Redditor Accidentally Invests Life Savings in GameSpot

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

SAN FRANCISCO — Local redditor Nelson Briggs has reportedly invested his entire life savings into video game news website GameSpot, mistaking it for the retailer GameStop.

“I just took all the money out of my 401k and dumped it all into GAMESPOT!!! I’m ready to make a shitton of fucking money. Let’s fuckin go, boys! HODL,” Nelson posted on r/WallStreetBets, seemingly unaware that GameSpot and GameStop are two completely different companies. “I don’t follow this shit so closely, so I greatly appreciate all the help you guys have given us on WSB lately. This isn’t financial advice, of course, but… dump everything in GameSpot and let’s ride to riches like champions!!”

According to those familiar with the situation, r/WallStreetBet users were too uncomfortable to say anything to Briggs about his stock purchase.

“I’m the first to admit that we can get pretty hostile in this subreddit. We say some pretty, you know, offensively mocking things to people we think are stupid. It’s like a sick game to us and we love it. But this one… this one was just too sad for anyone to say anything mean,” said a WSB moderator who wished to remain anonymous. “We all saw the thread and were kinda just like, ‘fuck… good luck, buddy, I hope it works out.’ Just absolutely brutal shit. Completely sucked the fun out of calling people morons.”

“Hell, it’s not even smart to be buying GameStop at this point,” they added, “so it’s like double dumb. This broke me.”

At press time, Briggs was reportedly begging his parents to take money from their savings and invest it all in the American Movie Classics channel, thinking it was AMC Theatres.

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New Sober Hobby Way More Expensive Than Drinking Problem

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

BOSTON — Former drinker Mackenzie Stodd has fully shifted her addictive tendencies by committing all her free time and energy into the much more expensive pastime of rug tufting, her concerned friends confirmed.

“Without the mental and physical drain of alcohol bogging me down day after day, I’ve been able to explore my passion for the fiber arts,” said the 27-year-old marketing associate, who spent half of her week’s paycheck at JoAnn Fabrics and Crafts on Saturday. “Once I get better at using my brand-new tufting machine, I might even start selling rugs on Etsy. The joy of making beautiful things feels so much better than drinking ever did. But it does come with some of the same downsides — I’m still neglecting important relationships, I’m up all night until I pass out from exhaustion, and I really need to stop doing it while I drive.”

Stodd’s roommate Hector Munoz is proud of her commitment to sobriety, but admitted things may be getting out of hand.

“Every table in our apartment used to be littered with empty bottles of two-buck Chuck,” said Munoz. “Now every inch of our floor — even the bathroom — is covered with random shag rugs, most of which are half finished and already fraying. Also, isn’t yarn like, $5 per ball? Mackenzie has hundreds of those balls piled to the ceiling in her room. I had to cover her rent last month for the first time since her infamous Saint Patrick’s Day bender in 2019.”

Members of Stodd’s Alcoholics Anonymous group also have questions about her new obsession, and whether or not it is right for her.

“It’s pretty common to pick up new hobbies once you quit drinking — I for one started hiking and doing yoga,” said Stodd’s sponsor Riley Polanski. “But Mackenzie chose perhaps the least financially sustainable hobby there is, besides maybe horseback riding. It’d be one thing if she was good enough to sell her work, but from the looks of the four wall hangings she made me for Christmas, I’m pretty worried.”

At press time, Stodd was buying instant ramen for dinner after spending her weekly food budget on a rug tufting MasterClass.

Beautiful: This Guy Named Dan Just Met Another Guy Named Dan

Posted on by Dan Rice

Pete and Pete. The Coreys. Ed Edd n Eddy. Popular culture is rich with stories of people with the same or very similar name finding each other and making it work. For most of us, this is a fairytale, a wish to make upon a star. But for Dan Peters, the fantasy just became a reality.

Dan was having a perfectly ordinary morning. He woke up at 11:00 a.m, had some coffee and Chinese food leftovers for breakfast, and vaped some weed. By 3:00 p.m he was standing outside of his apartment waiting for an Uber to band practice, totally unaware that his whole world was about to change.

As a car pulled up Peters’s phone buzzed and he checked it to make sure this was his ride. To his astonishment, the notification read “Dan has arrived.” Peters would later recall confusion at that moment. “Dan has arrived?” he thought. “That can’t be right. I’m Dan. I haven’t left yet!” It was at that moment the driver rolled down his window and, on bated breathe, asked “Dan?” There were no words after that, the two men just instantly knew and cried for the better part of an hour.

Some moments are so perfect you couldn’t make them up if you tried.

As if this story wasn’t already unbelievable it turns out the Dans have more in common than just a name. They are both white men. They both enjoy craft beer and they BOTH consider themselves to be big fans of movies. They even both once considered trying to do stand up comedy but never followed through. It is as if they share the same soul.

Video’s of the Dans have been going viral all week. In one heartwarming clip, a napping Dan appears to be having a nightmare, and the other Dan curls up right next to him to comfort him. So adorbs! In another, both Dan’s seem to want the same small bit of rope, but as soon as one finally wrestles it away and does a victory lap around the room he’s right back in the other Dan’s face with the rope and they’re back at it. They just want to play!

Fun fact: A group of Dans is called a “dangle” of Dans.

Lame Teacher Claims Neutral Milk Hotel Lyrics Not Credible Source for Anne Frank Essay

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

SALINE, Mich. — Supposed “lame-ass” history teacher Trevor Rubio failed student Rachel Traynor yesterday for insisting that Neutral Milk Hotel lyrics were a credible source for an essay on Holocaust victim Anne Frank, insufferable young hipster sources confirmed.

“Seriously? What the fuck is wrong with this guy? I guess it would’ve been better if I cited sources from some bullshit band like Foghat or whatever the fuck he listens to,” said Traynor. “Everyone knows Anne Frank was a little girl that lived in Holland in 1945, and then years later her ghost came to live within Jeff Mangum. These are the facts. Maybe our so-called ‘history teacher’ should pick up a book and try learning a thing or two about the subject he’s fucking teaching. Pitchfork wouldn’t have given that album a 10 if it wasn’t factually accurate.”

For his part, Rubio was utterly confused by Traynor’s essay, as well as other dubious sources used by students.

“I don’t know who, or what, a Neutral Milk Hotel is. Is it… is it a sex thing? I bet it’s a sex thing,” said Rubio. “I wanted to believe Rachel mistakenly turned in a piece of creative writing, but she really believed every word of it was part of the historical record. If this were an isolated incident, I wouldn’t be concerned, but you’d be shocked how often I’ve told students that liking something called Titus Andronicus is not akin to doing the required reading on the American Civil War.”

Principal Dawn Sexton was “not surprised.”

“Today, disinformation is everywhere. On the one hand, we should be helping these impressionable young people develop critical thinking skills… but on the other hand, it’s all a bunch of horse shit anyway,” explained Sexton before chugging a belt of whiskey from her personal flask. “Let’s face it: with global warming, the threat of right wing fascism, and the inevitable rise of artificial intelligence, these kids won’t have a future. So if it makes them happy to believe Kanye when he says the government administered AIDS, or to craft a science fair diorama based on the bullshit astronomy of ‘Black Hole Sun,’ I say let the good times roll.”

In related news, Rubio’s colleague Neil Strickland is taking a mental health sabbatical after math rock-loving students refused to learn algebra, claiming they “already listen to The Dismemberment Plan.”

Local Crackpot Believes His Tweets are Good Enough to Be Suppressed by the Algorithm

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

DICKSON, Tenn. — Twitter user Lenny Vickerman, a 43-year-old who frequently posts unintelligible rants on social media, suspects that the sole reason his tweets aren’t getting traction must be because the site is suppressing him via their algorithm.

“Big tech is trying to silence us once again,” Vickerman explained from the driver’s seat of his truck, in a video recently posted to his account that received no engagement. “I’m exposing these limousine liberals for the reptilians they really are every day on Twitter and not even one retweet! Clearly my tweets are being buried, which is why they get no likes. It’s the only explanation!”

A quick scan of Vickerman’s feed shows that he tweets up to forty times a day to an audience of 11 followers. One example Vickerman points to as evidence of Twitter tampering is a tweet that reads “BUSTED! Let’s see Pelosi wriggle out of this one,” accompanied by a link to a 404 page.

“I actually don’t understand why his tweets don’t get more likes,” said Twitter user Derek Lee, the only person who regularly engages with Vickerman’s posts. “The guy is hilarious. He’s like the new dril. Wait… he’s not shitposting? Oh.”

Vickerman suspects that Facebook’s algorithm has also hidden his content in its feed. One post, a 2000 word rant with no paragraph breaks about how Nancy Pelosi and Apple’s Tim Cook orchestrated the Capitol attacks to frame Donald Trump, only has one comment from Vickerman’s second cousin, which simply says “good to see you lenny.”

“I have no idea who that is,” said Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg when asked if he was censoring Vickerman. “But we’re happy to have him a loyal Facebook user and we’ll do everything in our power to make sure his posts get top priority from now on.”

Frustrated with his lack of engagement on social media, Vickerman eventually migrated over to YouTube, where he instantly became one of the platform’s top personalities.

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The Top 5 Comments on Hard Drive Articles This Week

Posted on by Owen Crowlie

From reading all of your comments, as frequently as I do, I can tell that many of you are artists and creatives yourselves. That means all of you probably relate to trying to find the most elegant way to tell your family about how you make money either writing about Mario’s dick, drawing Mario’s dick, or just talking about Mario’s dick for a podcast. If only there was a way to involve them in your work and help them understand…

“And for just five dollars a month on Patreon, you can enter my ‘Close Family’ tier for a call every week, with regular updates on all of my latest projects. If you opt for the ten dollar tier, I’ll even tell you that I’m going back to school!”

Now we finally know what was secretly happening when Captain America was trying to lift Thor’s Hammer:

(ARTIST’S RENDITION. NOT ACTUAL PROMOTIONAL ARTWORK BY DISNEY. ALTHOUGH, IF THEY LIKE IT, DISNEY MAY FEEL FREE TO REACH OUT.)

And it turns out the black friend he’s been talking about all of these years was one of his neighbors in The Sims.

Personally, my favorite level is when Cooking Cousin takes you upstairs and shows you how to roll a joint before ‘taking a walk,’ which allows you to skip the section where Cooking Aunt asks why you’ve never had a boyfriend. I easily spent hours on the gas station section failing over and over again to put ketchup on a microwaved hot dog.

Honestly, between economic and ecological decline, stagnant politics, and the next 100 years of endless Star Wars movies, at least fully immersive ray traced elf breasts give humanity something to look forward to.

Thank you so much for your comments, everybody. Remember, if you want a chance to be in next week’s column, be sure to leave a funny comment on any of our posts on social media!

How to Avoid Sounding Like a Name-Dropper While Ensuring Everyone Knows You Bought Jon Hamm a Beer Once

Posted on by John Danek

So you just serendipitously ran into Jon Hamm at a bar and wouldn’t leave him alone until you made him let you buy a beer. The real question is: how can you make sure your acquaintances know without looking like a dick?

It’s a tough balance but we here at The Hard Times can help you make it public knowledge that you bought a celebrity an IPA with these tips. Remember, until you can convince some unlucky soul to share life’s truly fulfilling moments with you, this is all you have.

1. Guide Them Towards the Celebrity

When you run into an old friend, your goal is to have them know that you’re basically friends with Jon Hamm without you ever explicitly saying it. Humility matters in certain parts of America for some reason. Try to make it seem like Jon Hamm is coming up organically. Say something like “Hey, Let’s watch a movie! You wanna watch the remake of The Day The Earth Stood Still or Tag (2018)? I’m totally cool with either one.” Stick to the moderately popular stuff for now. Again, we’re planting subtle, humble seeds at this stage.

2. Escalate Subliminally

If this dumbshit friend hasn’t figured it out yet, time to up the ante. You cannot just come out and say it; at least, while they’re conscious. Sneak into their house and whisper “Television’s Jon Hamm, star of Mad Men. Jon Hamm. Frequent 30 Rock guest Jon Hamm” in their ear while they sleep. Inception is a victimless crime. Odds are, they’ll wake up and text you first thing in the morning. But if not, the only remaining option is to…

3. Recreate the Meeting

Ok. Dumb fucko over here isn’t going to arrive to the necessary conclusion. Now you must foster your friendship with this drooling moron to the point where they spend a weekend in the city with you. Take them to the spots where you previously scouted Jon Hamm frequenting and force another run-in just like you did the first. (Remember- it’s not stalking if you never touch them). When it finally happens, play it cool while this Bumfuck, Iowa moron shits their ass in astonishment. And to seal the deal, whisper to them “Hey, could you do me a favor and not tell anyone about this? I don’t want to look like some famewhore.”

Millennial Couple Tries Not to Argue in Front of Houseplant

Posted on by Billy Patterson

PHILADELPHIA — Local millennial Lauren Toole and her live-in boyfriend Nick McIntyre are making an effort to not argue in front of their new houseplant in order to allow the plant to grow in a serene environment, conscientious sources confirmed.

“We fight, like all couples,” said Toole. “But if we’re going to raise this philodendron, we have to do better. Last night we were yelling at each other and I looked down at the plant — so small and frail — and it broke my heart. I don’t want it to see us like that. It might not understand exactly what we’re saying, but I know it can feel the negative energy. I just don’t want to raise this houseplant the way my parents raised me and my five siblings.”

However, McIntyre is tired of policing his behavior in front of the plant.

“I feel like I’ve got no freedom anymore,” said McIntyre, whispering out of earshot of the plant. “I have to watch what I do and what I say, and heaven forbid if I open the curtains during the afternoon and saturate the plant with direct sunlight. Honestly, I don’t think I’m ready for this. All of our friends were getting houseplants, and it seemed like the right thing to do, but it’s way more responsibility than I thought. Some nights I stay late at work because I just can’t deal with it. And I know it’s not the plant’s fault, but I feel like I’d be so much happier if it had never been sown.”

Family therapist Francine Valdez agrees that creating an emotionally stable environment for houseplants is a necessity.

“If millennial couples are going to rely on houseplants to provide meaning and fulfillment in their lives, then it’s only fair that they be as loving and nurturing as possible,” said Valdez. “If a plant grows up in a home filled with yelling, bickering, and people pouring unfinished coffee on its soil, then it will never achieve a full bloom. Whereas if a plant grows up in a positive, two-parent household, it will be strong and healthy.”

Despite their best efforts, Toole and McIntyre soon engaged in a heated argument that ended with Toole packing a bag and taking the plant to spend the night at her mother’s house.

Can You Guess Which of These Pop Punk Front Men Is Grooming You Right Now?

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Quiz time! Pop-punk makes you feel alive, and there’s nothing like screaming along to your favorite lyrics about how the lead singer got dumped! If you’re not a fucker poser, you’ll be able to guess which of these front men is grooming you right now.

Benjee Taylor:

Taylor is the singer/bassist for Idaho-area trio The Warp Speeds, he’s 24, and is really vague about whether he has a girlfriend or not.

Is He Grooming You Right Now:

Nope, not him! Although he was being kind of weird and offered you a Mike’s Hard Lemonade in the green room when you saw his band at that all-ages venue in Boise, he hasn’t done anything that could be concretely called “grooming” to you yet.

Brad Iuda:

Brad is the singer for touring band Fans of Mine, and sometimes plays guitar if the chords aren’t too complex. Sometimes when performing, he makes eye contact with girls in the front row, and some of them say it is kinda cool.

Is He Grooming You Right Now:

Wow, not him either! Though he sent you a Friend Request on Facebook and has liked all your pics (except for the ones with your male friends in them), as of press time, he hasn’t actually made contact or told you how much more mature you are for your age than other girls.

Jason Borstall:

Jason is the singer for November Echo, and he’s more than willing to let everyone know that he played all the instruments on their first record (except the drums). He’s 23 and his t-shirts are all of bands you’ve heard of, but don’t tell him that.

Is He Grooming You Right Now:

Finally! Jason is definitely grooming you. He’s been stalking your Tiktok for weeks, and using a variety of sock puppet accounts to alternately comment that you’re “so hot bb :’” and tell you that you’re overweight and nobody will ever love you. He’s already planning to put you on the guestlist for the next time November Echo plays anywhere near your home in Michigan, and will definitely fly into a rage if you bring your boyfriend to the show. Thanks for playing!

Just, whatever you do, don’t accept that Skype call.

The Devil Still Unable to Get Out of Contract With Victory Records

Posted on by John Danek

HELL — The Devil, legal name Satan, continued the long, bitter litigation with Victory Records founder Tony Brummel today to free his emo band The Jotted Down from their restrictive agreement, eternally damned legal counsel confirmed.

“Jesus Christ — being a constant opposing force to the good will of God is small beans compared to fighting Brummel’s team of attorneys,” said the Devil, whose fiddle work in The Jotted Down draws frequent comparisons to Yellowcard. “I thought we had literally all the best lawyers down here! But Cochran, Nixon, and Cristina Gutierrez have their hands full. Those Victory shitheads countersue at every possible juncture. My band was required to release two albums per year for six years, and every year we don’t adds another three years onto our contract length. Do you know how hard it is to write songs on fiddle while you’re also expected to come up with new ways to torture souls?”

Brummel has been accused of taking advantage of young acts with “stars in their eyes” before.

“It was all there on the contract he signed. I can’t help it if Satan didn’t take time to properly read the fine print. Rookie mistake,” said Brummel while throwing darts at a photo of Tomas Kalnoky. “I’ll never forget when I first signed Thursday — we were in a basement in New Brunswick, N.J., and they just got offstage. I offered Geoff Rickley an apple and asked if he wanted the world. He took a bite, spit it in my face, and shrugged a ‘Sure.’ Good enough for me. I got their best years, and they were cursed to make albums nobody would ever listen to as soon as they turned their back on me.”

Indeed, former Victory Records acts warn aspiring artists to weigh their options before signing to the insidious label.

“A lot of people might remember that when we released our second album, Tony sent a letter to the Victory street team to hide Ne-Yo records so people would buy ours instead,” said Hawthorne Heights frontman JT Woodruff. “It only got worse from there. When I proposed to my wife, Tony said there was a ‘prima nocta’ clause in all his band’s contracts, and that he would ‘get first crack at her’ on the wedding night. That’s when I started to realize we might have made a mistake signing with Victory.”

The Devil managed to secure an unrelated legal win, however, as he successfully sued for unpaid royalties owed for ghostwriting all of “Wal-Mart yodeling kid” Mason Ramsey’s musical catalog.