Ruby Sells Apartment in Soho for $3.4 Million

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

NEW YORK — Former punk Ruby Davis, made famous in the Rancid song “Ruby Soho,” reportedly closed on a deal to sell her apartment in Lower Manhattan for an astonishing $3.4 million dollars, sources confirmed.

“Back in the ‘90s, I convinced my parents to buy this place for me for like $4,000. I told everyone I was squatting there because I didn’t want them to know my parents were paying for everything,” said Davis. “Come to find out years later that everyone in the punk scene had rich parents, we all just went to different private schools. Eventually I started cleaning the apartment up, I got rid of the wallpaper, painted over the graffiti, and used the place to store my collection of Victorian-Era furniture for the last 20 years. But I realized it’s time to move on, and I’m happy to see a good monetary return from all the time I put into the place.”

Neighbors admitted they were upset with Davis for letting her apartment go for such a small amount.

“I’ve owned an apartment in that building since the 1970s. The city paid me $400 a month to live there for years because the neighborhood was so bad. Thankfully, things turned around and I’ve been able to rent it out for $12k a month to a Russian oligarch while his daughter goes to NYU,” said landlord Russ Kehoe. “I wouldn’t let this thing go for less than $6 million. Ruby selling her apartment for so cheap is a slap in the face to all the hard-working property owners of this city. Well, I don’t actually live in ‘the city’ anymore. I’ve been living in Florida since 2006.”

The apartment was bought by a real estate investment firm that plans to convert the 800-square-foot apartment into five luxury micro units.

“We plan on blocking off the natural light from the bay window and using LED panels to mimic daylight in each unit. These micro apartments will be outfitted with all the amenities you need. Like a single burner hot plate, a micro-fridge that can hold up to two cans of sparkling water, and enough space for you to stand up and turn around comfortably without getting stuck between the walls,” said developer Leslie Holcomb. “Also, the floor doubles as a mattress, so if you are less than six feet tall, then you can lay down and almost extend your legs fully. Plus, the shared bathroom located at a Starbucks three blocks away is perfect for when you want a coffee right after brushing your teeth.”

At press time, the apartment featured in the Rancid video for “Time Bomb” will reportedly be the new home of a John Varvatos luxury retail store.

Six Songs We’re Listening To This Week Because We’ve Been Banned From Listening to the New Taylor Swift Album

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

It’s Sunday afternoon, which can only mean one thing: You’ve wasted another week of your life by not immersing yourself in the world of new music. We’re here to put an end to your incessant need to live a boring life with a less-than-unremarkable soundtrack.

Here are six new songs that should help lift you out of the truly concerning rut you’ve wedged yourself in.

Menomena “The Insulation”

Your favorite band’s favorite band, Menomena, shocked their corner of the internet on Tuesday by dropping three new songs and breaking a nearly twelve-year silence. The EP coincides with the announcement of a one-off reunion show celebrating the 20th anniversary of their debut album. Your arty college friend has probably been telling you about this band for years. It’s time you finally listen.

One Step Closer “Orange Leaf”

Next month, Pennsylvania’s rising melodic hardcore outfit ‘One Step Closer’ are releasing their highly anticipated sophomore LP, ‘All You Embrace.’ Judging by the singles we’ve heard so far, the band is clearly embracing the highest potential of their explosive sound. The latest, ‘Orange Leaf’ shows the group can showcase vulnerability and aggression in a single breath, placing them firmly in the hallowed halls of their genre.

Gatecreeper “Masterpiece of Chaos”

Much to the delight of metalheads and conversely to the disdain of arachnophobes across the country, Gatecreeper is releasing their third full-length, ‘Dark Superstition’ next month. The third single and absolute churchburner ‘Masterpiece of Chaos’ is absolutely true to its title, though ‘Chaos’ may be an understatement here. Make sure you’re in a comfortable seated area the first time you listen, as the dive-bombing and disgustingly chuggy guitars will leave you in a tailspin.

David Byrne “Hard Times”

We’ve been trying to get David Byrne to pen a theme song for our site for years. Thousands of phone calls and several cease and desist letters later, our wish has finally been granted in the form of his cover of Paramore’s ‘Hard Times.’ Considering the clear Talking Heads influence of the original, this cover is a no-brainer. While we were hoping he would pen something a bit more personalized toward our award-winning journalism, we’re happy to finally be acknowledged.

Still House Plants “Probably”

Up-and-coming British art-rockers, Still House Plants, just released their excellent third album ‘If I don’t make it, I love u.’ It’s a dazzling triumph and ode to simplicity that cements their reputation as a band who can craft a gigantic sound with minimal instrumentation and production. Their ‘less is more’ approach will make you wonder if you really need three guitarists in your band. Before you get ahead of yourself though, make sure you don’t kick out the one that actually knows how to play.

E.D.A “Velkommen Til Klubben ft. Conan O’ Brien”

The Summer of Conan is upon us. After an unexpected and incredibly viral appearance on ‘Hot Ones,’ O’Brien has his eyes set on landing a hit on the Norwegian pop charts, a desire he expressed nearly a year ago on his podcast. Thanks to a little help from Norway’s underground rap duo, E.D.A, that dream is closer to becoming a reality. Though ultimately a hit for Conan’s new travel show ‘Conan Must Go,’ it’s hard to deny the man has some serious chops and massive hook writing skills. Let’s help take it to the top, dear readers.

Because we know you can never go back to your musicless old life, we’ve compiled these and a fuckton more songs into a handy playlist for you. Click here to listen and dazzle your friends with your newfound relevancy.

​​Help! The Coolest Thing I’ve Ever Done Is Slipping Further and Further Into The Past!

Posted on by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

So I’m throwin’ back a few garage beers at my niece’s 3rd b-day bash, and this guy mentions a huge band I opened for. I couldn’t believe it. Usually I have to strategically shoehorn that into every conversation. So I bust in with the classic, “You know I opened for them back ‘09,” then proudly scan for approval. But my buddies just rolled their eyes like, “Not this story again,” and my teenage nephew asked, “Who?” Has my one massive accomplishment been reduced to a meaningless footnote in time? Help!

Man, old people are right… Time sucks! I thought the wow factor of this insanely cool tidbit would last a lifetime. So now what? I have to get back out there and do another cool thing?! Do you know how hard that one cool thing was to accomplish? I was in a slew of shitty bands for like 10 years before that one magical night when Gore Cock came to town. And sure, we were the first of 8 bands on that night, and our set was over before they even got to the venue, but it still counts! I have the show flyer to prove it!

We totally would’ve kept doing cool things, but that one big night sadly became our undoing. Bands rarely survive once big money is involved. You’d think splitting $100 five ways is easy enough, until egos and gas money rear their ugly heads. Yep, that was the end of my music career. I asked for more hours at the bowling alley, and I was more than okay with that, since I’d always have Gore Cock.

You know what? Sorry the music industry doesn’t have linear growth like their dumb office jobs. It’s a rollercoaster, and you can never really tell if a cool moment was your peak or just another step up the success ladder. I just have to get back in the game and outdo myself! I’ll get the band back together, relearn the bass, rehearse the old gold and start touring!

Ugh, that all sounds so exhausting. Why do I even care to impress this idiot? Sure, I got trashed and popped the bounce castle, but honestly, who brings up Gore Cock at a 3-year-old’s birthday party? And if I’ve learned anything here, it’s that if my friends aren’t impressed by my stories, then I don’t need new stories… I need new friends!

“About the Author” Page Offers Strange Peek Into Sad Little Life

Posted on by Preston Long

CONCORD, N.H. — Readers across the country were horrified to find that the “about the author” page on a new bestseller gave insight into some of the most disturbing hobbies and quirks imaginable, sources vowing to only watch TV from now on confirmed.

“Well, you see, I like to keep busy with hobbies outside of writing, to keep my mind sharp. I have my soap whittling, my insect taxidermy, and of course, my ever-growing collection of used body casts I get from hospitals around the world,” said best-selling author and apparent total loser Franford Gerber, not noticing we were slowly backing away from him. “I know, I know, you’re saying ‘oh, he spends his free time watching live-feeds of exotic bird baths – stereotypical middle aged male!’, but, hey, it informs the work, which people seem to enjoy! Although, I haven’t heard firsthand, since my publishers think it’s a good idea for me ‘not to leave my house deep in the woods’, so I’ll have to take their word for it.”

Former fans of the author were unsettled with the information gleaned from Gerber’s new tome’s bitter bummer of a dust jacket.

“This dude’s a straight-up freak!” cried former fan Omri Warrendish, while looking for a trash can or fireplace to rid himself of the book. “How can a guy who readily offers up that he ‘lives in a cabin with the ghost of his dead mailman’ write a novel so damn compelling? I don’t know if I can condone this guy’s lifestyle, I liked it better when he was just a mystery, and I could pretend he looked like my grandfather. But, my grandfather wouldn’t stand idly by while a professional writer confessed to ‘finding cumulus clouds sexually attractive’ on the back of his breakthrough novel! If you’re gonna be a complete weirdo, at least have the decency to suck!”

Leading literary scholars agree that most professional authors have their reclusive nature thrust upon them by their agents.

“Well, confidentially, it’s common for an author’s quote-unquote ‘reclusiveness’ to be a preventative move on the publicist. A lot of these folks are straight up pathetic, and spend their free time doing the most pitiful shit that, if word got out, would really flatline book sales,” said New York Times book critic Alexandra Jacobs, with a shudder. “I mean, if you think the stuff that makes it into the blurb is upsetting, just think about the stuff the publisher decides not to include! I mean, let’s just say most Pulitzer Prizes should come with an ankle monitor with a radius that keeps these chuckleheads in their own yards. Honestly, it’s the publicists that should get the awards, for keeping the world safe from these weird authors’ whole vibes! There, I said it!”

At press time, Gerber was encouraged by his publicist to take an eternal vow of silence to “encourage mystique, yeah, that’s it! Mystique!”

How Come You’re Allowed to Bring Your Unruly Kids to Church But I Can’t Bring My Well-Behaved Komodo Dragon?

Posted on by Doug Kolic

These fucking hypocrites at this church make me sick. Each week a sermon is interrupted by another rowdy kid screaming, throwing things, or shitting their pants and making this whole joint stink like a Burger King bathroom. How come their parents are allowed to keep bringing these demon children while I’ve been told on numerous occasions that my well-behaved and toilet-trained Komodo dragon isn’t welcome?

They preach things like “kindness” and “understanding” here. But where was that goodwill when they called the cops on me after I refused to take Chompy home just because he took a little nibble of one of the parishioners waiting in line for the Eucharist? He’s named that for a reason. If you give him enough personal space there’s usually nothing to worry about. But, yeah, if you get up all in his business he’s going to react because that’s what apex predators do.

I’m not exactly sure what Jesus would say about pet dragons since I just come here for the free Wi-Fi and usually tune out the lame priests talking out of their asses, but from what I’ve read on various bumper stickers it sounds like he’s pretty chill about all his father’s creations, including 175-pound reptiles who aren’t dangerous unless hungry, provoked or sometimes just ‘cause you walked by too fast. It’s not like I let him roam around willy-nilly, I have a very controllable twelve-foot leash, maybe one of these people can borrow it and wrangle their kids for once.

I hate being made to feel like I’m the bad guy. Last year when they asked me to stop bringing in my Burmese python because serpents are apparently a “symbol of evil” from the underworld which was freaking all these Bible-lovers out, I not only did what they requested but I also did the mature thing and found him a better home in the creek behind the local daycare. He was such a good swimmer and loved kids.

Perhaps organized religion isn’t for me. Listening to a bunch of false prophets telling me how to live my life and who create arbitrary rules about who can and can’t worship in God’s House is a bunch of BS. Maybe it’s best to let bygones be bygones and spend my valuable time elsewhere. Right after I break in tonight with Chompy and let him go to town on these new pews that the congregation spent all year raising money for. He’s gonna have an absolute field day with this red oak.

NBC Adds “Chicago Hardcore” to City-Themed Lineup

Posted on by Ben Friedman

LOS ANGELES — NBC announced they would be expanding its One Chicago universe this fall by focusing on the punk scene with “Chicago Hardcore,” network executives have confirmed.

“I’ll admit that we’ve exhausted every storyline and plot twist for our procedurals. So we thought– what if instead of shows about first responders and medical emergencies, we told the stories about the people causing said emergencies? Enter ‘Chicago Hardcore,’ our newest entry about mosh etiquette, crew rivalries, and everything that comes along with the hardcore scene,” said executive producer Dick Wolf. “Each episode begins in the pit of a different DIY venue and will let viewers into the lives of the men and women putting each other in the ER, starting trash fires, and smashing police car windows. Plus we got Harm’s Way for the theme song to lend some authenticity to the show. However, it’ll only air on Fridays at 1 a.m.”

Actors in the new series were excited to break into uncharted territory for network television.

“I never met any punks during my time at Julliard, but I’ve been told I carry myself like a young Blag Dahlia. The producers want to soft launch my character on ‘Chicago PD’ next week to gauge interest, so they have me wearing an Against Me! shirt and punching Jason Beghe’s character in the face,” said Jordan Walsh. “I’m excited to be a prominent character in the show, but it’s been a challenge to nail the character down. I didn’t know the role would require so much guttural screaming and spitting on people from Forest Glen.”

Network executives admitted they were taking a risk greenlighting the show after a number of false starts in the recent past.

“Nobody is questioning Dick’s vision, but since the ratings bomb that was ‘Trial by Jury’ we’re a little cautious about stories from the common folk in our tentpole series. Just this year we already greenlit and canceled ‘Chicago Hot Dog Stand’ and ‘Law and Order: Stenographers’. Trust me, there is a very limited audience for both,” said executive Bill Demers. “I’m not sure if an hour-long show about punks accusing each other of being posers is going to click, but the focus groups reacted overwhelmingly positive to the idea of hurling bricks through private hospital windows set to Big Black. Honestly, the hardest part has been trying to court advertisers other than Malort and Old Style.”

As of press time, production was halted after the cast and crew were severely injured while filming during a live show at The Empty Bottle.

Photo by MG Ommert

Target Celebrates Record Store Day with 35 Different Versions of Taylor Swift’s “The Tortured Poets Department”

Posted on by Ben Friedman

MINNEAPOLIS, Minn. — Retail conglomerate Target announced today that they would be participating in Record Store Day by offering 35 separate versions of Taylor Swift’s new album “The Tortured Poets Department,” sources unloading crates and crates of records confirmed.

“We’ve partnered with Taylor for years to carry a myriad of exclusive variants of her albums and re-releases, but on this Record Store Day we wanted it to be special. We’re happy to let our guests know that we’ve thrown our existing vinyl inventory into a landfill to make room for 35 separate versions of ‘Tortured Poets Department,’” said VP of Logistics Mike Wallace. “Guests can get their hands on these records that will also come with exclusive Target content like Taylor reading random words from the dictionary, or a 20-minute butt dial from Travis Kelce passionately talking about zoo animals. Not only will fans be happy, but so will our shareholders. We’re going to be printing money today.”

While the corporate offices were looking forward to the extra revenue, store employees were trying to control the chaos on the ground.

“This has already been the worst day of my life and it’s not even lunchtime yet. It took all night to painstakingly set up displays just for everything to sell out 15 minutes after we opened the doors. Now we have Swifties tearing the store apart because they think there’s some secret 36th version hiding somewhere,” said Kevin Kerns. “I feel bad using the actual Record Store Day exclusives we got to barricade the doors, but we didn’t have a choice. I guess it’s somewhat comforting to know physical media is still popular, but not every one of her albums needs a one off track where she sneezes mid-song.”

Many independent record store owners unsuccessfully tried to procure even a handful of Swift’s albums.

“How the hell are we supposed to compete with the retail chains when they’re shilling variants of ‘TPD’ where she’s singing backward? I reached out to her label for just a few copies of the vanilla version and they said their minimum order was 25,000 units,” said store owner Cindy McClane. “As much as I want Record Store Day to focus on celebrating rare and revived albums, it would be nice to make a year’s rent in a day. Hopefully we’ll come close with all these copies of At the Drive-In’s ‘In/Casino/Out’.

Target later addressed the inventory issues, saying there were still plenty of copies of the Taylor Swift/Refused split 7” in stores.

Opinion: Back in My Day, You Had to Play an Hour of “Pro Skater” with a Stranger Before Taking Home a Dry Eighth

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

I try really hard not to be the “Back in my day…” type of gal, but every time 4/20 rolls around, I can’t help thinking about how easy the kids have it now. When they want to restock their weed supply, all they have to do is walk down the street, enter a fancy storefront, and their Genius Bar budtenders will make all their dreams come true. They tell them the exact THC milligram amount of each product, discuss different cannabis strains and their effects, and show them a multitude of methods of delivery into the body. Your every weed wish is their command.

Us? We used to have to go to some random guy’s house, usually some dude your friend’s girlfriend met once at a show, probably named something like Skeeter. You’d show up and he’d be playing video games – he really liked “Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater” – and he’d ask you to join. You’d be like, “Nah, man. I don’t really play.” But it would become clear that if you wanted bud, you’d have to listen to “Superman” by Goldfinger on repeat and play him in a few games of SKATE. For some, it was easy. For me, it took hours. Skating just didn’t come natural to me.

Sure, sometimes he’d try to tell you about the qualities of the weed he had. But none of it made sense, and there was a lot of “This shit right here, this shit is _____ (version of “dank” of your choice). But it didn’t matter. Every time, you’d point to one bag at random, give him $50 for an eighth of an ounce, and hope for the best. The kids just don’t know the feeling of not knowing if the joint you’re rolling (yes, you had to roll it yourself) is going to give you that light high you need to make it through family dinner or send you to Mars on the back of a unicorn made out of fire.

Do I miss the old days? Yeah, I think about him every time I see someone skateboard down my block or watch someone jump into a volcano in my dreams. I wonder where he is now, and if he ever got the secret tape in the Warehouse. I’m told despite the hours he put in, he must not have been very good. Bless him.

Steve From “Blue’s Clues” Touches Hearts of Millennials by Beating Dan Schneider to Death With His Bare Hands

Posted on by Stephen Bell

LOS ANGELES – Millennials recently found themselves bawling with tears of joy after Steve Burns of “Blue’s Clues” fame once again touched their hearts by viciously beating Dan Schneider to death with his bare hands, according to multiple viewers of the live-streamed event.

“If there’s one thing I always wanted to teach the kids who watched ‘Blues Clues’ it’s that you have to be ready to do the right thing,” said Steve from behind the glass in the local jail. “That’s why after watching the ‘Quiet on Set’ documentary I knew I had to take action. I followed all of the clues before sitting down in my thinking chair and thinking about what to do. I soon realized that abused children, Dan Schneider, and my fists all added up to justified vigilante justice. My dog might be blue but I vowed my hands would be magenta after I was done with him.”

The vicious beating which was shared by Burns over TikTok Live was met with rave reviews by millennials who watched.

“This was the greatest smackdown I have ever seen in the history of ever,” said 34-year-old Justin Greenlee. “It all started off with Steve looking at the camera and saying he was proud of me while he approached a lavish looking LA house. The next thing we see is Dan Schneider’s greasy face as he answers the door. At this moment Steve starts singing ‘here’s my fist it never fails, when I swing it really sails, when it strikes I want to wail, dieeeeee!!!’ and then he just starts bashing in Dan’s skull. Now I can be happy about Dan Schneider and Jennette McCurdy’s mom both being dead.”

Other former Nickelodeon stars chimed in wishing that they had been the one to put the hurt on Dan Schneider.

“I knew Steve was a good guy but now I think he’s a great guy,” said former “All That” and “Pete and Pete” star Danny Tamberelli. “I briefly appeared on “The Amanda Show” which Dan directed but my only role was a claymation me coming out of a toilet so I didn’t know him that well. However, after hearing about all the abusive and weird stuff I wish I had gotten to know him. And by gotten to know him I mean make sure that my fists knew the inside of his skull as I turned his brains into pudding. I would never have used my feet to stomp him though because weirdly enough he probably would’ve been into that.”

At press time, it was reported that a spotted blue puppy was seen in LA carrying around the decapitated head of convicted pedophile and former Nickelodeon employee Brian Peck.

We Sat Down With the Insane Clown Posse Because They’re on the Admissions Board for Clown College

Posted on by James Knapp

Insane Clown Posse: the jester-kings of the proudly unwashed. While we have long been fans of the acclaimed horrorcore duo, we have never been able to take the time to really speak with Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope outside of the occasional passing pleasantry on the days when we both have to be in court for some bullshit.

Imagine our delight when, upon finally pulling the trigger on our lifelong dream of attending clown college, we came to find out that two of the insaniest clowns we’d love to know would be prominently present on our admissions board. “What a treat!” we thought. Not only would we get a chance to finally bail out of this internet punk news racket and get into where the real money is, performing at children’s birthday parties, but we’d also be able to get to know our soon-to-be-mentors in the scope of professional clowning.

But holy butt-sucking-crap! Those guys are real intense sticklers about the finer points of being an educated clown.

We figured they might give us some leeway considering we come from an adjacent scene to theirs. But as soon as Violent J chucked a handful of uninflated balloon animals at us and screamed that we had “three minutes to build a working ferris wheel or [he was] gonna inflate all of them inside of [our] ass” we knew we were in over our heads.

Seriously, we only had hopes of improving ourselves moderately and discovering a new trade that we feel compliments our inherent need for attention as well as our deeply ingrained penchant for the dramatic arts. If we had known that clown college would be such a cutthroat slog then we would have just stayed in business school. We’d still be miserable but at least that way our fathers would be proud of us.

Things came to a head when we were asked what we hoped to achieve with our clowning degree. Apparently “bring joy and wonderment to the children of the world” is the least acceptable answer they’ve ever heard because that’s when Shaggy 2 Dope pulled out a length of rusty bike chain and threatened to “beat the Redpop Faygo” out of us unless we got the hell out of their lecture hall.

So it would appear that clown college just isn’t in the cards for us. Such a shame, but maybe we could ask the guys from Slipknot if they have any leads on a seasonal haunted house that could use any extras.