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Opinion: So I Ate All That Pineapple for Nothing

Hey, thanks for coming over. Are you enjoying the music? You can put on whatever you want, you know? Can I fix you another piña colada? They’re pretty good, right? The secret ingredient is extra pineapple, if you catch my drift.

No? Hm. Okay. Well, dinner was great too, wasn’t it? Ever have Hawaiann barbecue before? The grilled pineapple was too die for. I ate extra because… well, you know.

No, I don’t have a vitamin C deficiency, silly! You’re so funny.

You really don’t know? Don’t you remember when we were kids and we learned that pineapple makes your… stuff taste better? No, that is not just an urban legend! Are you fucking kidding me? Then what the hell did I eat all this pineapple for?! Do you actually think I like piña coladas? I hate them! But I was pounding them down tonight, for YOU.

Okay, sure, maybe that was a little presumptuous. Maybe I should have waited until we’d actually met to base an entire date around the theme of you tasting my cum. But all that takes a backseat to the revelation that I’ve been stuffing my face full of satan’s grapefruit for years only to excrete a bland paste of baby pudding.

I’m honestly not even horny anymore.

Look, sorry, I didn’t mean to get upset. It’s just, I really like you and maybe I got too overeager for this to work out. My interest in you isn’t just physical. I really, seriously, like you as a person. And I really, seriously, want to light up your entire flavor palette with my ejaculate.

Of course I respect your intelligence! How could your pretty little mouth even ask me something like that?

Okay, so is this going to be a weird thing between us? I feel like you’re going to make this a thing when it really doesn’t need to be. It was an honest misunderstanding. Let’s just relax and have some dessert. I don’t know if you’ve had this before, but I made a pineapple upside down cak- hey, where you going???