5 Times the Barenaked Ladies Spoke Truth To Power

Posted on by Dicky Stock

With the world’s political and economic divisions at record-breaking highs, speaking truth to power is more important than ever. The term was coined as a way to describe speech, which, when spoken to power, is truth. It is the verbal sword wielded by the righteous to slay the wicked. Here’s five times the Barenaked Ladies did that shit.

“The Old Apartment” vs. Paul Hazen, Chairman and Chief Executive Officer of Wells Fargo

In 1997 BNL released their single, “The Old Apartment.” At first listen the audience may think this is a song about ex-lovers and the former home they shared, but former vocalist Steven Page later in an interview, “The song is about Paul Hazen, chairman and chief executive officer of Wells Fargo. Go read the lyrics again. It’s about that piece of shit Paul Hazen. Fuck that guy.”

“One Week” vs. Bill Clinton, President of the United States

You’re probably thinking, “Wait a minute. I know every lyric to ‘One Week’ especially the part where he admits to jerking off to anime, and I don’t remember ANY lyrics referencing Bill Clinton.” And you’re right! Except for the anime part. Based on the release date he was most likely spanking it to the Sailor Moon graphic novel series, which would make it manga, not anime.

The version of the song you knew growing up doesn’t make mention of Bill Clinton at all. The original version, however, includes this catchy half-rapped, half-sung line, “The children of Yugoslavia, scarred by fire, burnt by bombs, the blood is on your hands Mr. Clinton, the children of Yugoslavia scream for freedom from fire.” For obvious reasons, it was removed from the American release of their 1998 effort Stunt against the band’s protest. The Canadian release remains unchanged.

“Pinch Me” vs. The US Healthcare System.

Almost right out the gate, you’ve got singer Ed Robertson singing “I feel fine enough, I guess. Considering everything’s a mess.” He revealed in a 2010 interview that this was a response to a misdiagnosis he received while on tour in Utah years earlier.

“They said the pain in my stomach was just gas but I knew it was more than that. I knew it was something serious. Turns out I had hundreds of tiny ulcers in my stomach. I almost fucking died and the bill came to $9,000. Fuck the United States Healthcare system. In Canada, this would have never happened.”

“Brian Wilson” vs Brian Wilson, Legendary Beach Boys Vocalist

To some, this song may sound like the band paying homage to Beach Boys bassist, Brian Wilson. It’s anything but. Barenaked Ladies call Brian Wilson out for his sloth-like behavior in this scathing rebuke of the singer. I saw the drummer at a store one time and asked him if I was interpreting the meaning of this song correctly. He said “yep.”

“Alcohol” vs Ted Kennedy, Late Senator From Massachusetts

Why did the Barenaked Ladies place the late Senator Ted Kennedy in their crosshairs? We may never know. What is obvious though is the fact the song is being sung from the viewpoint of the dead Kennedy:

“I Discovered Alcohol
O Alcohol, Would You Please Forgive Me?
For While I Cannot Love Myself
I’ll Use Something Else
I Thought That Alcohol Was Just For Those With
Nothing Else To Do”

This is clearly mocking the “Lion of the State” for his inability to refrain from alcohol. These Canadian rabble-rousers take no prisoners and hold all those in power accountable with their scathing adult-contemporary, pop-rock bangers.

Man’s Funeral Most Fun Group of Friends Have Had in Months

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

ANAHEIM, Calif. — Yesterday’s funeral program for recently deceased Nathan Rivard was the most fun his friends have had since the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic, mourners report.

“Honestly, I didn’t even really want to go to the funeral because I always thought Nathan was a fucking knob, but I realized it would probably the first, and for all I know, last time I could see my friends for ages,” noted friend Jake Kershaw. “I knew I made the right decision when I was standing over the casket and Nathan’s brother pointed out that Nathan’s face looked like he had to take a massive dump. It’s a good thing I cry when I laugh really hard; otherwise I’d have looked like a total dickhead. The whole thing ended up being a blast — it was old friends from college, his coworkers, and even some relatives sharing stories about how much we thought he sucked.”

Rivard’s Immediate family were pleasantly surprised by the turn-out, even with the jovial mood of the attendees.

“We were very worried about that given the pandemic, and also our suspicion that people didn’t like Nathan much, that maybe nobody would show up,” remarked the deceased’s mother, Mary. “He could be difficult sometimes, and we were often concerned that he had no friends… even I struggled to tolerate him sometimes. But, seeing all of these well-wishers share stories about him warms my heart. They seemed to be laughing an awful lot and kept talking about ‘keeping the party going,’ but I guess everyone grieves differently.”

Funeral director Bob Cherry noted that using funerals as an excuse to see old friends is not uncommon.

“These days, I think anyone is just looking for an excuse to get out of the house, so we’ve seen a lot of these funerals with packed houses even if nobody liked the deceased much,” stated Cherry as he shoved Rivard’s naked corpse in the furnace. “This fucking guy, though, seemed like a complete knob — he had a tattoo on his stomach that read ‘Sobriety Test’ with an arrow pointing down to his pens. Grow up, idiot. I will say this, though: everyone who came out tonight drank like the world was ending tomorrow, so maybe I’ll have some more funerals to add to my calendar soon.”

Rivard’s urn was eventually tossed in the trash by a janitor after nobody claimed it.

So You’re a Fugazi Fan? Name Three Songs You Recommend Because I’m Trying to Get Into Them

Posted on by Jake Menez

Nice Fugazi shirt. Where’d you get it, Target? Heh. Probably. Okay then, name three songs. Please? I’m trying to get into them. Oh, and “Waiting Room” doesn’t count. I heard it already and the bassline bugs me.

I was by the bar with my friend and we saw you walk in wearing it and I was hoping to find out if you were a real fan. Earlier I turned to my buddy and said, “That’s a nice ‘Steady Diet of Nothing’ shirt. That’s a deep cut. I guarantee she’s a real fan and not some poser like me. I bet she can even name three songs by them.”

Don’t you hate posers? I would consider myself a poser when it comes to Fugazi and it just makes me sick to see posers like me walking around in this “Repeater” shirt I got on Amazon. I bet you hate that too, don’t you? Or are you not a real fan?

Thank God you came in here. Earlier, I was talking to the bartender and thought he was gonna help me out. That was until he asked what my favorite song was and I had to say all of ’em so he couldn’t call me out. He asked what I thought about the live series and if I knew they were friends with Cobain. I had to hide in the bathroom and read their Wikipedia page but I think I recovered when I told him they were “noted for their style-transcending music, DIY ethical stance, manner of business practice, and contempt for the music industry.”

Anyway, can you please name three songs by Fugazi that I can name drop? I need to show that bartender I’m not some basic ass poser so I can order an IPA.

Crust Punk Bleeds Out After Flossing Teeth for First Time in 12 Years

Posted on by Stephen Bell

TORONTO — Crust punk Seth Ulrich tragically bled to death yesterday after making the unfortunate decision to floss his teeth for the first time in 12 years, bereaved friends and family confirmed.

“When I saw him go upstairs with a thing of dental floss, I assumed he was going to sew a new patch on his jacket, or maybe try stitching up that fox bite on his leg that’s been festering for the last eight months,” said Ulrich’s girlfriend Tammy Baker. “I never imagined he would do something so reckless as floss his teeth… or at least, what’s left of them. His gums would start bleeding if a stiff breeze hits his mouth. When I saw him steal that floss from Rexall, I should’ve known it was a cry for help. This didn’t have to happen.”

Seth’ uncle Alex Ulrich felt guilty about his nephew’s passing.

“I’m afraid I might have been the one to push him towards oral hygiene,” said a crestfallen Alex. “He came to my house last month to grab some scrap copper I’ve had lying around, and when he got near me, I told him his breath ‘smelled like trash water at the bottom of a manure pile.’ I guess it really hurt his feelings. I can’t help but blame myself.”

Punk dentist Dr. Brianna Meyers, DDS weighed in on Ulrich’s unfortunate choice and what other crust punks can do to avoid his mistakes.

“A lot of the punks I treat have conditions far worse than sore gums that require more immediate attention — like the massive amount of patients who come in here with scurvy, which is easily cured,” said Meyers. “You can get Vitamin C by enjoying a nice brass monkey, screwdriver, or mimosa… anything with orange juice, really. Once that’s taken care of, then maybe we can slowly work on a patient’s teeth. But when you haven’t brushed your teeth in over a decade, putting floss in your mouth is just as damaging as putting a handgun in there and pulling the trigger.”

Sadly, in related news, Ulrich’s friend Pete “Petey” Peteropolis allegedly died this morning from anaphylactic shock after giving deodorant another try.

Man With Steam Library of 2,000 Games Survives Apocalypse, Steps on Graphics Card

Posted on by Kevin Grant

LAS VEGAS — Local gamer Aaron Byrne ascended from his homemade backyard bunker sobbing today, lamenting the loss of the one piece of hardware that could have made life after the bombs bearable: his Nvidia GeForce RTX 3080.

“It’s not fair,” he said, stifling a sob. “These should have been the best days of my life, you know? I should have finally had enough time to kick back, relax, and really dig into that backlog. You know, I have games in my library that I’ve never even heard of? This was supposed to be my big break.”

The incident itself happened early last week as the first of the bombs began to fall. On hearing the explosions, Byrne grabbed a pre-prepared bag filled with the essentials: four tins of G FUEL powder concentrate, a box of Totinos pizza rolls, and a large diet Coke. It was then that disaster struck.

“I was running to my computer room when it happened,” whined Byrne. “The card had just arrived yesterday and it was sitting in its box, ready to be installed. And then I just… I just… crushed it. Stomped on it by accident. The pieces went flying everywhere and… it was just awful.”

When asked about his plan for surviving in a world taken over by packs of cannibal raiders, Byrne was disconsolate.

“I dunno, man, what’s even the point?” he said with a shrug, loading another slug into the break-action shotgun. “I suppose I’ve got a gaming laptop, but that that thing can barely run Destiny 2 at max settings. It’s awful. Forty FPS at max anti-alias. It’s not fair. There was finally time, now.”

At press time, Byrne waved a forlorn goodbye and tearfully reduced Minecraft’s render draw distance from very far to far.

Wondering what a video game version of The Twilight Zone would be like?

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Opinion: So I Ate All That Pineapple for Nothing

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

Hey, thanks for coming over. Are you enjoying the music? You can put on whatever you want, you know? Can I fix you another piña colada? They’re pretty good, right? The secret ingredient is extra pineapple, if you catch my drift.

No? Hm. Okay. Well, dinner was great too, wasn’t it? Ever have Hawaiann barbecue before? The grilled pineapple was too die for. I ate extra because… well, you know.

No, I don’t have a vitamin C deficiency, silly! You’re so funny.

You really don’t know? Don’t you remember when we were kids and we learned that pineapple makes your… stuff taste better? No, that is not just an urban legend! Are you fucking kidding me? Then what the hell did I eat all this pineapple for?! Do you actually think I like piña coladas? I hate them! But I was pounding them down tonight, for YOU.

Okay, sure, maybe that was a little presumptuous. Maybe I should have waited until we’d actually met to base an entire date around the theme of you tasting my cum. But all that takes a backseat to the revelation that I’ve been stuffing my face full of satan’s grapefruit for years only to excrete a bland paste of baby pudding.

I’m honestly not even horny anymore.

Look, sorry, I didn’t mean to get upset. It’s just, I really like you and maybe I got too overeager for this to work out. My interest in you isn’t just physical. I really, seriously, like you as a person. And I really, seriously, want to light up your entire flavor palette with my ejaculate.

Of course I respect your intelligence! How could your pretty little mouth even ask me something like that?

Okay, so is this going to be a weird thing between us? I feel like you’re going to make this a thing when it really doesn’t need to be. It was an honest misunderstanding. Let’s just relax and have some dessert. I don’t know if you’ve had this before, but I made a pineapple upside down cak- hey, where you going???

Entire Scene Evicted From Same Studio Apartment

Posted on by Doug Francisco

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Every member of Rochester’s remaining DIY scene is homeless today following their eviction from the 600 square foot studio apartment they shared, several devastated sources confirmed.

“When you really think about it, this is good for us,” said Rosalind Wolf, singer of local punk trio Dirty Bots and one of the six remaining members of the scene. “How are you going to make real art if you know where you’re going to sleep, you know? We all got complacent, and we all lost touch. This is a massive opportunity for everyone in the scene to learn what the real world actually is, free from the comforts of a shared bathroom and running water. It’s the companionship of rats out on the streets that will help us grow as musicians.”

Not all of the evicted share the same optimism as Wolf, however.

“I don’t know how the scene is going to recover,” said Tiffany Van der Waals, who plays drums in every punk band in the city. “We still have all of our stuff, but a half-dozen people comprising 30 or so bands and side projects lived in that apartment. All those Bandcamps are just gonna go dormant. I guess we don’t have to pay rent now, but it’s not like half of us were doing that before the pandemic.”

Experts note that Rochester is not a unique case, as the pandemic forces musicians out of their apartments, squats, communes, basements, driveways, and chill setups all across the country.

“This just hasn’t happened before. Government officials sat on their hands when it came to providing assistance to citizens who needed it most, and independent music might never recover,” said Candace Jackson, a researcher with the American Association of DIY Scenes. “The damage is the same as if every scene in America outed their biggest member as a sex creep all at once. The only new releases we’re going to see anytime soon are solo projects recorded in parents’ basements and ironic busking. It’s horrible.”

The landlord of the studio already announced plans to convert the apartment into a storage space for stacks of newspapers for which he has emotional attachment.

What Are You, the Fashion Police? Because if You Are You Have To Tell Me

Posted on by Ed Saincome

You bring the stuff? Sweet. These are authentic JNCO jeans, right? The ones from the late ’90s?I don’t want none of this watered-down, kinda-baggy-leg bullshit. I want uncut, parachute JNCOs. Goddamn, just look at these chain wallets. Is this sterling silver? Fuck, this is the good stuff. Hey, wait a minute. Before we conduct this transition, I need to know something. Are you the fashion police? Because if you are, you legally have to tell me.

Look, this is America. We are a nation of laws and I know my rights. When I was unemployed (not this time but the last time) I spent every day watching “Law & Order: SVU” reruns so nothing gets by me. I’m not falling for any of your smooth-talking legal bullshit. So tell me now if you’re a simple peddler of oversized back alley denim or if you’re the lowest scum of the Earth: the fashion police.

By the way, if I want to wear my JNCOs to the grocery store, that’s my Buddha-given right. And I shouldn’t have to answer any more questions about what’s “in” my giant pocket with the 8-ball on it or why I won’t leave the tampon aisle. I have the right to remain stylin’.

What’s the point of coming in here pretending to be some sort of law enforcement agent when we all know the truth? You’re not going to get me with your sophisticated interrogation techniques like, “What’s with the fishnet shirt in January?” or “Sir, can you please turn the glow sticks off, they’re distracting the animals.”

We need to stop judging each other’s fashion choices and get back to policing real crimes. It’s time to remove the metaphorical shackles society has placed around our leather cuff wearing wrists and dress how we want! We also need to remove the very real shackles that have been placed on my wrists because, apparently, shoplifting is one of those real crimes.

Green Day Working On New Song About How Estate Tax Is Bullshit

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

OAKLAND, Calif. — Seminal punk band Green Day are reportedly heading back into the studio this week to record a new, “blistering” single venting their frustration at federal estate tax.

“Green Day has always felt like the government is against the common man, and that’s never more clear than with the estate tax. It’s like being taxed twice — that’s worth more than the Iraq war in my opinion,” songwriter Billie Joe Armstrong said while trying to find a rhyme for “adjusted taxable gifts.” “I realized my kids are going to get taxed on anything they inherit over $5.5 million dollars. I was so angry, the lyrics just started pouring out. It’s such bullshit, and I know our fans will see it that way too.”

Studio intern and Green Day fanatic Keith Bell was lucky enough to hear an early mix of the track.

“I was so excited for their new music, but it was three minutes about annuities, exemptions, and something called ‘reversionary interest,’” said Bell, still visibly dejected after hearing the track tentatively titled “Taxes Is the Reason.” “There’s even a part where Billie Joe just reads an excerpt from an editorial piece arguing how the tax disincentivizes entrepreneurship. And while it was disappointing, the song is still better than anything off of ‘Father of all Motherfuckers.’ I’ll take a song about them complaining about their wealth as long as it sounds more like a song off ‘Dookie.’”

Roderick Love, accountant and one-time guitarist for 70s Bay Area punk rock band Dismal Sport, stood up for the band’s new song.

“What’s more punk rock than finding a loophole and fucking the government out of millions of dollars?” said Love. “Sure, when you’re young it’s about anarchy and anticonsumerism, but when you get old, it’s about hiding your real estate portfolio in a shell corporation based in the Cayman Islands. It’s all the same, making sure the government doesn’t take what’s yours… whether it be your inalienable rights as a human, or gouging your portfolio with capital gains taxes. Damn the man, right?”

Rumors allege the B-side to the EP is about boat storage fees and marina dues.

Stupid Mobile Game Costs Hedge Fund Manager $1 Billion

Posted on by Andy Holt

NEW YORK — Hedge fund manager Tweed Newtshire lost over $1 billion this week, all because of a dumb mobile game for casuals.

“Gaming the market used to mean something, you know? It was a subculture. You had to pay your dues. Hell, my dad even made me go to Princeton — you think I wanted to do that?” said Newtshire, whose fund has raked in billions during a global pandemic. “Now these bullshit mobile games are ruining it for everybody.”

Even though Newtshire bought the same stocks as the mobile gamers at the same prices, he claimed the difference was night and day.

“Smartphones are trash. Tiny screen, no GPU, no dedicated cooling. You’re basically using a cheap toy to manipulate stocks, impacting employees all over the world, just to feed your own greed. Real gamers use PCs to do that,” said Newtshire, pointing at the Bloomberg terminal in his office. “It’s way better.”

When asked to comment, most of the mobile gamers were ambivalent.

“There’s not much to it, dude. I was sitting in my apartment, applying to jobs because I got laid off in April, and I saw GameStop trending on Twitter,” said local gamer Tess Laughlin. “Next thing I know, I’m making like $200 on that Robinhood app. Not enough to pay down my student loans, but still cool, I guess.”

After failing to beat the mobile gamers on his own, Newtshire began an effort to report them all for griefing, hoping it would get them kicked from the servers.

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