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You Just Made Eye Contact With Someone Holding a Clipboard Outside a Whole Foods: Here Are 5 Exit Strategies To Avoid Donating to Charity

So you’ve just slipped away from your soul-sucking job for a quick break, but now what? Go for a smoke? Stand on the street corner staring vacantly into the middle distance as you question every decision that has lead your here? Or head over to your local Whole Foods for an overpriced muffin and a kombucha?

You decide on Whole Foods even though you don’t love kombucha but at least the sour aftertaste will allow you to feel… something.

As you approach the entrance however you make a fatal flaw and accidentally make eye contact with someone in a vest with some sort of non-profit-y looking logo on it while holding a clipboard. You’re trapped now and are sure to get the hard sell on whatever charity they are promoting. Here are 5 exit strategies to get you out of it.

1. Avoidance

It may sound too simplistic but just straight-up pretend you don’t even see them. They will probably try to lure you in with one of their sales tactics by saying something like “Hey cool sweatshirt, wish I had one like that!” And yes, it may be true that your hoodie is dope and you look great in it but do not in any way acknowledge their comment. It will only lead you down a path of minutes stolen from your day and dollars lost from your wallet.

2. Rationalization
Convince yourself that any money you give them isn’t actually going to help anyone. It’s probably all a scam anyway. It just has to be otherwise you totally would donate to it. What was it that their vest said again? “International Children’s Defense Fund of The Oceans”? That doesn’t even make sense. Definitely a scam. You’re better off buying that independent, locally-owned kombucha and recycling the bottle. That will do more good than giving to whatever money laundering scheme this bullshit is.

3. Jedi mind trick
Just convince them that you’ve already given them money. “Didn’t I just donate to your cause last week?” That may just provide you with the nanosecond of distraction that will allow you to slip in through the sliding glass doors behind them. And who knows, you may have actually donated to them for real. Can you be 100% certain you didn’t actually stop and give them your credit card information just a few days ago? With so much content and fake news and AI who can be certain about anything anymore?

4. Just leave

Turn around on your heels and just go somewhere else… anywhere else. You can get kombucha almost anywhere these days. You can try that 7/11 around the corner, they probably even have kombucha. Oh wait no, don’t go to that one. There’s always that guy out front asking for money so he can take a bus to see his sick sister.

5. Confess your apathy
Tell them you just don’t care. Oh well, sucks for the whales or the bees or the air we all breathe or literally every drop of water on the planet but you just can’t bring yourself to care enough about any of it. There’s no ethical consumption under capitalism so obviously that absolves you from any wrongdoing and you have no choice but to contribute as much damage to the world as possible.