Listen up, fellas. We all want to live that Rock N’ Roll fantasy of pickin’ up a hot piece of ass, falling madly in love with her, getting tired of her bullshit, and then begging for her to come back. So I’m here to break it down for you, step by step, using tips from the album “15” by our lords and saviors Buckcherry.
Phase one: Get her. You see a hot little thing across the bar. She’s showing a lot of skin but somehow also wearing a Whitesnake t-shirt and high-waisted leather pants. How do you win her over for a night of sweet lovin in some discount red satin sheets? We turn to “Next 2 You” for guidance. First, insult her taste in music in an offhanded way. Then, reference the fact that everyone talks about how she never puts out. Finally, seal the deal by repeatedly saying how you want to be near her. Once you’re worried you sound like a stalker, do it a little more. It’s a foolproof method of seduction.
Phase two: Lose her. Sure, after shackin’ up for awhile drinkin’ Bud Light every night while going to pound town to an ‘80s Hair Metal compilation, you realized you might actually love this broad. But hold your horses, pal. We’re not at the “stay together forever” part yet. First, you gotta lose her. For this, we follow tips from “Crazy Bitch.” Now, if she’s the kind of woman who doesn’t like being called a crazy bitch, you know what to do. If she’s into it, though, then call another woman a crazy bitch. Make fake nail marks on your back if you have to. Do what you need to do to get through this phase.
Phase three: Get her back. You’re sick without her. You haven’t been sleeping past noon. You can barely eat anything other than Sloppy Joes. You need that sweet bleach blonde, overly tanned woman back in your life. It’s time for the apology ballad, “Sorry.” You need to write your little lady an apology, but you have to make sure it’s from the heart. You’ll have to use really unique and heartfelt emotions like, “I’m sorry you’re blue.” She’ll be crying into your leather bomber in no time.
Bonus phase: Lose her again. Sometimes it works out. Sometimes she cheats on you with your best friend and says she got knocked up even though you coulda sworn she said she went through that mental pause thing. Here, use “Everything” where you talk about how it just isn’t working, but you focus a little too much on the fact that you’ve apparently been junkies this entire time.
You’ll thank me later.