SAN FRANCISCO — Local mailroom clerk and recently acquired boyfriend Jake Ramirez is reportedly feeling like the new guy at the office while he is led around his girlfriend’s apartment and successively introduced to each of her sex toys, anxious sources disclosed.
“It’s really exciting to be brought on board — it’s just a lot of information at once. I wasn’t exactly sure what expression I should have on my face, either. I was going for neutral-but-interested but I’m worried I came off dumb. I’m a pretty fast learner, though, and Aisha kept saying it will all ‘make sense in practice,’” said Ramirez. “We haven’t actually been seeing each other that long, so I’m flattered she wants me on the team. Although I have to admit I kind of exaggerated when she asked how familiar I am with Hitachi. Just feels like I lied on my resume or something.”
Ramirez’ girlfriend and owner of the adult toy collection Aisha James reported new partners often feel a bit overwhelmed on their first day.
“It’s completely understandable to be confused at first. I had my own learning curve with a lot of this stuff, and I’m available to answer any questions that arise as we get started,” said James. “Some trainees — when they get here and see what a full operation I’m running — aren’t sure what exactly they can do to help meet our daily goals. Let me reassure you: you’re here because of what you bring to the table. Even if it’s just verbal encouragement, or making small tweaks here and there, your role is essential.”
Relationship expert and author of “Love in the Era of Automation” Adrienne Wells noted that romance and efficiency are becoming synonymous for couples across the globe.
“In the age of the home office, the bedroom and the boardroom are often one and the same, and today’s lovers need modern solutions for modern problems,” said Wells. “It used to be the case that a worker could lose a whole afternoon searching for something a simple machine can identify and stimulate within seconds. The clit. I’m talking about finding the clit. That said, AI might actually be coming for your jobs as boyfriends.”
As of press time, Ramirez expressed some nervousness about meeting a device his girlfriend calls “the Manager,” or simply, “Peg.”