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Mysterious, Stoic Bassist Revealed to be Cardboard Cut Out of The Crow

DALLAS — Local band Black Hole Generator finally admitted yesterday that their legendarily enigmatic bassist Eric Coughlin was actually just a cardboard cutout of cult hero and fictional character, The Crow.

“At first we did it to save some money… you know, one less person to split a cut with. But at this point we’re tired of loading in a bass and amps for someone who doesn’t exist,” said frontwoman Gabriela Alvarez. “And it’s getting harder to hide that one of our members was stolen from a Blockbuster in 1995. Years of touring haven’t exactly been kind to a glorified paper cutout, and a combination of duct tape and clever lighting can only do so much.”

Fans were shocked to learn that a founding member of the local legends was made of heavy duty paper.

“Black Hole Generator have been part of this town’s scene for years; it’s absolutely insane that none of us noticed one member of this three-member band was a promotional image from ‘The Crow,’” said local bartender and self-proclaimed superfan Bart James. “But now that it’s out in the open, I did always think Eric was sorta stiff and looked pretty familiar. Plus, it was weird how he had this super goth aesthetic, when the rest of the band was in Chucks and old Vans hats.”

Some, like Black Hole Generator’s merch guy Paul Chang, see the revelation as an opportunity.

“I’ve actually been a bassist for years, but I never mentioned it to the band since they were married to this weird cardboard cutout idea… and to be honest, the cutout was kind of weirdly intimidating, so I just laid back,” Chang said, pretending to tune a bass. “Now, after seven long years paying my dues behind the table, I’m finally gonna get my shot up on that stage to show my stuff. I know I have some big shoes to fill, but I think the fact that I’m a three dimensional human being will really show everyone that I mean business.”

Sadly for Chang, however, Black Hole Generator has already hired a cardboard cutout of Matthew Lillard as Stevo Levy from the 1998 film “SLC Punk!” as their new bassist.