support group for spouses of gamers. “I’m just in love with the passion of someone who’s always willing to start again from nothing — and trust me, I will leave him with exactly nothing if he fucks this up. Plus, I think it flatters me that he thinks of me as some sort of game, but hey, I guess that’s why I’m here at a support group for spouses of gamers.”

Despite support from friends and family, the priest who married Fuller and Sparks reportedly felt uncomfortable with the situation once he learned more about it.

“There’s nothing wrong with falling in and out love, but I didn’t quite appreciate that he said he chose me to marry him ‘this time around’ because I’m Lutheran, explaining that he wanted to try a ‘new build,’” said Stephen James. “That being said… using his strange terminology, I understand why his first few marriages didn’t work out, if he was using Catholic priests. That build is trash and the perks are mostly shame-based, which are completely useless low-tier nonsense.”

At press time, Fuller had mulliganned the run after getting an unlucky start, accidentally acquiring a dog with really low charm and cuteness stats.

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Value of AMC Popcorn Drops to $4000 per Barrel

Posted on by Kyle Stanley

LEAWOOD, Kan. — The value of hot, buttered movie popcorn dropped below $4,000 per barrel for the first time in decades this week following the extreme market volatility that greatly inflated AMC Entertainment stock prices, mindlessly munching sources confirmed.

“I wouldn’t go to a movie right now unless I was in a plastic bubble, but I just couldn’t resist popcorn at these prices,” said Andrea Bateson, lined up outside of an AMC theater with three empty garbage bags. “Popcorn hasn’t been this cheap since Kevin Costner could carry a feature. And with me still out of work and more stimulus checks nowhere to be found, I’m figuring me and my kids can just eat popcorn and drink butter-flavored toppings for the rest of the pandemic.”

For candy fans however, the massive drop in price for popcorn only furthers the divide between them and their kernel-toothed rivals.

“What, so I still gotta pay fuckin’ $17 a pop because I like M&Ms?” said candy-fan and diabetic Jesse Coburn. “Don’t think that people can’t see what’s going on here. Those greedy hedge fund bastards are screwing with us because they know real Americans like chocolate and candy, and they’re just trying to force their bullshit health food on us. We brought corn to this country, okay? And we gave it to the Indians because we didn’t fucking want it anymore.”

The Biden Administration took immediate action, calling on citizens to be patient and exercise judgment when purchasing large quantities of popped corn.

“This is no time to panic and flood Uber Eats with AMC orders,” said newly-appointed U.S. Secretary of Salted Snacks Stella D’Orrio. “This administration is working as hard as it can to ensure that every movie and television viewer will have access to as much as they need without worrying about shortages. In fact, we have a plan in place for a quick and concise rollout of a pre-bagged, ‘popcorn-like’ snack made from fried pea protein, which will be delivered to concession stands throughout the country.”

Experts predict that even as stock prices for AMC Entertainment normalize, Americans as a whole may be in for more affordable salty snacks, at least until theatres reopen in around five to six years.

Socially Conscious Crust Punk Only Dumpster Dives at Mom-and-Pop Stores

Posted on by Ken Taro

SAN FRANCISCO — Local crust punk David Wong firmly believes that “corporations are an evil plague on society,” which is why he only dumpster dives behind locally owned small businesses, friends of the socially conscious punk confirmed.

“I really embrace the hyperlocal freegan lifestyle. Last week, I was digging around and found a Pikachu toaster outside of Shang’s Appliances — two of the four slots work, and I’ve only been electrocuted by it like, four times,” smirked Wong, the 29-year-old frontman for the hardcore band No Followers. “But it’s not just about me and what I get: it’s about helping the people and businesses in the neighborhood. That’s why I’ve started to patch my jeans with local takeout menus, to help promote the restaurants. Could you imagine how ridiculous I would look if I did that with flyers for Panda Express?”

28-year-old Ana Dominquez, Wong’s wife and drummer, agrees.

“I used to dive exclusively at big box stores. One time I found an employee’s discarded vest outside of a Target, but I only wore it for a couple hours at a friend’s wedding before feeling like a complete sellout,” groaned Dominguez. “I’m glad that David shares the passion for doing this, though. We actually met in a dumpster, it was a very funny moment: I’d just found a knife with dried blood on it, and he jumped in at that exact moment and said, ‘Don’t worry. If I had any money, I wouldn’t be in here.’ We both laughed, and that was the start of something beautiful.”

However, local restaurant owner Yun Chan is less than amused.

“These punks think they’re doing us a service, but they’re just pests. To be honest, I’d rather have the raccoons and rats come back,” snarled the 59-year-old owner of the Shanghai Lotus Chinese restaurant. “This restaurant has been here for 50 years, and I’ve never seen anything like it. These moochers all line up outside the dumpster with lunch trays like it’s a buffet. Last week we got 12 new 5-star reviews on Yelp, but they all touted the ‘outdoor seating’ in the dumpster itself.”

Next week, the couple will reportedly be recording their first album in the dumpster where they met, using Hello Kitty instruments they found outside Liu’s Toys.

Opinion: Someone Explained Stocks To Me Yesterday and Now I’m Going To Explain To You With Less Detail So You Can Explain It Someone Else and Be Wrong

Posted on by Rebecca Acevedo

It was a rough news week for people who wanted to tweet something topical but had no idea what the fuck the stock market actually is. I never thought I would need to know more than just the general idea of what stock is but I was assured even my general understanding was wrong. To stay topical, I asked someone to explain it to me, so I can sort of explain it to you, and you can explain it to someone worse. It’s like the telephone game where at the end the person says something stupid.

To start at the beginning we have an economy; we work at places that make us sad to get money to buy stuff that will make us happy. This is called capitalism. Rich people are in charge of doing capitalism and create companies to keep most of the money. But they got bored and created a complex system of buying, sharing, borrowing, chunks of the companies to each other, other companies, and us. They called it the Stock Market.

The company sells chunks of itself called stock. You buy a stock and now you own a chunk of that company, maybe? You must get a receipt or certificate?!

Stocks are worth money, any number next to your stock is how much it’s worth. If you had stock and it had a “1” next to it then that stock would be worth one money. Find a chart. Down is bad. Up is good.

When a popular person like Elon Musk says “stonks” the stonks say “how high”. When the numbers are high, it’s bull. When the numbers are low, it’s bear. You look at the graph and you find out whether your stock is bear or bull and then you decide to keep, sell, or buy more. I’m a libra. This sounds like a nightmare of choices.

When rich people hang out they do hedge funds. Hedge funds can do whatever they want because they are friends with the stock market. They love short.

Short is when they take stocks that aren’t theirs and sell them on the stock market to a sucker. Then they wait for the bear and boom, buy it back. They pocket the money and return the stocks they stole.

Reddit, a place where upset people go to be upset, got upset and decided to get revenge. Reddit bought GameStop. Gamestop was bad but it’s good now because Reddit. Now the hedge funds are losing and the rich people changed the rules so that no one gets to stocks. You get it?

Here are some loose words I wrote down, Nasdaq, derivative, go long, liquid, Mr. Jones, and portfolio. Plug those in wherever. Just be confident when you explain it and if it’s wrong, whatever. Sorry I couldn’t be more helpful, I think the person who explained it to me had just had it explained to them.

Deluxe Edition of Papa Roach Album to Feature Five Less Songs On It

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Universal Music Group will reissue nü-metal outfit Papa Roach’s seminal 2000 album “Infest” in a deluxe edition that features five less songs than the original version.

“We’ve done a lot of re-releases over the years,” said Lucian Grainge, Chairman and CEO of Universal Music Group. “And this is the first time I can recall that we had to trim some of the fat in order to pay tribute to the legacy of the record… which, let’s face it, is pretty much ‘Last Resort’ and not a whole hell of a lot else. Did you know there was an unlisted reggae song at the end? Don’t worry, though — it’s nowhere near this slimmed down version of this classic album. We wanted to just release this as a single and call it ‘The Ultimate Papa Roach Collectors Album,’ but our lawyers said we just can’t justify that.”

Papa Roach fans and detractors alike expressed happiness with the upcoming release.

“Oh, man, that sounds great,” said Ty Perkins, who graduated high school 21 years ago. “That album was the soundtrack to the absolute best years of my life: me and the boys carving up parking lots in stolen rollerblades, piercing our eyebrows with safety pins, and stealing half-smoked cigarettes out of ashtrays outside the supermarket. Really takes me back. And now this new version will be even easier to listen to in its entirety without being found out by my friends and family!”

Papa Roach vocalist Jacoby Shaddix, however, had mixed feelings about the reissue’s track listing.

“It’s not that they cut a few songs and put ‘Last Resort’ again at the end. It’s more so the adding of songs that aren’t even ours,” he said. “‘Nookie,’ ‘Butterfly,’ ‘Let the Bodies Hit the Floor,’ these tracks were never on ‘Infest,’ and now I’m worried that we’re going to have to split the proceeds… or at the very least, that Seth from Crazy Town is going to get pissed and change his HBO Max password on me. I might be fucked here.”

Universal Music Group also announced a deluxe, 2-disc expanded version of “Infest,” which will come bundled with a copy of System of a Down’s “Toxicity.”